Act II
Seconds after the end of Act I.
Priest: You may now RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
Everyone in the barn starts running around and screaming in utter chaos except for Lana and Clark who stare at each other intently.
Lana: Looks like things haven't changed much around here, huh?
Clark: (Staring into her eyes.)
Lana: Clark?
Clark: (Stares.)
Lana: …Clark?
Clark: (Stares.)
Lana: Oh, I forgot! We're supposed to have a "moment" before we can start speaking.
Clark: (Nods.)
Lana: (Stares.)
Clark: (Stares.)
Lois: Oliver, duck!
Oliver: What did you call me?!
Lois: I meant get down, dork!
She tackles Oliver to the floor behind the wedding cake, landing on top of him.
Oliver: Why, Lois. We haven't been this close in ages.
Lois: Don't take it personal. I just don't fancy that thing ripping your head off is all.
Oliver: But you don't mind him ripping off Chloe's head?
Lois: Chloe!
They get up on their knees behind the cake to see Doomsday storming toward Chloe and Jimmy.
Jimmy: Oh, my lands! (He jumps into Chloe's arms.)
Chloe: Are you kidding?! You're supposed to protect me! I'm the bride!
Doomsday: (Roaring.) BRIDE!!!
Everyone: AAAAAHHH!
Chloe: Clark?! A little help here?!
Clark, still staring into Lana's eyes, holds up a finger in a gesture of "Hold on."
Doomsday: I thirst for BLOOD!
Everyone: AAAAAHHH!!!
Chloe: (Terrified.) How about a lemon drop instead? I hear they're delicious!
Doomsday: NO!
Jimmy: Yeah, or maybe some juicy beefsteak? It's very bloody!
Doomsday: NO!
Chloe: We have a full buffet! There must be something we can get you!
Doomsday: I want NUPTIALS!
Lois & Oliver: EEEEW!!!
Everyone: AAAAHHH!
Chloe: CLAAAAARK!
Lana: (To Clark.) Can we talk yet?
Clark: Nope. A couple more seconds.
Lana: Oh, sorry.
Clark: (Stares.)
Lana: (Stares.)
Lois: Oliver, we have to do something!
Oliver: I know! This is terrible!
Lois: Someone might die!
Oliver: Oh, she's going to die when I get my hands on her!
Lois: What? Who are you talking about?
Oliver: (Pointing at Lana and Clark.) Two minutes back and she's already reeling him in.
Lois: (Gasp.) That little tramp! Quick, tear my dress off!
Oliver: What?
Lois: I'm going over to break them apart. But I need to look all abused and sexy. Help me!
Lois starts tearing at her dress.
Oliver: No way! I'm not letting you close to him either. I'll go break it up.
Lois: (Snort.) With what, your quivering arrow of love?
Oliver: Why not? Clark could go for the heroic type.
Lois: What universe have you been living in? Clark has a savior complex. He goes for the victim every time.
Oliver: (Thinks it over.) Quick, tear my shirt off!
Doomsday is still advancing on Chloe and Jimmy.
Jimmy: (Now hiding behind Chloe.) Back off, you awful, awful thing, or my wife is gonna rip you a new—
Chloe: Jimmy, I'm going to rip you something if you don't start protecting me!
Doomsday: BRIDE!!!
Everyone: (Still running around chaotically.) AAAAHH!!!
Chloe: Clark?! Lois?! ANYONE???
Lana: (Stomach grumbles.)
Clark: Ssh.
Lana: I can't help it…
Clark: Sssh!
Lana: (Sigh.)
Clark: (Stares.)
Oliver: (To Lois.) Heads or tails?
Lois: Ollie, this is stupid.
Oliver: Come on! Heads or tails?
Lois: Why even bother? We both know that Clark would never go for you anyway.
Oliver: Are you sure about that?
Lois: Absolutely.
Oliver: So why don't you just let me go to him?
Lois: (Pause.) Heads.
