Disclaimer: I don't own The Hills Have Eyes.

Thanks so much to Berry's Ambitions, Little Pink Neko, and Guest for their reviews for the last chapter. I know I haven't updated this fic in a while, but inspiration strikes at the oddest times! And this chapter is super-long, so maybe that'll make up for it. This chapter is taken from the concept of the mine mutants being peaceful and the military trying to make amends for what happened to them by bringing them rations and whatnot. Anyway, I really hope that y'all enjoy this fic of mine. I would love it if y'all would review and whatnot! Thanks so much for reading!


The Magnificent Misadventures of Crank and Delmar
002. Crank and Delmar and the Labyrinth


"Why does it have to be so fucking hot?"

Delmar looked over at Crank, cocking a brow and fighting a laugh that was starting to bubble in his chest. "We're in New Mexico, man. What did you think it was going to be like?"

Crank adjusted the backpack on his shoulders. The weight of it was familiar but not pleasant at all. It brought back bad memories to his training camp days. He shuddered, despite the heat of the sun beaming down on them.

"Can't these guys go to the store by themselves? What about the gas station way back with the crazy fucker?"

"They utilize that when they can, but there's a lot of them, Crank." Delmar shrugged his shoulders to help manage the stacks of boxes in his arms.

Crank wanted to protest, but Delmar had a point. Sighing, he tried to scratch his arm while he held his own set of boxes, but to no avail. Frustrated, he began to rub his arm along the edge of the box like an aggravated child with chickenpox told not to claw at himself.

"You're going to end up - "

A horrid crash broke the relative silence of the desert around them.

" - dropping something."

"Motherfucking bitch in heat! What in the flip-flopping shit did I do to deserve this fucking ass dumb shit! Damn it all to the depths of hell - "

Delmar just stared at his best friend, warring with laughing at his friend's unfortunate - and downright odd - choice of curse words. The food that had been in the box on top of the one Crank was using to relieve his itch was now spilling out of the top of the box, which had been taped shut at one point or another. Countless tinned items and other army ration types of food were littering the floor.

"Fucking shit - "

As Crank continued his tirade, Delmar tiredly bent over and started to scoop up the rations and place them back into the box. "If curse words were hands, we would have all of this picked up by now."

"The fuck, 'mar? Did you just...well, hell, I don't know what you just said."

Delmar placed the last can into the box and then tried to press the tape back over the gaping top of it. It worked, but only slightly. The cardboard bucked in odd places and one corner was dented in, but it would have to do. Not to mention all of the sand -

"I suppose they sent you two this time?"

Delmar and Crank both jumped and turned to the sound of the voice. They hadn't heard anyone approach them, which unnerved them to no end. It took Delmar a while, but eventually he was able to make out the source of the voice.

"Hey, Chameleon."

Chameleon waved a thin, bony hand in greeting and stepped away from the craggy side of the hill; the whole action looked as if the rock itself was coming to life. One of the more civil mutants, Chameleon was a fixture when any of the soldiers arrived at the mines, greeting them at the entrance and leading them into the depths of their labyrinthine home.

The mutant eyed the dented box as Delmar picked it up and placed it on top of the ones that Crank already carried.

"I guess you could say we brought you some sandwiches," Crank commented.

Delmar looked at Crank, then focused his gaze on Chameleon. "Kill me. Kill me now."

Chameleon blinked and then gave a slight laugh before heading into the mines. Delmar and Crank followed, but Delmar still wanted to be murdered. Crank's puns were amongst the worst things he'd ever had the displeasure to hear, and here he was -

"Hey, 'mar, you think that guy's tongue is like a chameleon's?"

"I don't know, Crank, why don't you kiss him and find out?"

Crank spluttered for exactly fifteen minutes, searching for words to accurately describe his...emotions or whatever, and nearly dropped the box again in the process. Delmar made no attempt to hide his amusement, and he walked with a spring in his step behind the mutant.

"This way," Chameleon commented, taking them around a corner that opened up into a wider passageway.

Crank sighed as he felt the sweat trickle down the back of his neck. Then, a strange thought occurred to him, one that he couldn't believe he hadn't realized before. "Uh...Chameleon. Where's your father?"

There was a pause, as if the mutant was wondering whether or not to disclose this particular bit of information. Crank supposed he decided against keeping secrets, because eventually Chameleon replied with, "He lost one of those...gummy bears you brought for us last time. Has been locked up in his room searching for it ever since."

Delmar blinked; Crank snorted.

"It was a red one," Chameleon mused solemnly. "His favorite."

As if on cue, a bellowing, "Where the fuck is it?!" resounded throughout the mines.

At that point, containing their laughter was out of the question.

As they tried to quiet their snickers, Chameleon rounded the corner to a small-ish door, made out of wood that looked older than all three of them combined. He reached out a hand and opened the door, revealing just a few rations left.

"Man, I didn't realize how low you guys were," Delmar commented.

Chameleon shrugged, unperturbed. "We make due."

Crank flopped the stacks of rations on the floor. Delmar followed, less violently smashing his boxes atop of Crank's.

