A/N: Well it took me long enough to update, didn't it?� Five months.� Ack.� Please review!


"…So then, out of nowhere, a Bludger came straight at me, right at my head. So what I did was I just sort of rolled over, and I could hear it swoo… Hey Lily! Lily! C'mere a minute!" James interrupted his intense reenactment of his last quidditch match – Gryffindor versus Hufflepuff, a story they'd all heard a thousand times – as Lily walked into the Great Hall.

Sirius caught Peter's eye and they both rolled their eyes in James's direction, Sirius's lingering perhaps a few seconds longer then necessary.

"What are you howling about James?" she asked, sidling up to him and giving him a peck on the cheek, and pushing Remus over (gently, mind) to make room for herself on the bench.

"Nothing. We were just talking about the last game when we slaughtered Hufflepuff."

"Correction – you were talking about the last game when we slaughtered Hufflepuff. We here were just trying to eat our breakfast." Remus cut in jokingly.

"Well, here's my take on things," Sirius said, waving his half-eaten sausage in James's direction. "See now, Hufflepuff has some serious beaters, but that's not the issue with Ravenclaw. What we have to watch out for is their seeker. He's as quick as Wex is, and twice as shrewd. You better rack up the points early in the game James, or Gryffindor won't stand a chance. It's going to be a tight game, it is."

Lily began to tune out the mindless quidditch talk, focusing more on her thoughts than anything else. Sirius was acting oddly again. It wasn't anything he had said, or really anything he was doing, it was something in his mannerisms that made her look twice.

Was it just her or was he looking at James a bit too long, speaking to James a bit too exclusively? It was almost as if he had – but no. She wouldn't think it. It was impossible that he would have such an inclination. Yet, it wasn't the first time she had wondered about him. There was that time, towards the end of last year that she had questioned. But Remus had seemed so oblivious, she must have imagined it – just as she was imagining it now.

She took another sip of her pumpkin juice.

"Well I must be off." James's voice invaded her thoughts. "Got to pep up the team! Enjoy the rest of your breakfasts! Sorry it's not as good as it would have been in bed." He winked at Lily, grinned at Sirius, and then turned to leave for the pitch.

Sirius's eyes followed James out the Great Hall. Lily and Remus's eyes followed Sirius's.

Twenty minutes later the entirety of the school was on the grounds, excited about the last game before the Christmas holiday. A crowd of sixth year Hufflepuffs booed as Sirius, Remus, Peter and Lily walked by, still bitter from their previous loss.
¦lt;/p

A few Slytherins snickered. The only house cheering for Gryffindor was their own.

Peter pointed out a bench towards the middle of the pitch that appeared to have room for them all, and the group budged by to get to it. The match was about to begin.

James stood out in the middle of the quidditch pitch, broom in hand, staring down the captain of the Ravenclaw team. Both refused to blink, and when told to shake hands, they did so stiffly.

It was a defining match for both teams.

It was the first game of the season for Ravenclaw, but they had beaten the Hufflepuff team in the past, and knew they could do it again. It was Gryffindor that stood in their way of winning the cup.

The whistle sounded and both teams leapt onto their brooms, soaring upwards with the movement.

Ravenclaw got the quaffle, and their chaser took off towards the end of the arena. James tore after him, nodding towards one of his beaters.

The beater gave James a thumbs up, and flew directly towards a bludger, came up close behind it. A hard crack reverberated through the frosty air as the bludger changed course and headed directly for the Ravenclaw chaser. He dropped the quaffle as the bludger slammed into his shoulder, almost unseating him from his broom.

A Gryffindor chaser caught the quaffle from underneath, and flew towards the other end of the pitch.

James dropped under him, flying just a bit behind, waiting for the signal. The Gryffindor chaser made a faux pass to the left, then dropped the ball below to James as the other team gained on him.

James put on a burst of speed and shot forward. He balanced the ball perfectly in his hands, wondering vaguely if Sirius was watching, then threw hard towards the left goal hoop, though he was far closer to the right one.

The keeper reached for the quaffle and felt it slide against his fingertips as it flew past him and into the hoop.

The Gryffindors cheered. It was a good omen to have won the first point of the game.