Oliver flips the coin.
Chloe: Lois and Oliver, I swear to God, if I die tonight, I will haunt you for the rest of your lives!
Oliver: (Looking at the coin.) Tails! I get to go break them up!
Lois: Damn! Well, forget it. We have to help Chloe now.
Oliver: But Clark and Lana…
Lois: Let it go, Queenie! This is a call to arms!
She grabs a handful of wedding cake.
Lois: (Still behind the cake.) Hey, Dooms-Gay! How do you like devil's food?
Doomsday: Devil's food?
Lana: Ooh, is that the cake?
Clark: What? Gay?!
Lois and Oliver chuck big handfuls of wedding cake at the monster, knocking him back a few steps.
Lois: Take that!
Oliver: And that!
Doomsday: (Falling to his knees under the assault.) AAAAHHH!
Lana: Clark, this is a really long moment—
Clark: Sh! It's almost over.
Lana: I'm sorry, but I'm so hungry. Do you think you could catch a piece of cake for me?
Clark: Fine.
Clark reaches out and catches two flying slices of cake. He hands one to Lana.
Lana: Thank you.
Clark: No problem.
They both take a big bite.
Clark: (Mouthful.) Cake.
Lana: (Mouthful, nodding.) Cake.
Doomsday writhes on the ground, now being pelted with wedding cake by Lois, Oliver, Jimmy, and Chloe.
Doomsday: Aaaah! What is this devil's food?!
Chloe: (To Lois.) Bet you're glad I didn't choose white cake now, huh?
Lois: Good call, cuz! This cake really packs a punch!
Doomsday: Make it stop! Make it stop!
Clark: You know, Lana, there's something I need to ask you.
Lana: I know, Clark. I shouldn't have left Smallville without seeing you first.
Clark: Oh, um, actually… What I really wanted to ask was…
Lana: Yes, Clark?
Clark: (Pointing to the flower behind her ear.) Can I have that?
Jimmy: (Shoving cake in Doomsday's face.) I'll teach you to crash my wedding, you horny freak!
The fighting ceases.
Oliver: Ew.
Lois: Mis…take?
Jimmy: (Embarrassed.) No, no, no. I didn't mean horny like horny. I meant horny like… has horns.
Oliver & Lois & Chloe: (Understanding.) Ooooh!
Oliver: Well, back to it then.
They pelt more cake at Doomsday.
Doomsday: Please! Please stop caking me! I beg of you, stop!
Priest: You may now invite me to help!
Chloe: Oh, absolutely, Father!
Lois: Yeah, Padre! Come join the fun!
The priest grabs a large handful of cake and holds it over his head.
Priest: In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. I cast you out, demon!
Everyone: AMEN!
They throw more cake.
Lana: (Removing the flower from behind her ear.) Well, aren't you sweet? You want something to remember me by in case I leave again.
Clark: (Taking the flower.) Um… right.
He turns his back on Lana and hunches over the flower to pick the petals.
Clark: (Quietly.) Loves me, loves me not.
Lana walks around Clark to face him.
Lana: You know, if you want to know how I feel about you, you can just ask.
Clark: (Polite smile.) Thanks. (Turns away.) Loves me, loves me not.
Lana: (Walking around.) It's not something you have to be ashamed of, Clark. We've been through a lot together.
Clark: (Smile.) I know. (Turns away.) Loves me, loves me not.
Lana runs around to face him again and puts a hand on top of the flower.
Lana: Loves you.
Clark: (Picking a petal.) Loves me not.
Lana: (Picking a petal, smiling sweetly.) Loves you.
Clark: (Becoming annoyed, picking a petal.) Loves me not.
Lana: (Taking up the challenge.) Loves you!
Clark: Loves me not!
Lana: Loves you!
Clark: Loves me not!
Lana: Loves!
Clark: Not!
Lana: Loves!
Clark: NOT!
They continue to yell at each other, demolishing the flower in the process.
