Despair by SLynn

Chapter 2:  Good Intentions

 ***ONE WEEK LATER***

Buffy had just finished another night of slaying.  It had been slow, only one vamp.  It was unheard of for a hellmouth to be this quiet and too bad really because she was in the mood to fight.  She had been mentally berating herself ever since the incident with Xander.  Not so much the incident itself, but the aftermath.

She had meant to tell the truth.  Tell Giles and the gang everything; after all she owed it to them.  They'd helped so much, fought as hard as she had, and deserved real answers.  And they suffered too.  But something happened.  She was going to tell them all about how Xander had traded his soul for her life.  That he'd died for her and only asked for Constance not to hurt Buffy.  He just wanted Constance to leave her alone, and that proved too much of a challenge for the she-devil.  Ultimately Constance had done herself in with her own sadistic tricks. 

She going to say all of that, but she hadn't.

Instead she told them watered down version.  The easy version.  Constance had killed Xander and broke the rules.  Zothos was freed and fixed them.  Simple, neat and a complete lie.  But it was to late now and after all, it was the right thing to do.

A week later and Buffy was still trying to convince herself she'd been right.  Her intentions had been good.  She reasoned that it was almost the same, her version versus the original.  Plus this way no one had to be hurt any more then necessary.

Part of her also felt it was her responsibility to fix whatever had gone wrong.  The warning from Zothos to "be watchful" still rang in her head.  Buffy was the reason that this had happen; she'd be the one to fix it. 

But she was beginning to have doubts.  Xander wasn't getting better; in fact, she thought he might be getting worse.  He seemed distant.  It felt like part of him was just gone.

She spoken with Giles about it, in as vague of terms as she could, and he said it was natural.  Xander had been through a huge ordeal and it was expected for him to experience some type of post-traumatic stress.  He'd said to give him some space and just let him know we were all there for him.  So they had.  She had.  And still nothing. 

She couldn't do anything more now except hope Giles was right.  That and keep watching.

****

The next night the whole gang, excepting Xander and Anya, sat in Giles' living room discussing the news of the week.  Although invited, no one had expected them to be there. Xander hadn't left his house in three days and Anya was practically glued to his hip.  Spike was making a rare appearance, but didn't really have anything to add.  None of them did.  The topic of the night wasn't some new super-evil or planned Armageddon.  Instead they were focused on the lack of evil activity that had swept through Sunnydale.

"Maybe we should just thank the goddess we're getting a break," Willow said, trying to sound optimistic, "a slack in evil doesn't necessarily mean some big bad is working the evil mojo.  Does it?"

"Your right," Giles added, "we may just be experiencing a normal lull."

"Seven vampires in a week," Buffy said, clearly not buying it, "only seven.  Seven in one night is well below average for Sunnydale.  There's something going on."

"You know," Spike chimed in, "you're all worrying about the wrong thing.  You should stop worrying about what may be coming and start worrying about what's already here.  With what's already happened."

They all just looked at him blankly.  Normally Spike only showed up if he thought there was something in it for him.  He never really stopped to just help them, let alone warn them.  But that sounded like exactly what he was doing.  Warning them.

"What are you talking about?"

It was the question they all wanted to ask only Tara had beaten them to it.

"You know.  You're the only one that seems too in fact."

No one said anything and Willow gave Tara a sideways glance.

"The boy's not right."

"Xander's is to right," Willow spat out, standing and beginning to pace a bit, "he's just recovering."

"Oh yeah, he's right as rain," Spike said, nearly laughing.

"Spike, you don't know what your talking about," Buffy said, her voice hard.  She wasn't going to hear this.  Not from Spike.

"I don't do I?"

"Admittedly, Xander's been a bit detached…" Giles started.

"Detached!" Spike said, this time he was laughing, "he's starting to make Dru look sane."

"That's enough Spike," Buffy said, cutting him off, "we don't need you here."

"Fine," he said, throwing up his hands in mock defeat as he stood to leave, "but I'm not alone on this, right Tara?"

Willow, Buffy and Giles all turned stared at her in disbelief.

"Um," was all she said.

"You don't think that, do you?" Willow asked, sounding hurt.

"Well, he… he… he doesn't really…"

"It's only been a week."

"I know Willow, but…"

"Okay, okay, let's not do this now, not here," Giles interjected, "perhaps we haven't been pushing Xander enough to talk about this..."

"Still, he's not insane," Willow added, cutting him off mid-sentence.

"No," Giles answered, "but we do need to help him more."

Spike hovered by the door a moment longer and then left.  Buffy, determined to get answers, followed him.

"Wait," she called out, "what did you really mean back there?"

"Nothing," he said, shaking his head in exasperation.

"Seriously Spike, we need to know if Xander's really in trouble here.  If you know something…"

"I don't know anything for certain, love.  It's just that if you say this Constance woman, whatever she was, was as strong as that, maybe she's not completely gone."

Buffy felt cold.  Zothos had said something similar.

"…death is but a door…"

"What?" Spike asked.

"Nothing," Buffy said quickly moving on, "How would her still being here account for a lack of everything else evil."

"You can't feel it?" he asked, stepping a little closer, "It's in the air."

Buffy looked at him skeptically.

"I don't know what you…"

"Fear."

Buffy was silenced.

"Whatever's here, it's getting stronger.  And the things that normally go bump in the night are scared Buffy.  Scared enough to leave town."

Buffy felt herself growing colder.

"But you're probably right," Spike said, changing his tone completely as only he can, "probably has nothing to do with your boy."

After that, Spike was gone, and Buffy couldn't help feeling he hadn't left soon enough.

****

Xander lay awake in his bed, completely ignoring the soft snore of Anya beside him.  Why was she here anyway?  He'd tried several times to give her the hint that he hadn't really wanted her around, but in true Anya fashion she was completely oblivious to anything she didn't care to see.

'Pity keeps here her.'

No, he didn't want to believe that.  He knew Anya loved him, at least she use to.

'Before all of this.  Before you were wrecked.'

No, still.  Anya still loved him.  He should be nicer to her.  Nicer to all of his friends, but it was hard.  Hard to look at them, knowing they couldn't possible see him as anything other then…

'…a shell.  An empty, used-up shell.'

He hadn't been strong enough to fight Constance.  She'd beaten, humiliated, and destroyed him.  All of his friends knew it too.  He could see it in their faces.  They thought he was weak.

'They've always thought that.'

True.

Xander got up and went into his bathroom.  He washed his face and just sat there for a minute, looking down into the sink. 

This week.  This week had been the longest of his life.  Every day, every hour felt like eons.  He hadn't slept and couldn't eat.  He'd lost both of his jobs.  And his friends thought he was losing his mind.

'Maybe you are.'

Xander looked up into the mirror knowing what he'd see.  Who he'd see.

Constance.

'Then again, maybe it's not yours to lose anymore.'

Smiling.  She was always smiling.  He hated that before, but lately it was almost reassuring.

'I always win Xander.'

Xander shook his head turned to leave.  He knew the routine well and he was too tired to fight it.  He just wanted a moment, one moment of peace.  But she was always there, with him, inside his head.  He'd tried to fight it, tried to fight her, but it was hopeless.  She always wins.

'Always.'