Disclaimer: I own nothing, but the plot and a few charaters
Desperately Hoping: 2. Chapter
He didn't know why he was here. It had been so long since he stood right here, on this spot. There was only one day in the year, where he would visit her. The anniversary of the day she died. Any other day felt... it didn't feel right, it felt as if he had no right to come here. And maybe, he wasn't that wrong.
Sesshomaru went down on one of his knee, wiping away all the dust stainting the stone and tainting, what the stone was standing for. When all the filth was erased and the inscription was clearly visible to the day, his eyes roamed the letters.
Kimye, princess of the Eastern Lands, Lady of the Western Lands and daughter of the Sacred Isle. A dear friend, beloved daughter and a good mate.
A picture of benevolence.
~ Have you ever wondered which hurts the most?
Saying something and wishing you had not?
Or saying nothing and wishing you had? ~
With a finger, he traced each letter, from the beginning to the end. He can still remember the dispute between him and her father over her grave stone, it was after all the reason why the funeral had taken so long. Her father had wanted it to be grand and big and pompous. Sesshomaru knew that he had only wanted the best, for everyone to mourn for her death in every nation, North, East, South, West. But he also knew that this was not what she had wanted. She hated pomp, she hated big and great and all the other things. She never wanted the titles mentioned on her grave, just her name and her words, because that was all that mattered, just like she said.
Sesshomaru grimaced bitterly.
Yes, in so many ways she was different from the ladies from ther rank. No, she wasn't exactly shy, but... humble. Yes, this was the right word to describe her. His Kimye was satisfied with what she had, she liked it simple, she kept it simple and she was simple. This doesn't mean that she was uninteresting nor plain, for she was nothing if not gorgeous, magnificent and ethereal, in mind and appearance. Her smile shone with the magnitude of thousands of suns, no-, like thousands of moons. She always loved the moon. She could and would philosophize with him all day, if he had given her the time of the day, which he did not. But on those rare occasions, where he did listen to her, he would always be amazed by her words and her voice, which spoke out words that just left him stunned.
He loved her, her simpleness, her smile, her kindness and her spirit.
Again, his eyes flew across the words she had chosen for her death. Again, it was weird and yet so totally like her for those to be her last words. She had once told him, that it was her intention to show everyone that time was only limited, a gift borrowed from the nature and someday something to be given back. It should make people contemplate about their actions and really reflect on what they are doing. It was a sublime thought, like he said, it was so like her.
So noble, so philosophical and so naive.
The reality didn't look like that. Just one simple look at the gravure wouldn't change someone's life. They cannot understand this, they do no get the meaning behind her wise words nor do they realize how true they were. For them, they were just some pretty words, meant to be forgotten within the next step they are to take. They would never change...
Not, until it is too late.
For no one knew it better than him. Sesshomaru wondered, whether she had known what her words were causing or whether it was just the irony of fate. To have those mocking words forever engraved on the stone of his beloved, knowing this is what he had done wrong and that if it had not been him, this grave would not exist at all. One of the many reasons why he did not and could not visit her.
It just hurt too much.
Sesshomaru closed his eyes. Whenever he stood in front of her, he felt ashamed, knowing this was his fault. If he stood there, he couldn't help but imagining of sceneries of what could have been and should have been. A family to come home to, home as in its truest meaning, pups of them, seeing them grow and be strong, to do things he always wanted but never did. The wish for those sceneries to happen was great, but no matter how he wished and how much he hoped, how desperately, it wouldn't become reality. For they all involved her. And this thought was always followed by excruciating pain in the vicinity of his heart or supposed to be his heart.
He knew it was his fault, he was aware of this and-
"Sesshomaru, is it you?" said person looked up. No pain, no fragment of sorrow painted in his eyes. Only coldness.
"I thought it was you. There aren't many people who come here often, since it is so secluded." Sesshomaru watched the man in front of him. He had hardly changed, he was still the the proud, magnificent and yet gracious Lord of the Eastern Lands. The father of his deceased mate, making him his father-in-law. "What is it that brings you here? It is not her day of death and I wonder what could have shaken the high mighty Lord of the Western Lands so much that he seeks comfort and answers in front of the grave of my deceased daughter. I wonder is it the guilt the answer to my question or just the reason for his being here."
