December 22
At first when Faith found a dark spot, she couldn't not sense anything be it smell, sight, sound, taste, or touch. Nor could she tell how long she had been there as she fumbled around. Time and space appeared distorted. She started to panic when she couldn't determine what was going on. However, at the last moment, Faith stood still letting her eyes adjust to the darkness. Gradually she sensed something substantial. Her feet felt a prickly sensation. Eventually she could see that she was standing in a field of tall grass feeling the tall blades brushing against her bare skin. In the inky darkness, she could just make out what appeared to be a white wall in the horizon.
"Hurry Faith," said a tiny voice.
Before Faith could respond, she heard and felt a menacing presence approaching her from behind. As it was, she could not make what it was but it sounded like a cross between a man and wild animal. Looking behind and about there wasn't a shape that she could discern. Whatever it was it was almost upon her and the small hairs on her skin rose up.
"Run Faith!"
Faith did just that. Not knowing where to go she went towards the white wall. Running barefoot across the field, she could see a gate and headed in that direction.
It turned out that the white wall was made up of a collection of skulls and bones. At the gate, she grasped the latch but it would not open. She kept trying but it was stuck and just when she thought it would open she felt an ominous shadow descend upon her. Yanked away from the gate, Faith was thrown to the ground and felt something heavy landing on her attacking her. Exhausted, Faith did her best fight and ward off her attacker but she was no match.
When she realized she was going to die with her throat about to be ripped out, she screamed.
Wide-awake and soaked in a cold sweat Faith breathed heavily in her bed. She reached for her throat and touched it. As usual, it was the same nightmare. There would be no sleep tonight.
After awhile she reached for her journal and she jotted down the description of her bad dream while it loomed large in her mind. However, this did little to alleviate her anxiety and she finally got dressed.
Walking alone in the semi-dark apartment, Faith tried to think of something to do to get her mind off her nightmare. Gazing out at the street lamps and building lights, she noticed a fresh layer of clean snow. It had started last night and it was still snowing.
In the kitchen, she turned on the lights and started to boil water. While there were two cans of coffee grounds in the cabinet, the ancient coffee maker had finally quit functioning. She didn't relished going out for a coffee run at this time of the night especially since there was black ice everywhere. For the time being, there would be no coffee and thus she resorted to making tea.
Wrapped in a blanket and resting her feet near the space heater, she cradled her hot tea while sitting in front of the TV. After clicking through the various infomercials, she came across a black and white film she had seen before. This 1940's flick was not Faith's favorite it was somewhat too sentimental for her taste. But it was better than nothing and it seemed to take her mind off her nightmare. And for some reason this movie always played during the holiday season and sometimes non-stop.
This one was about a young man who initially wanted to leave his bucolic, small-time town to travel to Europe but due to circumstances beyond his control, he was stuck. Selfless, he stayed and in the process, he gave up some of his ambitions and dreams. He wounds up becoming a banker in the town, marrying, having a bunch of kids and lived in a decrepit house. Fed up and feeling trapped he finally leaves.
Currently the scene showed him outside leaning over the snowed covered bridge feeling hopeless. Desperate, he was about to take the plunge but an older man made a leap first into the frigid river. Gasping in horror, he jumped in and rescued the drowning man. But the twist was the old man was his guardian angel pretending to drown. This doesn't change anything, the banker is still despondent and to the guardian angel he makes a wish.
"Man I feel for you," said Faith and turned off the space heater curling up on the sofa.
After making the wish, he found things aren't much better, in fact it's worse. Because of his non-existence, the town went to hell in a handbasket. Everyone he cared for was either dead, dying, or living a harsher life or worse never been born.
When the movie ended, she contemplated whether to see it again. The television station was having s marathon run of this show but she decided against watching it. One viewing was enough.