---

"What an amazing game! So close! Slytherin will have to beat Ravenclaw spectacularly to even have a chance! I'm thinking this calls for a PARTY IN THE GRYFFINDOR TOWER!" Sirius shouted into the crowd as he, Peter, Remus and Lily waited outside the changing rooms for James.

"So what do you guys think, James and I will run for some butterbeer, and you and Peter rummage up whatever you can from the house elves, yeah?" Sirius added, directing his question towards Remus.

"Yeah, but why don't you and I get the butterbeer, and James and Peter go to the kitchens? Going to the kitchen will take less time, and James is the captain. The house is going to want to see him." Remus suggested.

Sirius looked disappointed for half a second, then fixed a smile on his face and nodded. It made sense.

Lily, who was pretending not to hear the three marauders planning to break school rules, beamed when she saw James swagger out of the changing rooms with his broom over his shoulder, obviously making a show for the crowd.

Sirius turned away as James bent down to give her a kiss. Peter gave James a high five, congratulating him on winning the game, then started filling him in on the plan as they walked up to the Gryffindor tower.

"Awesome. Okay, who do you think should get the cloak? Padfoot and Moony should obviously get the map, because they'd get into the most trouble if caught, so I think Peter and me should get the cloak, yeah?" James said, not actually expecting anyone to answer back. "Lily, want to stand guard?"

"No. I will not have any participation in your rule breaking activities and I most certainly will not help you carry them out." Lily responded.

"So you don't want us to get you any sugar quills while we're in Hogsmeade? Because I don't know about you Padfoot, but if we're going to be set loose in Honeydukes with James's money, I don't see why we should spend it on sugar quills. I've always been rather fond of the Cockroach Clusters myself." Remus joked as he held open the door to the castle for everyone to enter.

"I quite agree, Mr. Moony." Sirius said, straightening his posture and taking up a posh accent. "I rather believe that the money would be better spent on books, and things of learningish nature. I'm particularly surprised Miss Evans would ever consent to the purchase of such silly items as sugar quills. Silly, silly Evans."

"Shut up," Lily said, blushing slightly at her weakness for sweets, pushing Remus aside into Sirius, who had been pretending to take a puff of an imaginary cigar.

Remus reddened faintly at the physical contact, but fortunately it went unnoticed.

"Right, so it's agreed then," James continued, ignoring the others completely. "Remus and Sirius will get the Butterbeer and sweets, and Peter and I will get some food from the kitchen."

"James, you really shouldn't break so many rules, I mean, you are Head Boy, you should set an example for your fellow students."

"Why? You set more then enough of an example for him," Sirius retorted. Lily turned and glared at him. He returned the look.

"Fine. Do as you please. If you need me I'll be up in the tower minding my own business." Lily said, walking ahead of them to get away.

"While you're up there sulking why not get us back that cloak?" Sirius called out to her back.

Lily stormed up to the Gryffindor tower, but returned nevertheless as the marauders were crawling into the portrait hole with the cloak in her hand.

"Don't get caught." She said as she handed them the cloak, then walked away.

---

"Sirius, you should really lighten up on Lily a bit. What's your problem with her anyway?" Remus asked ten minutes later, as he and Sirius walked towards Honeydukes through the tunnel behind the one-eyed witch.

"What problem? I don't know what you're talking about." Sirius defended.

"And what about James?"

"What about James?"

"It was just, I get the feeling that maybe you… Sirius, do you have feelings for James?" Remus rushed on before he could be interrupted, "because I think you do, and I think that that's why you're short with Lily. Because you're jealous."

"I have no idea what you're talking about. James is my best friend. And we better hurry up if we are going to get back to Hogwarts before the party starts." Sirius said, quickening his step.

Remus resigned to leave the argument alone, for now at least. He wasn't really sure he wanted to know the answer in the first place.

He and Sirius walked the rest of the way to Honeydukes and back in near silence, only speaking to decide who should go on to the Three Broomsticks for butterbeer and who should pick out the sweets.

As the two began ascending the slope back into Hogwarts, Sirius ahead with an armload of sweets, Remus lagging behind with a box full of butterbeer bottles, they saw James's invisibility cloak folded carefully right behind the hump of the one-eyed witch. After a few poor attempts to fit under the cloak without touching and still carrying their heavy packages, Sirius was forced to stop and adjust the situation so that they could get through the entranceway back into the school without being seen.