Maybe he did change a bit. He carried an aura of sadness around him and Sesshomaru could guess the reason why.
"Lord Masao."
"I am waiting for your answer."
"I have no obligation to you, therefore, I don't need to answer you."
"You may be Lord of the Western Lands, Sesshomaru, you may be one of the strongest daiyoukais, but you are still the pup I watched growing up, you are still the young foolish demon I let my daughter mate, although it can be argued about who the more foolish one was, you or me. You, for letting her go and me, for letting her go with you."
"I will by leaving now." Sessgomaru passed the elder youkai.
"Pay more respect to your elders, boy."
"I owe you nothing."
"Really, what about the life of my daughter. After all, wasn't it you, who had taken her from me?" Sesshomaru's eyes narrowed dangerously.
"Do not worry, if I had wanted to kill you, you wouldn't be standing here right now. But don't think I am doing this out of mercy, I am doing it for her. She had loved you, Kami knows you have not deserved it, but she would not have wanted for you to die, especially by my hand. But if you were ever to die, I would surely not be the one to raise a hand for you." Sesshomaru watched him throw a glance at the grave. "However, this may not be the best place to exchange such formalities... She hated disputes." he whispered.
"You know, Sesshomaru, another reason why I did not kill you is because of your mother. She is a dear friend of mine, as your father had been and let's just say, she had endured much even for her youkai life and I at least want to spare her from the pain of losing her only child. It is quite painful, trust me, I know what I am saying. And now, that we are talking about your mother... She is looking for you."
"Then I guess, I will seek her and see for what reason she is requesting my presence."
"You should treat your mother better. She sure deserved it and I would not like to see myself lose another person dear to me because of your negligence."
Lord Masao sighed and watched him leave. He had not changed much, sadly, but who was he to judge. There is no one in the world who really knew what was going on inside of him... well, there had been one. He turned back to the stone in the center of the lake.
"Why did it have to be you?" he asked into the nothingness.
He received no answer.
His conversation with his father-in-law just reminded him of the reason why he came to her grave.
It sounded so foolish, it was foolish, but in a way, he had hoped to find answers on her grave. Something he did rarely now.
Hoping.
He had long given up on that emotion, after a century of accepting the reality that she would not return to him. The world was cruel, just as he was. Hoping was an emotion that didn't belong to him anymore.
But fate proved him otherwise again.
When fate had thrown her into his life. The priestress and companion of his half-brother. The girl who resembled his deceased mate. He could still remember their first meeting, the moment when she stepped between him and his brother and defied him, the first person sinces centuries. The way she stood before him, proud, yet somehow fearful for his brother. Maybe it was the way she defied him or the way she did not fear him but for others, but for a moment, he had seen the image of Kimye in her.
At first, he hated her. He wanted to kill her for looking so much like his mate, no one deserved to be as beautiful as her. He didn't want to see her face, it was just another reminder to him. He thought the Gods hated him and this was the way to punish him, to torture him with someone, who resembled his love and knowing it was not her.
But in time, Sesshomaru learned that she did not only resemble her in her looks, but also in her personality. He had watched her from afar sometimes.
The more he watched her, the more his heart, which he deemed dead alongside his Kimiye, began to fill itself with hope. Or was he was just seeing what he wanted to see, an imagination rosen from his foolish hope in form of the human girl?
He would never know, not until he talked to her personally. He could hint at their, his and his mate's times together, see whether she has any memories or find other indications.
Sesshomaru looked up to the sky. He hadn't noticed up, but apparently, he had spent a lot of time in front of her grave. The moon was already rising on the night-sky and he should finally set out for their destination. He inhaled the scent of the forest, the fresh and natural scent of the forest, but there was something else. Something sweet was tingled with the nature's scent, the mere smell made his tongue prickle. It was as sweet was... flowers... but it wasn't normal flowers, which bloomed in the wilderness. It was something more special, it was... exceptional. Unique. More like a rare flower, which needed tenderness and special care. Like orchids or hibiscus.
Even her scent was the same.
Sesshomaru dashed away, lead by the sweet scent.
And there she was. Standing in the forest, in between trees with the moon letting her light shine on her. So much like her, in so many ways.
