Ichigo wasn't sure when he'd started knowing he was different. Whenever he tried to look back, he could only recall a feeling of wrongness, like he was too big for his body and everything fit all wrong. It made him clumsy in his young age, and prone to crying easily. His temper fluctuated, going from easily pleased to furious, wailing tantrums that left his parents confused, frantic, and sleepless for the night.

He liked karate class. His mother had suggested it, hoping it would give him an outlet for his pent-up energy. The first few days were a nightmare, Ichigo lashing out at his opponents and reveling in the rush of freedom and glee in every punch and kick he doled out. It was only when a little girl with black hair as spiky as his kicked him to the ground that he got the reality check he needed- and with it, a new rival. Tatsuki's win forced him to learn to control himself, to think and strike with intention rather than just throwing his limbs about. He went home exhausted everyday, but there was always either a feeling of accomplishment or a drive to improve when he did.

The thing inside him settled around then, grudgingly at first, then went limp altogether. It made him sad, and he didn't know why. That time of his life was marked by fits of weeping in the early hours of morning, and constantly seeking comfort in his puzzled mother. He gained a sudden, abject terror of being left alone, and refused to go anywhere without a companion when he used to be so proud of walking home alone.

He befriended Tatsuki one day when a bunch of boys tried to pick on her for being such a tomboy. He came to her defense so vehemently that he'd surprised everyone there, including himself. The next day, Tatsuki beat his ass into the mat as per usual, and he gave her as good as he got right back. Afterward, she eyed him with the kind of intensity only children could have, then held out her hand and said, "You don't suck so bad… for a boy."

He told his mom all about it with a black eye, a split lip, and a toothy grin on the way back home. She smiled, patted him on the head, then asked him what he felt about getting a new little sister.

He ended up with two sisters, and he loved them to death. Now, on his walks home, he would drag his mom into bookstores and toy shops and point excitedly at everything, asking if they could get this for Karin, or that for Yuzu, or something for them both. He loved going to the clothing stores the most, picking out blues and greens and monstrous looking dresses that seemed to be made of more ruffle than skirt. His mom would always look at him oddly, but humored him nonetheless, nodding at some of his choices and telling him what a good big brother he was. Those words always made him frown momentarily, because it would bring back to the forefront that wrongness he never stopped feeling, but he always smiled in the end for the praise.

Tatsuki would sometimes come over and help him watch the twins. They took turns choosing what kind of pretend games to play, like playing house for Yuzu, ghost stories for Karin, and epic battles with Tatsuki. They all looked forward to the times when Dad was available, because he was always happy to play the big bad monster of the day- and he always made a great one too. Mom would come home to the sounds of shrieking children, trying to save Yuzu-hime from the Scary Beard Oni without falling into the hot lava below. She'd smile, and cover her mouth while she laughed, before bringing out the groceries and cooking them all her signature batch of cheese-and-chicken curry.

His parents loved him, his little sisters adored him, and he had a friend who would beat him up then beat up whoever tried to do it for her. So, despite the constant itch between his legs and the odd moods he'd still get, Ichigo's life was pretty great.

Until one day he saw a small girl in white while walking home by the river.

His hand was already loosening in his mother's grip and his feet were stepping forward to save the girl. Too close, she's too close to the river, mom always said to stay away from the river when it rained-

Then something seemed to slam into him from the inside, screaming at him to [stop], and to [look you stupid boy], and again, [look!]

Ichigo, out of shock more than anything, stopped and looked. He looked, and saw something vague and furry behind the girl standing too close to the roaring river. The blurry thing made him feel queasy, made his stomach churn and his heartbeat go loud in his ears. Then the voice told him to [run], so he tightened his grip on his mom's hand and tried to drag her away.

She looked at him, then looked at the girl, then she let go of his hand, pushed him behind her and told him to run. It frightened Ichigo, poor, small Ichigo, because he'd never seen his mom looked so scared. The memory would stay in his mind long after the event. He would never see her look so scared again.

Masaki Kurosaki died shielding her son from an unknown attacker and left her family reeling in her wake. The boy especially was inconsolable, having witnessed the attack. Trauma made him lose the memory but retain the terror and guilt from having survived.

The funeral was small. Masaki hadn't been on good terms with her family, and all of Isshin's relatives were dead. Tatsuki's family attended, and so did a tall man with glasses that nobody seemed to know. Everyone was silent. The family looked numb — the boy, hollow-eyed; the twins, uncomprehending still; and the father, a shadow of himself, behind them.

It was only when Ichigo looked down on his mother's grave that he realized two things:

One, she was not Ichigo Kurosaki. And two, she had not been able to save their mother.


A/N: Yeah, this is the Bleach fic I've been teasing for ages. I've always been so nervous about posting it because it's not just SI-gets-stuck-in-opposite-sex-chara, it'll tackle dysphoria and the like and essentially treat Ichigo as transgender with a little extra on the side. I'm hoping for some (constructive! if not good) feedback to fuel my writing for the next chapters lmao. Consider these first two chapters as a preview of what's to come.

You can also find this on my ao3 (fw_feathers). It's more updated there.

Cheers!