AN: So last night really messed me up. But I'll go down with this ship. I have a lot of feelings and a lot I want to write now, but this story is first priority. For continuity purposes of this story we need to just assume Polis does not exist. Additionally, Lexa was never offered a deal in this universe. She and Clarke fought side by side. No major casualties either. A girl can dream. Anyway, here you go. Reviews are always appreciated.
Chapter Two: Slithered Here From Eden (Just To Hide Outside Your Door)
In the two days following the snow storm, Clarke found herself more frustrated with the Commander than she'd ever been. All the walls she thought she'd manage to disassemble not only returned by the time the pair had returned to camp, but magnified in some silly overcompensating bravado. Frankly it made Clarke angry. She was angry because in such a short time Lexa had given Clarke a taste of what a real life—one without the burdens of leading her people—could be. She was infuriated that Lexa had given her so much just to rip it away in favor of stoic disinterest. Mostly, though, Clarke was furious because no matter how hard she tried to remain angry she was actually just hurt.
In the clearing that day Clarke had felt like she made a breakthrough. She had believed momentarily that something had shifted—that she and Lexa would find a way to stop whatever maddening game of do and don't they'd been playing at since they met. Clarke assumed she'd made progress with Lexa's distrust. Now though, now it felt like the one step forward resulted in three leaps back; Lexa was more harsh, less receptive, and sometimes downright rude. Just the previous night she had forced Clarke to leave her because she didn't "want to talk." Her words had stung. Clarke wasn't sure there was anyone she wanted to talk to more than Lexa.
It wasn't just that she was attracted to Lexa either because she'd always noticed just how appealing it was to look at Lexa. That revelation was not something new to work with; it was just another facet of their never-ending play at power dynamics. Ever since she put the knife through Finn's heart, Clarke had felt so disconnected. It was as if she were watching her life play out on screen. She couldn't process. Forget about feeling; that was a luxury for those who knew how to handle grief. It was as if the past month, with all it's death and loss, managed to break the scale inside of Clarke. She no longer had any way to weigh the good against the bad. It was all bad. Somewhere in it all she just shut down. That was worse.
The numbness sucked away at Clarke's soul, leaving her empty. But with Lexa...with Lexa she felt like some jagged piece of her fractured soul broke through the black hole in an attempt to find something on Lexa's side. Clarke longed, deep inside all the pain, to latch onto that same longing inside Lexa's brokenness. Spending time with the only person as devoid and empty as herself seemed to absolve Clarke's wrongdoings. Her trauma was not hers to bear alone; Lexa shared her struggle.
Maybe she was being stupid. Maybe she was mistaking an alliance for friendship. But Clarke couldn't deny that she wanted—needed—Lexa. She needed the life force like gravity. Lexa held her to the ground. She forced Clarke to feel. And maybe all the things Clarke felt were irresponsible and reckless, but it was better than the nothingness she had fallen into. Being frustrated and irritated with Lexa was infinitely better than the nothingness that threatened to emerge from the shadows at all times. Even Clarke's pain and regret and guilt was better than nothing.
That's ultimately why Clarke decided after three days of deafening silence to track Lexa down and corner her. She was sick of the attitude and she wanted answers. She figured she'd find the questions by the time her plan came to fruition.
"Where's the Commander?" Clarke demanded as she sauntered up to Octavia. For her part, Octavia continued sharpening her knife without even an acknowledgment of the question. "I'm serious, Octavia. Where is Lexa?"
Octavia's eyes rolled as she shook her head in quiet judgment. "Sorry, Clarke. Classified information. Grounders only."
"Not good enough. I need to know."
"I'm sworn to secrecy," Octavia replied as she stood and slid her knife into the holster at her hip. "You'll have to wait until she returns later today."
"She can't just disappear in the middle of a journey. We're all stuck wasting a day of mild weather so she can just gallivant off to god knows where. It's not ok. And people are getting mad." So that was a stretch. Most the remaining Grounders seemed to enjoy the respite from travel.
