Chapter One! Hinata vs. the Bluish French Horn!

"Is this really the first chapter?"

Neji and Lee were dressed as Barnacle Boy and Mermaid Man, respectively.

"And why do I have to be Barnacle Boy?"

"The conch decided our fate!"

Lee slapped Neji with a giant paper fan who keeled over. He even had swirly eyeballs as an indicator he got knocked the fuck out.

"You got knocked the fuck out," Orochimaru shouted. He started poking Neji with a stick. And not just any stick! It was the stick!

"What is the stick?" Tenten asked quizzically.

Oh, hey, Tenten.

"Hey, RZM."

Tenten was added to the adventure, mainly because she was hoarding things. Because Lee and Neji were Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, respectively in case you the dear reader forgot in an instant- oh, shiny! I found a nickel! Anyway, Tenten decided to follow the duo's theme. And their shenanigans.

"Places, everyone! And... action!" Hinata snaps the clapperboard shut before sitting on the director's seat. She even had a fancy beatnik beret and everything. She was seriously serious.

"Wait, I thought this was about Hinata?" Kurenai asked. Zombie Asuma just shrugged as the scene played out.

"I just don't understand how a world that makes such wonderful things... could be bad..." Tenten pondered in her underwater grotto.

"Why do I have to be the crab?" Neji groaned. He was dressed up as Sebastian. Normally Lee would be Flounder but today is not the case. That role went to Orochimaru.

"Look at this stuff, isn't it neat? Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?" Tenten sang and she sang horribly. It brought tears to everyone's eyes nonetheless.

"Nothing that auto-tune can't fix," Shikamaru commented lazily. Temari smacks Shikamaru so hard across the face, he collided into Nagato. He blushed truly, madly and deeply in various shades of red. This inspired him to write an erotic novel appropriately dubbed 50 Shades of Pain.

"S-senpai..." Temari stuttered. She wiggled her body shyly like most moe girls do in anime.

"YOU CAN DO THIS, TENTEN!" Might Guy cheered as his tears flowed down his face like the Niagara bursting for the first time. "YOU HAVE THE POWER OF YOUTH!"

"GUY SENSEI!" Lee mimicked. Gai (yeah, I'm going to spell their names with both variations because I am here to displease you all; for those who don't know, Gai is Guy and Pain is Pein- also, water is wet) and Lee were dressed as the Bananas in Pajamas duo.

"Bananas! In pajamas! Are walking down the stairs!" Guy and Lee marched in cadence around the set as Shino shook maracas to dramatize.

"Up where they walk! Up where they run! Up where they stay all day in the Sun!" Tenten reached out towards a light bulb, her eyes twitching. Hinata's eyes began to swell with tears as she bit her lip. Tenten floated listlessly down but her wire team failed- it was Choji who was currently paying attention to BBQ flavored chips- causing Tenten to plummet harshly on Orochimaru. The Sannin was immediately dispatched and Kabuto did the hokey pokey before turning himself about.

But at the end of the day... could you really blame him? I mean, they were BBQ flavored!

"So... beautiful!" Hinata applauded. "Encore! Encore!"

"Does this mean we can go home now?" Neji asked hopefully.

"Oh, come on, Neji! The fun is just getting started!" Ino beamed a smile his way. Neji just scowled but then he raised an eyebrow. Ino's smile went from heartwarming to maniacal, as if she just had 400 cups of espresso. She even began vibrating so hard that she phased into invisibility.

"Science." Neil DeGrasse Tyson gave a thumbs up.

"No, I didn't," Neil argued.

YES, YOU DID!

"Ow... I think I broke something..." Tenten pulled something from under her butt, which was a blue French horn.

"Be... our... guest! Be our guest! Put our service to the test!" the horn sang. "HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"

Hinata placed the blue French horn in the middle of a badly drawn pentagram. She even sacrificed a goat in the middle. "Summoning Jutsu!"

"When did Hinata learn that?" Tenten asked.

"I'm more terrified of what she'll summon instead of knowing she can summon," Kakashi quipped.

"At least you're the normal... one..." Neji began but realized Kakashi was dressed as a ballerina. "I'm beginning to wonder if RZM has been watching the Rock Lee spin off lately."

"I have a spin off? What happened to my spin on!" Neji stared at Lee blankly. No, not because of what he said but because he was still a Banana in Pajamas. Both resumed their focus on Hinata who just summoned something.

"You've got to be kidding me." Kiba blinked as Akamaru whimpered. "I could have saved more money on my life insurance if I just switched to Geico! I told you, Akamaru!"

"Is that who I think it is?" Tenten blinked.

"With your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!" Hinata proceeded to give him an uppercut.

"SHORYUKEN!" she screamed in fury. Captain Planet went flying through the roof. She descended lithely on the ground but the ceiling was torn open. "No... it cannot be!"

"You have activated my trap card!" It was Hiruzen atop of the Blue Eyes Wide Dragon. Yeah, Hiruzen kept overfeeding it so now it's fatter than your mother. "It's time to da-da-da-da-du-du-du-du-du-duel!"

"Fair play! But now I summon the Black Luster Soldier!" Hinata propelled herself into the air, did a somersault, high-fived Lady Tsunade's bosom and transformed into Sailor Moon before crashing down next to her summon. Who was Killer B.

