-Cut Up Angels-
Ah, sunny L.A. how I've missed you so. I just stepped off the plane ride from hell. I am officially never flying alone again. I probably would have been able to handle the turbulence better if I didn't have that sweaty kid hitting on me the entire time. He must've been like 13, so gross, but he would not shut up. Not even my iPod could provide enough distraction. I was tempted to tell him I was gay but I figured that might only encourage him more.
So now here I am, L.A. meet the new Spencer Carlin. Let's see, I'm depressed, I have a much darker mind, I'm angered easily, short with my temper, bitchy, sarcastic, lost. The moment that bullet lodged itself in my shoulder was the moment the old Spencer died. Gone is the optimism, the perpetual cheeriness, the bubbly attitude and almost constant smile. I am now a jaded teen, a part of me died that day, and I guess my new attitude reflects that fairly well. How angsty and broody, huh? Welcome back to the madness Spence.
I was only back for a day before school started back up. I hadn't talked to anyone besides my dad. Now I had to get up for the 'fun' to begin. My shoulder twinged in pain as I woke, but I just ignored it, I'm so used to it by now. Of course, I was running late, I'm not much of a punctual person anymore; I could care less if I actually arrive on time.
I arrive with about five minutes to spare. I parked my car and slowly, ever so slowly, dragged my ass out of it. Yeah, I have my own car now; dad bought it for me, nothing special. It's an old LeBaron convertible. I think it suits me somewhat, has a little underlying attitude of its own. So anyway, when I finally got out of my – what I assume will be a rust bucket in a few short years – car, what do I see? Only the head bitch herself circling some prey. Some things never change.
But then I hear it, and I see her. Madison yells something to the effect of 'At least I'm not some dyke who couldn't even keep a cripple happy,' and now I'm pissed. Because I see Ashley, and I know that hurts her, I can see it in her face, even from twenty yards away. I know she's angry, hell I'm angry and I only caught the tail end of the argument. She lunges at Madison, knocks her over, and then she gets flipped and suddenly Ashley is about to get the shit beat out of her. So I do what no one else is willing to, because despite everything I still love Ashley, and because Madison is such a bitch, and because I'm not afraid of her, and I could care less what happens to me. So I go to pull the bitch off of Ashley.
"Get the fuck off of her you low rent whore!"
Everyone gasps. The people that knew me, or at least knew of me, are all surprised by what comes out of my mouth, the way I look, the anger in my eyes. If I had to describe the way I look now compared to last year, I guess I would say it like this; pre-prom Spencer was sweet and innocent, an angel if you will. Post-prom Spencer is like the dark, death angel version. If I added some more black, dyed my hair dark, and fully embraced my inner demons, I might dress completely Goth, but I don't take it that far. I never was one for all black. So I still have my blonde hair, my 'pure' looks, I'm just edgier, harder, definitely angrier. I was Buffy, now I'm Faith. Like I said, I'm not the same person I used to be. And God, why the hell do I seem to need to point out how much I've changed?
So I yank Madison up to a standing position, right in front of me before I lay a blow across her face that sends her flying to the ground. Yeah, I knocked her out, definitely not the old Spencer Carlin. After I'm sure she's not getting up, I chance a glance at Ashley, who is still sitting on the ground, looking at me with a shocked expression. Seeing that she's not seriously hurt, I turn around and just walk away like nothing happened, leaving a mass of students in my wake, not sure what the hell just happened. But they all know, nothing will ever be the same; they shouldn't have expected it to be.
Three days later I'm back standing in front of the school. Why three days you ask, because some idiot teacher caught the end of the fight where I knocked out Madison, so I ended up with a three-day suspension, Madison with a bruise covering the left side of her face and a slight concussion. Yeah, it was so worth it. So now I'm back, and people are making a point of staying out of my way, and I'm pleased with myself. Job well done Spence.
