Kana:P (giggles) oh, I could spend my time so many other profitable ways – but I don't wanna. Yay for more sadistic Alucard… and Shadow-kun's gonna murder me. (Completely avoids the History homework due in two days with a chasse)

(Wipes forehead) I'm so happy people like this. I was afraid everyone would be like: YOU MADE AN OC! YOU MUST BE FLAMED INTO OBLIVION! But people like it – that makes my day for some reason.

Disclaimer: Can you say 'Law Suits?' Well, I can, and I don't want one, so I'm going to make it clear; I DON'T OWN HELLSING! (Emo face) why make me suffer?

OOOOO

Fortune

Chapter Two: Talking 'Turkey'

OOOOO

My scream pierced the air for all of three milliseconds. The vampire scowled and slapped a cold, thin hand over my mouth, pushing me to the floor so hard my back was pressing against the cement. I'd just noticed his hands were covered with white gloves, pentacles designing the tops. My eyes were about to pop out of my skull as he brought his other finger to his lips – he was telling me to shut up.

"You wouldn't want the rest of your family to know about me so soon, do you Master?" He whispered, as if my family was right next to us instead of above us through a solid ceiling of wood. I heard the clinking of plates and silver wear; they were setting the table for supper – that must have meant it was almost seven o'clock. I had been down here for almost an hour.

I made a muffled noise against his hand, so he removed it to allow me to speak, but his palm hovered, ready to cover my mouth in case I screamed again.

"My family will be coming down to check on me," I said as equally soft – not because I feared we would be heard, but because I was about to burst into tears from fear. "If you kill me you'll never get out of here alive. The paranoid idiots always have garlic somewhere." I rolled my eyes despite my fear. I think my dad stuffed it up a special, private place.

He chuckled, propping himself up with an elbow, the bone pressing hard on my clavicle. "I doubt your family would be able to slaughter me with garlic and a wooden stake. If I wished to kill you, I would have done it by now and already be out in the night." His eyes flickered in amusement when I swallowed thickly. "But I cannot, Master."

What is with the 'master?' I thought, gagging slightly. "Well…if you're not going to kill me, can you get off? I can't breathe."

The vampire smirked but obliged, swiftly removing his chest from mine. I heaved a deep sigh and sat up, looking at him. He had found a position sitting cross-legged next to me – well I hope he's comfyHis hands found the dark fedora and placed it on his head for a moment, as if to get the feel of it again. Then it was off, settled in his lap.

I was the first to speak, since the vampire was apparently content with freaking me out by just staring at me. He kind of looked…disappointed…

He frowned in absolute seriousness. "Why do none of my Master's ever go into hysterical fear when I reveal myself?" He got a 'far-far-away-in-Never-Never-Land' look. "That'd be fun…" He nodded his head to no one in particular.

I cocked my head, again, the 'master'. "Who are you?" I asked, standing.

The vampire snapped back into reality, making my stomach drop into my butt when he gave me a predatory smile. It took him all of two seconds to get up and make me back into a wall, his nose almost touching mine. He had to hunch forward to meet my gaze – damn he was tall.

"I am your servant, you are my Master. I am the Hellsing family pet, the Nosferatu, the undead, the No-Life King." He said to me, his white teeth so close to my face I could hear them clicking together. The fangs were especially chilling. "I am Alucard."

Where have I heard that before? I thought.

OOOOO

"Where's Fae? Dinner's almost ready."

"Probably still looking through those rotting antiques."

"They belonged to your…second cousin?"

"Yeah…Integral somethin' somethin' Hellsing. I heard she was a real ice bitch over in England – relations with the Queen and everything."

"Even so, she had the generosity to practically ship her house to us –."

"Only because we're the only living relatives left and she probably didn't want to government taking her things."

"Enough! Go get Fae!"

OOOOO

"So-o…you're a vampire."

"Obviously."

"And you're supposed to serve the Hellsing family heir – which is me."

