Authors Notes: Oh no, no disclaimer? Gasp? It's on the first chapter loves.

This chapter contains like a tinsy bit of self mutilation.


I wake up to the smell of something burning and reluctantly get out of bed. I walk out into the kitchen to see a firefighter standing next to Catherine. I didn't hear the sirens before but now I can, I look over at my kitchen and see they have all the windows open trying to let the smoke out and my countertops are pretty much black as are the cabinets. I see Catherine walk over to me out of my peripheral vision but my focus is still on my kitchen, how was I suppose to explain this to my landlord. I suppose I'm just luck that I live on the top floor.

"Sara! I'm so sorry Sara! I really didn't mean for this to happen. I just looked away for a moment and when I turned back it was all just on fire, I looked for a fire extinguisher but I couldn't find one and by the time I did it was already too big and the fire department was here." Catherine tries to explain to me. "I'll pay for the damages but… well… the firefighters said you'll probably need to stay somewhere else for awhile while everything gets repaired."

All I can do is stare at my kitchen and blink. Reality hasn't really set into met just yet. This is all just a dream. Catherine wasn't even here at all, just me and my stupid little dreams. I've gotta wake up. Any moment now I'll wake up and none of this will have happened.

Catherine moved in front of me to get my attention, "You can come and stay with me while it's getting repaired… that is, if you want to."

It's not like I have anywhere else to go so I tell her yes but, remember, it's just a dream so it doesn't matter weather I've said yes or no because none of it's really happening. I'm starting to feel the pain of my hangover now so I just walk away while I hear Catherine talking to the firefighters. I'm in my bathroom taking two Tylenols so the banging in my head will go away and than I realize it, if this were a dream, there would be no need to take the Tylenol because there would be no banging in my head.

"Great, this is really happening?" I stare at myself in the mirror and start to wonder why I wasn't woken up during this whole thing. I just close my eyes, I don't even care anymore, better yet, I wish that she would have let the whole place just burn to the ground so that I could just die with it. I look at myself in the mirror once more and I hate the person I see, I hate the person I've become, I hate the person he's made me. I use to be happy. I use to have a life but than I moved here and everything just changed.

Before I know what I'm doing I scream, "I HATE YOU!" I move back and lean against the wall and I'm not even sure I'm real right now. I grab the closet thing to me which happens to be a can of hair spray and I throw it so hard at the mirror that it just shatters. I just stare at where there use to be a mirror over my sink and smile. Fuck, I must look so crazy right now, but if only everyone knew the things I've gone though, the problems I've had. The eating disorders, the cutting, the pain, if I only they saw the real me.

I lean down a pick up a piece of glass that's next to my foot. I look at the glass and than my wrist and I want to die. I'm bleeding, I can see the blood but before I can do any real damage Catherine is here and she's holding me and crying. I don't know why she's crying but she is. I don't know where my piece of glass is but I don't have it anymore, I must have dropped it or she took it, I can't even tell.

She's putting something over my wrist trying to stop the bleeding but I don't want it there so I'm fighting her. She wins. I'm so weak. I can't even fight to die. I wonder what she's going to tell Grissom now; I wonder what he's going to think of me.

Catherine's holding me and she's crying harder and now I'm crying. I didn't want her to cry. I didn't want to hurt her. She's moved us over to the bed and still has the towel over my wrist, I'm pretty sure I've stopped bleeding but she keeps it there wrapping her fingers around my wrist more when I try to get her to remove it. I don't talk, I don't look at her. I just let her. I don't want her to cry anymore but she won't stop and it's only making me sadder. It's only making me feel worse. I just want her to be happy, to smile. I don't know how to make her smile though; I seem to only bring her anger or pain. Making her smile is a tough one for me.

I'm drowsy and my eye lids feel heavy so I close them and only see pools of blue. I don't know where they're from but that's all I see and I'm happy with that. Catherine's still holding me. She's stopped crying by now so things are a little better. I'm drifting away, slowly drifting and before I know it I'm asleep. Sleep is good, sleep is just want the doctor order, well, sleep and a new prescription of anti-depressants.