A/N: Stephenie Meyer owns everything, except this plot. Story title is borrowed from my darling, Frank Turner.
M rating in please for a reason, kids. Enjoy!
[Chapter 2: Subscription Cancellation Confirmed]
'Renew your subscription', the screen prompt blinks at me. My finger hovers over the Cancel button.
"What are you doing?" Edward nuzzles my neck, which in the normal world would be terribly romantic, but since I'm me, I scream. And I don't mean I was just a little startled. Arms are flailing and I think my head made nice with his nose. "Jesus, Bella!"
"Oh my God!" I stand up and am about to kneel down to his level, when I remember that my laptop screen is open. Edward squints at me with one eye and actually raises an eyebrow when he sees me quickly close it. "What?" I asked.
He slowly gets up and backs away from me. With his fingers still pinching his nose, he darts around me and grabs the laptop.
"No!" I yell. For someone who just got nailed in the face, he's a dodgy little bugger. I, of course, chase the idiot around his living room. "Edward Masen, you give me back that fucking computer or I swear to God, I will punch you in the junk!"
That stops his socked feet instantly. He actually groans a little and brings the laptop in front of his hips, as if it would protect him.
"Drop it," I state in my most stern voice. God, this is so embarrassing. I never told anyone that I had been on that damn site for over a year with no success. My renewal came up and since I started dating this clown over a month ago; I think I'm stuck with him for a while, so Single 'n' Mingle – your services are not needed.
Three months ago, Edward texted me and told me that he was newly single and looking for an apartment. Apparently, Tanya, had enough of Edward having fun – well that's what he said. After literally poking him for twenty minutes at lunch one day, he finally told me the real story - Tanya decided that she wanted to save the Alaskan wilderness from human destruction and moved into an igloo on a glacier.
"Wait, what?" I asked him. "Did I hear you right? Your girlfriend –"
"Ex-girlfriend," he corrected me.
"Ex-girlfriend," I repeated, "decided that she wants to be the next Erin Brockovich and moved to the frozen tundra of twenty-four hour sunlight or darkness."
"Yes," he simply replied.
"Um, you do know it's like five guys to one girl up there, right?" I laughed.
"Yeah," he shrugged and took a bite of his sandwich. "But what can you do? She wanted out and I let her go."
"Huh," I mumbled.
"What?" He asked
"Well, now that you're officially done, I just have to say, you had the WEIRDEST relationship, I'd ever seen in my entire life," I blurted out. "Seriously."
Edward burst out laughing.
He asked me out a month later and for the last four weeks or so, hasn't shown the same behavior he had with the ex. Ha! The Ex. According to her Facebook timeline, she's still in Alaska and can be found shopping at the local BabiesЯUs or whatever friendly, local baby stores are established in the 49th state. Yup, she's preggars and ecstatic about it. Must be that five to one ratio because seriously, how the hell does that happen and so quickly? Not the baby making part, thank you very much.
"What are you hiding, Love?" He asks which brings me out of my thoughts. Edward waves the closed computer in the air.
"Nothing, now hand it over," I plead. I even purse my lips into a pout and widen my eyes, like Puss in Boots. I sit on the couch with my hand stretched out. I want to crawl into a hole right now as I feel my face heat up.
"You're blushing," he comments.
"Thank you, Captain Obvious," I reply rudely. I lightly pat my flaming cheeks and briefly close my eyes.
I get up and decide that I'm not going to get my computer back and what the hell, he'll find out anyway. So, I walk out of the living room to his bedroom and shut the door. I bury my face in the pillows, but it starts suffocating me, so I turn my head and just lay there. A few moments later, I hear the door open and the bed dip with Edward who lightly smacks my ass.
"Seriously, what's going on?"
"Nothing, I don't want to talk about it," I mutter into the pillow.
He begins to run his fingers down my back in a very soothing motion.
"Ba-by," he says in a sing-song manner. His mouth is right on my ear and kisses my temple ever so lightly. "Please?"
