A/N: Here is an update because my personal life has gone to hell and I felt like writing something sad and emotionally destructive. Please enjoy.
My Love,
It has been two months since I have left the London Institute. It has been two months since I have last seen our children. Heard them laughing, giggling...crying for you. It has been two months since I have been Tessa Herondale. It has been two months since I have last seen you. And each night I can feel my heart breaking for you all over again. Each night I cry and scream and beg for a release-a way for you to hear me. To be with me. Being without you is slowly killing me. I fear I will never be whole again. Whenever I close my eyes, I see you lying there looking peaceful and still. Unbreathing.
Currently I reside in the countryside on the outskirts of Paris. I do not know why, but the countryside calls to me. It aides me with the loneliness. If only for a temporary reprieve. A distraction from the life I once knew. You loved the wide open spaces and the freedom. Perhaps this is you giving me a sign.
Remember the time we took a train to Paris. You and I walked through the city streets hand in hand, no glamours to hide us. It was just you and me. Us. Together.
I fear we will never be together again. I fear I will no longer contain the same happiness strolling through the city. Which is why...which is why I refused to reside within the city walls. Paris will never contain the same love for me.
Magnus is doing well. I believe he and Camille are together once again. However, I cannot be so sure. You know how he is. You always were his favorite. He has taken your passing extremely well, although every now and again I know he is missing you. You, your sarcastic wit, your love of books, your black tousled hair. Your grinning smile. Just thinking of you is bringing tears to my eyes.
I-
Every day is a struggle. Without you I mean. I know we have spoken of my life without you-when you are gone-once you are gone. It is simply strange to think all of that talking has gone to waste. Here I am, sitting in an empty house in the countryside, thinking of what we would be doing. You'd be sitting by the fire in the library, book in hand, with me sitting on your lap, watching the light of the fire reflecting in your eyes. I can still remember how those blue eyes gazed intently at the words on the pages. Your crooked smile at the letters on the yellowed pages. Our children shouting in the background.
I miss that. I miss you.
Magnus says your passing will get easier with time. At the present moment I cannot help but believe he is wrong. These tearstains on the pages in this journal are proof.
I'm sorry my love. I am so sorry we had to end up like this. It is not fair. I know if you were here, you'd take your fingers and press them against my lips, your own twisting in a sad smile. I swear by the Angel what I'd do to get one more moment like that back before you went and left me alone.
I felt so useless there. Our children no longer needed us, nor our grandchildren. There is nothing left of me there. Sadly I must move on.
In other news, this is the farthest I have been since we have met each other. It feels...wrong. To be so far, yet knowing you are no longer with me. I wish I could undo my immortality. Magnus was not wrong when he told us it is a curse. Oh, what a life to live...forever and yet never at the same time.
I must stop for now. I fear if I continue it will only bring more tears and heartache.
Please know I love you...wherever you are, wherever you may be. I love you Will.
All my love,
Tessa
