NL: Hey! Thanks for sticking around for the first chapter! We really appreciate it!

Papa T: So sit back and relax, and get ready to laugh 'til you collapse! Here comes the prologue!

Prologue – Welcome to the Satellite of Love!

"Sigh…" a fourteen year old girl groaned as she watched a movie known infamously as Plan 9 from Outer Space in her apartment, so bored that she actually said "Sigh." She wore a pair of dark blue jeans, black sneakers, a white t-shirt with blue short sleeves and hood, a pair of black fingerless-gloves, a black belt pack worn backwards, and had tied her hair back into a ponytail with a blue ribbon. "Ed Wood, you've proven your skills with crappy effects once again."

"Plan 9 from Outer Space!" a black anthropomorphic duck exclaimed mockingly in a Don LaFontaine-type voice. "ALMOST starring Bela Lugosi!" He wore a red vest with a zipper, a white belt with two holsters each carrying a glowing green nunchaku, and a blue beret.

"I-I-I personally f-f-find it c-culturally s-s-significant, Daffy," a pink anthropomorphic pig said defensively with a stutter or grunt. He wore a green jacket with a zipper and buckled around the waist with an emblem of a rabbit's head on the back and a small black fez rested on top of his head.

"How's that, Porky?" the girl asked.

"S-Simple, Rika," Porky said. "I-It's so t-te-t-t-te-t-bad that i-it m-m-makes other movies good."

"Ha! Good one!" Daffy laughed haughtily.

"You guys mind if I rescue our DVD player of this piece of crap?" Rika smiled.

"Be our guest!" the two Looney Tunes chorused.

Rika got off their couch to her feet, stopped their DVD player, stripped it of the disk and promptly flung the movie out the window. "Man, guys. We should really make a living off riffing crappy movies."

"I-I-If only…" Porky sighed pensively.

"You guys dream too much," Daffy said, rolling his eyes. "That kind of stuff only happens in television shows and crappy fanfiction co-written by two nerds with too much time in their hands!"

Rika and Porky shot looks of askance to you, the reader(s). "We don't have the heart to tell him," she said, and then turned back to the duck. "Hey, why not? Those guys at Mystery Science Theater 3000 did it."

"What? You think we're going to – I dunno, get abducted to a ship run by a bunch of robots or something-or-another-s by some mad scientist? HA! Like that's gonna happen!" To much of the trio's surprise, three bright yellow beams of light surrounded each of them.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!"

--

"Ugh…" Rika moaned, finally regaining consciousness. "Daffy? Porky?" She took a look good at her surroundings. "Whoa," she whispered in full Keanu Reeves-fashion. She was sitting in bizarre area that was full of shiny and cliché technology one would usually find in a cheesy, low-budget science fiction television series. Seeing that Daffy and Porky were by her side, Rika quickly shook them awake. "Guys, you gotta see this!" But it proved futile as the two were dead asleep and began snoring. Annoyed, Rika pulled a small golden gong from her magic satchel (no, seriously) and rung it with her fist.

Daffy and Porky immediately awoke with widened eyes and heads shaking back and forth rhythmically with the gong. "Who?! What?! Where?! When?!" Daffy babbled, his eyes darting all around. "I'll settle for one: Where the hell are we?!"

"I-I-It's so strang-strang-strang- peculiar," Porky agreed.

Rika then added, "And did you notice that they swapped our clothes for jumpsuits?" She gestured to herself as the trio realized that their highly fashionable outfits have been discarded for revoltingly sickening jumpsuits – Rika's being blue, Daffy's red, and Porky's green.

"Oh, d-d-d-bother," Porky groaned, pulling on one of the cuffs.

"I was better off nude," Daffy grumbled, pulling on the lower half of his jumpsuit.

"EEK!" Rika suddenly screamed.

"W-What is it?!" Porky said, panicking. "A m-monster?! A mass m-murderer?!"

"No, worse!" she said. "Someone must have seen me naked when my clothes were taken for this jumpsuit!" Rika exclaimed melodramatically, hugging herself in fear.

"Ooh…" he sighed, slapping his forehead and allowing it to slide down his face. "W-W-We better f-figure o-o-out where we are," Porky suggested.

Rika nodded. "Yeah." They wandered all through the room, pushing and prodding buttons or pulling and pushing levers for various (and greatly comical) effect. But they just couldn't seem to find any information about where they were. Until Daffy decided to do the obvious thing and look out a window.

"Buh, erg, guys?" Daffy gagged as his pupils shrunk into his corneas and a few feathers struck out of his head.

"What is it, Daffy?" Rika asked, walking over to the window with Porky. She took a look outside. "Gah-erg…"

Porky peeked as well. "Eep."

Space – the Final Frontier. These are the tales of the spacecraft Satellite of Love. Its multiyear mission: to explore strange, old and crappy films, to seek out new ways to keep one from having his or her brain melted from the sheer crappy-ness, to boldly riff bad films where no man has seen before. "We're in space…" Rika whispered in a cool, collected, but obviously frantic one, voice.

Suddenly, a pleasant, calm female voice rang around them. "Welcome," it said. "You were kidnapped by the nefarious Professor Norton Nimnul and brought aboard the Satellite of Love. I am your computer's voice. You may refer to me as the Magic Voice if you wish. We are currently in orbit around the Earth at 150,000 kilometers. Have a nice and safe day…until you must view a film sent by the Professor."

It took a long time for Rika, Daffy and Porky to properly register what had happened to them. They all promptly fainted.

End of Prologue

NL: Oh, crap! Rika, Daffy and Porky have been brought to the Satellite of Love! Sounds like a nice place, but they'll have to keep their brains from melting from bad movies! What will they do?! What will the Heart of Gold Detectives on Earth do?! What kind of crazy adventures will they have?! HOW MUCH POPCORN SHOULD THEY EAT?!

Papa T: Hopefully not enough to give them heartburn…anyway, the next chapter's gonna be where the rest of the Heart of Gold detectives discover the shocking truth. How will they handle it? Keep watching to find out! Until then, read and review!

In loving memory of Don LaFontaine – the Voice of God

(August 26, 1940 – September 1, 2008)