"The ideal of the tea ceremony is to treat your guests as if it were
the only chance to!"

* * * * * * * * * *

Tuxedo Jack
~and~
Craptacularly Spignificant Productions
~present~

Shinseiki Hinagelion
Episode II: White Sheets

* * * * * * * * * *

Once again, I don't own Love Hina or Eva. Should Akamatsu,
Anno, or any of their companies ask me, odds are I'll probably
remove this story from the web.

That won't prevent me from distributing it via e-mail.

And Kebinu, I expect to see a chapter of either "Road Trip"
or your messed-up pairings fic very soon. (Blofeld) Don't
disappoint me.

Finally, you'll note a distinct non-Naru feeling in this.
That's because she's not here. Do you know why? It's because
she beat the crap out of me for even considering writing her
into this.

* * * * * * * * * *

Kana Himezaki, master of pleasantly dark, WAFFy, and delicious
shoujo-ai fics sat at his computer, browsing through his e-mail.

A short click later, he saw a message that piqued his interest.

FROM: Tuxedo Jack "Tuxedojack@juno.com"
SUBJECT: "Request Denied"
ATTACHMENTS: "fgauthor.exe" - 187225 bytes

He shrugged, then clicked on the attachment after virus-scanning it
and finding it free of anything caustic. A small window popped up
on his screen, and...

A fat, sweaty, smelly _male_ fairy in a pink tutu popped up onscreen.
"You Kana Himezaki?"

The dark author blinked in surprise. "Um... yes, why?"

"I'm your fairy godauthor," the fairy said in a Brooklyn accent. "I'm
here to tell you that you ain't getting written into 'Shinseiki Hinagelion.'"
He snorted, then lit up a cigar. "That, and I gotta tell Kanako that the
two she sent last time scared the crap outta Tuxy."

Kana merely sat there in shock. "_You're_ my fairy godauthor?"

"It ain't my usual job." The fairy grunted. "Damn unions."

* * * * *

Meanwhile...

"It's so damn tight in here!"

"Jusr resist it, Keitaro!"

Keitaro twitched and scratched at his plugsuit. "But it's practically
formfitting, and it itches like hell!"

Su frowned at him. "Just wait until we get you inside Motoko. Believe you
me, she's not going to like it any more than you do."

Haruka spoke quietly. "Get inside now. The Angel's nearing ONSEN, and if
it penetrates, we're going to have quite a bit of trouble."

Su tapped a button on the wall that drained the bakelite and liquid from
around Motoko, and after she did so, the floor holding Motoko started rising,
right up to just below the surface of Hinata.

"Captain Konno, get to the control room and manipulate what is needed."
Haruka turned and walked away. "Doctor Su, prepare the SOU to analyze the
Angel."

Kitsune nodded and dashed towards an elevator. Su grabbed Keitaro's hand and
pulled him to a stairwell, then pulled open a hatch into the wall. "Get in!"

"Um... is this something I should know about?" Keitaro whimpered just before
Su kicked him through the panel and slamed it behind him.

"Nope!" Su grinned, then used a control pad behind her to manipulate that wall -
which was really the plug - above Motoko, and...

"Is everything ready, Su?" Kitsune said over an intercom. "We're ready in the Control
Room!"

"We're ready here, Captain," Su said. "Just tell me when."

Kitsune smiled. "Okay, then...

"AOYAMA ZERO-ONE, HASHIN!"

Su slapped a button on the control panel, and the roof opened. A second later,
she pushed a second button, and the plug shot down into Motoko's gi.

The unit's eyes flew open in surprise, and Su pressed a third button, which catapulted
Aoyama-01 out of the ONSEN complex and into the streets of Hinata.

* * * * *

"Was it really necessary to use _that_ as the interface port, Commander?"
Subcommander Otohime said with a sweatdrop on her head.

"Not really," Haruka said, lighting another cigarette. "However, it's far
easier than inserting the plug through the neck or back, and despite the
fact that it's on the front, it's still quite a bit safer."

"Ara ara, I'd hate to see a unit shaped like myself then."

* * * * *

Keitaro shook his arm, and the Aoyama-01 unit did the same... just before
it landed on its rear. "That hurt!"

"Of course it did, idiot! You and the unit are linked through the plugsuit
and the waters from the SOU systems!" Kitsune snarled at him over an intercom.
"Do you see the Angel?"

Keitaro looked around. "Um... I see a giant Liddo-kun dancing around and smashing
things flat."

"That's the thing! You've got to kill it to protect the world!"

"Kill it? Kill an _angel_?" Keitaro blinked. "Weren't they nice or something?"

