Jacob still has an anger management problem, Edward is still a closeted gay, Bella is still an attention seeking loser and imprinting swings both ways!!
Alice Cullen picks up sattelite TV in her head and is an obscenly lazy couch potato, Jasper is a sick-minded man who is very self-absorbed (the result of his wife becoming a couch potato and spending no time with him) and Charlie has recently revealed his dream to become a rockstar. And there's a cool-talking monkey somewhere in there, too.
The Anti-Twilight Story: Chapter 2
A\N: Thanks for all the reviews! Writing Chapter 1 was lots of fun, so I'm writing Chapter 2. And since writing Chapter 1, I did my 'research' and watched the movie in French class. So, now I do know a little bit about the characters. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own any Twilight characters, nor do I own the book. Not that I want to or anything.
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JACOB'S P.O.V.
"I want you" Edward breathed.
I sat there, trying to figure out what he meant by that. Hmmm, "I want you", what could that mean....
I had to stop thinking; my brain was hurting.
"Want me what?" I demanded.
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EDWARD'S P.O.V
Oh. Em. Gee.
Did I just say what I thought I said? Did I just totally go and reveal my secret to the hot man-wolf? I had to, like, cover up my story:
"Um, like, I totally want you to...." OMG, what was I going to say?
Want him to come and watch football? Nah, I'm totally not into sports, 'cept for the close-up shots of the players.
Want him to join the U.S. Army? OMG, he'd look so hot as a soldier... but, like, no, too random.
Oh, I know!
"I want you to go SHOPPING with me!" I squealed.
"Erm- Sure!" Jacob said.
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BELLA'S P.O.V.
"Miss, you have to get off the floor now. You are turning away customers" the movie manager told me.
Turning away people that I could get attention from? Not on my watch!!
I jumped up from the floor.
"OH MY GOSH, I TOTALLY HAVE POPCORN STUCK ALL OVER MY HAIR!!!!!" I cried.
No one looked in my direction.
Just then, the door opened. In walked a baby hippopotamous wearing a porkpie hat and pink neon sunglasses, and a capuchin monkey carrying an iPod dock.
The monkey leapt onto the snack counter and so did the hippopotamous, unsuccessfully.
The monkey pressed play on the iPod dock.
"Listen up, y'all." cried the monkey, holding his hands out to silence the 7 people in the lobby. "Me an' my friend are gonna do a very special performance for you."
The music started, and the hippo got onto his two hind legs. Although it was amazing, because I had only seen a dancing hippo twice in my life before and I admitedly enjoy them, I couldn't help myself but scream. After all, it had been 3 whole minutes and 26 whole seconds and 52 whole milliseconds since I last got anyone's attention.
"THE MONKEY AND I SLEEP TOGETHER! HE CALLS ME HIS DAFFY DILL BECAUSE I SMELL LIKE PICKLES!"
There. That got everyone's attention.
But the hippo and the monkey did not seem too happy that I stole their thunder.
"Uh-uh, girlfriend, you ain't great enough for me." the monkey snapped.
Uh-oh, the attention was back on the monkey.... oh my gosh, he was wearing UNDERPANTS! I did not notice that before, that is so awesome! A monkey that wears underpants! From the point on, I wanted that monkey.
"ME AND THE MONKEY SHARE A CONDIMINIUM ON RODEO DRIVE! AND MR PETERSON WEARS A THONG!" Mr. Peterson blushed, again.
I pushed my way through the crowd and snatched the monkey.
"COME ON MONKEY, YOU CAN BE THE TROY TO MY GABRIELLA, THE BELLA TO MY EDWARD!"
The monkey obliged, and we walked into the theater together.
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EDWARD'S P.O.V.
Bella, like, returned. I was totally hoping that Jacob wouldn't talk about our, like, shopping trip, but, like, he did.
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JACOB'S P.O.V
"Bella, me and Edward and Edward brother and sister going to mall you come?" I grunted.
"Oh em gee, you totally did not, like, invite my bro and sis without telling me, Jakey!" Edward giggled.
Bella, who was sitting between us, looked frusturated.
"NO ONE SAW MY MONKEY!"
"Duderella, chillax" Bella's lap said. On second look, I saw a monkey. So, no Bella's lap talking. Only monkey.