"You catch on quite quickly."

"And my second cousin – this Integra – made me the heir."

"Damn you're sharp."

I narrowed my eyes; my patience was stretched thin-thin from his sarcasm and cynicism. Every time I asked a question or tried to make something clear he slapped me with his sharp tongue (metaphorically of course, but it would make an interesting picture if it was literally). "If you don't shut up I'm going to nail you into your coffin for good."

Alucard made a mocking face. "Oooo, I'm so scared," He whispered, wrinkling his nose. "Don't send me to my room, Master."

Oh, I'm so gonna have to kick his ass later on, I thought, glaring at him. My glares were worth squat though, and they shot fluffy – but rabid – bunnies instead of daggers. But I had a shovel on hand, which seemed to piss him off.

After explaining everything to me…three times, both of us settling into a comfortable position on the floor, Alucard had donned the hat again, this time permanently, which looked ridiculous with the straightjacket he was in. He had also taken the glass box of specs from me, and was fingering them in his lap. He seemed to be attached to the tinted pair.

"So…you going to tell your family, or do I get to sleep some more?" Alucard rolled a shoulder, popping it stridently.

"I…don't know," I could see it now – there would be pandemonium for about ten seconds, then grandma would hold him down as my six-year-old cousin stabbed him repeatedly with Baby's First Wooden Stake… "They wouldn't be too approving…"

The vampire prodded behind one of his fangs with a tongue. "I should think so; all Hellsings are taught to hate vampires – even when they're not entirely sure they're real. Obviously you were…cut off from the rest of the family." His words hurt.

"We weren't…cut off," I bristled, clenching my jaw to tight my back teeth wiggled. "My grandmother just came to America."

"She was shunned."

"She wanted to quench her curiosity."

"Least she didn't become a drunken – uck!"

I had grabbed the shovel and stood before he could say anything else, hitting him so hard off the back of the head with it he lurched forward, the back of his skull caving in slightly. Blood ran down his neck.

"You're a violent little wanker, aren't you?" he murmured, rubbing the cracked skull until it healed. "You probably lose a lot of friends that way, huh?" he ran a hand along the back of his neck, his palm coming away soaked with blood.

"Only the ones that talk shit about my family." I growled, my knuckles white from clutching the shovel as he licked the blood from his hand happily, as if it was the best treat he'd had in ages – it probably was. "Speaking of my family…" I propped the shovel against a crate. The noises coming from upstairs were getting louder – more commotion meant dinner was only minutes away (and I suspected I was so hungry my stomach was sticking to my spine).

"So…you're not going to tell them…?" Alucard looked like Christmas had come…twice in one day. "But you do realize I'm meant to serve the Hellsing Organization?" he steepled his fingers like an impish TV villain, sneering at me. How many times was I going to have to beat him with a shovel to get him to respect me?

"Guess what? There is no Hellsing Organization anymore." I reveled in the slight widening of his eyes – the only trace of surprise he allowed me to see. "It ended with the death of you other Master."

"No vampire attacks?"

"None."

"No undead ghouls?"

"Zilch."

"No corrupt priests?"

"Nein."

If it was possible, Alucard paled even more. I sort of felt sorry for him; without the Organization he rambled to me about, he had no purpose, no reason for him to be around. I'd never felt unwanted before – I lived with a family that always needed to be active, so I always had something to do. And if anything was to be said about his personality, if he wasn't wanted around, he would have definitely been told about it.

The poor egotistical bastard.

"I'll find something for you to do," I scoffed, crossing my arms as he stood. "Like…a private minder or something…"

This just seemed to sour his mood. "I'm not a bodyguard, I'm an assassin." His left eye twitched ever so slightly. It satisfied me somehow when I irked him.

"Well unless you want to be the creepy man on the porch that kills squirrels with a shotgun, you'll accept my suggestions and like it – Servant." I could get used to this…

Alucard made a face like he'd smelt something bad. "Maybe you'll get attacked by a hoard of ghouls sometime in the near future…"

"That's the spirit."