"That's kind of racist." Neji, Lee and Tenten glared at RZM.

Everyone is a little bit racist.

"Well, you're a little bit, too!" Shizune and Anko sang in their inebriated stupor. They were drunk off of that giuchie giuchie yaya dada.

"ME MOCHA CHOCALATA YAYA! CREOLE LADY MARMALADE!" Killer B sashayed down a catwalk towards Hiruzen and the Blue Eyes Obese Dragon. It died from a heart attack. Hiruzen's jaw dropped.

"Wait, wait, wait! I thought this story was about Hinata?" Tenten suddenly asked.

"Hey, that's what I said." Kurenai frowned. Zombie Asuna began dancing to Thriller; only, the song was playing in his head so he pretty much looked stupid.

Fine.

The scene changes to Hinata strolling leisurely through Konoha. She was dressed in a yellow dress that looked incredibly familiar and showed over her ample cleavage. Sakura frowned. But don't worry, Sakura, somewhere out there... someone is reading this and is most likely thinking, "Flat is justice!" GTFO.

"Little town... it's a quiet village..." Hinata began singing. Her voice was so ethereal that it brought Paul Walker from the dead only to die again by watching continuous reruns of Tokyo Drift.

"We have copyrights, right? Right?" Tenten nervously bit on her fingernails. Neji sighs. Lee blushes because Guy was blushing because Kakashi was blushing because of Gamabunta's undulating midsection.

"Everyday... like the one before! Little town! Full of little people! Waking up to say..." Hinata stops and everyone started appearing out of nowhere.

"Bonjour!" Jiraiya popped out of the women's bath house. It was infested with old women, though. I mean, it makes sense. It's called Raisingan. He just assumed it was a typo for Rasengan.

"It's ohayo, you traitor!" Kankuro threw his geta at him.

"Ohayo!" Temari greeted from Shikamaru's bedroom wearing only her bra and panties.

"Ohayo!" Itachi appeared from the sewers alongside a frowning Madara. He secretly wanted to be Belle.

"Ohayo!" Sasuke and Sai sang, their arms linked together as they performed a line dance.

"Yeah, this sounds awkward." Neji pinched the bridge of his nose. "But I am already in my pajamas." Evidently, Lee convinced him that wearing pajamas is healthy for you. And it is.

"There goes the baker with his tray like always! The same old bread and rolls to sell! Every morning just the same! Since the morning that we came! To this poor provincial town!" Hinata sang, bobbing her head before she accidentally collides with a telephone pole. Who was the baker you ask? Well, it was Orochimaru. What? Bad guys have hobbies, too, you know! Kisame nodded his head in agreement. He does ballet in his spare time.

"I somehow find... you and I... collide..." Konan was the telephone pole. She looked away shyly, blushing a deep shade of red.

"Right from the moment when I met her, saw her! I said she's gorgeous and I fell!" Hanabi began singing. "Wait, am I too early?"

"THERE MUST BE MORE THAN THIS PROVINCIAL LIFE!" Hinata began spinning with a sheep which was understandably frightened.

"JUST WATCH I'M GOING TO MAKE... a sandwich." Hanabi got bored and let everyone continue their magic.

"It's a pity and a sin! Because she doesn't quite fit in! She really is a funny girl! A beauty but a funny girl! She really is a funny girl!" The entire Naruto cast and crew were amassing behind Hinata as she skipped jovially to a hentai store.

"Don't finish all of the dip, Lee!" Neji, Lee and Tenten were sitting on a rooftop as the crowd mustered a chorus. They had snacks.

"What the heeeeeeell!" Fin.

"That was fun! But what does this have to do with a blue French horn?" Tenten asked.

"Well, I'm glad you asked, Lee." Gai chuckled. His teeth sparkled but nobody noticed it because he had pieces of potato chips in between his teeth.

"But I didn't say any-" Lee started but it was quickly drowned out.

"You see... Hinata is the blue French horn." Guy looked at the setting Sun. "Huh, weird. It's only lunchtime."

"What do you mean, Guy Sensei?" Neji spat out a few crumbs of Oreos. He looked like a chipmunk.

"The blue French horn is her destiny..." Guy jumped into the air, abandoning his students with a Chinese proverb. Tenten picked up the note.

"What does it say?" Lee and Neji stood either side of her.

"Go to bed with itchy butt, wake up with smelly finger." Tenten, Lee and Neji gasped. They all smelled their fingers.

In the Hokage's office...

"Eat my blue waffle!" Lady Tsunade commanded her zombified lover Dan. Indeed, she was waving a blue waffle. "I made it with real blueberries!"

Where is Naruto you might ask? You weren't? Okay, good.

"Huh..." Naruto moaned groggily. He looked at his clock and realized he overslept. "Oh crap! I'm late! I'm late! I'm late for a very important date! No time to say hello, goodbye! I'm late, I'm late, I'm late!"

"Who's that kid?" Minato squinted his eyes as Naruto sprinted in the distance. Kushina shrugged and lit up a joint. Minato was eating hash brownies.

They were stoned.

Cue X-Files theme.

Next time on HIMYK!

Chapter Two! Hinata and the Falcon Punch!