Awkward silence followed. Movie started. During part where man's house starts to float, Bella talked:
"WHEN ARE WE GOING TO THE MALL? AND MY MONKEY IS GOING TO SHARE MY BED!"
Edward rolled his eyes and giggled.
"Bells, you are totally embarassing me in front of that hot..." Edward paused, his finger pointing to big man in front row. Then Edward's finger moved. "..In front of that hot chick over there. Yeah, because I like girls. I like girls lots."
I felt bored.
"I'm bored now, let's go!"
"Dude, just chill out" the monkey said. That did not make me happy, so I squeezed the monkey.
"Duderella, Duderella's flamboyant friend, we should leave." the monkey corrected himself.
Good answer, monkey.
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ALICE'S P.O.V.
"Good morning, Alice. Did you have a good time in your bed last night?" Jasper smirked.
I didn't hear Jasper. Well, I did, but I didn't answer. I was getting TV feed into my head. Oh good, my favorite show is on.
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JASPER'S P.O.V
"Oh my gosh, Alice, you never want to do anything with me anymore!" I complained. And then smirked.
Oh, Jasper, how do you come up with this stuff? I thought.
"Oh em gee, Jasper, I'm having Bella and her dad and her hot wolf-man friend over." Edward squealed as he came down the stairs and squealing.
"I know, Ed. So do you plan on having fun with Bella tonight?" I smirked and wiggled my eyebrows.
"Ewwww, Jasp, you are, like, so sick-minded!" Edward cried.
"I know, right?" I smirked again. I really am amazing at coming up with double entendres.
"Where's my gorgeous Alice?" Edward asked as I walked over to the kitchen.
"She's watching TV again, on the couch." I replied absent-mindedly, searching for a cookbook.
Whoops. "And I bet she's really enjoying it, too." I smirked. There. Much better.
"Oh em gee, Jasp, you are such a weirdo!" Edward said.
"Me, a weirdo? I'm married to my sister! I think I'm already pretty weird as it is." I responded in defense.
"Yeah, like, what is with that? I mean, total baby mutations and stuff. When I meet a man, I'll make sure that he isn't you or Emmett before I marry him." Edward rambled.
"Sure, Ed. Whatever you say." I wasn't paying attention.
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EDWARD'S P.O.V.
"Okay, well, like, I'm going into the coat closet now to wait for our guests." I announced to Jasper who, like, probably wasn't even listening. No fair.
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BELLA'S P.O.V.
"CHA-ARLIE, I'VE DECIDED TO WEAR BLUE SOCKS TO EDWARD'S HOUSE TONIGHT!" I announced as I walked into the rec room.
"Wow, man, don't interupt me when I'm playing G.H m 'kay? It totally messes me up and junk." Charlie told me. "Aw, man, I totally didn't get a good score. Must be cuz I can't reach the blue button on the guitar stick."
"WOW, CHARLIE, YOU ARE SO STUPID THAT PART OF THE GUITAR IS CALLED THE LEG AND I EAT PAINTERS TAPE!"
"Hey, man, wanna hear the song I wrote for my new band?" Charlie asked as he made his way to the desk.
"YOU DON'T HAVE A BAND CHARLIE...BROWN! HAHA GET IT? YOU'RE NEW NAME IS CHARLIE BROWN I WILL CALL YOU THAT EVERYWHERE WE GO."
"DUDE, JUST SHUT-UP AND LISTEN!" Charlie yelled.
I shut up.
"Thank you, Bella. Here goes:
I went down to the supermarket
They had a sale on telemarkets
So I bought one
*Doo Doo*
I bought one
*Doo Doo*
I paid my bill to the cashier
And he said "Turn left and exit here."
*Doo Doo*
Turn left
*Oooh*
Turn left
*Doo Doo*
"Well, that's all I have for now, Man." said Charlie. "But once I get a sweet band, we'll put some major hot guitar solos in there and this song'll kick butt!"
"LET'S GO CHARLIE BROWN! HI MRS COLESLAW!"
"Bella, that's the couch. You don't give couches a name." Charlie said. "I'm thinking of getting a majorly sweet tattoo, right on my back. What do you think it should be?"
I paused, thinking of possible designs. When I couldn't think of anything, I said:
"MY MONKEY WEARS UNDERPANTS!"
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A\N: So there's Chapter 2. Please Review, I love hearing your comments. I'll publish Chapter 3 if I get requests for it.
