** Disclaimer: "ER" is property of Warner Brothers Television, NBC, and all respective producers and cast. I have written this story for fanfiction and nothing else. I am not making a profit from this. This is simply for fanfiction enjoyment. **

Spoilers: All the episodes up until "It's All in Your Head"

Rating: PG-13 for strong language

Summary: Susan's, Rachel's Elizabeth's and Mark's thoughts after "It's All In Your Head." Each one of them are devastated by their own thoughts. If they only knew what the other was thinking…

Acknowledgment: I'd like to thank Lori (SixteenOzs)! Her thoughts have sparked my own thoughts and ideas. Thank you so much Lori!! J

If You Only Knew

Rachel's Thoughts

I wish I could take back everything I've done. I'm such an idiot! Why did I take the Ecstasy?! I've apologized to Dad thousands of times, but that is not going to change the past. Ella could have died because of me. I put my own baby sister's life in danger. I may have even caused her brain damage. What did I do to deserve such a wonderful dad? Anyone else would have kicked me out of the house, and I can't say that I disagree. But Dad knows that I didn't mean for this to happen. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. He's hurting inside. I know it. I see it every time he stares out in space, just sitting in the living room all by himself. I see it every time he pauses before he walks into his room. He misses Elizabeth ... terribly. And it's all my fault!

I wish there was something I could do to apologize to Elizabeth. But there's nothing I can do or say to make things any easier. I didn't mean for this to happen! I didn't mean for any of this to happen! I can't believe what a jerk I have been. I should have listened to Dad to start with. If I had known it would come down to this, I never would have even talked to Andrew. There's a mountain of crumpled up papers in my closet. All of them are my trying to write an apology to Elizabeth . I've stopped for now. What do you say to someone when you've almost killed her daughter?

Dad doesn't know this, but late at night, I cry. I can't sleep. I can't move. I just keep reminding myself over and over, "All of this is my fault." I try to look cheerful when Dad is around. Maybe some of that will rub off on him. Of course, who am I kidding? He's noticed my red eyes a couple of times, but I just tell him I'm tired. Yeah, some days are better than other, but every once in a while, I cry myself to sleep.