But then I see her walking towards me, and my mood slightly falters, I know I can't avoid her forever, it's already been three months, I owe it to the both of us to not run away again. She still called me every night like she did over the summer, only she called more often, worried I'd gone off the deep end or something. You see no one has really met the new me, except my father, but he still sees the same girl, just a darker, different version, some snarkiness thrown in there, but still the same. So I guess when Ashley finally did see me, only to go all bad ass on Madison like I did, I can understand how she'd be kind of freaked. I guess I am still the same, but not fully. I'd do anything for Ashley, but I don't know if I can go back to the person I once was.
"Hi Spence, how are you?"
"Perfect, you?"
"Been better, thanks for um, the Madison thing. Are you, you know, alright?"
"I'm good. And don't worry about it, that bitch deserved that, you know it, I know it, the whole school knows it."
"Yeah…how's your hand?"
"Just a bruise, I barely even felt it, I'll live."
She cringes at that last statement. She clearly wasn't ready for me to come back like this, so sardonic, changed. I can see she's struggling with whether or not to say something. I know she wants to talk to me, about a lot of stuff, and I really need to talk to her too I guess. So I decide to suck it up and just put myself out there.
"Look, I'm sorry I never answered my phone. I just wasn't ready to talk to you. I know you still love me and you never meant to hurt me. And I still love you too; I don't think anything could change that. So why don't I just meet you at your place after school and we can talk, okay?"
Her face brightens, I'm happy, I haven't been happy in a long time. I don't show it though; I'm more about the steely resolve these days.
"Sure, that'll be great, I'll see you there."
Despite her apparent giddiness, she's still Ashley. She's lived through a lot of shit, but she's remained strong. I think losing me, or the potential of, actually made some part of her crack, weakened her a bit. It hurts somewhat, but I'm also glad that I have that much hold in her life to have that ability to affect her so much. But ever the rebel and tough girl she is, Ashley still seems the same for the most part. You have to look close enough to know that the events of the prom and the after effects have even had an impact on her. I'm glad for that, because she's Ashley Davies, and that's all there is to it.
As she walks away, I see someone else making their way towards me; it takes me a moment to recognize who it is. Glen. I find it odd that I thought I might never actually see him again for some reason, and further weird that I didn't really care.
"Hey Spencer, how've you been?"
"Fine, what do you want Glen?"
"I just haven't seen you in a while, and I wanted to see if you were okay. I missed you; I am still your brother you know."
"Well, I'm good, so…I've got to go, say 'hi' to Clay for me."
"Sure, bye Spencer."
And I walk off. I don't really know what to say to him. It's all awkwardness now. Like I know he still cares about me, but it's like he's afraid I'm going to break or something, it's unnerving. Then, when I found out he was moving in with my mom after the divorce, I just couldn't understand it. After all that woman put our family through, how could he just turn his back on my dad, on me? I guess I will never understand it fully, but it was his choice to make, so I won't question it anymore. My dad tells me he stops by a few times a week, so at least he's not being a total ass, but still.
Shit, now I'm running late. I swear I live in my head way too much these days. But I guess that's the price I pay for spending the summer in a place where there was barely anything to do and I was in full on brood mode anyway. I love my grandmother and all, but when she called me some broody-girl hiding away from life I wanted to scream at her for being so right and so wrong at that same time. But I realized I am that way, I think and don't verbalize a lot more now. Well, onward with the school day, this should be fun.
After an oh so grueling day of not paying attention in any of my classes I headed for my car, silently cursing myself for telling Ashley I'd meet up with her. How the hell do I even explain what I have to say, do I even know what I have to say? Ugh, life officially sucks, but I know that already, I've got the scar to prove it. See, I have a feeling I'll be doing that a lot, whatever I may be talking about I'll inevitably be able to find some way to bring it around to the fact that yes, I was shot. Whop de do, get over it already. I've got the conversation of awkward hell to look forward to. Maybe my car will die and I won't be able to make it. With my luck I doubt it though, this car isn't that big of a piece of shit, but here's to hoping.
