First of all, I'd like to thank all of you who are taking the time to read this story and for those who are taking the time to review. It really makes my day to see that you guys like the story and your kind words are just the bestttttt. So without further adieu, I give to you the second chapter! Thanks for all the support! I really do appreciate it :)
-sociality
When I was six I had this doll. Well really, I had a whole plethora of dolls. But this one was my favorite. But this doll was different. She wasn't just a doll. She was an American Girl Doll – you know the ones with the styles, names, books, and backstories. I had Samantha. She had light skin, long dark hair, and when I got her, it was Christmastime so she wore a little red, satin dress with white ribbons and white stockings.
I took her everywhere with me. To the grocery store, to the dentist, on random car rides with my parents. Everywhere. I did everything in my power to protect Samantha. I wouldn't let her get muddy or dirty. Her hair was always perfectly brushed, not a strand out of place. And I made sure she had a nice clean outfit every week (she didn't have too many outfits so I figured once a week was reasonable).
Sometimes Samantha would get sick so I'd stick her in my bed and I'd pull the covers up, making sure that she could get warm and that she could get better. There was always a glass of water next to her if she was thirsty and I made sure any owies she got were all bandaged and perfect. In my mind, Samantha was like my own little child.
Lots of girls growing up do that with their dolls, I later found out. "It's a woman's intuition," my mother told me. Pretending to take care of their "child" just as their own mother took care of them. And I guess it made sense. So inside of me, born in me, was this natural instinct to nurture. It was biological.
So as soon as I figured out that this wasn't some game – that this wasn't some doll that wouldn't get hurt when something happened – I became a little more cautious. Of course looking where I was going was on the top of my list. The last thing I needed was more stitches from running into poles. Never mind that that was just plain embarrassing. My motherly instinct kinda started kicking in. Or at least that's what I told Alli and Jenna. But Alli just laughed.
"Maybe it's a sign," I told them, staring down at my coffee cup. Her, Jenna, and I had met at The Dot before school like we sometimes did when we needed to talk before facing the day. "Maybe it means that I should keep the baby – that I want to do this."
Alli rolled her eyes a bit, trying not to seem totally against the idea. "Clare, as much as I'd love to see a mini you running around, I think you need to go about this in a more logical way. I mean, you're basing your assumption off of what you think is 'motherly intuition'. You're not a mother, Clare, you can't think that."
There had to be what seemed like a tad bit of hurt or displeasure in my glance because immediately the girl's face softened and she smiled a little. "Look, I'm not saying to not be careful. Because you are…you know. And you should be careful. But if you don't know what you want yet, don't get attached because you're being careful. If you want to get attached, do it because of the right reasons. Does that make sense?"
I nodded. "You're right. It's like being a journalist. Before you draw to conclusions, you need to find the cold, hard facts. Then you base your report off of your findings and you tell the truth. All I have to do is gather all the information I can, in this situation all the pros and cons, and make a decision off of those things instead of just feelings."
"Um…" Alli interjected, an eyebrow raising in some form of confusion. "Not exactly what I meant but if that's what's going to help you make a logical decision then I guess you should go with it."
The two of us laughed and I tried my best to finish the coffee I had in front of me. But for whatever reason, it just didn't seem as good as it sounded when I had first ordered it. It was an odd strategy but I found that whenever I looked at things from some sort of journalistic perspective, it somehow helped. That's how I originally knew that journalism was the career path I wanted to follow. That's just how I figured a lot of problems out – using the same kind of system.
But this didn't seem like it would be that simple. As much as I wanted to try and use logic, nothing seemed to flow like it normally did. I wished that the decision was simple. That it was black and white. But it didn't look like it was going to be going that way at all. I had to really think about this. I needed more than just a few more weeks.
I looked up to Jenna who hadn't said a word since our previous conversation about how none of us were looking forward to our final exams that were approaching in just a few short weeks. I knew that the topic was touchy for her as well considering that she had a baby. And that he was taken from her because of problems between her and K.C.. I wasn't even sure if talking about thinking of multiple options was an okay topic around her considering that she was a mom still in some sort of way.
The girl met my gaze and gave me a faint smile. She looked like she was trying to process the right thing to say, which I really did appreciate. Jenna opened her mouth as if she was going to say something but paused and took a sip of her drink instead. We all sat in silence for a few moments before she finally did speak up.
"I understand the feeling of wanting to have freedom again," she said. "And I'm glad that you're taking in your options now while it's still early. I ignored it until it was way too late."
"Do you think you would have done something if it was safe?"