Sirius told Remus to put his box on the ground. He placed his bags of candies on top, then had Remus stand on one side of the box, while he stood on the other.

They covered themselves with the cloak, then picked up the box together.

Their arms touched and Remus looked at the floor, hiding his face. He hadn't been so close to Sirius in a long time. It was unsettling, and made him rather thankful for the bulky fabric of his robes to conceal his need.

He had to find a way to get through to Sirius. James had a good thing going with Lily, something he'd been wanting a long time.

They were happy, they were in love.

Besides, Remus wasn't sure if he could handle the two of them together. He didn't mind so much when Sirius was with girls, because he knew it was shallow, emotionless. But if Sirius found another guy… it would really be over then.

It had been over between them for near six months already, why couldn't he get over him? He wasn't even gay – if he was, he wouldn't have been attracted to Julia, though that relationship had ended rather badly. Remus just couldn't bring himself to tell her that he was a werewolf, and eventually she ended it with him on the terms that he 'just held back too much.' But really, Sirius wasn't even a real relationship, or it wasn't supposed to be, at least.

Rebound sex.

Sirius was just supposed to be rebound sex. Purely physical. Remus couldn't even remember how it all started. One minute he had been sulking in the kitchens over a bowl of pudding, and the next it was just Sirius.

But then maybe – maybe it had always been Sirius.

"Um, Remus?" Sirius said, feigning concern. Remus jerked to attention, and looked at Sirius, his eyes wide like a deer caught in the headlights.

"Huh?"

"You okay?"

"Yeah, why?" Remus asked, dumbfounded.

"Because you've been staring at the floor for the past five minutes and we kind of have a party to get to."

"Oh. Right. Sorry." Remus said, side-stepping out from behind the one-eyed witch's statue, redder then even before. Sirius gave Remus a look, trying to read him, then shrugged it off. He had a party to attend, and a champion to greet.

"What took you guys so long?" James asked, the second he saw the portrait hole open, without any visible reason. A few people looked over to James, wondering if he knew he was talking to a wall, but then they turned back to their previous conversation. James shook his head, then spread his arms wide, and walked through the party saying loudly, "Make way for the king!"

People moved out of his way, and watched him walk right up to the tables with food he'd brought from the kitchens, then walk normally over to the fireplace, clearing his voice loudly so that people would turn to look at him.

"My fellow Gryffindors, a toast! To another Gryffindor victory! And many more to come!" James said, raising his goblet of juice into the air.

Many people raised their hands up with him, and a few could be heard crying, "Hear, hear!" Lily snorted into her pumpkin juice as she watched Sirius pull the cloak off himself and Remus, and dump the sacks of candy onto the table, leaving the box of butterbeer on the floor next to the table.

"And now, good chaps, dessert is served!" James presented, looking over to the table of food. James made his way over to the table where Lily and Peter were sitting, and took a seat next to Lily.

Remus and Sirius quickly joined them, bringing along a bottle of butterbeer to share and an extra chair, which Sirius placed next to James and sat in, taking a bite of his sandwich.

"So really, what took you guys so long?" James asked again.

"Well, we had to wait forever to pay, didn't we?"

"That reminds me, can I have my change please?" James said, sticking his hand out for his money. He never expected the others to pay, they hardly could. Sirius had no money since he'd excommunicated himself from his family and moved in with the Potters, and Remus's parents were strict about frivolous spending. Peter was able to contribute a bit, but he never seemed to have much. Besides, James had more than enough money for everyone.

It meant nothing to him.

As James pocketed the few sickles and knuts Remus handed him, the conversation naturally turned to quidditch, and the game.

Lily sat back and watched the boys talk animatedly through the high points of the match, Sirius more enthusiastic maybe, than the others.

"Hey Sirius, I was wondering something." Lily interrupted them. They all turned to look at her, realizing she was still there. "Why don't you play quidditch if you love the game so much?"

"Might tarnish his bad reputation." Remus joked, looking teasingly at Sirius.

"Yeah, he has an image to keep up." Peter snorted.