Doomsday: Please, please, please stop caking me!
Priest: Oh, what's the matter? Is the big bad demon gonna cry?
Lois: Oh, here, let me give you a tissue.
She slams him with more cake. Everyone laughs.
Doomsday: (Breaking down.) Stop!
Oliver: Nice one, Lois! Hey, Dumbs-Day! Go long!
Slams more cake in his face.
Doomsday: (Sobbing.) I said STOP! Stop it, you mean jerks!
Everyone stops. Doomsday sits up and cries into his hands.
Doomsday: (Through sobs.) I'm serious, you guys! Enough is enough! It's not funny anymore! (Sob, sob.)
Lois: Umm…
Doomsday: How would you feel if you came to a wedding and everyone called you names and threw cake at you? (Sob, sob.)
Oliver: Oh, wow. We seriously hurt your feelings, didn't we?
Doomsday: (Sniff.) Yes! You really did!
Chloe: (Kneeling down next to him.) Well, hey, Doomsday, I'm really sorry to have hurt your feelings.
Doomsday: Thank you.
Chloe: But when you storm in here saying that you thirst for my blood, I sort of have to defend myself, you know?
Doomsday: Thirst for your blood?
Jimmy: That is what you said, Doomsday.
Doomsday: Oh, I'm such an idiot! I didn't mean blood!
Lois: Dude, you didn't exactly equivocate about it.
Doomsday: No, you don't understand. "Thirst for your blood" is an old Kryptonian saying! The literal English translation sounds violent, but in essence, it just means that I thirst for your heart!
Chloe: Um... is that supposed to sound better?
Doomsday: It means I'm in love with you, Chloe! I want your... nuptials.
Lois & Oliver: Ew.
Doomsday: Oh, did I get the translation wrong again? You don't call them nuptials?
Lois & Oliver: Ew!
Chloe: No, Doomsday, we do call them nuptials...
Lois & Oliver: ACK!!!
Chloe: It's just not a very favored word around here.
Doomsday: (Wiping his eyes.) I apologize.
Chloe: No, I apologize. We all do. (Pointedly.) Don't we, everyone?
Lois: Whatever.
Oliver: Sure.
Jimmy: Apologize?!.
Priest: (Snore.)
Jimmy: Father, wake up!
Priest: Huh?! Oh! You may now kiss the bride!
Chloe: Never mind. Doomsday, it was really sweet of you to stop by. I'm honored that you would thirst for my blood.
Jimmy: Yeah, but—
Doomsday: Would you consider thirsting for mine as well?
Jimmy: Hey, listen, bud, she's already spoken for—
Chloe: Well, I must admit, it's nice to have the affections of someone so assertive. With such a strong... backbone.
Jimmy: Wait a minute!
Doomsday: (Flirtatious.) My backbone is on the outside of my skin.
Chloe: (Blushing.) So I've noticed. It's very... horny.
Lois & Oliver: Ew!
Jimmy: Chloe, are you honestly going to sit there and flirt with this crypty-whosy-monster-thingie right in front of my face?
Doomsday: (To Chloe.) Maybe I'm really the guy of your dreams masquerading as a crypty-whosy... um… (To Jimmy.) How did you put it?
Chloe: (Wide-eyed.) Oh, Doomsday! Now you're speaking my language! Maybe I really could love you—
Clark: NOT!!!
Chloe: Sorry, Clark. You had your chance.
Lana: LOVES!!!
Chloe: Huh?
Clark: NOT! NOT! NOT!
Everyone backs out of the way as Clark and Lana roll toward them on the ground, wrestling viciously over the now unrecognizable flower.
Lana: (Scratching at Clark's face.) I said love you, Clark!
Clark: (Slapping at Lana's face.) I told you, I don't care!
Lana: Then why were you playing the loves me, loves me not game with my flower?
Clark: Who says I was thinking about you?!
Everyone gasps. Lana pulls away from Clark and stands up, brushing her dress off.
