Scene Two: Out of the frying pan, into the piano
Opens with Drew reading a book in his coffin and brooding. Again. Why? Because that's what he does when he's deprived of sex.
(Enter Marty who's looking around curiously)
Drew (testily): What do you want?
Marty (mystified): I haven't even insulted you yet, (excitedly) am I that annoying?
Drew: Brood, brood, brood, brood…
Marty (tilting his head to the left and sounding like Sally Jesse Raphael.): Drew, you seem a little down. Are you down Drew?
Drew: Brood, brood, brood, need sex, brood…
Marty: Now, now, pure thoughts.
Drew: Easy for you to say.
Marty: Why's that now? I haven't been laid in ages.
Drew: Oh, don't think you can hide anything from me. After all we live together.
Marty (disturbed): Don't say that. Besides, I don't have anything to hide. Well, except for all my deep, dark secrets…
Drew (eyes him warily): Everyone knows about Linda.
Marty (shiftily): Uh, Linda? Who's Linda?
Drew (matter of factly): You can't order a 'Deluxe Blow Up Doll' through the mail, and expect us not to notice!
Marty: Well, uh, at least it's a Linda, and not a Larry!
Drew (in an English school-marm accent): Whatever do you mean?
Marty (accusingly): Oh, you know exactly what I mean!
(Marty walks off, somewhat triumphantly, to visit, uh, 'Linda')
Drew: *sigh*, brood, brood, *sigh*, brood…
(He gets out a pirate sword from beneath his coffin and looks at it nostalgically)
(Marty walks back because he forgot why he came in there the first time)
Marty: Merrill says that you have a High Ranking member of the Russian Mafia in here! (Peers around) is it true?
Drew (giving him the what-are-you-talking-about look): Of course not.
Marty (obviously let down): Oh. Well, I didn't believe her anyway.
Drew (reaching into his pocket and pulling out the Russian): He's only an informant.
Marty (staring): How the hell did you-
Drew: …keep Murdoch from finding out?
Marty: Not qui-
Drew: …smuggle him into the country?
Marty: Not exac-
Drew: …keep him so fresh and clean smelling? It's easy, you take a bounce sheet-
Marty (slightly hysterical, because he's better that way. Don't try to deny it.): No! How do you fit him in your pants?
(At this the Russian giggles and they both glare at him)
Drew (a la my 5 year old niece): It'th a secwet…
Marty: Ookay. I think I need some Peach Cobbler.
Russian: Peach Cobbler?
Marty: Yeah. It's not so bad, and after what happened with the cookies… (He shudders visibly)
Drew: You mean when I whooped your ass?
Marty: You didn't 'whoop' my ass.
Drew: Kicked it then?
Marty: You didn't 'kick' it either.
Drew: Oh. (Thinks for a moment) You must be talking about the time I (a la Homer Simpson) squeezed your sweet, sweet can… arrlggh…
Marty (a la The Blair Witch Project): I. Am. So. Scared. (Runs from the room)
(Essie, Karl, Merrill and Andre are sitting at the big round table doing… stuff. Yes that will do. Stuff.)
(Marty rushes in. Stops. Resumes pace nonchalantly)
Essie (looking up): Were the other Divas picking on you Aretha?
Marty (scowling): Actually yes, the resident 'Diva' just (in a dramatic stage whisper) Came.
Essie: uh-huh…
Marty: On.
Essie: uh-huh…
Marty: To.
Essie: uh-huh…
Marty: ME!
(Essie utters a small shriek before falling over backwards)
Merrill (obviously jealous): What's he doing now?
Marty: Playing with his sword.
(Merrill's eyes widen at the thought and she jumps up and runs towards the coffin room.)
Marty (after Merrill): No! I didn't mean- ah hell. I don't care. (Sits dejectedly)
Karl (to no one in particular): If Drew's a fairy, why's he need a sword?
Marty: Well, you see Karl. Drew's a… special kind of fairy.
Karl: Special?
Marty: Yeah. His kind is all about 'swords'.
Karl: Swords? (After a few moments) I was in the Special Class at school…
(Scene shift to the coffin room where Drew is polishing his, uh, sword. In rushes Merrill)
Drew (without looking up): Go away brood, I mean Merrill, brood, brood, brood…
Merrill: Marty said you were polishing your sword, (slyly) need any help?
