The Spank Bank Discovery Act I J. Franklin
THE SPANK BANK DISCOVERY
ACT I
(SCENE: PENNY'S apartment. PENNY, AMY, and BERNADETTE are all drinking wine in the kitchen. BERNADETTE is downcast.)
BERNADETTE: I just don't know why Howie needs to keep those pictures on his computer! It makes me feel like I'm not enough woman for him!
PENNY: Relax. You are PLENTY of woman for Howard Wolowitz!
AMY: It's true. You are. (Turns to PENNY and drops voice) You'd be even more!
PENNY: (Uneasily) Um…thanks.
BERNADETTE: But then why does he need to keep all those pictures!
PENNY: Who knows? Guys are strange.
AMY: Actually, I think I can explain it. It's a natural biological reaction of the male nervous system to be visually aroused by the site of a woman. The pupil of a woman's eye dilates the most when she sees an infant; the male when he sees a naked female. It's Mother Nature's cause-and-effect writ large. (Pauses) That's why I always dress down at work! (Pauses again) Oh, but this is about being supportive of fellow women! Never mind!
BERNADETTE: But isn't that disrespectful to a man's wife for him to keep his porn?
AMY: Perhaps. But it's still going to happen. If you make him destroy the collection, he's just going to ogle women on the Internet behind your back.
BERNADETTE: But does he need to keep all of those pictures?
PENNY: How many does he have?
BERNADETTE: At least three hard drives' worth! (PENNY and AMY gag on wine.) Howie doesn't know I know about all of them, and I haven't told him because I don't want to make things any worse than they already are!
PENNY: (Sips wine and thinks.) Well, do you know where he keeps them?
BERNADETTE: Yes. In the back of his closet.
PENNY: Well, you could arrange for an (makes quotation marks with fingers) "accident" to happen to them!
BERNADETTE: Like what?
AMY: I've heard putting magnets on them works.
PENNY: I was thinking of just throwing them in the trash. You know, "by mistake."
BERNADETTE: I couldn't do that. Then he'd be upset.
PENNY: Aren't YOU upset?
BERNADETTE: Yes, but I don't want both of us to be angry. That always leads to shouting and arguments – and then my dad eventually stepping in to settle things and me having to go down to the courthouse to bail him out…(Her cell phone rings.) Hang on. (Answers) Yes? (Pauses) Really? Oh, Howie, that's wonderful! Thank you so much! (Pauses) Yes, I love you, too! Okay! Bye! (Hangs up)
AMY: What's up?
BERNADETTE: Howie just said he got rid of the entire collection! He said he loves me and doesn't want to do anything that would jeopardize what we have!
AMY: That's great!
PENNY: (Frowning) Hmm. (Pause) I'm not convinced.
AMY: Why?
PENNY: He caved too easily.
BERNADETTE: But he said he got rid of it. Shouldn't I trust him?
PENNY: Not at all.
BERNADETTE: Why not?
AMY: Because he's a man?
PENNY: No, because he's Howard Wolowitz!
(Dissolve to: The Cal-Tech cafeteria. SHELDON, LEONARD, and HOWARD are having lunch.)
LEONARD: So, everything okay on the home front?
HOWARD: (Smiles) Yep. Everything is back to normal!
SHELDON: No hard feelings?
HOWARD: Nope. She's happy, so now I'm allowed to be happy! (Pauses) All signs of marital discord have vanished completely!
SHELDON: Speaking of vanished completely, has anybody seen Koothrappali lately?
LEONARD: I saw him a couple of days ago.
HOWARD: And I talked to him last night.
SHELDON: Really? What has he been doing?
HOWARD: I think he joined a gym!
LEONARD: Koothrappali joined a gym? (Pauses) What makes you say that?
HOWARD: I don't know. He just sounded really out of breath when I called him. Said something about having to take a shower, too. (Shrugs)
SHELDON: (Looks past HOWARD) Oh, speak of the devil. Here he comes!
(RAJ enters, shuffling and stumbling badly. His clothes are disheveled, his hair is uncombed, and he has several days of stubble on his face.)
LEONARD: What the hell happened to you?
RAJ: (Collapses in chair) I didn't get any sleep last night!
LEONARD: You didn't Why not?
HOWARD: Were you working or something?
RAJ: (Pauses) Yeah, let's go with that.
SHELDON: Call me a skeptic, but I don't think Mr. Koothrappali has joined a gym.
RAJ: (Blinking) A gym? What makes you guys think that?
HOWARD: Well, for starters, we never see you, and when we do, you're always out of breath…
LEONARD: And I've only seen you in the restroom.
RAJ: (Uncomfortable) Uh, yeah…
HOWARD: (Realizes) Oh, my God! You've been going through the collection, haven't you?
RAJ: (Defensive) What? No!
HOWARD: Don't lie. It's all over your face.
RAJ: (Takes several deep breaths) Okay, yes! Alright?
HOWARD: And now you're hooked and can't stop.
RAJ: Yes, and it's all your fault!
HOWARD: I warned you! (Pauses. Smiles.) So, which one was it last night? The Irish dominatrix? The Russian contortionist?
RAJ: (Quietly) Neither. It was identical twin Asian lesbians.
