Masochism
By Aly
Disclaimer: Never have; never will.
Note: This is an EDWARD-&-BELLA fic; and I will not repeat what we hated about New Moon.
Chapter 1 – Therapy
The day had been long; Edward had torn rapidly away from my kiss. I was rejected; it felt awful. Like a raging boiling sea a monster in me was hurt and angry. I wasn't mad at Edward; how could I ever be? I think I was inclined to be mad at myself. Now I could empathize when Edward raged at himself; believing that he would never be enough for me. In taking my blood; he had enfolded me into the masochism that came with our roles. The sadistic loathing that he had to overcome; that I had to overcome. But even now; I wasn't discouraged; I wouldn't dwell on this conflict. I could not hate myself for long enough to cloud my empathy. I felt strongly what I believed Edward felt; so I could only love him more for trying not to worry me with his burden.
But, naturally, I wanted to help shoulder it too.
There was no distraction to end my brooding silence; within the enigma of this house; was Edward, and though I wished he was here with me I found myself deciding that maybe I should just let him cool off for a while before I sought him out. I knew Emmett and Rosalie were downstairs; but they weren't exactly who I wanted to speak to right now. Carlisle was out and Esme was in the kitchen, doing paperwork. I considered talking to her but Alice chose that moment to walk into Edward's room.
"I'm sorry," She said; her voice fluid and rushed; though my newly sensitive ears caught every word.
"You have nothing to apologize for; unless, of course, you totaled my car." I attempted a jest; trying to lighten the incapacitating mood.
She shifted her eyes; letting me know that my jest amused her before explaining her first reaction. "I meant for what Edward did; last night."
"You saw that?" I asked; a little shocked that she had seen that. I don't know if I was more disturbed that she had seen the kiss and what else she might see if things got more intimate, or the fact she saw his rejection of me.
"Part of it -remember the future changes as each decision is made. Sometimes I can shut-out the decisions that are trite. Pushing you away was a decision that could change so many things in the future of my brother and sister." She sat down on the couch and I joined her there. Looking very deep into my eyes; as if she were, like Edward, trying to read my mind, she continued. "I only saw him push you away."
I grinned sardonically; baring my teeth as my unspoken explanation for the break in our kiss. For half a second she looked shocked at my appearance; but she quickly recovered. "That could give him a shock," she admitted.
It gave me a reasonable understanding; maybe it wasn't so much rejection as shock. "Alice; do I look that different?"
She raised her eyebrows; then proceeded to grab my hand and lead me to her room. I stumbled once on the way, proving that even this state could not completely cure my klutz gene; just suppress it.
She faced me to a full length mirror. The difference made me stare; my long brown hair was glossy and sleek; my skin as pale as a rainless cloud. But it was my eyes that shocked me. Dark rimless irises and bruising shadows told me what I had always read as hunger. It was then I could sense was the dull ache; not a burning sensation as the other's had described but a need; a sweeping ache that made my mouth feel a little dry. I tried not to focus too much on it. Instead I turned away from the mirror as if it had burned me. Maybe; in a way, it had.
First was the scrutinizing fascination about my ruined clothes; I assumed somebody had removed my prom dress and dressed me in a comfortable pair of sweat pants and a gray cotton t-shirt.
I was different; I could understand on some level that he wouldn't want me like this; a vampire. But I could only wonder if he didn't love me; I was sure he did, but maybe he didn't want to recognize it. Seeing myself as what he had seen me; a creature that he kissed, I too was set reeling.
"What if-" I started; a terrible opening that would only cause more grief that had been evoked. "What we have, what if it gets lost somewhere?" All the subdued emotions that I had tried to push away flooded out with my fears. "What then, Alice?! How can I live knowing I wanted this and what I wanted it for, isn't there anymore." My voice quieted as my latest muse broke though my rage; more like mourning words, "How will I live when his eyes only see me as dying?"
Knowing that I had broken through my own fears I continued to say the fear I believed was his. "How can he himself survive? He was once a man, who never would slay an innocent, yet my blood stains his hands, and he can't look at me without tasting it."
"That's not all I see," His velvet voice reached my ears; in my deep state; I hadn't even seen him join me and Alice in her room.
"Then what do you see?!" I demanded.
"That's what I see. But I see somebody who is selfless and brave and full of love." He whispered.
"But you still can taste my blood; see it even though it's not there." I asked forcefully. I was scared; but I really didn't want to show it.
"I can." He whispered.
That was all I had needed; wanted to know. I wondered how long it would take for us to both be on the same line. Right now; it seemed like eternity. The only hope I could draw from this was the small simple fact that I had that time; I just wished I didn't have to use any of it like this.
Mwahahaha. I'm getting under your skin with these words; I annoy you because it's not going how you want it. But is your idea realistic? Think on it.