Lana: (Breathless.) Now, wait a minute. If you weren't playing the flower game for me, then who were you playing it for?
Clark: (Standing.) Well, wouldn't you like to know, Little Miss Runs-Away-Without-Saying-Goodbye!
Oliver: I'd like to know, Clark!
Lois: Oh, me too! Tell us!
Jimmy: Is everyone in love with Clark Kent?!
Chloe: Well, I don't care who you love, Clark, because I've already found a man. (Puts her arms around Doomsday.) Isn't that right, my little red-eyed dreamboat?
Jimmy: What?!
Doomsday: Hooray!
Jimmy: Chloe!
Chloe: But if you must tell us, Clark, then go ahead. I mean, like I said I don't care... But go ahead and tell us. Who are you in love with? Not that I care. But you can tell us if you want…
Jimmy: (Exasperated.) Do I even exist right now? (To the Priest.) Can you see me, Father? Am I real?
Priest: (Snore.)
Jimmy: Well, fuck.
Clark: (Pouting.) Well, it doesn't really matter who I love, does it? (He holds up the headless flower.) I have picked the petals off of every single flower in this barn, and they all said that my love isn't returned.
Chloe & Oliver & Lois & Lana: (In unison.) You can't depend on some stupid superstitious flower game to tell you if the person you love returns your affections, you idiot!!!
They all look at each other for a moment. Then they all begin shaking hands amiably. The following lines overlap.
Chloe: Very nicely done.
Lois: Well said!
Oliver: I think we're in agreement.
Lana: (Giggle.) We all thought the same thing!
End overlap.
Clark: You're right. I need to be honest about my feelings. Let the object of my affection know what I'm thinking and find out, once and for all, if those feelings are returned.
Chloe & Oliver & Lois & Lana: THEY ARE!!!
Clark: How do you know?? Have you spoken to him about it?
Lois: Him?!
Chloe: Oh, God. Don't tell me it's Lex again.
Clark: Um, no.
Oliver: Yes! I knew you loved me, Clark!
Clark: Well...
Oliver: It's not me?
Clark: No.
Lana: Yes! I knew you loved me, Clark!
Clark: You're not a him, Lana.
Lana: Oh, right.
Lois: Unless more than just your hair has changed since you've been gone.
Oliver: Oh, snap! (They high five.)
Lana: Huh?
Clark: I suppose I'll just have to tell him myself...
Oliver: But if it's not me...
Chloe: And it's not Lex... this time...
Lois: Who could it possibly be?
Long silence.
Clark: Jimmy? I know your wedding day isn't really the best time to bring this up...
Jimmy: Oh, hell no.
Clark: But I've been thinking about it for a long time, and...
Jimmy: No, no way, you have got to be kidding me.
Clark: And I wondered if you'd like to go out with me some time.
Jimmy's mouth hangs open. Everyone watches him for his response.
Jimmy: CK, I don't even like you.
Oliver: Oh, come on, Olsen. You don't have to like Clark in order to love him.
Lois: Yeah, nobody really likes Clark.
Oliver: No way.
Lana: Hear, hear.
Chloe: (Snooty, arms around Doomsday.) Well, I remain completely unaffected by all of this because, as I said, I have found a man.
Doomsday: (Proud.) I'm a dreamboat!
Jimmy looks from Oliver to Lois, to Chloe and Doomsday in each other's arms, to Lana, and finally to Clark.
Jimmy: Oh, fine. What the hell! At least someone is paying attention to me, right? Maestro!
The band starts playing dance music.
Jimmy: All right, CK. You win. Now ask me to dance.
Clark: (Smiling.) May I have this dance, Jimmy?
Jimmy: Whatever.
They go hand in hand to the dance floor. The priest wakes up with a start.
Priest: You may now have your first dance as husband and— (Sees Clark and Jimmy.) Oh, my.
Lois: Does anyone else need a drink?
Everyone: YES!
~The End~
