RED BALLOONS

CHAPTER TWO

We got another call about a problem down in the porn area. We took off running and I followed Starsky. The chase was useless because of me.

Well I fucked it up. Starsky and me had a real shot at apprehending the guys involved in all the mayhem down here. We took off after them into an alley. They dove for cover and started shooting. All of the sudden I froze. I couldn't think past how scared I was. Starsky did what he does best and I should have followed and been available. But I hid. It might have looked like I was taking cover until my partner and I figured out who would go where. But I was damn scared. I crouched behind those boxes and I couldn't move. My heart was pounding in my ears and I just wanted to puke. Gillian. All I could think about was her sweet, sexy smile and I couldn't see anything else. My heart hurt for fear that I would die and never see her beautiful eyes or feel her hands on my skin again. Starsky's voice was a long way off and I couldn't see because of the sweat running down into my eyes. But something broke through and I knew my partner needed me.

But we were too late. We, or rather,I, hesitated too long and they took advantage of indecision. They went out shooting and made a break for it.

Starsky tried to be understanding. Particularly when he saw that I was sitting on the ground, holding my gun, my head down. I couldn't stop my hands from shaking.

"Hey, your shaking." The words cut like a knife through me. He was offering me his kindness, his understanding. But damn, those words hurt.

"I didn't work the way we work. I didn't f-f-follow up like we do Starsk!" There's that stupid stutter. Only when I'm really stressed and scared does that childish stutter appear. I wanted the alley to swallow me up whole and save me from the supportive, caring look Starsky offered.

We walked out of that alley together but I knew Starsky was ready to jump on me about how I'd screwed up. I deserved it. I didn't understand it myself. The first time I'd ever not been able to do my job. Was Gillian so much a part of me that I put her in front of my partner? Did I want to protect myself so much that...

"So what happened back there?" I looked up and was surprised to find myself sitting in the Torino and Starsky was staring at me. He looked at me like it was the second time he'd asked me that question. The blue in his eyes was a dark navy color. I knew that meant he was mad.

"Sorry. I let my mind wander and all of the sudden, I couldn't move. I was afraid I'd get hurt. That's bullshit! I could've got you in real trouble."

Starsky leaned toward me and put his hand on my knee. I flinched because I knew I didn't deserve such understanding. He should be knocking my block off about now. But not Starsky. He understood even if I didn't.

"It's okay Hutch. Nothing happened. Nothing bad could ever happen to us. You pulled your head outta your ass in time. But we'll catch those goons another time. Just keep yourself focused on me and we'll both be okay. But remember, you got two lives you have to balance pal. When you're with me, you're mine. When you're with Gillian, you're hers. That's all I'm saying."

Starsky moved his hand back to the ignition and turned the key. He didn't say another word until we got to the station.

Meanwhile, I'm still shaking and I just want Starsky to yell, scream, hell even hit me for being so stupid. We are partners. We watch each other's back. But I didn't this time. Starsky could have been injured or killed. Hell, I could have been injured. I put us both in danger.

We make our way back to the precinct. Starsky is unusually quiet the whole way there. He keeps looking over at me but I just stare out the window. I feel his eyes on me but I don't deserve the contact he's willing to offer. We pull into the parking garage and Starsky turns the engine off. Seconds turn into longer when he doesn't move and I still can't bear to look at him. I haul myself out and suddenly, over the hood of the car, his eyes grab me and I'm forced to meet his gaze. I know I won't like what I see there but I can't look away. There is a mixture of disappointment and sadness staring back at me. I understand the disappointment but the sadness? Why do I detect that he feels sorry for me?

In the white room, a series of red balloons burst. No one believes or understands the meaning.