Childhood Remembrances

Chapter 2: Sakura

I have never been a strong person.

I like being in large groups. I like attention and particularly being praised in front of others. I have never been good at handling criticism.

Before the age of nine I was in a civilian school. I was top of my class. I invited my friends to study with me and I am as good at teaching as I am at learning. My study sessions were very effective so everyone wanted to be my friend. There was the occasional whisper of 'teacher's pet' or 'nerd' but they would never dare to say it to my face. I was at the top of the pecking order.

When I turned nine, my parents were approached by representatives of the ninja academy. They always watch the civilian schools for students of above average intelligence. Even if a student never becomes a mission-active genin, the ninja academy is used as a pathway for training the multitude of clerks that work under the Hokage.

My parents are moderately successful merchants. They run a fairly small furniture store specializing in imported furniture. They have always wanted something better for their daughter. In a hidden village social advancement means becoming a ninja. It is certainly not the safest career choice but it is the most prestigious. And so my parents agreed to enter me into the ninja academy and I was given a scholarship.

The difference between the civilian schools and the ninja academy is tremendous, and not only due to the subjects taught. I had no clan name to give me immediate respect like many of the other students. I had no clan techniques to augment the basic instruction given. My parents could not give me supplemental training in even the most basic physical skills. There was also a difference in how disputes between students are settled. If an argument became a little more physical than it should have the teachers would generally turn a blind eye. After all, we were training to be ninja. I was at the top of the social order within my previous school and here I was at the very bottom.

The whole situation made me nervous and intimidated. For the first few weeks I tended to avoid the other students and hide whenever possible. I overheard some girls planning to meet at a nearby park and I decided that I would try to join them.

I was standing in the middle of the park's playground, watching for any of the girls in my class, when I suddenly found myself flat on my back. There next to me was a blonde boy with odd markings on his cheeks. I knew who Uzumaki Naruto was, of course; there were not many people in the village who had not heard of at least one of his pranks. Naruto, based on his reputation, was the type of person that I would never become friends with. A social outcast, practically a pariah in the village and especially among the ninja, and I was looking for exactly the opposite.

He scrambled to his feet and offered me a hand which I accepted along with his apology. It could have ended there; it should have ended there. But then he smiled at me.

I can count on one hand the number of times that one of my peers has actually smiled at me. Not a smile that meant 'Let me into your study group.' Not a smile that meant 'I want to be part of your clique.' Just a smile. Someone who was happy and wanted to share that happiness.

So when he turned away, about to sprint off, I called to him. "Wait!"

He turned back to me with a quizzical expression.

"I'm Haruno Sakura."

"Uzumaki Naruto," he offered with a slightly nervous grin. But that grin was not what I wanted.

"Want to play together?"

His nervousness changed to something akin to fear then. "I… don't know."

"Why not?" I asked. This encounter had not progressed at all like I expected. Given what people said about him, I had thought of him as almost a bully, boisterous and never taking other people into account. But his smile had told me differently. And now my curiosity had been aroused about this energetic boy who was acting so shyly. "We can be friends, right?"

He seemed to study me for a few seconds before answering. "But if your parents see us playing… they'll get mad at you and then you'll hate me." Naruto looked down at that point and his voice lowered. "Just like all the other kids do."

I did not like that at all. I had thought I could get him to smile for me again. I had thought it would be a simple task. But the boy that stood before me was not as simple as he seemed. I stared at him, thinking about social status, the other students of the ninja academy, and bright smiles.

"I won't hate you." The words escaped from my lips before I came to a conscious decision.

Naruto's head snapped up and he looked at me with one of the most vulnerable expressions I had ever seen. "You sure?"

I rarely do anything half-heartedly. So I decided to respond to him as enthusiastically as I could. "Yup! I promise! Pinky promise!" I held out my right hand with the pinky extended. "I'll never hate you! We'll be friends forever!"

"Okay!" he shouted as he clumsily entangled his pinky with my own. "Friends forever!" His previous smile had only been a hint of what this one was. I can never put into words exactly what that smile was like. It was a smile capable of changing a person.

We played that day and agreed to meet the next day after classes. Naruto was actually two years ahead of me in studies, having been entered into the ninja academy early, so I would not see him during lectures.

I thought that I would never regret my decision to be friends with Naruto.

But I have never been strong.

The next day was horrible. Three girls found us playing together on the swings. What they said is not important. The only thing that matters is that I… shattered. I could not take their insults. I ran. I abandoned Naruto. I made Naruto's smile dim. I could not forgive myself for that.

Ino found me that day and she helped a little. The next day she gave me a ribbon and that helped a little. Meeting some of the other girls -- who were not as mean as Ami and her cronies -- helped a little.

After the other girls had gone home, I searched for Naruto and found him where we first met.

"Sakura-chan!" He raced toward me as soon as he saw me, a smile on his face. But his smile was not as cheerful as it had been the day before. My tears returned and I could barely speak.

"I'm sorry…" I ran away.

"I couldn't find you yesterday. I was really worried!" He still was, I could see it in his eyes.

"I'm sorry…" I caused you pain.

"It's okay! What do you want to do today? Do you like ramen?" It was obvious that he had no idea what to do about the girl crying before him but he was trying his best.

"I can't…" stay by your side.

"Do… you hate me now?" His smile was gone, replaced by a loneliness so profound that I had to respond. I had to at least let him know that that was not the problem.

"No! I don't hate you." Not that. Never that. "I'm sorry…" I'm not strong enough. "I'm sorry…" I can't be your friend.

"Sakura-chan!" he called as I fled and I hoped that he would not chase me.

I avoided him after that. I now knew just how weak I was. I stayed with Ino where I was comfortable. Even as I excelled in my studies I stayed where I was safe because I could not protect myself let alone someone else.

At the end of the school year, Uchiha Sasuke came to my attention, having placed first in all subjects for first-year students. And again I became part of the crowd. I let myself fall in love with him like so many other of the young kunoichi. And it was easy to do. He is handsome, skilled, and his reserved demeanor makes him seem mature. After his family was killed in the middle of our second year his attitude changed to a brooding silence but that only gave him an additional air of mystery.

He never smiles.

Ino changed after I let my interest in Sasuke be known. But even our rivalry gives me a place to belong. It gives me the attention that I desire and in a way that no one will criticize. If anything, the other girls in our class are jealous of my relationship with Ino since she has always been the one that all the girls defer to.

Now, in our third year, Naruto still has not graduated and is part of our class.

I sometimes worry about whether he will graduate or not. He tries hard but he has a lot of problems with his chakra for some reason.

I sometimes worry about whether he should become a ninja or not. Shinobi rule number 25: a shinobi must never show emotions. I wonder if he will ever be able to learn to do that.

He approaches me continually, a smile on his face. Not the one that I saw two years ago but still a smile of joy. I know what he wants but I examine myself and know that I am not strong enough. I am no longer bothered by my looks but if someone like Ami disparaged me for being his friend I know what would happen. I would shatter again. I would run and hide again.

And his smile would dim again. I will never let that happen. I will never betray him again.

So I push him away and yell at him.

And I hope…

That someday I will be strong enough…

To be his friend again.