This is still the same day as his arrival and the permission granted by Lord Grantham.
I bet there are people out there who think, just like I, that Anna deserved a better proposal. "If that's what you want to call it", simply did not do it for me. They did stay in the courtyard a little longer and this is how that conversation continued….
Getting the Proposal Right
They were in their favorite corner of the courtyard, near the arches. The coolness of the evening enveloped them. The family was about to start dinner and Anna had managed to steal a few minutes before she was needed. They were in their own little world.
His darling Anna…. He had finally kissed her. He finally had her in his arms. They stayed locked in that embrace, arms around each other, holding themselves close. He did not want to let her go and she did not want to leave him.
They did not need to say anything. All he could think about in those few precious minutes was how long both had had to wait for this to happen and how the touch of her lips for the first time warmed his heart. He could finally allow himself to dream of a future with Anna.
He pulled her away for a moment, reaching for her hands, intertwining their fingers and bringing their now locked hands up to rest on his chest. He could see her lovely face. She was glowing, radiating the purest love. She was such an angel. He asked himself how he could be so lucky. He would never understand what she saw in him.
Reflecting on their previous conversation, he knew he had to make some things clear to Anna, as he hadn't really explained when she had asked if this was a proposal. He had said, "If that's what you want to call it", but that left so much room for future folly. Instead of being a proposal, it was more the promise of a proposal. He had to make sure she knew.
"Anna, you must know I desire to marry you. But I cannot ask you officially, until I can legally do so. Do you understand? "
After what seemed a really long time, she managed to say: "I understand. I think….?" He saw the look in her eyes change to that of confusion. She did not know if she should be happy or sad. His words contradicted what she believed he had been asking just a few moments before their kiss.
He was about to continue, but, the strong woman that she was, she quickly regained her confidence and boldly pressed forward. She untangled her hands from his and planted her palms firmly on her hips. With cheek in her voice, a smile on her face and a twinkle in her eye, she demanded:
"Mr. Bates! You've really not proposed anything, then. Or have you? Did you just want to steal a kiss? If you don't want to get that smack, you'll not leave a girl guessing and you'll tell her properly what this proposal is."
He was surprised at her sass and chuckled. This was clearly not what he had expected her to say and her countenance was so adorable. She really deserved the best that he could give her, starting with a more proper proposal. He had to admit that he could do much better than he'd done. His first attempt was only Vera worthy. He had to find the words to make his words Anna worthy.
She pursed her lips playfully expecting an answer. She was used to his enigmatic conversations and was hoping to get a clear response from him.
"My darling Anna, you compel me to speak to you properly and I will." He took her hands into his once more and let his thumbs caress her knuckles. Her sassy demeanor started to melt away as he touched her. He gazed directly into her eyes intently until she was completely still. When he had her full attention, he spoke.
"Anna Mae Smith, I love you. I cannot think of a day, since I arrived, that you've not been present in my heart and in my thoughts. You are my guiding light and you make me want to be a better man. It is the thought of you that gets me through the day. You are the first thing that I think of when I wake and the last face I see when I go to sleep. I am not a free man, but I will strive to gain my freedom earnestly and as quickly as possible. I will work tirelessly to make that happen."
Without ever losing eye contact, he brought their clenched hands up to his lips and slowly, kissed hers gently. She trembled lightly as the tears started to well up within her. He continued.
"Will you Anna, accept the possibility of a future with this old man, once he can free himself of the chains that bind him? Will you agree to wait for a full marriage proposal, once I am allowed to ask you? Will you?"
Tears escaped her beautiful blue eyes as the emotion of the moment caught up with her. She was not expecting all of those declarations. She had always believed he loved her. She had seen it in his eyes, felt it in the way he treated her, but, until now, she had never heard him say it. It was an assault on her emotions to be so close to him and hear him affirm his love.
She tried to compose herself and responded wholeheartedly: "Oh Mr. Bates! Yes, of course I'll wait. I've waited to hear you say this to me for so long. That was right proper indeed."
With their hands still tightly clenched, she brought them down to rest on her heart and separated one of them so could caress his cheek.
"Now that you have pledged your love, I will pledge it back and promise that I will wait for you, as long as it takes. My feelings for you have never changed. I love you too and believe that there is no better man in the world for me than you. You will never have to question my devotion. I want to be able to take care of you and make you happy. "
They gazed lovingly at each other for seconds before the impulse to kiss each other overtook them.
She released his hand and put her hands on his shoulders for balance. Standing on the tips of her toes, she reached up and tilted her head and he came down to meet her lips. He put his arm around her waist and the other on her cheek. Still kissing, she wrapped her hands around his neck. It was deeper and much longer than their first chaste kiss. They still kept their restraint, but this kiss truly conveyed the depth of love that they shared for each other.
Pulling apart for air, and resting their foreheads together, Mr. Bates whispered sweetly, "Anna, my love. You make me a very happy man."