"Let's go get the rest - "

"Chameleon!" a very feminine shriek sounded from the mines. Crank and Delmar turned to face the direction from where it was coming. The both of them squinted in the darkness, trying to make out the figure as it ran towards them. Bit by bit, details emerged. Slim, dainty, female, with few mutations to speak of.

"Yes, Suzie?" Chameleon asked, almost dryly.

"We have an issue," the mutant named Suzie said, her voice succinct and airy, but panicked at the same time. "Hades is stuck underneath the bed."

Chameleon gave a very dignified snort. "What?"

The thin girl started waving her arms about. "He was looking for the godforsaken gummy bear and then - "

"He got stuck underneath the bed," Chameleon repeated, incredulous, still trying to wrap his head around it. Crank started laughing despite himself.

With a slight turn of his head, Chameleon addressed the two of them, "I need to deal with my father. I trust you know your way around the place."

"Wai - "

But before Delmar could finish his protest, Chameleon was gone, slithering around the rocks like a man possessed, Suzie trailing behind him almost timidly.

Quiet settled around the two of them.

"Well, shit," Crank said crudely. "What do we do now?"

"Go back to the truck. Finish unloading everything." Delmar ran a hand over his hair. "Then get out of here before Hades has more issues."

"Well, then, let's stop standing here playing with our dicks and get moving."

Delmar sighed at his best friend's overt crassness. "Your life is just one giant dick joke, isn't it?"

"Your face is one."

Not even dignifying that with a response, Delmar started walking.

Crank, stumbling over himself to catch up, followed.

Delmar tried to remember the way from which they came. But, honestly, all of the walls looked the damn same, and the whole place echoed. So when they tried to find a voice to follow, they just ended up going in circles. But then again, Delmar wouldn't put it past the residents of the mines to make noise and then quickly go somewhere else, effectively confusing the two soldiers. It was known that several of the mine mutants - Gretel and Letch, in particular - were known pranksters. Who knew who else would join in if provided the opportunity?

"Do you even know where the fuck we're going, bro?" Crank asked.

Delmar was quiet, raising a hand to silence the louder of the two of them. "Shh."

"What? Are the walls speaking to you, Ghost Whisperer?"

"That makes no damn sense, Crank," Delmar said, showing an uncharacteristic lack of patience. "Are you dehydrated?"

"No, not at - ARGH DAMN IT FUCK SHIT ASS!" The crashing sound that accompanied the curse words seemed very slapstick in its intensity. Delmar turned around and saw that Crank was currently facedown on the floor, twitching. It was enough to put a large grin on Delmar's face.

"Uh oh."

That voice was neither Crank's nor Delmar's.

Crank shot up and threw himself at Delmar, Scooby Doo style. "The fuck was that?"

Delmar tried to make out the person in the darkness, but only saw a pair of eyes that were peering up at him. As his own eyes adjusted, Delmar saw that the thing - things? - Crank tripped over was, in fact, someone else's legs. They were sprawled out in the corridor, almost childlike, and the person attached to them looked exactly like that.

"You...fall. Sorry." He blinked at them, and then continued playing with his blocks.

Wait...blocks?

"The shit's up with the blocks?"

"Suzie left. Was playin'."

Crank and Delmar blinked, unsure of how to respond. Was it just them, or were the mines just one giant clusterfuck of random shit?

"Hansel?" Delmar tried to squint at him through the darkness. "That you?"

"Yes, Delma'."

Crank snickered. "Delma."

The mutant now revealed as Hansel offered Crank one of his blocks. It was chipped and the paint was coming off of it, but it didn't make the mutant look at it as if it were any less important.

"Who the hell plays with blocks?"

"Prank...Blair. She trip over."

Crank and Delmar snickered at that, remembering the first time they had seen Blair. They had heard things about her. If they were Hansel and Suzie, they'd sure as hell be pranking her as well.

"Do you know how to get out of here?" Delmar finally asked.

Hansel looked at him for a moment before pointing down a corridor. "That way."

Crank followed Hansel's finger and saw what seemed to be the mouth of hell staring back at him. Blinking, he turned and then met Delmar's gaze. "Well, shit, that's terrifying."

"No choice, man," Delmar patted Crank on the shoulder, leading him away from the mutant. "Thanks, Hansel. And Crank's sorry for tripping all over you."

Hansel gave an innocent smile, nodded, and went back to playing with his blocks.

Delmar thought Hansel had actually given them some directions that were appropriate, that were actually going to lead them out of this place, but then they came to a particular opening that divided off into three separate tunnels.

Crank blinked. "This - "

Delmar held out a hand, effectively stopping whatever profanity was about to come out of his friend's mouth. "I think you've filled your cursing quota for the day."

"Fuck that, 'mar. We are going to die up in this bitch. They're all going to be like, where the hell did those two awesome soldiers go? And no one will fucking know! Because we'd be dead! Dead! D-e-a-d."

"...are you sure you're not dehydrated?"

Crank then broke off into a series of curse words.

"Hey."

Again, that voice did not belong to either of them.

Feeling the creeping dread that was almost commonplace with facing someone like Blair, the two of them turned around in unison. It would have been comical if it wasn't so pants-shittingly terrifying.