I keep my eyes close and relish in his warm touch. I slightly shake my head in protest. Edward cannot be deterred. His lips blaze a trail from my ear down my neck. When he reaches the juncture between my shoulder and neck, he gently rolls me onto my back.
His green eyes gaze into mine and I am instantly lost in them. I've never seen such a color with so many shades blending to create the most beautiful peepers ever. I may be a little biased. Tracing his face with my eyes, I internally sigh at the gorgeous man hovering over me. His face is perfect – angular jaw, lopsided sexy grin, and an impeccably straight and narrow nose. His crazy hair hangs over his forehead as he leans close to my face.
The moment his lips close in on mine, I'm done. "Dammit," I mumble against his mouth.
Edward slightly pulls back and raises his eyebrows in question.
"You can't just kiss me like that and make me forget my mortification," I ramble.
"Love, what are you embarrassed about? Did you accidently post yourself singing in the shower on YouTube? Because that would make anyone run for the hills," he chuckles.
My steely reserve breaks and I crack a smile. I slap his shoulder lightly. "That really hurts, you know. The shower's the only place where I can perfect my harmonies. The acoustics are perfect."
"Bella, just because the walls echo doesn't mean you're on key," he laughs.
I narrow my eyes in mock anger. "Oh yeah, because your voice is SO great, Mister 'I got booed off the karaoke stage'. It's unheard of! No one gets kicked off while doing karaoke. That's the point!"
"That was on purpose and you know it!" He argues. "I didn't want you to feel bad."
"Me, feel bad? Baloney!" I reply. "I didn't know my voice offended you so much."
"You're getting mad, I'm sorry," he lightly chuckles.
"I'm not mad," I huff.
Edward finally relaxes over me and rests his head on my shoulder. He kisses my neck. "Spill."
I groan and rub my hand over my eyes. "You can't tell anyone. I'm swearing you to secrecy. If I find out you blabbed," I threaten him, "you're SOL on blow jobs."
Edward sits up rapidly. His eyes widen in surprise and fear – or maybe it's a mix of both. "Excuse me?" He coughs. "You'll withhold that? Why not sex?"
"Why would I punish myself as well? I like having sex. It takes care of my cardio for the week," I joke. "Sucking on your dick brings you to a state of bliss, but where's my benefit?"
"What about when you swal-"
"Do not finish that sentence, Edward Anthony," I say as I cover his mouth. I can feel him smile beneath my palm.
"I apologize. I just merely was stating the nutrition facts –"
"Stop!" I screech. "Seriously! I don't know want to know about the pros of swallowing your cum!"
"Ha!" He barks out a laugh. "I got you to say it."
I shake my head.
"God, I love making you say embarrassing things. Your face just contorts in mortification as if someone's going to catch you saying something 'vulgar'."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," I say as I roll my eyes. "You want to know or not? I can just go start dinner while you ponder my deep, dark secret."
Edward sits up straight and cross-legged. I pretend to get out of the bed and he lightly grabs my arm to stop me.
"Where's the computer?"
He points to the dresser. I quickly pick up the little pink Macbook and set it between us. Taking a deep breath, I flip open the lid. There, for the world to see is the cancellation screen.
"Whoa," he comments.
I was about to click the confirmation button, when his hand stops me.
"Can I see your profile first?"
"Oh God, no."
"Please, Love?"
I shove the laptop in his lap. "Have at it."
I get up and leave the bedroom. I can't sit there while he studies my dating profile. It's hard enough just trying to come up with something interesting to say about myself and choose pictures that show more than a face in a perfectly angled shot. I start to pull pots and pans out of the cabinets – loudly, I might add. I slam the utensil drawer, run the garbage disposal and turn on the stove fan. The distraction is perfect. I gather the ingredients for tacos and begin to cook the meat.
Because I was singing a song in my head, I didn't hear Edward approach me. He wraps his arms around my waist. Instinctively, I lean back and relax in his strong grip. He reaches to turn the burner of the stove off.
"Excuse me!" I exclaim. "I was cooking, you know."
"We can eat later," he says lowly. His hair tickles my ear as he kisses my shoulder. I turn in his arms and briefly make eye contact before looking away.
