undyingumbrage [uu] began jeering timaeusTestified [TT]

uu: DIRK.

uu: ARE YOu READY TO GET YOuR ASS HANDED TO YOu?

uu: BECAuSE THAT IS DEFINITELY WHAT WILL HAPPEN.

uu: I WILL LAuGH AS YOu WEEP.

uu: AND LAP uP THE SALTY HuMAN EYE SWEAT FROM YOuR CHEEKS.

TT: You bet I'm ready, bro.

T: I am so psyched to be gifted my own buttocks by an obnoxious alien troll, you wouldn't even believe it.

uu: DIRK. I AM NOT A TROLL. I AM A *CHERuB*.

uu: WE LOOK PRETTY FuCKING DIFFERENT, YOu KNOW.

uu: OR MAYBE ALL "ALIENS" LOOK THE SAME TO YOu. YOu RACIST PIECE OF SHIT.

TT: Dude.

TT: First of all, I have no idea what you look like, remember?

TT: Or what cherubs as a species look like, for that matter.

TT: Second, a "troll" is a term used to describe someone who makes someone angry on purpose.

uu: SO I MAKE YOu ANGRY.

uu: GOOD. I CAN WORK WITH THAT.

TT: What do you mean?

uu: YOu'LL FIND OUT.

TT: That doesn't sound ominous.

TT: Anyway, what took you so long to ask me to play the game? It's been a week.

uu: FOR ME. IT HAS BEEN SECONDS.

uu: BuT I FIGuRED I WOuLD GIVE YOu A WEEK. TO PREPARE.

uu: SO. THE QUESTION REMAINS.

uu: ARE YOu READY TO BE COMPLETELY EMASCuLATED, DIRK.

TT: I was born ready.

Caliborn and Dirk then proceeded to have the most epic online chess battle in the history of Paradox space. Truly, some sincerely exceptional ownage was taking place.

Unfortunately, Caliborn found he was the one being owned.

TT: Huh. Using Assand's gambit. That's a bold move.

uu: HA HA. YES. I AM DEFINITELY uSING THIS STRATEGY ON PuRPOSE.

uu: WHAT IS ASSAND's GAMBIT.

TT: It's when you play pathetically and lose all your pieces save for a pawn and a king, and then lose miserably once you lose your pawn.

TT: And rook to D4. You just lost your pawn. Checkmate.

uu: WHAT. THAT SOuNDS LIKE A TERRIBLE STRATEGY. WHO THE HELL IS ASSAND.

TT: You know, Assand. Assand Titties.

uu: THAT'S A StuPID NAME.

uu: OH. WAIT.

uu: YOu ARE MAKING A PuN BASED ON EROTIC FEMALE HuMAN BODY PARTS.

uu: HOW JuVENILE.

TT: Pot. Kettle. Black.

uu: SAYING RANDOM NOuNS WILL NOT CONFuSE ME.

Caliborn identified now as the time to make his move.

uu: ANYWAY. DIRK. THERE IS SOMETHING I WANT TO CONFESS TO YOu.

TT: Is it that you fucking suck at chess? Because, trust me, I already know.

uu: NO, YOu INCOMPETENT PINKISH SACK OF MEATFLESH.

uu: THIS IS SOMETHING SERIOUS.

TT: Dude, how bad you are at chess is no joke.

uu: SEE. IT'S SNIDE REMARKS LIKE THIS. YOu KNOW.

uu: IT'S WHY I HATE YOu.

uu: LIKE…

uu: ...HATE HATE YOu.

TT: Why'd you put hate twice?

TT: Oh.

TT: Wait.

TT: Is this some fucked up alien romance thing?

uu: DING DING DING.

uu: WINNER, WINNER, CLuCKBEAST DINNER.

TT: Well, I'm flattered, but…

uu: BuT WHAT?

TT: I'm not interested.

uu: ...WHAT?

uu: ARE YOu SAYING YOu DON'T HATE ME?

uu: THAT YOuR MEMORIES OF OuR TIME TOGETHER ARE NOT TAINTED BLACK?

uu: THAT YOuR HEART IS NOT SCORCHED BY MY FIRES OF PITCH PASSION?

TT: You're being really fucking annoying right now. Does that count?

uu: NO. IT'S NOT THE SAME.

uu: GOODBYE, DIRK.

undyingumbrage [uu] ceased jeering timaeusTestified [TT].

Caliborn stared at his screen dejectedly. He had put his heart on the line, only to have it crushed in Dirk's pink meaty hands. However, he would survive this. He was strong. And, being of such emotional fortitude, he did the only logical course of action.

He bawled his eyes out.