"Miko." She gasped and turned around.
"Sesshomaru-sama." she whispered.
"You appeared."
"I did." she fidgeted with the seam of her skirt, while looking down on the earth. "You sound surprised, that I did." She didn't know why, but somehow she couldn't look into his eyes. It didn't feel right. It was weird, actually she was never the kind of timid person, although the blame could also lie with him. After all, Kagome couldn't imagine that there are a lot of people who would not get intimidated by his person.
"And what is your view on this?"
"I have no reason not to..." he eyed her with a questioning look. "Okay, well, maybe I do have a few reasons why I should not. You are right. But I couldn't helpt it. I was curious, it isn't like I get every day the chance to talk with someone like you."
"What did you just say?"
"Ah, that-" She was frantically searching for words, but it was hard when her heart was racing at this pace. "I was curious. I mean, you said that you wanted to get some answers and I wanted to know, what it was, since I could not imagine what it is that I can answer or rather, what kind of answers I can give you, that-"
"I meant the last part."
"Which part?" she asked.
"It's not important." he said.
"Um, okay, just know that it wasn't meant to be an insult." Was it her or did the wind seemed to sound louder than it does in the daylight? She wondered how she always managed to get into such intricate affairs. She sighed, thinking of things she could say to penetrate the silence. Somehow, nothing came to her mind. The problem was that she didn't know him nor was she able to tell what kind of topics he was interested in. She raised her head in desperation, searching for an answer. The view which met her eyes, created a smile upon her lips.
"The moon is beautiful, isn't it." she sighed. "Whenever I feel... desperate or hopeless, I would look at it. Especially at nights, I feel often more lonely than in the day. I blame it on the darkening. It gives me the feeling to be more isolated, it beclouds our senses. But in a way, the night is, despite it's eerie atmosphere, is more beautiful compared to the day. The sun may be brighter, but that's all that is there. The moon penetrates the darkness and we appreciate more than the day, because it helps us to find our way through the dark night. It teaches us not to take anything for granted." She smiled and looked dreamily upon the firmament.
Sesshomaru watched her the while time during her speech. He had heard her words before, especially all of them together in one tune.
"But, that's just my opinion. So, what is it, that you wanted to talk with me about?" Somehow, after having pouring the words out of her heart, she felt lighter, freer.
"You are different."
"... Thank you?"
"You don't fit into the mass here, you don't seem to belong to them." Maybe she was too fast when it came to deeming his words as a compliment. She was so naive, how could she believe that Sesshomaru ever had nice words to say to her.
"The way you speak, the clothes you wear, they are different. Tell me, where is it that you are coming from?" he asked. "When was the day you were born on?"
"I... I am sorry, but I cannot answer your question." He narrowed his eyes slightly. "This is a very personal matter and I... my residence, the place I was born and raised in and which I call home, is something I have not even told my friends. I am sorry, but I can't answer your question."
Again, silence filled their surrounding. No one said anything. Kagome hoped that she didn't offend him in any way, slowly, she peeked at him. He didn't seem to notice, his eyes were glued on the silvery orb in the sky. Somehow... he looked sad. She couldn't understand this, why would anyone ever feel sad when seeing such a beautiful thing? What is it that had hurt him so much? What was he trying to hide? What was the cause for his bitterness?
"What is it?" he asked her with indifference in his voice.
"It's nothing..." she answered.
"Then, why do you say words which suit to neither your tone nor the expression you are wearing on your face?"
"Maybe... but what I am about to say is very... personal and I do not think that we know each other well enough to step past this step." Kagome knew that she had no right to ask him such questions, she wasn't his friend and if at all, she was his enemy.
"Hn..." This was such a predictable answer. It caused her to laugh.
"You know, this situation is so ... weird. It just seem insane to me. I mean, no offense, but on our first meeting you tried to kill me and I am the companion of your brother, who you hate with your every being. To talk to you is..." she giggled.
"I do agree. Our start wasn't the best."
"Then... maybe, we could start anew." Kagome smiled and offered her hand.
"I am Kagome, I am a normal human girl, except the fact that I am the Shikon Miko and am on a quest for the Shikin shards of the juwel, which I destroyed."