Anna whispered back, "And you, Mr. Bates, make me a very happy woman."
She then rested her head on his chest, listening to his heart beating. She laced her arms around his middle, pulling him to a tight hug. He held her tightly as well, afraid that this might be one of the few intimate moments they would be allowed to share during their long wait.
Aware that both would no doubt have to leave for their duties soon, Mr. Bates spoke once again to Anna.
"I am sorry for telling his Lordship first. You may not agree, but, I needed his consent on several issues before I could even talk to you. "
Because she still had her head against his chest, he could not see her face, but she said nothing, so he continued.
"I have no proof of any infidelity from Vera, although I know she had many lovers when we were still living together. I must go about the divorce in a way that may tarnish my honor by allowing Vera to be the injured party. I will have to pretend to have been adulterous and I needed to know from his Lordship that he would find it tolerable to keep me in his employ. I needed him to know that I was willing to do whatever was in my power to get this divorce so that I could move on with my life. I could not honorably pursue this divorce, and once finished, pursue you, unless he understood the full extent of my plans."
"Oh. Mr. Bates…." Is all she could say and sighed. He could still not see her face. He was not sure if that was a sign of resignation or protest. "What else?" she continued.
Bates acquiesced and continued. "I could not bear the thought of us having this conversation, getting our hopes up, and having his Lordship not approve. If I found myself without this post, we would find it harder to be near each other and I couldn't bear it if I no longer could see you every day. Also, with this bothersome leg, I might not find another suitable post that would allow me to provide for you comfortably. I had to tell him."
Anna looked up at him and he could see there was no resentment present. She took a few seconds to gather her thoughts.
"I understand the reasoning and logic behind your motivations. I do….. Really I do. This is now forgotten in my mind…."
She paused and moved her arms to lie flat against his chest. "If we are to start a path together, from this moment on, promise me, John Bates, that we will be walking together, side by side. I cannot be a step behind, wondering where I belong in this process, or be the last to know about things that have a direct bearing on my life. Promise me you'll always tell me everything. Even if it hurts."
He nodded in understanding. "You are right my love" and kissed her forehead." I'll not keep you in the dark about my plans in the future. You will always know what is happening".
She smiled at his response.
John had to tell her about the rest of his conversation with Lord Grantham. It would not be easy. After holding her and experiencing what it was to feel her lips on his, he realized that complying would be harder than he ever thought. Those lips deserved to be kissed. He had no qualms when in the library with his Lordship, but, now, it would take so much more restraint than he ever thought possible.
"Anna, I must tell you the last of what Lord Grantham has bid me we understand about his consent. We are to tell Mrs. Hughes and Mr. Carson of my situation and our future intentions. He has urged me to be honorable in every sense of the word and has reminded me that while I have the desire and will to pursue a divorce, I do not have it yet, nor Vera's approval. As such, our association will be misconstrued by many as illicit and it will compromise your reputation. "
Anna blushed and asked in quite a surprised manner, "His Lordship spoke of my reputation"?
Mr. Bates conceded. "Indirectly. He made me understand that this situation had the potential to compromise you and bid me be weary of getting too close. He consents that I may ask for the promise of your affection, but we have no right to act upon it. He does not want me to put you in a difficult situation.
Anna reacted and pulled away from him so that she could fully see him. "What does it mean"?
"It means….." he paused for a moment. "That after this moment, I can no longer hold you the way I want, or the way we have held each other tonight. It means that I cannot kiss you, lest we be discovered and make things worse. We cannot discuss or imply publicly, in any way of our promise to each other. We will know privately about this commitment, but nobody can know or understand of it, until all is settled. We must concede his point and act appropriately. Do you understand?"
Anna couldn't reply. So she said nothing. She just looked Mr. Bates in the eye, with the saddest of expressions. How could she tell him that she understood, she was a good girl and knew what was proper, but was absolutely disappointed that he would not even try to steal a kiss. She had waited for so long to have any contact with him, only to have it taken back just as quickly.
"Anna, this is painful for me too", he said.
After his admission, she finally replied, "I would rather have you with all of those conditions than not at all. I've already promised to wait, and I will do as you and he bid. I trust you Mr. Bates. Just promise me one thing?"
"What?" He asked.
Can you still tell me you love me every time I need to hear it?
"Of course, my love." This does not mean we cannot associate at all. We'll do as we always have and I'll tell you as often as I can. He hugged her once again to reinforce his point.
With a bit of fear now reflected on her face, she pulled back. "I must go now or surely they will come to find me and we will be discovered." She turned to leave and paused momentarily. Mr. Bates took advantage of the momentary pause, taking her arm and swinging her backwards to face him once again. "I said I could no longer kiss you after this moment, but this moment is not over". They kissed one last time, with so much love and longing that she had a hard time pulling away. Bound by duty, she finally left him, standing in the courtyard alone.