Drew (eyes widen): Pervert! Pervert! (Points hysterically) Creep! Pervert! Barney! (Runs off)
Merrill (yelling): Barney? (Chases after him)
(Scene shifts back to the table where Essie is supervising Karl's construction-paper cutting, and Andre is eyeing Marty)
Karl: Why can't I use the big boy scissors?
Essie: Because you're stupid.
(Everyone looks at her, shocked)
Essie: What? It's true!
(Everyone looks up as Drew runs past screaming 'Barney', with Merrill in pursuit)
Drew (running): Help! Save Me! Creep!
Merrill (also running): Wait! Stop! I just wanna polish your sword!
Andre (leaping to his feet): Hey! That's my job!
(Drew, Merrill and Andre rush after one another)
Essie: C'est la vie.
Karl: Say what?
Essie: It's French.
Karl: Oh. (a la The King of Siam) Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
Essie (exasperatedly): Oh that's it. No more Disney Channel for you.
Marty (to Karl): Yeah, we might find a way to kill the witch. (Points to Essie)
Essie: Quiet Aretha.
Marty (a la Ralph Wiggums): Leave me alone.
(walks off towards the piano area place)
(Scene shifts to the piano area place where Merrill and Andre are apparently trying to get Drew out of… the piano?)
Merrill (to the piano): Drew? You can't stay in there all night.
Drew (muffled, cause he's in the piano): I can if you believe I can
Merrill: Will you at least let the Rusky out?
Drew (still muffled): Well… okay.
(We hear a few strange thumps and bumps before the Russian pops out)
Russian (dusting himself off): Vell, dat is much better I am tinking…
Andre (to the piano): Drew, you could suffocate and die in there, you know…
Merrill (without thinking): No he couldn't.
Andre (looking at her strangely): Riight. Anyway, Drew just come out here, Essie keeps touching me and Karl is really dumb…
Drew: I WON'T, You can't MAKE me…
Andre: Fine then, be that way…
(Andre and Merrill leave with Rusky)
(Marty enters)
Piano (who's really Drew): I don't care! I'm not coming out!
Marty (Who's terrified of Ghosties): Eek! It's the Boogie Man! (Dives under piano)
Drew (from above Marty): The Boogie Man? Aah! (Dives out of piano to huddle with Marty)
Marty (unamused): Oh. I was wrong. It's the Fruity-Man.
Drew (still scared): Oh no! Not the Fruity-Man! (Grasps onto Marty's coat)
(Marty then tries to scooch away from Drew and ends up hitting his head really hard on the piano, falls over slightly. Wait. Is that possible?)
(Drew leans over Marty)
Drew (breathily): Marty! Are you okay!
(Startled, Marty sits up, again, and bangs his head, again)
Marty: Ow!
Drew: Did you say 'Oh!'? As in we might start a 'torrid love affair'?
Marty (panicking): No!
Drew: Oh?
Marty: No!
Drew: Oh.
Marty: NO!
Drew: No, I meant 'Oh' as in I know, that you mean 'No' instead of 'Oh', ya know?
Marty (thinks for a moment): NO!
Drew: Oh.
Marty: NO!
Drew: Shut-up. Now my head hurts.
(They sit awkwardly for a moment before getting up, and going to find the others. They find them gathered around the television, watching a 'reality gag show'. People are being paid to do things to themselves, and others, and society. You know the ones. At the moment one guy is licking pudding off of another guy's face, for money)
Marty: Ew. That's gross. (Gags)
Drew: I know! I hate pudding!
(All eye him)
Karl: I have new socks on.
(Nobody answers)
Andre (annoyed): You know, I am getting so sick and tired of your denial!
Marty: Yep. De Nile ain't just a river in Egypt.
Karl: Hey! 'Denial' isn't a river in Egypt!
Essie: Here, have a cookie. (Gives him a cookie)
Karl (looking at cookie): Does it have bugs?
Essie: Probably.
(Karl eats cookie)
Andre: Either make up your mind, or let me go home! My parents are starting to worry!
Merrill: Wait, how old are you?
Drew (rather quickly): He's legal!
(All eye him)
Drew: I, uh, um, HEY! LOOK OVER THERE! (points dramatically)
(Everyone looks, cause well they need excitement in their lives)
(Drew runs from the room)
Russian: Vell, who knew dat my landlady was such a Plato.
Merrill (ignoring the landlady comment): Plato?
Russian: Yah, vosn't Plato a pedophile?
Is Drew a pedophile? Does the Russian have a name? And how does Drew fit him in his pocket?
That and more to come…