"Long story! Just do it!" Kitsune said. "Or else the Commander will send Kanako
out in another Aoyama unit!"

Liddo-kun apparently was attracted to Aoyama-01's appearance, and it danced
merrily up to her. "Hey hey hey, I'm Liddel! I'm God's chosen messenger to
the heathen on this God-given world who reject His wonderful gift! Wanna be
friends?"

Aoyama-01 responded with the only thing Keitaro could think of: swiftly punching
Liddel in the face. The Angel stumbled back, rubbed its face, and then smiled at
Keitaro.

"It looks like you don't want to be friends and bring God's righteous wrath down
on the infidels! I guess Liddel will have to smite you in the name of God, then!"

The giant stuffed squirrel charged.

* * * * *

Liddel started beating the crap out of Aoyama-01. It slapped her around and punished
the greatest weapon of ONSEN, the last hope of humanity, like a red-headed stepchild.

Keitaro was panicking. "What do I do, what do I do, WHAT DO I DO?!?"

"Use your arms!" Kitsune said over the intercom. "She's got a sword on her side.
Pull it out! It'll go straight through the Angel and kill it!"

Keitaro managed to reach the katana on Motoko's side, despite Liddel's continuous
assaults, and drew it. "Cool! I like this thing." He swung it a few times, but
when it hit Liddel's arm, it merely bounced off a hexagonal force field.

"WHAT? How come I can't hurt it?"

"Damn," Kitsune muttered back in the Control Room. "Su, I hope you've got an idea
here!"

Su tapped her finger against her chin. "Motoko... she should be able to cancel
that out. I just hope that Keitaro figures out how..."

"You _don't know_ how to get it to work?" Kitsuen bellowed at Su, who shrugged
in response. "Oh, boy, poor kid."

Meanwhile, Liddel had somehow grown claws and was swiping at Motoko. She took
some damage, and because Keitaro was mentally linked with her, he started to
feel the pain.

"WHAT DO I DO, KITSUNE?"

"I don't know!" she screamed over the intercom. Kitsune turned her head towards
the figures of the subcommander and Haruka, but only a glimmer of a smile from
the commander was forthcoming. Kitsune started to panic, and swore that if they
got out of it, she'd thank Keitaro as often and as well as she could.

* * * * *

Liddel took another swipe.

Keitaro parried with Motoko's sword.

The Angel swung again, and Keitaro blocked, but he was far slower this time,
and he wasn't fast enough to block the claws from slicing open Aoyama-01's
gi...

And its breast bindings. They tumbled forth, free of their restraints, and
Keitaro nosebleeded himself into unconsciousness.

"He's out cold!" Shirai said in disbelief. "Doesn't he ever look at porn
or anything?"

"No response from the neural readers!" Haitani screamed. "The H wave is off
the scale!"

"Aaau, Sempai, do something!" Shinobu whimpered, trying to cut the sixth fuse
and eject the plug. "We can't let the Third Child die!"

Kitsune just stared in astonishment.

"You have _got_ to be kidding me," Kitsune muttered. "They built her to be
anatomically correct?"

Su shrugged. "Figures. The commander won't spring for a RealDoll, but she'll buy
this."

Just then, Liddel's fate was sealed, for Aoyama-01's eyes burned red, and she
drew her sword and held it in the classic stance in front of her.

"HENTAI!" Motoko bellowed.

* * * * *

"Hey, she's a giant 40-foot-tall humanoid mecha cyborg robot thing," the author
muttered under his breath. "What, you think she's going to sound like a hamster
on helium? I could have made her sound like Torgo."

* * * * *

Liddel blinked. "Um... this wasn't in the mission plans that the Almighty gave
me."

"Secret technique - Yuutoku no kirikuzu no otome!" Motoko charged Liddel, slashed
the squirrel-cum-Angel furiously, and was thrown far away after inflicting
a massive amount of damage onto it.

Liddel grinned ferally, showing its bloody face, and ran straight at Aoyama-01,
self-detonating upon impact. Instead of a giant cross, the explosion took the shape
of the characters for "yakusoku."

"Confirm that the Angel has been destroyed, then send out a team to retrieve
Aoyama-01," Haruka said quietly to Mutsumi, then left the command room.

Mutsumi nodded, and relayed the order to Kitsune.

"Did Keitaro..." Kitsune said to Su quietly.

"No, he didn't. That... thing... Aoyama-01... she did it with his aid,"
Su replied. "Virtuous Fury Mode." She shook her head. "My god, I never
thought that she was capable of that."