While it was still dark at this early morning, she stood by the windows letting her mind drift off as her imagination took over. If the several blocks of buildings didn't obstruct the water's edge, she would have a clear view of Boston Harbor and the bay. She could visualize the various lights that lit the wharfs, boats, and buildings that made up the shoreline. Those lucky to afford that view had it made.
In the summertime when she was younger, she used to go with some of the neighborhood kids to the rock quarries. Carefree, she jumped into the water without fear. Splashing about without any cares in the salty water, she escaped her world and entered one of her liking. Those were happy and exhilarating times. She wondered what ever happened to those moments and sometimes found herself longing for them.
"Hey Faith," shouted Tommy, as he pounded loudly on the steel door with one hand while cradling two cups of coffee with his other hand. The frigid apartment hallway made him shiver. "Hello Faith," he continued.
Faith thought she heard some noises and turned over in her bed. Bleary eyed, she cracked open her eyes. It hurt as the bright daylight shone through the shabby curtains. She deduced it was mid-afternoon since her window faced the west. One thing was certain the pounding was insistent.
She could only guess who it was. Her social worker usually gave her advanced notice and rent wasn't due till later this month. And her mother had left her message she wouldn't be home until later, if she even kept her word. Only one person came to mind: Tommy, her best friend.
"Oh right. Oh right I'm coming," said Faith, as she gathered her clothes that lay in a heap.
Peering through the peephole, it was Tommy carrying two cups of coffee. She unbolted and unlatched the several deadbolts.
"Hey Tommy, what's shakin'?" asked Faith, smiling. He came in proffering a cup of coffee.
And Faith kept smiling as she gazed Tommy after he came in. She couldn't help it. He was so cute, with his Johnny Depp hairstyle. His sweet boyish face and the long locks hung carefree over his face. Too bad he was gay. For the longest time Faith had the hots for him and when he came out, she was devastated. She got over the hurt and it wasn't easy but they remained friends. In fact, he was the only best friend that she had. It was frustrating knowing that nothing would ever happen but she still liked him. He was the only one who was cool and did not treat her like a loser.
"I know it's Saturday. But what's with sleeping all day? It's nearly 3 PM."
"I had bad dream that's all, kept me up."
Tommy looked at her askance. It was the first time he heard her mentioned this.
"Hey forgot about it . . . it's nothing really. Must be the winter blues," said Faith shrugging her shoulders and took a sip of her coffee.
"I got some good news. . .You won't believe this," he said rapidly. "Two words," he said and paused hoping to create suspense.
"Okay I bite."
"Freak Wharf," he said nonchalantly.
"Oh my god. Did you say FREAK WHARF!" asked Faith nearly spilling her coffee.
"Yeah," he grinned.
You're kidding me," said Faith.
Her latest favorite local band. She had heard almost every song and memorizing the song verses. After Tommy, she had a huge crush on the drummer.
"I kid you not. I just found out they're playing tonight at the club, The Wharf," continued Tommy.
"Sweet! . . . But geez why didn't you call me? You know how much I'm insanely in love with them."
"Girl I did. You must have been dead to the world or something. I called several times. Then I called trying to get tickets. Damn lines are busy for like almost forever and then I got a recording saying that they were sold out."
"Shoot!" said Faith in disappointment. In her mind, there was one thing to do. Setting her aside her coffee, she slipped on her boots.
"Oh we gotta go. Let's go down there and see if we can some tickets. There's gotta be scalpers. I'll go nuts knowing if we didn't try," she said after grabbing her coat.
"Fifty dollars a pop," said Faith with aggravation. "Why that's insane! They're just a local band," she complained to the scalpers. A few scalpers shrugged their shoulders indifferently and turned their attention to other potential customers.
Taking Faith aside, Tommy suggested, "Maybe we can offer something in exchange for the tickets."
Mistaking Tommy's intentions, Faith looked down at her motorcycle boots. "Hell no! I am not giving up my boots."
Tommy had given these motorcycle boots to her for her birthday. They were warm, durable, and had a steel toe. Good for kicking back and stomping. She didn't question how Tommy obtained them but she'd surmised they had been stolen. At least she'd like to believe that.
