Chapter 1: Obese Lightning
Meanwhile, in a parallel universe...
It has been determined by many scientific studies that when a person is deprived of one sense, even temporarily, their other senses become more powerful as a means of compensation. This is why, for example, those born blind often have incredible hearing. Shawn Spencer was well aware of this phenomenon: whenever he needed to concentrate on a case, he would close his eyes to allow his mind to pick up any information he might have missed. This was what he was doing now: closing his eyes and allowing his other senses to take hold of the investigation.
No doubt about it. Something was definitely rotten here...and he had a good feeling he knew what.
"Gus!" he called, opening his eyes. "The milk's expired!"
Across the room, his partner Burton Guster (known as "Gus" to those who were familiar with him and practically anything else to those who weren't) looked up from his laptop. "No way!" he protested. "I checked the date; that milk's good for another two days!"
Shawn shook his head. "You know as well as I do not to trust the expiration dates," he said. "Weren't you talking just the other day about how there's no accountability for expiration date makers?"
"Fine," said Gus flatly. "Then it's your turn to go to the store and get more."
"Dude, can't I just borrow yours?" protested Shawn, closing the fridge and walking over towards Gus.
"No, you can't 'borrow' milk from me, Shawn!" Gus snapped.
"Oh come on, Gus!" protested Shawn. "You know how hard it is to carry groceries on a motorcycle?"
"I'm not driving all the way back to my house just 'cause you're too damn lazy to buy your own milk," said Gus, looking up from his laptop. "Besides, I know you drink from the carton, and I am NOT getting your germs!"
"That was one time, Gus!" exclaimed Shawn. "Can't you let that go?"
"Not when it means contaminating my personal supply of milk," said Gus firmly.
"Okay, one drink from the carton is not going to 'contaminate' anything!" said Shawn. "People drank from the carton for hundreds of years, and they were just fine!"
Gus rolled his eyes. "Fine," he said. "As usual, I'll be the one going to the store."
"See?" said Shawn. "This is why we make such a great team: because we know how to share responsibilities."
"We're not sharing anything!" exclaimed Gus. "You're making me do all the work! Again!"
"You know, Gus," said Shawn, "sometimes you can be a real glass half-broken kind of guy."
"It's 'glass half-empty', Shawn," said Gus.
Shawn shrugged. "I've heard it both ways."
Gus was about to respond. He was going to stand up to Shawn, he really was. He had a whole rant prepared about how he always ended up getting stuck doing all the jobs that Shawn didn't feel like doing, how he sometimes felt like nothing but the comic relief in this partnership. He was really going to stick up for himself this time.
So in light of this, it was perhaps unfortunate for Gus that the dimensional rift opened up in the Psych office just as he was about to say all this.
Without warning, the air in the middle of the office seemed to explode. Shawn and Gus were both flung against the back wall. Gus had been sitting at the computer, so he landed with his back against the wall. Shawn hit face-first, his head striking the wall and denting it rather badly.
He turned around to see what had happened...and his jaw dropped.
The...thing which had materialized in the middle of the office was unlike anything Shawn had ever seen. The best description he could come up with was that it was "like a morbidly obese bolt of lightning". The thing was a jagged column of energy about three feet across and extending from the floor to the ceiling. It twisted and danced across the floor, scorching the boards and otherwise violating the terms of the lease.
To his horror, Shawn suddenly realized that he and Gus, and indeed everything else in the office, were being sucked towards the rift. As he watched, papers flew off the desk into the column of light and vanished from view. Small objects around the room slid across the floor (or, in some cases, flew through the air), as if they had heard there was a crazy party going on inside the rift and wanted to get in on the action. With alarm, Shawn and Gus realized that they too were being sucked into the rift. In desperation they clung onto the wood of the desk, the only sturdy object within reach. They were both screaming at this point, though neither man's shouts could be heard over the crackling of the rift; most seemed to be variations of "OH MY GOD!" and "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?" and the old favorite "WHY, DEAR GOD, WHY?". One of them yelled out something that sounded suspiciously like "MOMMY!", but neither would ever learn who it was.
The longer they clung on, the stronger the suction force became. For a moment they hung on, their bodies pulled over the desk by the sheer power of the rift. Without warning a picture frame flew off the wall and smacked Gus in the forehead. It wasn't enough to knock him out, but it was just enough to loosen his grip. Shawn watched in horror as his best friend in the world lost his grip on the desk and began to fall backwards into the center of the room.
Shawn didn't know why he did what he did. All he knew was he had to try to do something to save his friend. He let go of the desk and awkwardly spun himself around in mid-air. His plan was to grab Gus by the hand, then latch onto the desk with his feet and pull himself and Gus back behind the desk. Hopefully the rift or whatever it was would exhaust itself in a few second, and then they would be safe.
Sadly, things didn't work out like that. Oh, the plan worked out just great on the "Grab Gus by the hand" part, but the rest sadly never got a chance to come to fruition. The instant Shawn's feet made contact with the desk, the entire thing tipped over. With nothing to hold on to, Shawn and Gus hurtled forward toward the beam.
Shawn's last thought: I hope this doesn't hurt.
It did.
