It's seven in the evening. Two hours since I told Tim, and the pair of us are in his car, driving across town. I'm feeling a little queasy and half of my brain is wondering if it's because of my predicament as Ma would call it, or whether it's just that I'm a little scared what Tim's gonna do when he comes face to face with Ryan. But it's too late to do anything about that now because we're parking outside Ryan's house and Tim's already halfway up the path. So by the time I'm stepping through the gate he's knocking on the front door, loud and impatient.
"Tim." Ryan's eyes flit between Tim and me, then back to my brother, as he pulls the door open and sees us both on the step, a flicker of fear momentarily clouding his features before he composes himself again. He should be scared too. Tim may well be what his parole officer labels as 'reformed' but he's still the toughest person I've ever met and I'd say that even if he wasn't my brother. He ain't someone you want to make angry. You just have to look at him to know he's not someone to mess with unless you got some kind of death wish, especially if he's in the kind of mood my news had put him in.
"Three of us need to talk."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah, so you either ask us in, or we do it here on the street, let all the neighbours know what a lowlife scumbag you are."
"Doubt you'd want to do that, Shepard, being as that'd just confirm to them how easy your sister really is."
And I can't pretend it don't hurt to see the smirk on Ryan's face when he says it, even if I try to convince myself he's only saying it so he don't look weak in front of Tim.
Tim don't say nothing yet. Just moves, smooth and fluid, before Ryan has a chance to realise what he's doing. So before he knows it, my brother's got him round the throat pinned back against the wall.
"You say one more bad thing about her and it will be my great pleasure to show you exactly what I think about you having been anywhere near my sister," Tim's voice is low and he don't rush the words but it only makes them sound harder, colder. It's a few seconds later before he relaxes his hold on Ryan a little as he continues to speak, "Only we got things that need fixing and as you got her in this mess then you sure as hell are gonna get her out of it."
"Really? Are you a hundred percent sure it's my problem?" Ryan adds, sneering a little as he tries and fails to match Tim's tone.
Tim sucker punches him in the face, the blood pouring from Ryan's nose as Tim bundles him back into the house. "I'm gonna pretend that you didn't say that. Get the hell inside and let's get this sorted."
Ten minutes later we're sat at the kitchen table. Ryan's nose has finally stopped bleeding and I'm sat beside him. Tim's still on his feet, leaning back against the counter as he stares at the pair of us and it's like being in some freakish nightmare version of the head teacher's office as he glares over at us disapprovingly in between asking Ryan a whole load of questions. I'm kind of surprised at how Tim talks down to Ryan because I always thought they were friends, only I suppose that ain't exactly the case no more, and I get the feeling that it ain't just because of this business with me either. There's no one else in the house and I know there ain't gonna be, because his folks are at his grandma's and before all this we were planning on spending the night there together, or at least some of it, so I guess Tim will keep talking at him 'til things get settled one way or another.
"So what are you aiming to do about the mess you've got my sister in?" Tim demands, "You been seeing other girls, or just her?"
"Just her."
Its unsettling the way they talk, like I'm not actually sat right here in the room in front of them, but I know better than to interrupt. Tim said he'd handle it so I know I just gotta do what he's told me, to sit there and keep my mouth shut unless he asks me anything. So I listen, to their voices and to the clock ticking behind Tim as I watch the minutes slide by.
"Well guess that's something. You actually like her? Wanna keep seeing her?"
Ryan takes a sideways look at me, his knee touches mine under the table and I smile a tiny bit. "Yeah, I like her."
"She's sixteen, still in school."
"So? Even you must know she wasn't exactly no innocent before we hooked up, and it's only a couple years, ain't no big deal."
"No big deal? Since when is having a kid no big deal?"
"That ain't what I meant."
"So what you planning to do about it?"
"What you want me to do?" Ryan asks, finally looking at me properly, and it takes me by surprise that he's asking me, not Tim.
"We could get married," I offer, not able to look at either him or my brother, and it strikes me how ridiculous I sound, like some stupid kid looking for a happy ending.
"Yeah, okay."
I'm shocked by his answer and how easy it seems to be to get what I want out of this all. Maybe he really does like me. Or maybe he's just real scared of what Tim will do to him if he says no. But whatever the reason, maybe I shouldn't really be all that surprised he's agreed, being as generally things work out the way Tim says.
xxxxxx
It's twelve days since I went to see Tim, and at just after eleven o'clock on a wet Wednesday morning I'm officially no longer Angela Shepard, I'm Mrs Lang, and that just sounds weird, 'cause it sounds like I'm talking about his mother.
I'm standing next to Ryan, he's wearing a suit and the bruises are nearly gone from his face now. I'm wearing a borrowed dress, it's baby blue, a little short, but it kind of looks good on me. Tim's girl sorted it for me to borrow from her friend Sylvia, because I ain't got nothing real smart of my own and none of her things would have fitted me. But Sylvia's almost as tall as me and we're near enough the same size. It ain't a proper wedding dress, but it's prettier than anything I've got and knowing I look nice makes me feel a little bit special even though there ain't hardly anyone here to see me.