"No that's not what I had in mind," he said quietly. "Perhaps some quick and personal . . . You know like make out with one of them."
A light bulb clicked in Faith's head and she looked back at the scalpers checking them out.
"Well they don't look queer to me. So, I guess you'll be the pimp and I'll do the deed for the tickets."
"Well it is the Wharf," he began.
"Okay, well next time you say something like that to me you better wear a cup," said Faith and lifted her knee towards him. Flinching, he backed off slightly and Faith slapped his face for emphasis.
"Well you have better idea, bitch," he said as he rubbed her face.
Before she replied, she noticed a flashing light from the alley that caught her attention.
"Yeah, bitch I do," said Faith and took Tommy with her in the alleyway behind the club.
Sneaking down the alley, they came across a small window where they could see icy blue and yellow lights flashing on and off. The window was about thirty feet up.
"I don't know," he began. "But what do you think?"
Before she answered, she noticed an old utility ladder affixed to the brick wall very near to the window. So long as the window wasn't locked they might have a chance.
"Looks dangerous," he added.
"Yeah, well, what's living for if not danger?" said Faith as she came closer to the ladder.
Glancing back the alleyway, Faith took a good look making sure no one else was around before she grasped the bottom rung.
"You know me," she went on and shook it making sure it was secure. "I'm a thrill seeker."
Grinning, she pulled herself and lifted her body off the ground. Once her feet reached the bottom rung, it was a smooth climb but midway the cold metal stung her hands. It was too late to be concerned about that as she approached the small window. It turned out the lights were stage lights and just her luck the window was unlocked. With a gentle tug without making too much noise, she managed to open it.
Looking down to Tommy, she gave the thumbs up.
Once, inside they made their way on the narrow catwalk. The catwalk or narrow walkway stretched around the perimeter of the stage below. Just below the opening act, "Wicked Fingers," an all girls band was finishing up. Having a bird's eye view they situated themselves in the best possible position watching Freak Wharf set up.
"We should have brought some beer," he said and his hair falling over his face.
Faith had to look way, he was so hot and sitting next him didn't help matters. However, she caught sight of the drummer, Killian who was even hotter. His jet black spiky hair reflected the stage lights. In a snap, she forgot about Tommy and became mesmerized by the whole show. The show lasted two hours but to her it was a blur and felt like it lasted a few seconds. Hearing the songs live was awesome. She knew ever song being played. On their way home they sang until their voices became hoarse as people looked at them as if they were crazy.
"You want to go for coffee?" asked Faith hoarsely.
"Love to . . . but I gotta go," his voice equally hoarse.
"Don't tell me your mom is worried about you."
He said nothing but silently continued to walk.
"School's out so what gives?" asked Faith.
"It's nothing like that," he began but paused.
"Okay, how long have we known each other?" continued Faith.
"I've met someone and he . . . well we . . . he's was working tonight."
"Oh," said Faith suddenly understanding. "Hey Tommy that's cool . . . I really had a good time tonight."
"Me too," he said.
For the rest of the way, they walked in silence. When she entered the apartment, her mom like usual wasn't home.
December 25
As soon as Faith entered the apartment she tensed up, she knew her mother was home. She didn't need to see that her mom's coat was hanging on the door post to know. That merely confirmed her presence. But that wasn't what made her uneasy. Rather it was the smell of smoke and liquor, which added to her apprehension and now was making her stomach queasy.
Walking in the living room another odor permeated the air: coffee. Turning her head in that direction, she saw her mother's boyfriend, Gable, pouring coffee for her mom.
"Well look who finally who decides to show up," said Faith's mom and set down coffee cup. "You know I was worried sick."
Faith didn't say anything.
This is the gratitude I get," she added and turned to her boyfriend.
