The next day was better, and worse.
It was better because I got to spend the whole day with Jake. And it was worse because I still had the urge that I needed something more. Anything more.
Now, we were sitting outside Jacob's house, on the fold out lawn chairs that he's had forever - well, as long as I can remember. A month ago, this would have been just another day with Jake, my best friend. But now, it was something totally different. And it was only different to me, and that really hurt.
But, being me - I wasn't gonna say anything.
"Hey, Nessie?" The sound of Jake's voice pulled me back into reality.
I took a second to drown myself in the sweet symphony that was his voice. It was all deep, and rough.
He must've thought I didn't hear him or something, even though I did, loud and clear, because he called my name again, a little bit louder. I was gonna explain why I hadn't answered the first time, but I decided it against it. Saying 'Oh, sorry Jake, I was just admiring the beauty that is your voice' would sound a little bit more than weird.
"Yeah?"
He turned his head to the side so that he was looking at me straight on. "Are you - uh.." he seemed to be struggling to find the word, judging by his eyebrows knitting tightly together. "Are you alright?"
That caught me off guard. Had he noticed me admiring him earlier when we went swimming? I mean, if you went swimming with someone like Jacob, you'd be admiring them, too. I - I just couldn't NOT look at him when he stripped his shirt off like that, and the muscles in his stomach tightened up and then - ugh. There I go again. I really needed to stop doing that.
"Yeah... I - I'm fine, Jake," My voice cracked, betraying me and making my before statement null. I didn't know what to say, so I just shut my lips and waited for him to respond.
Next thing I knew, he was right next to me. I could feel his breath against my skin and I shivered. He set his hand on my shoulder and put his face so it was right in front of mine, staring me straight in the eyes.
"Ness, don't lie to me. I can tell when somethings up, and somethings definitely up. You've never been as quiet as you've been today. Now, either you're gonna tell me, or I'm gonna drag your dad here and have him get it out of you," Oh, god. The dad threat. Why'd he always have to use that one? I never had a way out, except mom, and she hated shielding me unless it was something urgent, 'cause dad always got really mad at her when she did that without telling him.
I took my lip in and bit down on it, hard, but it didn't hurt. His eyes softened a little bit and the corners of his lips turned down slightly.
"Aw, Ness," He wrapped his arms around me in a tight hug. "I'm sorry. You know I hate doing that to you, but I hate it when you won't tell me what's wrong. It makes me nervous, you know that."
He was right - I did know that. But telling him what was wrong right now definitely wasn't going to help make it any better.
"It's okay. . . I know you're just trying to make sure that I'm okay. I know you worry, Jake. But - please. . . if - if you love me at all," and I only said that because I knew he did love me, just not in the right way. "Just wait, okay? I promise it's nothing fatal to me or to anyone else and I'm fine. I'm just - I'm not comfortable sharing it with anyone right now."
He looked at me, searching my eyes for anything hidden but I kept them hard and intent on not revealing anything.
He nodded. "Alright, Ness. But if I find out anything different..."
I decided it was time to lighten up things.
"What? You'll go all wolf on me?" I grinned playfully and shoved him.
He stood up, towering over me, and then tugged on my hand, silently asking me to stand up. I did. He took my hand and started leading me towards the woods across from his house.
"Jake? Where're we going?" I asked.
He seemed to be focusing on something else, but I wasn't really sure what that something else was. "Just stay here a second, Ness."
He took off and left me standing there for a second, wondering what was going on. Not even 10 seconds later, a big, russet wolf came trotting towards me. He reached me, and bent his head down.
I knew what that meant. I scratched behind his ear and he let out a low, throaty sound of pleasure.
After about a few minutes of that, wolf-Jake lowered a little bit to the ground and his eyes flitted to his back.
I looked at him, confused. "What, you want me to ride you?" I laughed at the thought, even though I'd ridden on wolf-Jake tons of times before. But this was different, somehow.
His big head nodded.
I thought for a second at how I'd felt that first time I'd gone running with Jake in his wolf-form. How carefree and wonderful everything felt. I didn't even have to debate this. I climbed on his back and secured myself by burying my hands in his fur and holding on tight.
He straightened himself back up and took off.
I was free again.