I realized then that I had never spoken with Jenna about her pregnancy or about the baby at all. I was never interested in the matter considering what her relationship with K.C. resulted from. When it was all taking place, there was still a part of me that was bitter about everything that had taken place. We weren't on speaking terms yet and it wasn't until the next year that we were. But even then I didn't say anything about it. Neither did she. Not to me, anyway.
"I considered it," she admitted. "I mean, K.C. was mainly the one who wanted me to. He expected me to. That fact alone irritated me. I wanted us to be solid on the whole thing but ultimately he left. It stressed him out."
I raised an eyebrow, suspicious to where she was going with the conversation. What I thought would be simple advice was quickly turning into another decision I didn't want to make or think about.
"So what are you saying?" I asked, a little too excessively.
"I'm saying that maybe you should talk to Drew. I get that it's your body and your decision and bringing the topic up could bring up a fight or awkwardness but maybe it would help you. That way it won't seem like you're doing this on your own."
Jenna sighed and studied my gaze, a new sense of sincerity in her eyes that I had never recognized from her before that moment.
"There's nothing worse than going through this and making these decision alone."
I let her words sink in. I wasn't alone. I had them. Right? I had my friends so that was all that I needed. I couldn't involve Drew, he'd done enough. I mean, yeah it was my fault I was in the predicament I was in but it takes two to tango and he was the other half of that. Which would also make the potential baby half his.
I almost wanted to shutter at the thought. I never considered having a family with anyone other than with Eli before. And that was way off in the future after graduating from university. Even then we never stepped close to that conversation at all.
But Drew was sensitive. At least he was lately. And he was with Becky as of the last few weeks. Me bringing up the baby would seem like some desperate attempt at me taking him back from her. Not that I ever had him in the first place. Did I? No. I tried my best to make sure that wasn't ever a thing. Well obviously not too hard.
Still, I couldn't tell him. I just couldn't.
"I'll think about it," was all that I said. I knew deep in my mind that I wouldn't think too much of it. I really was set on the decision of avoiding Drew with the best of my ability. Which would be hard to do with student council but I just had to be careful with it. I had to try not to think about it. At least not around him. Otherwise I knew I'd screw it up. I'd been doing a lot of that lately.
...
It wasn't until fourth period that I realized I had forgotten my phone at home. Usually this wasn't too much of an issue, but since everything that had happened, I couldn't concentrate in study hall and I was hoping for a distraction. The only thing on my mind was my condition, what Alli kept repeating to me, what Jenna had said at The Dot. What Eli would say if he knew. What Drew would do. I shook my head, there was too much pressure.
I tried to focus, to study for my exams that were approaching in just a few short weeks but I couldn't. I read the same sentences over and over again without absorbing a word. My mind was practically a mess and every little thing slowly began to irritate me more and more. It was a relief when the final bell rang and I could go home, putting off any homework I had until I could just get a break.
Once in my room I checked my phone, seeing that I had five missed messages. Two were from Alli. I'd talk to her more later. The other three were from Eli. I was only a little surprised by this. We had been talking a little bit since I'd been back from New York, but nothing drastic. I wondered what was so important that he would keep texting.
10:23 Hey, skype after classes?
12:41 Edwards?
2:20 You okay?
My teeth clenched slightly, worried that I had somehow worried him. It was a cycle with us, that way. If I had done something to make him worry, I would worry that he was worried. I knew how Eli got when he was agitated and it wasn't always a good outcome. I could almost see him pacing back and forth in his dorm room or checking his phone in class every ten minutes.
3:05 Sorry, I left my phone at home. Skype is on.
I had slight animosity of seeing him face-to-face (well, kind of) since we hadn't seen each other since New York. Before everything turned itself over on me. That first morning when I got back, everything seemed so perfect. It all seemed like for once everything was falling into place. But of course that couldn't happen. It wouldn't happen ever. I was beginning to wonder what else could go wrong between that point and finally getting to Columbia.
I opened my laptop after setting my phone down and signed onto Skype. The last time I Skyped Eli was when we were dating. So doing this now I knew would be a little weird. Just a little. I wondered what was so important that he couldn't simply tell me over the phone. But then again, nothing was done simply with Eli. Everything had to be extravagant. Which in some cases was a good thing. Other times, not so much.
It only took a few minutes for Eli to pop online and hit the call button. Within seconds after that, my computer was making that slightly annoying buzzing sound and I pressed accept. Eli's face flickered onto my screen and I could see the boy smiling brightly as we both appeared digitally before each other.