Taking off her coat, Faith said nothing as she put up with the scolding. She had seen this before. Her mom was putting on a show to look good in front of her boyfriends. Faith was not impressed by the latest one and had nothing but contempt towards him. For one thing, he was a well-known drug dealer in Southie or South Boston and another thing he had bevy of girlfriends and treated them like disposable pens. This was by far the worst one her mother had dredged up. Why couldn't she find a decent man lamented Faith. Why couldn't her mom see Gable for what he is?
"Uh huh," said Faith muttering to herself.
Exhausted from a late night Christmas Eve party at a local club she was too tired to deal with mom's harangue. All she wanted to do was lay down and tame the wicked headache that was the size of an elephant. The all girls band, Wicked Fingers, were at the club again last night belting some loud tunes. She considered going to bed and crash or call Tommy and see if she could hang out with him. Either way, she needed some fresh clothes and went to her bedroom.
"What's this?" said Faith with surprise she said more to herself.
Her bedroom had been transformed. The normally meager small bedroom now had more furniture. A chair was next to her bed. The futon mattress now rested atop a bed frame. Beside bed was a small dress drawer with a night lamp.
While she appreciated this gesture, she was offended that someone went in her space. Miffed, she was put off that someone would go in her bedroom without asking. Irked, she opened her closet door. Her belongings were still there and nothing appeared like it that had been touched. Reaching for hidden panel, she noted her diary was still there and sighed in relief. While she didn't care so much about writing in her diary she didn't care for her mother to see or let alone her string of boyfriends to have access to it.
Faith didn't say anything at first. While she was somewhat grateful for the furniture, she became more and more uncomfortable. It was nice gesture but no amount of wishful thinking could make her feel at ease. The harsh reality is this couldn't have come from her mom. The sad fact is her mother could barely provide for her daughter. Faith guessed this all came from Gable. She did not like to think about that possibility and looked at her mom directly.
"Well aren't' you going to say thank you," she said with impatience.
Faith remained silent. No matter what she wasn't about to acknowledge this drug dealer and avoided looking at him.
"You feed them, you clothe them, you give them shelter and this is what you get."
"I wish I had known about this," said Faith slowly. "This is my room . . ."
"Damnit . . . I pay the rent here," her mother said. "When you're eighteen you can get the hell out but until then shut up and put-up."
"This is what I'm talking about Gable. Don't ever have kids. Ungrateful brats. They suck up your money and look how they turn out."
"Mom," said Faith raising her voice but backing down "I didn't ask for this. . . . if you could have consulted with me. This is my room after all."
"Consult with me," said her mother with derision. "Dammit I your mother and you're the child here. End of discussion. You live under my good graces and I expect you do your chores and homework and look at you. You're lazy. And you're just like your dad what a waste of human flesh. You come home looking like goddamn trash wearing those clothes. Have you been screwing around?"
Wary, Faith shot her mom a dirty look and didn't know how much more she could put with her spitefulness. If she wasn't so exhausted she would have taken a walk. There was no point in engaging her mom when she was like this. She didn't have to take a whiff of her breath to know that her mother drunk. Faith's mom could drink all the coffee she wanted but it didn't cover the fact she was drunk and an unfortunately a mean drunk. Faith had seen the signs to many times to be on guard. The stale air reeked with booze coupled with the smoke coming from her boyfriend made Faith feel more nauseous.
The best thing Faith could do was stay away from her mother and let her sober up. She wisely remained more than several arm lengths away letting her mom continue to rant and rave. Until the hitting started, she was safe as she put up with mother's nastiness. Ironically, this was a mild moment for Faith but her headache made her feel worst. Usually by now, her mom would lash out unpredictably at Faith but because Gable was present, she had shown restraint. Not able to tolerate her or the rancid air, Faith slowly turned away.
"That's right go to your room and bitch and moan. You think you're better than me. You're not! You're nothing but a f##kin' repeat," her mom said scathingly.
At that, Faith stopped.