Large and unfortunate-looking would be the best way to describe someone like Blair. She looked at them, crossing her large arms over her even larger chest, and then smiled, "And who are you two lookin' for?"

Crank gaped like a fish, while Delmar said, "The exit."

Blair's responding grin set a pit of fear into both of their stomachs. "I can lead you there."

Delmar blinked and then looked at Crank. Crank looked at him, wide-eyed.

"I-I think we can find our way, ma'am," Delmar said, trying to be as polite as possible.

"Please," Blair said, grinning and revealing a set of stained teeth, "let me help."

Out of fear of possibly being castrated and then buried alive, Crank and Delmar followed.

"This is possibly the worst decision of our short lives," Crank noted.

Delmar could only gulp and nod.

They weaved and turned and moved around various corners and through shafts and down, down, down. Crank didn't like it when they started to go down, even further beneath the surface than they were to start with.

Blair wobbled in front of them, lumbering with a heavy tread throughout the mines. There were twists and turns and things that Crank tripped over again. Delmar wondered when his best friend had become so clumsy, but then an array of images - Crank falling up the stairs, Crank falling down the stairs, Crank tripping whilst on the treadmill, Crank burning himself on the stove, Crank slipping in the shower and taking the curtain with him - paraded through his mind and maybe, just maybe, it wasn't a surprise at all.

(And no one needed to know how he knew about Crank's showering situation.)

Blair was leading them further and further into the depths of hell, for all the two of them knew. However, it got cooler and cooler the further down they went, and Crank actually shivered at one point. From whether it was the cold or the fact that this was getting creepier by the minute, Delmar had no clue.

After a few more minutes of walking, they both arrived at a door. Raggedy and clearly having seen better days, it blocked the entrance to what would be a chamber of horrors, Blair would soon reveal, as she revealed with a grin, "This is my room."

Delmar and Crank stopped in their tracks.

"Uh...erm..." Crank tried to get out, but Blair interrupted him.

"You first," she said, pointing a gnarled finger at Delmar.

"Aw, hell! Dude, why are you always getting the women?"

Delmar gave a side-long glance to his best friend. "Man, do you really want to bring that up now?" He shot a glare at Blair. "Especially over this one?"

Crank seemed to realize his wrong-doing and looked at his feet. "I'd say we're screwed."

Blair smirked. "Literally - "

Then, out of no where, an object came hurling at Blair's face, connecting squarely with her nose and causing her to yelp and curse in a very unladylike manner - not that she was ever ladylike to begin with, mind you, but still -

"Bitch!" came the snarled punctuation of the action. The voice sounded dreadfully familiar, and it sent shudders of fear as well as a breath of relief between both Crank and Delmar.

The two of them turned and saw the very infamous Hades standing not feet away, watching as Blair picked up what had been thrown her way. In her fingers was a building block, the same kind that had been used by Suzie and Hansel in their mischievous activities. However, it was plainly obvious that it had been thrown by the large and menacing Hades, who was panting and as red-faced as if he had just run a mile.

"The hell did I do now, you jackass?" Blair called back.

Another block conked her in the skull. Crank and Delmar were outright laughing now. They weren't sure what was funnier - the fact that someone as large and potentially violent as Hades was using building blocks as projectile weapons or the fact that the two were fighting like an old married couple.

"Letch told me you took m'gummy bears, you bitch!"

"Come up with original insults, you jackass!"

"You first!"

Another block hit her straight between the eyes, and at that point, Blair had had it. She charged, barreling between Crank and Delmar with all the force of a freight train, the entirety of the mines quivering with her presence.

After the dust had settled - literally - and Crank and Delmar were left to their own devices and were realizing just how hopelessly lost they were, Letch decided to make his presence known, slithering down from a previously unknown passageway and landing solidly in front of them, a smirk gracing his lips.

"You're welcome," he greeted them.

"...thanks?" Delmar questioned.

The shouting of Hades and Blair sounded through the mines.

"You two'd been down here for a while and Stump was worried 'cause he and that nerdy guy had finished unloading the rest of the goods and hadn't seen either of you for hours. So, yeah." Letch shrugged, looking as if he was trying hard not to be too proud of himself. "This plan? All me."

"You could have found us before Blair did," Crank shuddered.

Letch, again, shrugged. "Eh. Shit happens."

Crank didn't even feel up to arguing. "Just...get us out of here, man."

The mutant obliged, leading them out the way they came, taking them around turn after turn, over fallen beams and large rocks, and finally they were at the mouth of the entrance to the mines. Dirty and tired and unhappy would not even begin to describe what they were feeling.

Stump and Napoleon, who had been sitting at the truck as guards, looked at them with relief.

When they got closer, however, Napoleon said with an immeasurable amount of sarcasm, "Have fun, guys?"

Crank kneed him in the balls.

As Napoleon curled into the fetal position on the desert floor, muttering, "I didn't even deserve that one," Delmar looked at Crank with a long-suffering gaze.

"Geez, Napoleon isn't even going to be able to have kids at this point."

"After the day I just had, I deserve to kick someone in the balls."

"...good point, my man, good point."


End 002.