Jingle Bells, Batman Smells
By
Angelina
It was Christmas Eve in Gotham. Snow draped the rooftops in its blankets and covered the streets below in its flawless white. Batman gave it an hour before that beautiful white turned to gray and black.
He was currently in the Batmobile listening to the police frequency for any crimes. Normally he wouldn't be so passive about crime-fighting, but it was Christmas Eve and he was hoping not to have to fight any crime tonight. Little did he know what excitement the night had in store for him.
Just blocks away at Arkham Asylum, the inmates were enjoying a rather peaceful evening, decorating their forty-foot Christmas tree. A rousing chorus of Jingle Bells was currently being sung by the prison choir, or what was left of the choir after Killer Croc went trick-or-treating the previous October. All was peaceful, until…
"Jingle bells, Batman smells," Joker pushed his way roughly through the crowd to swipe the star from an angry Riddler. He began climbing the ladder to place the shining gold ornament on top of the tree.
"Robin laid an egg,
The Batmobile lost the wheel
And the Joker got aaaawwwaaayyy, Hey!" With the last word Joker slammed the star down on top of the tree.
BOOM!
Fire erupted from the base of the tree, blasting away several inmates and guards, the rest running for cover. Joker quickly grabbed onto the tree as it rose from it base and rocketed towards a skylight far above.
The tree broke through the skylight with the resounding tinkling of glass.
"Crashing through the roof,
On a one horse open tree,
Busting out I go,
Laughing all the weeeeeeeee. Hahahahahahahaha-" Joker's insane laughter faded over the skyline of Gotham.
Far below Batman glanced out of the window of the Batmobile to see the bat-signal flashing.
"Great, just my luck."
Silently he woke his slumbering partner and they swung off over the rooftops of Gotham towards Gotham PD.
"Yes commissioner?" Batman stepped out of the darkness, startling everyone on the roof save the commissioner.
"Ah Batman, thank goodness you're here! The Joker just broke out of Arkham Asylum-"
The vigilante snorted, this happened at least three times a month.
"On a rocket powered Christmas tree."
Okay, that was new. Batman walked off shaking his head without any further explanation from the commissioner.
Robin fell into step behind Batman as the grim vigilante walked away. "Who is it this time?"
"Joker."
Robin snorted. "So, happens once a week? We'll have him busted in an hour."
Batman put a hand over his mouth feigning a yawn as he stifled a smile at his young partner's enthusiasm.
"So, how did he do it this time?"
"Rocket powered Christmas tree."
Robin stumbled at that but quickly caught himself. "Well, this is Gotham, stranger things have happened."
"Stranger things indeed."
"What do you think he's after?" The two began swinging across the rooftops towards a destination only known to big, dark and brooding.
"Use your brain, where do you think he would go?" Batman was always one for on-the-job training sessions.
Robin's face screwed up in concentration for a second before he finally answered. "It's Christmas Eve which means that there are not only a large number of wealthy citizens holding parties but also charity events collecting loads of money. But, it could be any number of these events."
"Good, except you left one thing out. He'll be going for the Gotham Bank. It's closed and on minimum security this week."
Robin shrugged, in time he would get better.
Three minutes later they landed on the rooftop of Jerry's Department Store, directly across from Gotham Bank. And sure enough, there was a forty foot Christmas tree waiting by a massive hole in the bank's wall.
"Looks like he already busted into the vault." Robin observed.
Batman nodded.
"Didn't Penguin blow a hole in that same spot last week?"
Batman nodded.
"And didn't Mr. Freeze drill through the floor the week before that?"
Batman nodded.
"And didn't Scarecrow break the central air system when he flooded it with fear gas last month?"
Batman nodded.
"And didn't Clayface and Bane rip the vault door to shreds, twice, the month before that?"
Batman nodded.
"And didn't Killer Croc eat that teller last Thanksgiving?"
Batman sighed and nodded.
"How does this place keep paying for all the repairs?"
Batman shrugged, grabbed hold of Robin before he could ask any more idiotic questions, and swung down into the twenty foot hole in the side of the bank. Joker had blasted his way into the vault and was now laughing maniacally as he shoved fistfuls of hundred dollar bills into loot sacks. Batman and Robin landed gracefully on either side of him.
"Batsie! Robbie Poo! How nice of you to join Uncle J!" Joker didn't look startled that they were there.