"You are literally the only person here who cares that we've stopped. Why don't you go hang out with the others? Let the Grounders be Grounders. We gotta do what we gotta do."
Things with Octavia had been tense since the missile incident, but Clarke had felt they were making progress. Now she wasn't so sure. Suddenly Lincoln appeared behind Octavia. He placed his hand on the small of her back and gave a silent nod. Octavia returned the gesture before giving Clarke her attention again. "We need to go, but we'll be back later. With Heda. You should just busy yourself with something until then. You could use the practice with your sword. You're actually a liability out here with us. Keeping you alive is just more work."
Clarke ignored the mocking nature of Octavia's words. "I'm coming with you."
"You can't," Lincoln replied. He crossed his arms across his broad chest. The effect of the move made him look even bigger next to Octavia.
Clarke refused to be intimidated by either of them. "There's nothing you can do unless you want to hurt me. I'll just follow you if you try to make me stay."
"The Commander forbade it." It was Octavia who spoke now. "She could execute me for disobeying a direct order. Not that you really care about that." That hurt; Clarke did care—more than Octavia even knew. "If you try to follow I will be forced to injure you bad enough to keep you here."
Clarke paused, her mind searching for a solution. She wasn't really sure if Octavia would actually do something to hurt her, but it didn't seem worth the risk. After almost getting her killed, Clarke decided not to test their shaky relationship more than necessary. "The Commander would not take kindly to you hurting me," Clarke finally offered. "She values my alliance."
"Is that what you're calling it these days?" Octavia smirked before rolling her eyes.
Clarke ignored the jibe and continued her thought. "Besides, did she say I, specifically, was not to follow?"
"Yes. She said only the scouts and her personal guards were to be alerted."
Clarke pressed further. "Yes, but did she mention me by name?"
"I know what you're doing, Clarke and it's stupid. A real easy way to get me killed."
"She wouldn't kill you," Clarke promised. Hopefully. "She'll be upset with me, but I'll leave you out of it. I'll say I followed you. Just please let me come. I really don't want to fight you on this."
"If we fought, I'd win."
"And then your Heda would kill you." Clarke smirked knowing she'd won this time. Octavia really didn't have a choice in the matter. One great thing about Lexa's feelings for her was that Clarke was now free to pretty much do as she pleased.
Lincoln t'sked before looking to Octavia. He muttered something in Trigedasleng that Clarke couldn't understand. Octavia pondered for a moment and then replied in the same language. Clarke watched the exchange as she silently cursed herself for not working harder to learn the language. Finally, Octavia turned back to her. "Fine. We'll escort you to our spot just outside the village where we'll be scouting. You can do what you want from there. But we are going to deny knowing you followed. And if you get me killed I'm going to haunt your ass until you die. And then I'll spend all eternity kicking it."
Clarke nodded her agreement. Lincoln and Octavia gave one last sympathetic look at each other before turning and lead the way. Clarke followed a few paces behind as they led her out and away from camp. The tedious task of remaining upright in the dense forest kept Clarke's mind busy. It wasn't until a half hour later when the group neared a small quiet village that Clarke felt her stomach clench with familiar nerves. Since they met Clarke always found herself nervous around the Commander. The kiss they had shared changed everything. Now Clarke's stomach clenched with both excitement and the cold dread that set her mind worrying. She wondered if she'd ever stop worrying.
"Thank you," Clarke expressed to her friends when they stopped dead in their tracks on the outskirts of the village. Lincoln's eyes found Clarke's. He gave her a curt nod before turning away and readying himself as a scout.
"Try not to get us killed," Octavia mocked with a sly grin. "And maybe unbutton your jacket some. I'm sure she'll be more receptive to your disobedience if she has something to distract her."
Clarke ducked her head to hide a crimson blush. When she looked back up, Lincoln and Octavia were back to gazing at each other, some unspoken conversation happening in their eyes. Clarke sighed before trudging past the couple. She made her way slowly down the hill, paying special attention to the overgrown tree trunks littering the ground. The last thing she needed was to fall and injure herself on a stealth mission. Plus, Octavia would never let her live it down. Clarke had more pride than to allow her eagerness to get the better of her.