I made it, under twenty minutes later, and I'm standing in front of Ashley's door, knocking. She opens, flashes a bright smile before reining it back in for a more reserved and cool one, then motions for me to come in.
"So, uh, how've you been, your summer and all?"
"Oh, it was fine. Me and Kyla pretty much just hung around here. We didn't really do much."
"Yeah, me too."
An awkward silence filled the air and Ashley motioned for me to follow her upstairs. I sat on her couch and took in her room, it looked exactly the same. Then she finally sat down next to me, but with enough room between us to make it painfully aware how uncomfortable we both felt. In all of my nervousness I pushed up the sleeves on my shirt and stretched my arms out. I had completely forgotten why I wore long sleeves in the first place. Fuck me, here it comes.
"Spencer! What happened to your arm!?"
Shit.
"Oh, um, coping mechanism is guess. Don't worry, it's not that bad, and I'm pretty much over it."
"You, you cut yourself?"
I could see tears forming in her eyes; I didn't really know what to do, so I just hung my head and answered honestly.
"Yeah. Don't cry Ash, it's not your fault."
"It doesn't matter, you did that to yourself because you were hurting, and I caused at least a part of that."
"Maybe, but there are a lot of factors for why I have been hurting, and still am hurting. You're a small part of that, yes, but in no way are you to blame. You know who I blame? I blame those idiots who shot up the school, I blame Aiden for being an ass, I blame my mother for being the hypocrite she is and not loving me…"
Yes, my mother refuses to accept me. After she figured out that Ashley wasn't going to be stopping by while I was in the hospital, she assumed we broke up; she had the nerve to tell me I would be 'better' without her around.
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"Spencer, I just mean that without…her around anymore, you can go back to being normal. You got this phase out of your system now, thank the lord. Now you will be able to set right all of your sins and be welcomed back into the good graces of God."
"Mother, whether or not I am with Ashley, I'm still gay, nothing will change that. Just because she isn't here, doesn't mean that I'm going back to being the sad repressed little girl I was in Ohio. That wasn't me, I've finally accepted myself for who I am, why can't you?"
"I'm sorry Spencer, I just cannot condone this. I will not have you being that way, I can't stand by and watch you sin like this."
Piece of work, I know. That was one of the last times I saw her, she checked up on me a few times before I left the hospital, but that was it. I think when it finally got through her thick head that Ashley didn't make me gay and I was going to stay that way, she admitted defeat. But she still wouldn't accept me for me, so after she left my dad, she effectively shut me out of her life. I can't say I don't miss her, because I do, but I think things might actually be better this way. I hate her so much, but she is still my mother, I just wish she were different.
"…I blame her for so much, just because of how much she is hurting me with her behavior. And I blame me, for being so naïve and blind to what was going on around me. I blame myself for a lot of things, and I blame the world. But at a certain point I can't blame anyone else, so it just is. It is what it is Ashley, and what I did to my arm here, had nothing to do with you."
"I wish I could believe that."
"Believe what you want, I just told you the truth. Look, part of the reason I started cutting was the pain. Not only in my shoulder, but the pain in my heart. I knew, know, that you love me. And I love you, so much. But sometimes I'm not sure if that's enough. I'm a different person now, and I don't want to hurt you anymore than I already have. So yeah, sometimes when I was feeling too much pain, or not enough, none at all, I would cut myself, in hopes of grounding me, reminding me that I am alive, that I didn't die that day. I don't know half of the reasons I did it, but I haven't done it in over a month, I just haven't needed to, so I think I'm okay in that department."
"Everything's going to be okay, you'll see. And it doesn't matter how much you think you've changed, because you're still you, and I still love you, no matter what. I'm not going anywhere Spencer, know that."
"Okay. Well, as much as I enjoyed this conversation, I have to get going. Dad and I are redecorating the house, and I have some unpacking to do. I'll see you at school, and we'll talk again soon, I promise."
"Bye Spence."
"Later Ash."
Yeah, I bailed. So what? I found myself in the tail end of a hellishly uncomfortable conversation and I panicked. Sue me.
