Ok… my twisted little sister and I came up with this while tackling the jungle that was her bedroom floor…anyway, it got us into fits of hysterics and she insisted that I put it down on paper. So… this one's for you BZ.

(Oh… and sorry to any Thane fans, for some reason the poor drell always gets the short end of the stick in this story. LOL also apologise for OOCness of the Thane character here, tis done deliberately for comical effect.)

Set during that 'special night' before going into the relay; after Mordin warns Shepard about the hallucinogenic qualities of drell kisses.


CHAPTER TWO – DOING SOME DRELL

Shepard moaned into his kiss, running her hands over the skin of his back. Thane couldn't help himself; his hands ran from her shoulders to her hips as he pressed himself against her body. Shepard slipped his jacket off his arms, pausing their deep kiss to breath down god given air. Her breaths came in short shallow gasps as she rested her head on his shoulder.

"Oh Thane…" she sighed. "Thane…"

"Siha." The romance of the moment made his heart sore for the first time in years.

"Thane… why are there monkeys on the desk?"

Thane frowned, pulling away from her and looking into her face. "Sorry?"

"The monkeys!" She pointed over his shoulder at the desk. Thane glanced back, but saw nothing out of the ordinary.

"Holy crap!" The commander suddenly exclaimed. "That's one big Friggin banana!"

"Is that some sort of human euphemism? Siha?" He scanned her face, noticing how her skin was flushed and a little clammy, her eyes were wide, startled, the pupils expanded as wise as they could be.

"God I want that banana!" She murmured.

Thane took her by the shoulders, shaking her a little. "Siha, there is no banana, you are not well."

She waved a dismissive hand. "I'm fine." Her voice high pitched; her tone bubbly and carefree. "I feel great!" She suddenly tore her wide eyes from the desk and looked at him with renewed interest. "Wow! You're… green!"

"Siha…" His protest was cut off as she leaned up and captured his lips, kissing him like her life depended on it.

Thane tried to push her away, his sense of morality telling him that he should not allow himself to take advantage of Shepards obviously diminished sense of well… sense. Shepard however was having none of it, clinging to him like he was her lifeline.

Finally she broke away from him, looking round the cabin with wide joyful eyes. "Oh my god! It's so bright!" She giggled wildly, falling onto her bed. "So many banana's!" she gasped.

Thane watched her, fear rising in his chest and making him feel sick. He'd hurt her, he'd driven her insane!

He turned and dashed from the room, Shepard giggling manically behind him.

Thane raced to Mordins lab, finding the Salarian doctor scanning Garrus's face wound. Dr Chakwas flicking through some information on a data pad. The trio looked up at the drells sudden appearance.

"I broke her!" Thane gasped. "Shepard! She's gone mad!"

There was a silence so thick Thane was sure it could be cut with a knife.

The Salarian looked thoughtful. "Broke her? Unlikely, Shepard very durable… madness? Effect of drell saliva perhaps? Cerberus implants could make her sensitive…"

As if on cue Shepard walked, somewhat unsteadily through the doors, followed by Miranda and Kelly.

"Would someone explain to me why the commander thinks the ship is overrun by mutant monkeys and dancing banana's?" Miranda narrowed her eyes and folded her arms over her chest.

Shepard laughed madly. "It's so Friggin' funny!"

"It's really not." Kelly was eyeing her commander with a look of terror.

Chakwas stepped forwards. "Commander, why don't you come sit over here…"

The commander jerked away from the Doctors hands. "Hell no! I'm gonna dance with the Banana's!" With that declaration Shepard began to spin in circles, humming to herself as she went.

"Goodness… quite a severe reaction." Mordin looked over the spinning commander with a curious gaze. "Overly sensitive to hallucinogenic would seem… predisposition to it…"

"Well this is just great!" Said Garrus sarcastically as Thane tried desperately to stop his Siha from spinning madly. "Where hitting the relay in less than 2 hours and Shepards tripping! Who the hell is gonna deal with the collectors!" The team all settled their eyes on him. "Aw hell no! You can't be serious!"

Miranda shrugged. "Ordinarily I would volunteer myself, however I do not command the respect of the alien members of this team. You do…"

"I'm sorry… did you forget I got my last team massacred!"

"Relax!" Chakwas stepped in. "No one needs to take over from Shepard. I'll give her something to relax her and counter the allergic reaction, she'll be back on her feet in an hour or so…"

"You can fix this?" Thane asked, worry written all over his usually passive features.

"No trouble." Mordin waved a hand. "Prepared anti allergens for just such reaction. Commander will have headache… but otherwise unharmed."

Relief washed over the Drell's face as Mordin approached Shepard, who was now swaying on the spot, Thanes arms holding her shoulders. The Salarian gave her the shot and immediately Shepard frowned.

"Monkeys? Where'd you go! I want that banana! Bastards!" With those final words Shepard passed out, the drell catching her and lifting her into his arms.

"Put her to bed." Chakwas instructed. "I'll check her over in an hour or so."

EPILOGUE

Shepard leaned over the railings, staring at the galaxy map with tired eyes. Her head was pounding and all the colours in the room seemed that little bit brighter. It made her head pound even more. Kelly kept given her nervous sideways glances, and Shepard felt the cringe of embarrassment every time she noticed the young woman.

Garrus came out of the armoury and headed to the lift. "Hey Commander…" He called. Shepard could tell from the tone of his voice that she wasn't going to like whatever he said next. Still, she turned to acknowledge him. "Got any banana's lately?"

"Piss off Vakarian!" She snapped. "They were Friggin good banana's!"

TWO DAYS LATER

Garrus spun round as the doors to the main battery opened and Thane slid in, immediately taking cover behind the crates in the corner.

"Krios? What's going on?"

"Officer Vakarian…" He sounded breathless, like he'd just run a marathon. "I'm sorry to inconvenience you, but I need somewhere to hide."

"Hide? What from? Are we under attack?" Garrus felt his hand reach for his gun instinctively.

Thane however shook his head. "The Normandy is safe. I wish I could say the same for myself."

Garrus managed a readable puzzled expression on his Turian features. Thane sighed, about to explain when there was a shout from the mess hall.

"Thane! Come on! I want to play with the monkeys!"

"What in spirits name?" Garrus trailed off, looking down at Thane. "Was that Shepard!"

Thane nodded looking sullen. "She wanted to give our relationship another try… it did not end well. Now she wishes to 'do more drell' as she so eloquently put it."

Garrus snorted, then burst out laughing. "Hell I thought I was a hit with the ladies but you got them hooked on you… literally!" He laughed harder as the doors to the battery opened again and a slightly dazed looking Shepard waltzed in. She looked round then pounced on her Drell lover who managed to slip her grasp and leg it down the hall.

Shepard pouted. "Oh come on Kermit! I don't wanna come down yet! Just let me play a little while! I promise I'll share my banana's! Thane!" She ran after him, leaving Garrus doubled over in laughter.


So my excuse for this disgrace of a story? BZ made me do it! ^^

Addendum: It occurs to me now that there is a slight continuity error here in that Kelly would have been abducted by the collectors at this point… oh well… it's a load of rubbish anyway! XD