When she finally landed on the soft ground at the bottom of the ravine, Clarke moved parallel to the tree line, remaining hidden. She watched as a few Grounders made their way around the village. Some carried large tree trunks on their backs, others baskets overflowing with fruits and berries. Clarke was disappointed to find the village so empty and quiet. She'd hoped the arrival of the Commander would have the villagers in a frenzy. She was surprised to find that everything was business as usual.
When Clarke made it past the tallest hut she finally found it. Indra and one of the Commander's other regular guards stood watch outside a respectable sized hut on the opposite side of the dirt road leading through the village. Clarke smiled in spite of herself, and prepared a plan.
Deciding it best to remain unseen a little longer, at least until she knew what Lexa was up to, Clarke continued to scurry through the tree line. She followed the forest out and around the village, making sure to be as quiet as possible. Last thing she needed was to alert a less friendly scout and be impaled by a spear before finding out what Lexa was up to. When Clarke finally made it to the other side, she flipped up her hood and jogged down to back of the hut. Pressing her body against the cool wood, Clarke bent her head and tried to catch some of what was happening inside.
Footsteps on the side of the hut pulled Clarke away for a moment. She slipped her hand under the cloak and pulled it closed tightly, thanking the heavens that Lexa had let her keep it when they returned to camp. A woman with an imposing neck tattoo walked by carrying an empty basket, but paid no mind to Clarke. The whoosh of breath Clarke hadn't realized she was holding fell from her lips as soon as the woman was out of hearing range. Clarke steadied her shaking hands before pressing her ear back to the wall.
Inside Clarke could make out at least four distinct voices. They were loud and boisterous, seemingly higher in frequency than Clarke was used to hearing on Grounders. Her curiosity sparked so Clarke pressed further against the frame. Crack! Under her foot, a branch snapped in two. Clarke stood upright, her hand instinctively finding the gun in her back pocket. When no one immediately came running at her, Clarke relaxed again. Her hand fell back to her side and she resumed her espionage.
Clarke focused hard, but could not make out any words. She was just about to give up and find a new plan, when she felt the cold, hard kiss of a blade at her neck. Indra's voice caressed her ear with a mess of Trigedasleng. Clarke knew Indra would take pleasure in killing her. The realization that she may have found her chance settled like a storm in Clarke's bones. Suddenly, Indra ripped the hood from Clarke's head. When the mess of blonde tresses fell out, Indra stepped back, but kept the knife at Clarke's throat. Indra spat something in a tone that let Clarke know just how much she hated her before forcefully pushing Clarke around the corner of the hut.
Indra held Clarke's arm behind her back and pushed. When they entered Indra kicked Clarke in the legs so she fell to her knees. The knife stayed firmly in place. "Heda," Indra said. "I found this snooping around back. She's armed."
Clarke looked up from the ground. What she found surprised her. The hut appeared to be a school, complete with rows of small wooden desks. Lexa sat on the ground at the front of the room encircled by a handful of small children. The Commander was dressed in full war garments, her face painted in thick black; she looked out of place in such an informal setting.
"Clarke," Lexa deadpanned, not entirely surprised to find Clarke had trailed her. "Indra, let her go." The knife left Clarke's throat and she stood. Their eyes locked and Clarke waited. The kids around Lexa fell silent, as they waited to see how their Commander would respond to the intruder. "Well since you're here, it would be unkind not to introduce you to my youngest warriors. Children, this is Clarke of the Sky People. Her alliance in this war was instrumental in our success."
The children peered at Clarke through thick lashes and furrowed brows. No doubt they had heard of her. The oldest of the group, a boy of about nine, glared at Clarke with a gaze that could rival even the Commander's. Clarke fidgeted, a little uncomfortable around all the prying looks. "Clarke," Lexa continued. "These are the future warriors kom tri kru. They have all lost one or both parents in the war at Mount Weather. I've come to pay my respects."