"She?"

"Did I say 'she?'" At Kitsune's nod, Su shook her head. "Damn, I'm not
getting enough sleep."

* * * * *

Haruka sat at her desk, watching her employees scramble around ONSEN.
Kanako entered the room quietly behind her, and Haruka turned to face
her.

"Are you sufficiently healed to resume your duties as a pilot?"

"Yes, Commander," Kanako answered coldly. "I am ready to follow your
orders to the death."

"Good. Go rest, then spend some time with the Third. He will be to your
liking." At that, Kanako left, and Haruka assumed the Gendo Position.

"Soon... soon, Yakusoku will be completed, and the Third Impact will begin.
And... you and I will be reunited once again." She caressed the sole photograph
on her desk - that of a man, his face shrouded in shadow. "We'll be together,
my darling."

* * * * *

Keitaro stood behind Kitsune as she unlocked the door to her apartment.
"Um, Kitsune, should I really be rooming with you?"

The woman shook her head. "Don't worry about it! You'll love it here.
It's ncie and roomy and besides..." She half-closed her eyes and gave him
a sultry look. "There's always _me_."

Keitaro responded with a slight trickle of blood from his nose.

Kitsune laughed. "Don't worry, Keitaro! I promise I won't take advantage
of you!" She winked at him. "Unless you want me to."

She kicked open the door and walked inside, straight to the liquor cabinet,
and pulled out a bottle of Yebisu sake. Kitsune took one long draught from it
and grinned. "Yeah! That's the stuff."

"WARK!"

Keitaro frowned. "Kitsune? Did you just wark?"

Kitsune giggled. "I don't choke, silly. I'm a natural."

Keitaro facefaulted, and just then, a penguin waddled into the room. "Wark
wu-ark!"

"The hell's that?"

Kitsune scooped the pengiun up in her arms and hugged it. "This is Pen-pen,
and he lives here with us. He's a spa penguin, and he's got his own place in
the kitchen."

Keitaro just sighed. His day had rapidly gone from weird to weird-as-hell, and
now it was heading something he called "the _hell_" and despised.

"Oy."

* * * * *

Jikai, Shinseiki Hinagelion!

HARUKA: All are cast into the abyss, and few climb out.
MUTSUMI: Those that do make it out are either rewarded or damned.
SHINOBU: What they receive has no bearing on their behavior in life.
KITSUNE: If the abyss is large enough, people will cast themselves in.
SU: The next episode of Shinseiki Hinagelion...
MOTOKO: "Hell Hath no Fury."
KEITARO: Or "Why, God, WHY?!?"

* * * * * * * * * *

AUTHOR'S NOTES

Whee, this is fun.

First of all, this only has two more parts to it - the episode
where Asuka comes to Japan and "End of Hinagelion." This baby's
short compared to OVSDHH:ACTSNB.

There are two more bastardized fusions I've got after this, and
that'll complete the set of four. However, the other two are one-shots,
as I've definitely not seen enough of one of the series to qualify myself
to write anything past the first 2 episodes of each.

And yes, you can expect Keitaro's gender-bending roles to get
far, far worse in the future. Poor bastard.

Secondly, as a gift to Kanako Himezaki-Urashima, I've got a shoujo-ai
series in the works. It's called "The Kyoto Liddo-Kun," and it's
a mystery without my particular brand of humor. That's right, it's a
romantic mystery shoujo-ai non-canon fic. If your head hasn't exploded
yet, go ahead and spray a fire extinguisher over it to calm down. When
you read it, you'll be damn surprised at the pairing.

Thirdly, some of you have e-mailed asking for photos of me or the studios
where I work on my stuff. I'm happy to say that I've gone ahead and taken
photos of the studios and I'm working on a Flash tour of them that behaves
like the old game "Myst." That's right - you just click on various objects
in the studio, and either my voice will give you a description, or, like
in the case of some of the electronic equipment, odd things will happen
(the most bastardized PC in the world running the Mac OS, which it really
can do, thanks to Basilisk II; the homemade RCA-to-miniplug jacks I did on
some 30-year-old kickass speakers and a JBL Pro woofer; or the Otaku Shelf.
I'll leave that last one up to you to guess about).

Lastly, I'm still looking for a job. If anyone knows of a job in Houston
in the area from downtown to Dairy Ashford and Briar Forest, let me know,
please. You'll be giving me hints on where to find money for my college education.

And so,

Ja ne!

Tuxedo Jack
Tuxedojack@juno.com
June 23rd, 2003

"Ants should NOT be in my pasta, dammit!"