A/N: Chapter 2! It's time for job interviews!
2. Soren Doesn't Want to Be a Sue
Oh, joy. It's individual interview period. With lil' Gylf by my side, what could go wrong?
Plenty, I suppose. The elf owl was picking her beak with my paperclips (note the plural form), while admiring Otulissa's butt.
In a magazine, of course.
Soren comes in, without knocking.
"I don't want to be a Sue!" He pouts, "Gylf, you gotta help me!"
"Um, Soren," the little owl tore her eyes away from Otulissa's tail feathers, "aren't you a boy owl?"
"What's a boy?"
I groaned, "You're kidding me…right?"
"Bubo said I was a faggot, yesterday…" Soren said, a bit (only a bit) self-conscious now, "I don't know what that means either."
Bubo poked his head in form the hollow port and started roaring with laughter, "idgit! I called you a cross-dresser! Your brother called you faggot."
Does that really make a difference?
Bubo ducked his head out, flying away in a sudden jerky motion.
Outside, we could the rearing of a bulldozer, and Kludd screaming, "THE MUFFIN SHALL BE MINE!"
"Your interview?" I asked Soren.
"Oh, yes," the barn owl straightened his pleather mini (plastic leather, for all you non-knockoff freaks out there) and hopped forward, "Aniki told me not to come, but I did anyhow."
"Who the hag is Aniki?" Gylfie resumed her fleeting glances back at her magazine.
"Its big brother, in anime-speak," Soren whispered, "I saw it in this really graphic shojo hentai movie…"
I wanted to puke, "Soren, you're dismissed."
The barn owl stood up, "Hitomi and Murasaki were having this huge - - -"
Hooray for censor-ship!
Gylfie, however, seemed to become more interested, "You watch hentai? Me too! I saw this shonen-ai one, once, it got me extremely high!" She giggled.
"AUGH! GET OUT!" I shouted, "NEXT!"
"Good Glaux, I hope it isn't Digger next in line," I mutter to myself, adjusting the pen on my useless clipboard.
"Did someone say my name? My emo senses are tingling."
Oh, no. Oh hag, no.
A brown-feathered, down-trodden-looking burrowing owl walked in.
Soren, of course, was already all over him.
Funny, I thought he was discussing anime pornography with Gylfie?
"Diggy!" The over-impassioned transvestite crooned in delight, straightening out his pleather skirt for the seven-hundredth time, "my poor Diggy-muffin!"
"I told you not to call me that in public," Diggy hissed.
"What?" Soren asked, "Diggy-muffin?"
Digger, annoyed, "We broke up, Soren, remember? I found out you were a boy."
Soren frowned, "Why won't anyone tell me what boy means?"
Diggy-muffin threw away his penknife in exasperation, after wrenching it out (with a difficult grunt) from its permanently wedged-position on his left wing.
I could hear a sickening crunch as said sharp object dug its way into someone's brain.
"What the mother-frinkin' hag!"
Oh, dear. It's Nyra.
Now we're in for it.
"Oh, yeah?" The moon-faced owl hooted, "Take a peek at this month's Playbird then, you freaky emo!"
Emo-bird picked up Gylfie's discarded magazine and began leafing through it. His eyes bulged when he found Sylvana's picture in there, the owl all dolled up in an extremely (cough, cough) erotic-looking strait jacket. He let out one giant howl of grief and flew out the hollow port, pulled his beloved knife out of Nyra's scalp, and resumed his previous suicidal massacre on his wing, all the while letting out bloodcurdling screeches.
"What the HAG is your problem, Digger!"
"It's Sylvana!" the burrowing owl began to shed tears, "she's…she's a-a a…a GUY! A GUY! Ohmiglaux! It's as if everyone hates me! The world hates me! Nobody gets me! I think I'll go get some nachos…"
Soren starts to cry again, "So you never loved me, huh, Diggy?"
He jumped out the hollow port, right into his Aniki's bulldozer seat.
Kludd zooms by, cackling (I'm still not sure how he managed to locate a bulldozer in the middle of Hoolemere); "THE MUFFIN IS A LIE, BITCH! HAND IT TO ME NOW, OR FACE YOUR DEMISE!"
In response, I could hear Bubo's desperate wail, "No! You can't! It belongs to America! Only Americans can touch it!"
Nyra came into the interview room next, still decked in her nun costume.
Smoothing her facial disk feathers (I could still see a trickle of blood), she was the first interviewee to actually sit down before bolting out of the room, "I am a mother of one, widow of seven-hundred, commander of three divisions, three-time serial front-pager of Playbird, and now a Hagsmirian Sister of the Kuneer Desert," she stated clearly, "and I – OW!"
Three brown puffballs stuffed themselves up Ms. Look-At-Me-I'm-A-Nun's cloacal opening.
Ouch.
I watched them struggle, in awe.
"Nyra, kindly get the hell out of my office."
"Yeah, that's what he said."
I grimaced.
Nyra stalked away, trying to extract the last owlet from her butt, "Call me, if I do get the job, okay? I've wanted to become a table dancer in a grog tree ever since I hooked up with Kluddy."