Tim's here at the courthouse, although I get the feeling he only came to make sure Ryan went through with it, as he stands there watching but not smiling, next to Curly and Ma.
Ma's been spending every waking minute trying to make me feel bad ever since Tim took me back there and made me tell her everything last weekend. Although I guess she must have forgotten that she ain't exactly no better 'cause I've seen her marriage certificate in the box under her bed, and her and the old man didn't get married 'til barely a couple months before Tim was born.
Ryan's mom and dad are there too. His old man don't seem that keen on me, just seems to stare at me whenever we've been there in the house, like he thinks I'm gonna steal stuff or something. But his mom's been friendly enough since I seen the doctor last Monday and they said it's likely I got it right, and they're letting us live there with them for now, 'til we get sorted with someplace of our own, which is a relief. I reckon Ryan would have left the state if we'd ended up staying at my Ma's place and there ain't no way on this earth that Tim would have had us live with him.
There ain't gonna be no party or nothing. Tim leaving to go back to work already, Curly's driving Ma home and Ryan's parents are going back to their place. So we're across the street in the diner having our first meal as husband and wife. He's got some cheeseburger, the full works, but I just got a 7-up and fries, and I can't even really stomach them right now. It sure ain't romantic but I tell myself that at least it's better than being lectured at by nuns in some girls home, and I think to myself that maybe I can try to do a better job at this family thing than Ma ever did.
xxxxxx
It hasn't even been two weeks yet and already I've come to the conclusion that married life ain't all it's cracked up to be.
I think I got it wrong when I said Ryan's old man don't like me, because sometimes it feels like he likes me a bit too much. Like when he's sat there in the evening after he gets home from work watching me doing the dishes or tidying the kitchen, or else finding some excuse to squeeze past me which always involves him ending up with his hand on my ass. He don't do it when Ryan or his Ma are around though, and it's starting to creep me out a little, but there ain't no point saying nothing, because really, who the hell is gonna believe me?
Ryan's fun and good-looking and when he's home we mostly get along okay and I guess it's normal for couples to fight some, if what I seen back at home is anything to go by anyways. But the trouble is he ain't never hardly home. Instead I seem to spend my days doing laundry or cooking or cleaning now I dropped out of school, while he goes and works with his old man. Or in the evenings he's out doing whatever the hell business it is he's mixed up in, and he don't hardly ever take me out with him, even though there ain't no reason for us not to do stuff together now we're married and all. I don't mind that I'm doing the chores, 'cause they're letting us live there, and I'm kind of used to doing it anyways, used to looking after myself, being as Ma ain't done nothing like that at home for years. Only it's frustrating because Ryan don't seem all that motivated to start to look for a place of our own and when I try to talk to him about it he just snaps at me, tells me I don't understand how busy he is, and that he don't want to come home to me nagging him every damn night of the week. But when I snap back at him and tell him maybe I made a mistake and perhaps he'd prefer it if I left, then he's all apologies, kissing me and telling me he's sorry and he loves me and he will sort it out only I gotta give him time, and before long we end up in bed again.
But I still don't get no proper answers to my questions. So I can only do what he asks and wait. I give him more time because, honestly, I don't want to have to go back to Tim and tell him I made another giant mistake, especially not so soon, and it ain't like it's just me I got to think about now. I'll do whatever the hell I have to, to make sure my baby has a real family.
xxxxxx
Two weeks and three days. Who knew that my marriage wouldn't even last three weeks?
I've been feeling real unwell for the last couple of days, so that's why I'm here, curled up in a ball with the covers over my head and not wanting to see anyone, in the spare room at Tim's place. Because now I know for sure I ain't gonna be a mother anytime soon after all. Only when I told Ryan this morning he just didn't seem to give a damn either way, didn't even ask me how I was feeling or if I was okay, just carried on doing what he was doing like I was talking about the weather or something. So as soon as he left I just grabbed a couple of things and ran out the door.
It's four hours now since I made it back to Tim's place. Three and a half hours after he arrived back home and found me there. I thought he would be home being as it's Saturday, but I guess he was working some extra this morning as the house was all locked up when I got here.
Tim hadn't known what to say to me when I'd stood there crying and talking nonsense in front of him after he found me sitting on the front step. Instead he just hugged me, asked me when I'd last slept before making me come lie down. I suppose I must have dozed a little because when I wake up there's a glass of water, some Aspirins and a candy bar on the dresser next to me, and for a couple of seconds I smile before I remember why I'm there.