It's not like she hadn't heard her mother cuss at her. Over the years she had become somewhat inured. But she took this very personally. Once she cared and sought her mother's advice but now she had no aspiration to be like her. Right now, it was as if someone had stabbed her between the eyes. Faith never liked to be compared to mother and could never envision being like her and she took great pains to avoid being like her.
Turning around, shaking in fury she confronted her mother. Livid, her face was a bright shade of lobster red and she could hardly contain her shaking.
"That is so false. You know nothing about me," shouted Faith swallowing her anger and hurt. "I-I don't know if I'm better than you," she continued but in a lower voice barely able to contain her rage and pain. "But I know that I will never be like you. Never! I am somebody."
Before her mother could react, she left and slammed her bedroom door shut. Ever time this happened she felt like trapped animal and paced about vigorous to blow off some steam until the shaking subsided. Except this time she felt ill and she sat on the edge of the steam radiator.
Enraged, she opened the window and peered out letting the icy cold air hit her face and screamed for a moment. Letting her mind drift, she imagined herself away from this hell. When her face was numb, she closed the window. Emotionally exhausted she reclined back on her bed letting her mind escape.
She opened her eyes when she heard a soft knock watching the door open. Looking at her clock radio, Faith realized she must have fallen asleep. It was Gable and he sat on the edge of her bed uninvited.
Somewhat groggy and tired, Faith sat up. "What are you doing?"
"I wanted to give you a present," he said and fished out a small gift-wrapped box from his leather jacket and handed to Faith. Not knowing what to do she idly held the gift.
"Merry Christmas, Faith," he added. Seeing her hesitation, he added, "Go on it's for you."
Exasperated, Faith finally unwrapped the gift and became surprised. Inside was a pair of diamonds earrings and they looked real. Somewhat mesmerized, she looked at them and examined them. No one had ever given her a gift like this.
"Wow," said Faith and that was all she could say as she continued to look at the diamonds.
"Any thing for you, kid," he said and did a quick glance at her door, and kissed Faith on the lips.
"What!" said Faith startled and in disbelief. She pulled away but he grabbed her by the back of the head bringing her closer to him.
"No," protested Faith and still in shock that this was happening to her but he persisted.
She had never imagined that this could ever happen to her.
"No," repeated Faith firmly and she started to scream. But he put his hand over her mouth to silence her.
"What's wrong?" he asked as if the situation wasn't obvious. He looked at Faith not comprehending her objections.
Faith managed to push him off away from her and jumped out of her bed glaring at him.
"You ever touch me again . . . I'll . . . I'll," began Faith but found she couldn't finish.
"You'll do what, Faith?" he asked and leaned back on her bed casually resting on her pillow.
Seeing him on her bed repulsed her making her wanting to throw up.
"Tell your mom?" he continued. "Or get that queer you go out with to rough me up?"
Incensed Faith considered beating the crap out him with the lamp but instead she grabbed her coat and left her room.
Slamming the steel door, she briskly walked out.
When Faith was outside, she ran as fast as she could without slipping on the snow. She didn't know where she was running. All she knew was running as if her life depended on it. Her mind wasn't thinking but instead her heart was directing her legs to run.
Not far from the apartment complex, she ended up in the elementary school playground. Breathless, sat on the icy swing tasting bile in her mouth and was nearly on the verge of throwing up. Gripping the swing chain tightly, she steadied herself and slowly regained control of her breathing. With her head was swimming; she had to close eyes to shut out the vertigo.
After the nauseous passed, she looked around for clean snow. A few days ago, the last snowstorm had blanketed Boston with a fresh coat. Scooping some clean snow, she wiped her face to rid of his stench and rinsed out her mouth. She did this until she felt that there was no more trace of him.
A combination of shame, hurt, emptiness, and despair filled her and a few tears trickled out. She had wanted to confront him but what could she really do. The ugly truth of the matter was he was right. And if Faith did tell her mother and if she could even do that, would her mom believe her. And if her mother did believe her she wouldn't do anything except blame Faith for bringing it on to herself and for fooling around with her boyfriend.