"It's Christmas Eve Joker, don't you have anything better to do."
Joker pursed his lips and looked thoughtful before grinning peevishly. "Nope! Hahahahaha!"
Batman leveled an icy Bat-glare at the clown.
"Oh, lighten up Batsie, it's a holiday!" Joker laughed, throwing the money in his hands up in the air and dancing around as it rained down on him like confetti.
Batman continued to glare.
Joker's smile fell and he leaned over to where Robin was perched behind him. "He never lightens up, does he?"
"No not really. I tried to sing Christmas carols in the Batcave once and he made me scrub the Batmobile for a month."
Batman used the momentary distraction to send a fist flying at Joker which connected solidly with the madman's jaw and sent him flying across the vault.
Joker bombs, BANG! flags, bat-a-rangs, and bird-a-rangs flew in all directions as a fierce battle ensued. Three minutes later Batman emerged with a tied and grumbling Joker.
"Ruin all my fun, and on Christmas too!"
Batman glared and threw him none-too-gently into the back of a waiting prison transport vehicle.
Finally Batman could go home. But Robin had other ideas.
"Uhhhhh Batman, can I ride on the Christmas tree?"
"No."
"Please."
"No."
"Pretty please!"
"No."
"Pretty please with a cherry on top!"
"For the last time: NO."
Robin's bottom lip began to tremble and Batman could just imagine the big, pouting blue eyes that lay hidden behind his mask. He turned away before his junior partner completely dissolved in tears.
He began walking back to the Batmobile when he was stopped by a red blur.
"What are you doing here Allen?" he addressed the speedster coldly.
"Well, Kid Flash heard about the rocket powered Christmas tree and wanted to have a spin on it so I thought we could just pop over here real quick and get ourselves a quick ride." Flash looked hopeful.
Batman glowered as Robin, Flash, and Kid Flash begged. "No."
Flash looked like he was ready to join Robin in tears while Kid Flash looked mischievously at the rocket in the middle of the tree.
Before Batman could deal with his crying partner, bawling speedster, and the mischievous prankster who was getting too close to the tree's operating system for comfort, Speedy arrived with Green Arrow in tow.
"See, I told you it was real. A rocket powered Christmas tree, best idea ever!"
Ollie scratched his head, a bit bemused that his ward had been truthful about such a contraption. "Well excuse me for not believing that someone could actually strap a rocket to a Christmas tree and make it work. And no, before you even think about asking, I will not in a million years buy you a rocket powered Christmas tree."
"Ah man!" Speedy glared and went to join Kid Flash in his inspection of the hardware inside the tree.
Batman, who had been throttling the bawling Flash, paused as Green Arrow walked over. "Ollie."
"Bruce." The blonde's eyes narrowed.
"C-can't b-breathe!" gasped Flash.
Batman released the unfortunate speedster after giving him a good shake.
He turned to grab Robin and get out of there when he found his way blocked by Aquaman, Aqualad shyly hiding behind his king. "Batman, we heard rumours of a christmas tree that could fly. Kaldur'ahm and I wished to see if those rumours were indeed true." The Atlantian looked expectantly at Batman. The vigilante pointed towards the rather large Christmas tree that had seemed to escape the king's attention before continuing to scoop up Robin and leave.
No sooner did he have a hold on Robin than the little acrobat squirmed his way out and ran back over to where Kid Flash, Speedy, and Aqualad were inspecting the tree.
"Oh, come on Batman; let the kids have a little fun. After all, it is Christmas." Flash exhorted eagerly.
Batman checked his watch and was surprised to see that it was past midnight already. He sighed and nodded, silently giving his consent.
"YIPPY!" Flash zoomed over to the tree and climbed onto it. He was soon joined by Green Arrow, Speedy, Aquaman, and Aqualad.
"Can we really?" Robin asked Batman with pleading saucers for eyes. Batman gave a small smile and hoisted Robin atop the tree. He climbed up after him; put a protective arm around the child's waist, and grabbed hold of the star. A few seconds later he had the tree up and running and they were blasting off towards the skyline of Gotham.
Everyone had fun, laughing with each other as they held on for dear life and watched the city far below fly past them.
It was Flash that ruined it for everyone. "Um, how do we land this thing?"
A/N No I cannot take credit for the rocket powered Christmas tree, sadly. This is the video that inspired the story: . com/watch?v= Veju4PxhuGc (spaces removed)