The door is open a little and I guess he thinks I'm sleeping because I can hear him talking about me and explaining what's happened and she's being real good about me being there. I hear the concern in Tim's voice as he asks her all sorts of questions, like he thinks she's got all the answers and it's weird, almost frightening, hearing him like that 'cause I always just assumed he had the answer to everything.
"You think she'll be okay?"
"Yeah, but you got to give her some time, don't be too hard on her. Is she going to go back to him?"
"Hope not. He sure as hell don't deserve her if he can't look after her properly." And I'm inclined to agree with him. Ryan didn't do nothing to make me feel any better these past few days since I first starting feeling unwell, nothing to help, just wasn't interested. "Will you speak to her later, see if there's anything she needs, you know? I don't know, maybe she might want to talk to a girl, and Lord knows she can't expect any help from Ma."
"Yeah, course," she says and I know I'll try my best to open up a little to her 'cause Tim wants her to help me and I don't want to disappoint him again.
"Maybe I should have told her no, not let her marry him, sorted it some other way. I never really trusted Lang in all the years I known him." It surprises me how tired he sounds when he says this, how worn down he seems.
"Tim, it ain't your fault, you done what you thought was best by her, it was what she wanted too, and it's not all your responsibility, you can't always make people do the right thing."
"You think it's for the best? Even though it's so fucking shit for her right now?" My brother asks.
There's a pause before she speaks, so I guess she's thinking about it. "Maybe. Maybe it's best that it happened like this and for her to find out he's a jerk now rather than have him run out on her later and leave her struggling on her own to raise a kid. Guess it gives her a second chance. Whatever happens though at least she knows she's got family to turn to and that someone gives a damn what happens to her."
I frown for a minute, thinking that she don't have a clue how fucked up things are in our family, that she maybe has no idea how bad things really are with our Ma, who just seems to believe we're there to make her life worse. But then I realise she don't mean Ma, she means Tim. Because at least me and Curly are lucky enough to have him there looking out for us, whereas he ain't never had no one else to do that for him. Hell, he even tries to take care of Ma too despite the way she treats him - I know he still helps her out when Harry's pissed away all his wages in some bar. He don't give Ma the cash, guess he's worried she'll just give it to Harry, but near enough every time he calls by Tim takes some bill or other from the house and pays it off when he's next in town or else he gives me or Curly money for buying food, yet all the time Ma's still bitching at him over nothing because whatever he does is never gonna be good enough for her. I don't know, maybe now is the time I ought to sort myself out and change some before I end up making exactly the same bad decisions in life as my mother did.
Slipping out from under the covers I pull on my clothes and quietly cross the hall. They're stood by the front door now and Tim is kissing her goodbye as he reminds her to call in at the pharmacy, and to not forget to pick up more Aspirins, and not to be gone too long, while she smiles and hugs him real quick before she takes his car keys from his hand and ducks out the front door. Seeing them together I wonder if maybe they're what it should be like, not like me and Ryan or Ma and Harry with all the shouting and fighting and bitching at each other.
I guess people probably think it's weird that out of all of us Tim might actually be good at this, that someone like Tim Shepard can hold down a job and a relationship or care about someone other than himself. But maybe it's not that strange if you really think about it, because I guess he's always wanted more out of life than what we had at home and he's always been determined enough, focused enough, to get what he wants.
Crossing the room, he flicks on the television before sitting on the sofa. There's some sports on but he don't really seem like he's watching. I move a little, and Tim looks around as the floorboards creak beneath my feet and he smiles at me.
"Hey, kid, you wanna come join me?"
He pats the sofa next to him and I nod, curling into his side, like I did all them years ago when I was little, before he was always out and before I started thinking it was dumb wanting to spend any of my time with my brother, as he drops his arm around me.
"You sleep some?"
I nod, knowing now what I want to say to him, "I'm sorry, really I am, Tim." My voice is whispery.
"Ain't your fault he's a fucking asshole," he mutters, and we sit there in silence for a time, while I look at him from the corner of my eye and I try to find the right words.
"Will you, can you help me? I know I screwed up bad but I'll go back to school. I'll go back and live with Ma, only just don't make me go back to him." I ain't exactly looking forward to all the gossiping and whispering there's gonna be about me in school, but I've always been pretty good at pretending shit like that don't bother me and I know I'll be able to handle it, put on that front and act exactly like they'll all expect me to, swearing and laughing like it's all a big joke, not let on to anyone there how I really feel about it all. And even going back to live with Ma has got to be better than being stuck with someone who don't really love me.
Tim don't say nothing, just sits looking at me, like he don't know what to say, and I can't take the quiet no more.
"Don't send me back there, please?"
He looks at me, sighs a little, before he answers, "Yeah, I'll help you, Angela. I've never let you down yet have I?"
A/N: Well, thank you so much to anyone who's read to the end. I hope you enjoyed it, it's been interesting trying to write this, and I hope it's a believable interpretation of the events? As always I'd love to know your opinions on whether it worked or not :)