The pieces clicked into place. Clarke smiled. The realization that Lexa, big badass Commander Lexa, would halt all travel to an important gathering in favor of spending time with a bunch of kids was enough to send Clarke's head spinning. She felt dizzy; her heart fluttered.
Lexa must have sensed the change in Clarke's demeanor for she smiled her closed-mouth, tight-lipped one in reply. "Come Clarke, join us."
Clarke approached the group slowly. The kids hesitated as she neared, but Lexa's gentle reassurance appeased them. Clarke smiled at each child, making sure to look them in the eyes. They did not smile in return, but Clarke wasn't naïve enough to be insulted by their brash nature. When she looked back to Lexa she found the Commander waving Indra away. "Do you have any questions for Clarke?" she asked the kids. "I'm sure she'd love to share with you."
Clarke sat down across from Lexa, in between the oldest boy and a very small girl. It was that little girl that spoke first. "What is it like in the sky?" she inquired, her excitement bubbling through her small frame. She fidgeted in her spot and waited for Clarke to answer.
"The view from our windows was beautiful," Clarke replied honestly. "The world is so blue from up there. And it's huge. But living in a ship is not nearly as fun as being down here. The air isn't as crisp or clean. There are no animals. We couldn't run or explore. I much prefer it here."
The little girl nodded excitedly before scurrying into Clarke's lap. Clarke smiled, holding the girl close and looked to Lexa. The Commander grinned in the same way Clarke had seen at the clearing after the snowfall. Her heart hammered against her ribs.
They stayed in the hut for well over an hour longer. Clarke answered question after question about her home in the sky. By the end that children, even the eldest boy, were sad to see her leave. Truthfully, Clarke was also a little sad to go. Despite the harsh conditions of their lives, the kids were so joyous, They laughed and played like they knew no loss. It gave Clarke hope for herself. Maybe one day she'd be able to find the pleasure of life again.
Lexa said her goodbyes to each child in Trigedasleng. Her tone serious and stern. Clarke wondered what piece of wisdom Lexa offered them, she wondered if Lexa's words could ever begin to heal the pain in their hearts. Mostly, Clarke wondered if the Commander could ever say something to give her some of that hope. The last to leave was the little girl that sat in Clarke's lap. She listened intently to Lexa's words even as her eyes welled up with unshed tears. Lexa patted the girl's head of black curls and bent low. Clarke watched as the Commander pulled the little one to her chest in a hug. They stayed that way for a long moment. When Lexa broke the contact the girl smiled again. This time Lexa returned the look sincerely. Appeased, the girl skipped away after the others.
They were alone now. The hut was silent as Lexa observed Clarke. Neither moved. It was Clarke who spoke first. "Do you do that often?"
"Every village we pass," Lexa answered. "Sometimes there is only one child. Sometimes many more than the group today." She spoke so matter-of-factly, as if what she had done was just another day of work. Clarke sensed the gravity of it though. She wasn't an expert on Grounder culture, but what Lexa had done—was doing—was different. She knew it. Everyone knew it. That's why it was sworn to secrecy. Lexa couldn't have her clan perceiving her weak.
"You're amazing." The words escaped before Clarke could swallow them down. Her eyes widened and a blush spread out upon her cheeks. Lexa tried to remain unphased, but a small grin pulled her lips up. Her green eyes sparkled making Clarke look away out of necessity. Sometimes Lexa's gaze was too much to handle. "I meant...you're a great leader for your people," Clarke reiterated.
"Thank you, Clarke of the Sky People."
The formality always made Clarke feel out of place. She wondered if she'd ever become accustomed to her title. Sometimes her whole life on Earth seemed so surreal. It was like a nightmare she couldn't escape. But moments like this one, and the time in the clearing, had Clarke pondering if she was living a nightmare or not. Finn's face flashed through her mind suddenly, sucking the life from the moment. The air changed and Clarke looked away from Lexa.