"Fae!" my mother's sharp scream pierced the air like cold iron.

I jumped at least a foot in the air, my hair almost standing on end. But that phenomenon was saved for Alucard's mane, which seemed to have a life of its own. I looked around frantically, seeing a large splotch of harsh light from the upper floor at the foot of the stairs that were so far…far away…in a saner world.

"What!?" Yup, that was my family, the crazy British people on the street that communicated with a series of harsh screams, sharp insults, and the occasional leather shoe to the head. I looked at Alucard, who had stopped breathing momentarily and had become rigid as a…very pale board.

"Dinner!" a loud bang signaled that she had slammed the door shut. I had about five minutes to drag my butt up there before someone came down here to do it for me.

Then I started to freak out. "Okay! You stay down here until I work up an excuse and get away."

Alucard snorted. "It'll be suspicious if you come down here again. Isn't there someplace I could meet you later on that's not suspicious?"

I thought about it. Every Christmas the entire family (at least, the ones that showed up) stayed at my grandmother's house. The younger cousins – all ten of them: ages six to thirteen – shared the living room, dining room, and the study, their sleeping bags all scattered around the first floor like colorful weeds. The adults and the three eldest – me plus another fifteen year old and a seventeen year old – had the guest rooms. I hadn't had to share a room with anybody since I was fourteen, and it really was coming in handy.

"Yeah…the second floor," I began, biting my lip. "The third door from the right of the staircase. I'll be there after dinner."

"A bedroom," Alucard grinned. "I'll bring my coffin."

"Oh, that's not suspicious at all." I rolled my eyes. "A giant wooden coffin in my bedroom? My family will be peachy with that."

OOOOO

"Fae, why are you so jumpy?"

At that comment…I, well…jumped. I was wound tighter than a Superball – one little nudge and I would be off, bouncing off the walls in hysteria.

I tried to smile, but it was more of a grimace. My heart was beating so fast I expected it to burst from my chest and mingle with the half-eaten food on my plate. "I'm fine…just a little tired," yeah, that's believable. "May I be excused?"

"Not yet," My grandmother snapped as harshly as she could – it didn't really work. "It's only been fifteen minutes; you've barely eaten."

Those supposed fifteen minutes felt like an hour. I kept expecting Alucard to burst from the wall and kill us all. Or at least scare poor Dracula to death – that seemed more like him. I stared down at my plate, pushing the potatoes and half-eaten meat-thing into a sort of mush. I had been hungry a while ago, but now I was sick to my stomach.

Why so scared, Master?

"Shit!" I screamed as a sudden chuckling voice vibrated right between my ears, making me topple out of my seat and onto the floor, finding that the carpet was quite uncomfortable. I looked up, seeing twenty-odd faces staring at me.

"Are you sure you're alright?" one of the younger cousins asked, blinking.

There was a bit of a fuss as I reached my feet. "I guess it's been a long day," I murmured, blushing so hard it felt like my face was about to explode like an orange under a tire. "I'm just tired…please may I be excused?"

Out of pure sympathy for my poor profanely exhausted behind, my family nodded simultaneously. So I dragged myself off the floor, my stomach curling in on itself and freezing when a petrified squeal broke through the silence.

"There's a man in my room!"

Ah fuck I thought as my older sister barreled down the stairs, her face as white as who I figured had been in her room.

Oops, I heard Alucard mutter inside my head. Wrong room.

You're so dead I thought, wondering how the hell I could be speaking to him telepathically. The world's been flipped upside down and then beaten with the Almighty Stick of Profound Oddity.

I already am…

Oh shut up.

OOOOO

"How the hell could you go into the wrong room?" I snapped at the vampire, my words making him wince slightly.