"Hey, you," he greeted. I smiled and gave a pretty lame wave back to him.
"Hey. What's going on that you needed to Skype?"
Eli shrugged and played with the bracelet on his wrist for a moment before sighing contently. "I wanted to see your beautiful face. That's okay, right?"
I scoffed and shook my head. As much as I liked the compliment, part of me cringed internally. I felt conflicted and honestly fairly ashamed considering everything else that was going on that Eli had absolutely no idea about. When we were in New York, Eli asked how my boyfriend was doing and I told him that Drew and I had never made it that far. I never told him that we got far, just not wordly official. Neither had Eli and Lenore. Knowing that both of us were without someone else gave us each a spark of hope inside but once I got that phone call back home, that spark felt like it'd had a bucket of water dumped on it.
I wondered if I should just tell him. Get it all out on the table and just deal with it all. If Eli and I were really going to go through with all of this, then he had to know the truth, right? Part of the deal in our last relationship was that we'd tell each other everything. That communication was key. Of course it didn't completely work one hundred percent of the time (hence him and Lenore) but that was still part of a healthy relationship. Especially if we were trying to start over again.
Then on the other hand, if I was going to make the choice of terminating the pregnancy, then why would Eli have to know? It wouldn't make a difference. He had no part in the matter at all. So he would have no say in it and it would all be over. Out of sight, out of mind. Too bad that didn't work for guilt. The only cure for guilt was honesty. And I think forgiveness.
I took a deep breath and stared at Eli. It was only fair if he knew, right? And I would deserve whatever anger he lashed out at me, if anger was the emotion he'd express the most. I wasn't exactly honest with him about what transpired between Drew and I. Maybe it was only fair to him if I did say something.
"Eli…" The boy raised an eyebrow, looking concerned and patiently waited for me to make up my mind. Sure he didn't know about the battle in my head at the moment, but the boy knew me well. Too well. "I need to talk to you about something."
Eli adjusted his position. His face changed from happy to worried within seconds. I felt my nerves tighten. This was it. Now or never. Time for the truth. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, bracing myself for whatever reaction he'd throw my way.
"I think we should take things slow."
I blinked. What? That is what came out of my mouth? I think we should take things slow?
Eli kept quiet and waited for me to continue. I waited too, trying to figure out what the heck I was saying.
"I mean…well the problem was distance, right? And you said that if we are both in New York then it might be easier. So…then we should hold off all kinds of…feelings things until then."
Eli laughed a little and relaxed his body. He seemed a lot less tense than he was when I first told him we needed to talk. Though I wasn't at all. My brain was still racing for words.
"Hold off all 'feelings things'?" he questioned.
I merely nodded and picked at my nails, nervously. "Yeah. Feelings things. Like, like flirting. Telling each other anything that would allude to having feelings for each other. So. Just friends. Just only friends talk."
I could tell he was holding back more laughter and I could feel my face get hot. Maybe my little outburst was a good idea? Taking things slow would give me more time to consider if telling him was really a good idea or not. It would buy me more time to figure out what I'm doing before I go off telling people what's going on. Yeah. This was a good idea. Good job, Edwards.
"Well…okay," he finally said. I just stared, not knowing what to do or what to say. I was still in shock of my own stupidity. "But you do look beautiful."
As much as I tried, I couldn't hold back the laugh that escaped my lips at his resistance to the new rule. "Eli."
"What? That was completely mutual. One friend telling another friend that she's pretty. And that her hair looks nice. And-"
"Eli," I interrupted, still laughing at his lack of restraint. It's not that I didn't like the compliments. Because believe me, I was all for them. It just…wasn't the right time. We needed more time to just be before we could be.
Eli rose his hands up to his sides in surrender. "Okay sorry, it's out of my system, I promise."
"It'll be better once I'm in New York."
He smiled and looked down briefly before meeting my eyes again. "Things will finally be perfect."
I swallowed and forced a smile onto my face before saying goodbye and signing off. Perfect. Right. As perfect as it ever will be. That's definitely when I knew. If I went through with the whole thing, I wouldn't have Eli. I wouldn't have Columbia. I'd be known as that girl who had a baby her senior year. Getting a job would be difficult and I didn't know what would come of my journalism career. I didn't know what Drew would say or think. But I knew for sure that Becky would probably do all that was in her power to destroy me. I didn't want to break them up. I didn't want more people mad at me. I didn't want to defer Columbia and I wanted Eli.
If things were to really be perfect…I'd have to go through with the abortion.