Sensing the shift, Lexa gathered her wits and returned to Commander mode. "Come Clarke. We must return to camp before the rain comes. Tomorrow's travels will be slow due to ice. We must prepare." Clarke nodded and followed silently.
Lexa's guard led the way back to camp with Lexa and Clarke trailing far enough behind to be unheard. At the rear Clarke knew Lincoln and Octavia followed, somewhere too far back to be bothersome. The rare quiet from being alone gave Clarke the motivation to breach the subject she had gone out of her way to find answers to in the first place.
"Just because you did something really sweet today doesn't mean I'm not upset with you for ignoring me these past few days."
"I don't know what you're talking about," Lexa replied without even bothering to give Clarke the benefit of a look her way.
"Yes you do. And I want you to know that it's not ok. You can't just walk away and barricade your feelings every time you don't want to feel them."
Lexa stopped abruptly, her hand clutching Clarke's wrist to pull her to a standstill as well. Their eyes met. "Don't use my feelings against me, Clarke," Lexa hissed. Anger flashed like lightening in the storms of Lexa's irises. Clarke hated this look. She hated the way her instincts told her to prepare for a fight, but her body told her something so different. The wet heat pooling between her legs countered the buzzing electricity where Lexa's hand touched Clarke. Even through her layers, Clarke's wrist was on fire.
"Then don't use me," she replied with just as much venom as Lexa had dished out. "Don't go out of your way to make me happy only to snap the doors closed in my face the minute I'm inconvenient for you."
Lexa softened and stepped back. "You're right. I'm sorry, Clarke. You are not inconvenient though." The apology was laced in a sincerity that caught Clarke off guard. Lexa's gentleness around her never failed to surprise Clarke. A memory flooded Clarke's mind, drowning out all rational thought. The last time Lexa had been so gentle ended in a kiss. Clarke wondered what it would be like to do it again. Would Lexa be as gentle this time? Or would she kiss Clarke the way Lincoln kissed Octavia? She suddenly needed the answers.
Clarke stepped forward, her face now close enough to taste the small gasp that fell from Lexa's throat. Clarke wanted desperately to taste Lexa again. Her body ached for it. Her heart raced and her lips were so dry. Clarke's tongue slid out to wet them. Lexa watched the action and found herself mirroring the action. When their eyes met again, Clarke leaned closer. She could feel the warmth of Lexa's lips only a breath away. It made her thirsty. Clarke tipped forward, but stopped suddenly. Her lips only grazing Lexa's before pulling back completely. Clarke's head whipped to the right so quickly it startled Lexa enough to reach for her sword. When Lexa looked to the spot Clarke had found she saw nothing.
Clarke felt the heat drain from her face. She'd seen him. And this time he wasn't helping her burn his own body or solve any of her issues. This time he was tied to that pillar. Her knife stuck out from the pool of blood on his shirt. His eyes open and full of hatred. Clarke gasped and stumbled back, tripping over a rock and falling to ground.
"Clarke!" Lexa exclaimed as she hurried to pull Clarke back to her feet. "Are you hurt? What's wrong?"
Clarke looked back at the spot, but he was gone now. She took a deep breath, calming herself before looking back to Lexa. The concern painting Lexa's face relaxed Clarke enough to gather her thoughts. "You're safe," Lexa whispered, taking Clarke's hand in her own. "There's nothing here."
Clarke nodded. Lexa waited patiently for the color to return to Clarke's cheeks. The soothing motion of Lexa's thumb rubbing circles over her index finger settled the storm brewing inside Clarke. "We should go," Lexa whispered when Clarke gave Lexa's hand a reassuring squeeze. "The scouts will catch up soon."
Clarke agreed silently, allowing Lexa to lead her away from the spot. She glanced back one more time, but Finn was no where to be seen. Clarke focused her eyes on Lexa as they slowly made their way back to the camp. She didn't let go of the Commander's warm hand in her own until they saw the first tent. Lexa gave Clarke one last concerned look before following her back to the confines of their shared responsibility.