"I guess I'm still a little confused with my rights and lefts after so long." Alucard sat on his coffin, drawing little patterns in the dust on the lid. He frowned at the layer of grime that came away on his finger. "No respect…"

I looked at him. Where did he find all those clothes? I thought, utterly bewildered.

Alucard had somehow found a giant red coat and put it over a black waistcoat and white silk shirt. The waistcoat's buttons shined golden as a red cravat brushed the tops of the highest ones. The ridiculous red fedora and orange sunglasses made him look…well…

"Hey, Pimpin' President Washington, where'd you find those?"

He looked at me haughtily over the sunglasses. "In the various trunks. I'm relieved that they didn't throw away my clothes."

One of my eyebrows arched. "I guess a bloody Colonial Jackson is a step up from Hannibal the Cannibal."

"She must have thought I was Father Christmas." Alucard looked pretty damn proud of himself.

"Yeah, a homicidal, pedophiliac, anorexic Santa Claus." I scoffed, trying to imagine Alucard with a fake beard and puffy red suit. It sort of hurt my eyes…

Then I noticed where exactly his coffin was.

"Why is it in plain sight!?" I cried, pointing wildly at the black coffin. It was at the foot of my bed, its lid as clear as day on the cream colored carpet.

"No its not," Alucard used his foot and slid the coffin under the dark blue bed, the casket fitting perfectly as the bed's skirt settled back into place. "See? That's the safest place for it. If it was in the basement your family would be more likely to come across it."

"But…it's…where I sleep…" I had a spasm like someone with a million spiders on them. "I don't want you in the same room as me!" I squealed.

Alucard chuckled wickedly. "But Master, where is the best place for me to protect you if it's not in the same room as you?" he took off his coat, hat, and sunglasses, stuffing them under the bed haphazardly. Oh, is that how the battle is waged – vampires fight dirty, don't they?

I sighed, sitting on the bed as Alucard wiggled his way under the bed. I felt like I'd been moving around all day. My fingers and toes were stuff from the chill in the house, so I shoved them under my arms. I wrinkled my nose, curling into a ball and shivering. My flannel pajamas were doing nothing for my poor limbs.

I felt Alucard somehow squeeze his way into his coffin under the bed, hearing the lid first clatter to the floor, and then slid into place. "Comfortable?" I asked, feeling ridiculous as I talked to the bed.

"Very." Alucard's reply was muffled by the coffin.

I carefully slid myself under the quilt, shaking slightly. How was I going to get to sleep with a freakin' vampire in my room?

Why don't I just tell my family? I thought, rubbing the pillow with my face. I pushed further to block out any sounds from downstairs. It'd be like introducing the Capulets to the Montagues; people would fight, there would be mentions of God, and in the end, the two heroes would die. I groaned, snuggling further under the comforter.

I had woken up this morning hoping to have a nice, normal Christmas, and then go to sleep with sugarplums dancing in my head...okay, those plums would only be induced if my grandmother put opium in my food, but you get the idea. But now I was going to sleep with crazy-ass, fedora-wearing, blood-licking vampire pimps under my bed.

God this was a weird Christmas.

OOOOO

I had a horrible dream that night.

I dreamt I was forever running in an endless hallway, and I knew that the only thing waiting for me at the end was a dark, bottomless room. I heard the screams of the dying and the wails of the mourning and gunshots and bones splintering and flesh tearing…

It was a melody of horror.

The air I was able to fill my lungs with made my chest burn. My muscles ached and all I wanted to do was die. And I didn't even know what I was running from.

"Master!" A rasping, malicious voice called from behind me. "Master!"

"No!" I screeched. "Leave me alone!"

A gun fired, and a searing pain ripped through my back. I stumbled, crumpling in a small, feeble heap.

"Heh, Master!" the voice lowered to a mocking, girlish squeak. "Master! Master! Do all the Hellsings believe everything they hear!?"

Another shot, and I was dead.