Clearly, she had not read the job description.
The puffballs revealed themselves to be a very confused Bell, Blythe, and Bash. The three of them were scratching their heads in puzzlement.
"That's funny," the smaller puff muttered to the bigger puff, "Bubo said that there was candy in the small black hollow!"
"Yeah," the other agreed, "all I could smell is old nunny's excretes."
Nunny? Excretes?
What has happened to our recent generation of strigiformes?
I could hear Bubo cackling in delight on the far side.
"MUFFINS!"
Said cackling was unnaturally silenced, to be replaced by a wail, "Aniki, I'm NOT A SUE! I'M NOT A STU EITHER, FOR THAT MATTER!"
I sighed, "NEXT."
Coryn (with Eglantine joined at the hip) walked in, still trying to make sense of his renewed status of biggest tease. He was muttering, trying and failing to be discreet, into his newly acquired mobile phone.
Wait, you're not out at Wal-Mart getting one of those new HD radios right now, are you?
"NO!" the young owl king tried to whisper, "I don't want an HD radio! Stop bugging me! Moreover, stop guilt-tripping me!"
I rolled my eyes. Coryn likes to spend his free time responding to advertisements.
"Turn off your phone, Coryn," I demanded.
"Ya hear him, hon'?" Eglantine chipped in, sounding, for once, like the drag queen she is, "turn off your mother-frinkin' phone."
Coryn turned off his phone, after a quick, "For everything else, there's Ga'Hoolian Airlines, you mean…not Mastercard, whatever the frink that is…" The young king sits down, finally snaps his phone shut, and tells me, "I'm taking song requests, you know. So when I get my job, I can sing for you guys."
He hadn't read the job description either.
I mean, is it that hard to find a motherfrinkin' busboy around here?
"Sorry," I reply, "I only want a busboy as of right now. If you want the job, you might want to start practicing hustling nest maids out of a room with plates on their backs."
Eglantine suddenly seemed alert, "Ooh! I want to do that! I've always wanted to mate with a nest maid! I want the job! I want the job! I want –"
She was cut short by Kludd's bulldozer rampaging through the office.
Bubo is edging away, backed by Nyra.
"Will you stop following us around, Kludd? First you try to dive-bomb Bubo's balls, then you stalk my precious muffin!" The nun screeched, "Do I have to file a restraining order on your ass?"
Soren, now thoroughly confused, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SUE! I DON'T WANT –"
"Soren, you're not a sue, you're a stu because you're a boy," Digger explained. His wing was now oozing a strange brown color, instead of blood.
Perhaps he should cut down on the drugs.
"BUT I'M NOT A STU EITHER!"
Coryn started to croon:
Don't care, what they think But nobody knows you like I do I cant stop, cant fight, cant resist it Getting tired, of hearing that They're never gonna take me away from you
How they feel, or what they say
You're everything, I never knew
I always wanted, baby
I've been warned, so many times
They tell me I've ignored the signs
The only one for me is you
When the wrong one loves you right
(oh-oh-oh-oh-yeah)
Cant run - cant hide - cant say no
When the wrong ones loves you right
(oh-oh-oh oh)
When the wrong ones loves you right
You're dangerous, but they wont stop
Until I leave, they wont believe
That being with you wont break my heart
So worried bout, the road ahead
They cant see that, you're my best friend
There's nothing they can do
Nunny was stripping along, her body gyrating in weird movements…
That Kludd must have perceived as sexy, because he was suddenly drooling at the corners of his beak.
I cant stop, cant fight, cant resist it How can I walk away I cant stop, cant fight, cant resist it I cant stop, cant fight, cant resist it
When the wrong one loves you right
(oh-oh-oh-oh-yeah)
Cant run - cant hide - cant say no
When the wrong ones loves you right
(oh-oh-oh oh)
When the wrong ones loves you right
When the feelings so strong
I know you're where I belong
They say I let my heart
Make up my mind
That's why Ill never say goodbye
When the wrong one loves you right
(oh-oh-oh-oh-yeah)
Cant run - cant hide - cant say no
When the wrong ones loves you right
(oh-oh-oh oh)
When the wrong ones loves you right
When the wrong one loves you right
(oh-oh-oh-oh-yeah)
Cant run - cant hide - cant say no
When the wrong ones loves you right
(oh-oh-oh oh)
When the wrong ones loves you right…
Soren was upset by the sudden song, "So are you saying I'm a sue?"
Now, this was getting overboard.
"SHUT THE HAG UP!" I roared, "EVERYONE, OUT…OUT!"
"Jobs will be posted next week," Gylfie chirped, once again absorbed in her perverted magazine.
I groaned, and started to pick up my paperclips.
A/N: I don't believe this is a great chapter on my part. I tried not to copy too many jokes from other people. As for the song? I just had it in my head, y'know? And since Twilight's at the orthodontist right now, I decided to have dear Porny here fill in.
PLEASE REVIEW! IT'LL REALLY MAKE MY DAY!
However, no flamers. I remain solid on this.
And, I will not update unless I get at least three reviews (my own reviews don't count, and I find it funny that sometimes I review for myself at all...)