I take a deep breath and lean my forehead against his chest. Edward lifts my chin with his finger and slowly leans in to kiss me. The moment our lips meet – softness and warmth, I am lost in the sensation. I open my mouth and his tongue immediately seeks out mine. As our kissing intensifies, I throw my arms around his neck and hold on tight. His hands wander around my back and our breaths noisily escaped our noses.
Edward's kisses me hard before trailing his warm, wet mouth down my neck to the center of my chest. He roughly pulls down the straps to my tank top exposing my breasts. My nipples immediately harden from the air and his hands immediately zone in on them. I moan softly as his thumbs sweep over each peak. Just as I'm getting used to his hands massaging and squeezing, his mouth replaces his thumbs and I swear, I squeaked. I move my hand in his hair, relishing in the silkiness of it.
"Please," I beg him. He stops and looks at me. His smirk fully in place. "Don't stop!" I practically scream.
"Give me your leg," he prompts. I lift it and he wraps it around his hip. "The other one too."
He holds me as my legs twist around his torso. His cock is rock hard against me and I moan from the friction. Without breaking our kissing, Edward leads us to the couch where he lays me down and begins to assault my neck with his lips, tongue and even his teeth. With my legs still wrapped around his hips, I pull them tighter. I try pulling his t-shirt over his head, but our bodies and arms are too tangled around each other.
I loosen my grip on his hips and we pull our own shirts off. Edward lifts himself off of me and drops his pajama pants. I stare at his lean body and feel myself breathing deeply in anticipation. His face is serious as he pulls off my lounge pants. I lay there, naked and extremely wet. Just looking at that man sends me into a frenzy.
"Stop staring, Masen," I practically growl. I reached for him and he slaps my hand away.
Edward smirks and leans forward. Without breaking eye contact, he slides his finger between my legs and in a circular motion swirls it around. I am completely wet with desire and scratch my nails down his chest. Without pausing, his lips capture a nipple and he begins nipping and sucking as if his life depends on it.
"Holy fucking shit!" I scream out. I look down to see his sly grin.
He moves his mouth to the valley between my breasts and looks up.
"Goddammit, Bella, you are so fucking wet," he says lowly. Suddenly his hand flies down to his straining cock and he rubs the head against me while his other hand never stops its motion against my clit.
I just lay there panting. My hands stray from hair to his shoulders. "Fuck, babe."
"Oh I am," he replies
In one fluid motion, Edward sits up and slams himself into me. I nearly scream from the rawness. I wrap my legs back around him and meet his every thrust. He pulls my hips up higher and the angle shifts where his dick hits me deeper and harder. I watch the muscles in his torso tense with each motion. I can see my breasts bounce from every movement. Everything around me fades except for the sound of our slick skin slapping and moans of pleasure.
"Harder!" I scream. Edward responds by grunting and holding my hips in a death grip. "Oh my God! Edward!"
"Bella! Shit!" He growls.
In a matter of seconds, I climax so hard that I swear I black out. Edward follows and collapses on me. Both of our bodies are rising and falling with our heavy breaths.
"What brought that on?" I gasp out.
Edward chuckles between catching his breath. He kisses my chest above my heart and looks up at me. I wipes his brow and wait for his answer.
"You're mine," he states. "I can't stand the thought of you being on display like that. Online. You. Are. Mine." He punctuates each word. "And I took the liberty of deleting and cancelling your subscription."
"Oh really," I arch an eyebrow at him. "You cancelled my subscription. Excuse me, what if I wasn't done browsing?"
"Yeah? You want to keep sifting through those assholes?" He's trying to bait me. I can feel it.
"Maybe," I reply haughtily.
"Am I going to have to remind you that you are mine and mine alone?" He narrows his eyes at me but keeps his smirk firmly in place.
I just raise my eyebrows, as if to say, 'be my guest.'
Edward slams his lips against mine and proceeds to remind me. Twice.
Needless to say, I got exactly what I want and didn't need a computer to find my perfect match.
[The End]