OOOOO

"Master…Master…" Someone was nudging me with all the demand and haste of a child. "Master…Master…Master!"

"What!?" I had originally been lying on my side with my back facing the edge of the bed. But now my hand came up as I turned onto my back, hitting whoever was looming over me in the face.

Alucard yelped, covering the eye that I'd poked and backing away. "Why do you keep hurting me?" he whined, rubbing away the red tears from his watering eyes.

"Because you were leering over me as I slept like some creepy old man!" I squawked, sitting up and looking around.

The only light in the entire room was a dim lamp near the door. The curtains were drawn so tight not even a sliver of sun was coming in; and I don't remember doing that. Even Alucard's face was hidden in shadow from the fedora's brim.

"You don't like the sun, do you?" I asked slyly, smirking.

"Not at all," Alucard seemed to grow smaller at the very thought of sun.

"Does it kill you?" I asked, wriggling my toes under the quilt.

"No," Alucard's sunglasses hid his eyes when they hit the light of the lamp. "But it does make me feel like I've been beaten with a red-hot poker."

"Lovely." My feet touched the carpet daintily, and it only took my sleep fogged brain a few seconds to realize Alucard was gone. "Where'd you go?" Bugger, he was probably planning my demise-by-fright.

"Fae?" My father's bright, Christmassy face was the first thing I saw before the world began to unwind. "Come down…what's that?"

I felt the blood rush out of my face as I looked at what he was staring at. A big…black…dog…on my bed…

The dog was panting innocently, looking like the product of a mastiff's and cocker spaniel's Saturday night. Its tongue lolled out the side of its mouth, its eyes half-lidded and lazy. Oh no, Alucard.

"Where'd that come from?" My father pointed at it.

The moment was so random, so weird…so damn against me, that the only thing I could say was:

"Can I keep him?"

OOOOO

Kana: If anyone's read Dracula, you know that the Count isn't killed in sunlight; he's just severely weakened to a mortal state. And that last bit was just plot development. I figured Fae was too high-strung and paranoid to keep the secret for so long, so I guess Alucard was like 'screw that' and used his cunning to make the family know…but not know…O.o (goes back to playing Fire Emblem)

Review Responses: (HOLY ----!!! (censored) Look at all those reviews… (dies))

Anony: (By the way, that name is so spiffy for some reason) … (blushes) You made my ego swell…O.o

Master of the Boot: O.o (gives you a giant cookie) I keep having daydreams about Harker beating Alucard with a shovel over and over and over and over

Harker: (swings shovel over his head) Die vile beast! Feel my gardening tool of DOOM!

Alucard: T-T (makes clanging sound as the shovel beats the crap out of him) Why me? (uses Walter as a shield)

(For some reason, your name amuses me too X3)

mslcat: I don't think Fae would do that – she's already skittish about Alucard as it is. But have no fear; I'm a fan of killing shit (snickers) and I think I'd be more like 'Dad…I found this thing in the basement…can we keep him? – I think he's house trained…'

VampireEgyptian: "Ooh, a Hellsing one now." What's THAT supposed to mean O.-

…Oh…that I write a lot…(sheepish) Oh sweetie, I just keep confusing you, don't I? No, actually…Integra's kinda…dead (ahem…Screams as she's attacked by a million rabid Integra fans) But I haven't decided about Seras… and her grandmother is just a daughter of Abraham – since…you know…he was a guy…in the eighteen hundreds…and he could have been busy…O.o Yes! They ARE lucky bitches! And DAMMIT! Why can't my stories be real? Why can't I make them real…why am I not GOD!? (gettin' a little weird there…)

Some of the reviews were too short for me to answer without making me feel repetitive, but I would like to thank:

starspawn07

ShinobiShinigami58

Lord Makura

Silverfox3220

little-hellsing

and

Rea

- for reviewing.

I like reviews (gets a dreamy look) In fact, the more I get, the faster I write)

So…REVIEW (please?)