It was easy to say fight back but at the time Faith did what she had to do and reacted more on flight. And for that she felt worse. Looking down at the snow, she angrily kicked up a chunk of packed snow. Now she was cross with herself for being so weak and for running away. However, she didn't dare go to back and considered where to go.
Seeing the payphones at the park, she suddenly thought of Tommy remembering that she had been invited for Christmas Day dinner at his home. At the time, she held out saying her mother could be possibly home and really couldn't commit. Wiping the tears away, she went to the pay phones.
Calling Tommy, she prayed he would answer. At this moment, she wasn't sure if she was up to speaking to one of his relatives.
"Oh Tommy," she said breathless and relieved hearing his voice.
"Hey Faith, It's good to hear from you. Merry Christmas," he said with holiday cheer.
Faith was silent for a moment. "You too," she said finally with a distant faraway voice.
"Faith you there . . . Everything okay?"
"Yeah sure, everything's good" she said. "Look I was wondering . . . does the invite still stand? Can I still come over?"
"Yeah, sure come on over. Plenty of food."
"Are you sure," said Faith hearing his extended family and friends in the background.
"Look it's no trouble. You'll be saving me from dealing with screaming toddlers and old timers."
Somewhat relieved, Faith crackled a smile.
"Thanks, I'll be there soon," said Faith and hung up.
Relieved she started double back to Tommy's place but paused when she recognized Gable's car, a sporty red coupe. The red coupe was parked in the street just outside of the elementary school. A wave of helplessness came rushing back and her stomach seized up slightly.
But her anxiety turned to seething rage when studied his red car. At first, Faith considered throwing a snowball or something worse. Then she had something better in mind and approached the red car as she considered doing some heavy damage. She was about to kicked the passenger window but held back. The car was parked near a fire hydrant in the school zone. A different idea grew in her mind and she grinned.
So you think you're above the law. You're not.
After the memorizing the license plate number she started to walk off but at the last moment, she came back and smashed one of the rear taillights with the heel of her boot.
Take that you bastard.
Just outside the school building, she went to one of the pay phones and dialed 9-1-1.
Disguising her voice, she spoke to the 9-1-1 dispatcher. In great detail Faith described who/what/when/how regarding the drug dealer and the make/model/color of his car. And added his car was parked in school zone near the fire hydrant.
Of course, she didn't identify herself and she didn't care about the reward should his arrest ever led to a conviction. Seeing too many police shows, she knew better. And to further protect herself, she wiped down the handset. She quickly walked off to a convenience store several blocks down the street and treated herself to coffee and a bagel.
While school was out the police didn't really care where people parked. They didn't have the time and the manpower to deal with minor offenses. But when it came to drug dealers that was different. Faith took a swag on how long they would take to show up. If it were a slow day, they would be here shortly. And she guessed right.
Sweet.
No sooner did she finish her coffee that she saw two squad cars beside the red car. One of the officers had just led a German shepherd towards the car. Seeing enough, she walked off eating her bagel towards a small park that was opposite of the apartment complex and school.
By the time, she circled around the park, she a saw a tow truck in front of the sports car. The operator had just finished securing heavy cables to the car. Well hidden behind one of the thick oak trees in the park, Faith smiled with contentment watching the tow truck slowly pull the red car from the curb. Braving the frigid temperatures, she stayed until the sports car was towed away.
Very Sweet.
She had to give credit to the police sometimes. However, realistically she figured they were more interested in generating revenue. Impounded vehicles especially from criminals usually ended up at public auctions.
Somewhat satisfied, Faith finally went to Tommy's place.
"Hey Tommy," said Faith at his doorstep.
"Hey Faith," greeted Tommy with a hug.
Holding him, she murmured, "Merry Christmas."
"You alright?"
"Yeah I'm okay. It's all good."
"Cool. Hey let's get in before my mom hollers."