HOWARD: (Gasps) What?! You can't just start at the top like that! You've got to work your way up slowly and prepare yourself first!
LEONARD: (Cutting in) I know I'm going to regret this, but can either of you tell me what in the hell you're talking about?
HOWARD: The collection! If you've never seen that stuff before, there's no way you can fully prepare for it. Raj has jumped into it all too quickly and he's getting overwhelmed!
RAJ: (Angry) No, I'm not! (Tries lifting his juice and drops it.)
HOWARD: Uh-huh. The ability to grip objects is the first thing to go.
RAJ: Shut up!
HOWARD: (Sipping juice) His vision will be next. You can't keep squinting like that and not let it have some impact on your eyesight.
RAJ: (Shakes head) What am I supposed to do?
LEONARD: Well, you could always just back off the porn!
SHELDON: For once, I actually agree with Leonard. Your ability to relate to three-dimensional women is going to be forever jeopardized if you limit your exposure to two-dimensional ones.
HOWARD: How would you know?
SHELDON: Because that's what Amy told me when the topic of your collection came up.
RAJ: (Exhausted) But I've got to get some work done! (Pushes tray back) I'm going to go and get some more coffee! (Rises to his feet)
HOWARD: (Wrinkles his nose as he walks past) Another shower would probably be a good idea, too! (RAJ leaves)
LEONARD: You really think he's gonna be okay with all that stuff?
HOWARD: (Smirks and shakes his head) Nah, it's just because it's new. Once the novelty wears off, he'll be fine.
SHELDON: Will that be before or after he loses all physical mobility and eyesight? (HOWARD pauses. Shrugs)
(Dissolve to: LEONARD in his lab working on an experiment. HOWARD rushes in.)
HOWARD: (Concerned) Did you see Koothrappali's message?!
LEONARD: (Removes goggles) No. What happened?
HOWARD: (Showing him smartphone) Look at this! He says, "Urgent! Please hurry! Defcon Red!"
LEONARD: Defcon red?! There's no such condition!
HOWARD: I know. He's blended Star Trek alert designations with Defense Department conditions. He must be losing his mind!
LEONARD: Well, hold on, it can't be that bad. Let's just get Sheldon and go and see him!
(Cut to: RAJ's office. His desk is covered with paper towels and Styrofoam cups along with a personal coffee maker. He is pacing frantically and guzzling from another cup. HOWARD, SHELDON, and LEONARD arrive.)
LEONARD: What's up – hey, what happened to your office?
RAJ: (Nervous) Dude! I am so, so screwed right now it's not even funny!
LEONARD: Well, hold on. Just relax. Tell us what happened.
RAJ: (Hands shaking) I don't know how it happened. But I'm so screwed – and I think all of you are, too!
HOWARD: (Quietly) That got our attention.
RAJ: I took my work laptop home last night to get some work done. But then I had to come back to the office because I forgot some files. When I came back, I brought my personal laptop by mistake and plugged it into the system!
LEONARD: So?
RAJ: So? (Pauses) I think I uploaded all of the porn to the university computer system!
HOWARD: (Aghast) You WHAT?!
RAJ: It's because I haven't gotten any sleep lately! I was plugging the laptop in and trying to boot up the computer and then I…(Pauses)…took…a break…before downloading my files!
HOWARD: You took a break?
RAJ: Yes. But just for a few minutes.
HOWARD: I see.
RAJ: Anyway, when I went to switch the files I accidentally backed up the laptop on the university system. Now all the porn is on the main drive!
HOWARD: HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?!
RAJ: You try operating a computer without any sleep after three days!
HOWARD: You realize what this means? You may have just single-handedly destroyed all our careers! (Pauses. Narrows his gaze) Speaking of single-handedly, was that by any chance how you were typing at the time this happened?
RAJ: (Hangs head)
SHELDON: Well, I don't see what the problem is! All you need to do is go back on the main and remove the files!
RAJ: Don't you think I thought of that! This happened LAST night!
SHELDON: So?
RAJ: So, the system backs up at midnight to the external server as part of the university data recovery process. That means –
LEONARD: (Groaning) That means even if we get rid of the porn on the main drive here, it's still on the backup at the offsite storage location!
RAJ: Exactly!
HOWARD: Well, okay, then Raj here just bites the bullet and takes the blame!
RAJ: (Shakes head) Not so fast, dude!
HOWARD: Hey, sorry to throw you under the bus, buddy, but that's the way it goes!
RAJ: No, it doesn't.
HOWARD: Why not?
RAJ: Because the folder is titled "Howard's Porn Collection."
HOWARD: WHAT?!
RAJ: Hey, don't blame me. You gave it the title. (Pauses) You even added "Volume I of III!"
HOWARD: (Slapping forehead) Oh, my God!
SHELDON: Well, okay! Hold on, now! All we need to do is delete the files from the main drive here and then retrieve them from the backup site.
RAJ: How? The backups are disconnected from the Internet after the saving cycle is run! We'd have to go there physically to do it! (Pauses. All the guys look at him.) Oh, no! You can't be serious!
HOWARD: What other choice is there?
RAJ: There has to be one!
HOWARD: No, there isn't. (Takes a deep breath and looks at LEONARD and SHELDON) Gentlemen, it looks as if we're going to have to burglarize our own porn!
7