"Besides, when else would he be able to work in all that bonking time under the pitch if not during our practices?" James grinned, as Sirius paled then reddened.

James didn't seem to notice though, and that relieved Sirius.

He must not know, it's not like he could, Sirius thought. Honestly. How could he know?

The girls he snuck back there with were still oblivious to why that is his spot. And why he only wants to go there during practice. James's practice. To watch him fly, to get off on watching him fly. He is never sexier then when he's flying out on the pitch, free and without inhibition, the wind in his hair and the world under his feet.

Or when he's done, sweating slightly and out of breath, walking back to the castle, his broom over his shoulder. Sirius never wants to shag him more then right then.

They're right though, Sirius thought. He has a reputation to maintain. If anyone found out he'd be ruined. James would turn away from him in disgust, even Remus did, though he seemed to enjoy being with Sirius at first. Sirius just – he kind of feels bad sometimes, for using these girls.

What would they do if they knew?

What if they knew that they were just substitutions for a love they could never live up to? Everyone would turn away. Sirius couldn't handle that. All he has is his friends and his reputation.

"Sirius, hey Siriuuus?" James called out in a sing-song voice.

"What?" Sirius said, snapping back to the present.

"You okay?" James asked, concerned.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine. Just blanked out a bit. I probably need food. I'll go get some." Sirius said walking quickly away, the half sandwich he'd been eating forgotten in his hand.

Lily watched him walk roughly away, eyes cold with contempt. She knew that look, the one where a person's eyes glaze over and a barely-there smile forms on the lips from thoughts of another.

She hated that look.

The timing, the conversation – he could only have been thinking of one. Her James. He would not have her James. She would make sure of it.

James started to get up, to follow Sirius and find out what was wrong with him, but Lily grabbed his arm and pulled him down to her. He looked at her puzzlingly, until she parted her lips and leaned up to meet him. He knew what to do from there.

Lily stood to get closer to James, and ran her fingers through his hair. He wrapped his arms around her waist and held her tight against his groin.

Lily opened her eyes as the kiss intensified, and looked over to the food table. Sirius was watching them, a malevolent look in his eye.

Lily smiled and pushed her tongue into James's mouth, closing her eyes and grinding softly against him.

James was hers and she would make sure Sirius knew it.

Sirius looked away, sickened by the gross display of affection. He glanced over to Remus and Peter, who were still discussing the game, then turned away. He wasn't in the mood for a party anymore. Remus watched as Sirius stormed over to the stairwell leading to the boys dormitories, and slam the door behind him. A few people turned at the noise, but then returned to their conversations. Remus excused himself on the pretext that he had to go to the loo, and followed Sirius upstairs.

Remus closed the door behind him gently, cringing as the catch clicked.

Sirius was face down on his bed.

He was very still, and was holding a pillow over his head. Remus walked over and sat next to him, setting a hand on his shoulder. Sirius flinched at the contact, but didn't bother to lift his head and see who it was. Remus sighed, then laid back on Sirius's bed with him, and stared at the ceiling.

After a few minutes of laying in silence, Remus turned to his side to look at Sirius.

He was still on his stomach, pillow pressed suffocatingly over his head. His body rose and fell, shaking with every other uneven breath he took.

It broke Remus's heart to see him like this.

An inch of skin was visible between the pillow Sirius was under and the collar of his robe.

Remus leaned over and licked it.

He pushed Sirius's hair out of the way, nibbling along his jaw line. Sirius began to relax, and when Remus was stopped by the pillow, Sirius allowed him to push it aside, though he made no effort to help.

As Remus got close to Sirius's lips, he lifted Sirius up to his side, pressing his body against his own.

Remus parted Sirius's lips with his tongue, and entered slowly, relishing the taste.

It had been too long.

Remus could feel Sirius grow hard against him, and groaned as he felt his own need grow.

Sirius could feel it too and began to grind against him, slowly pushing Remus down on his back as he climbed on top of him, taking control of the situation. They rubbed up against each other, quickly establishing a rhythm.

Sirius began pushing up the hem of Remus's robes, putting his hands under, stroking Remus's inner thigh. He slid his hand to Remus's hardness and felt Remus tense. He was breathing hard and when he felt Sirius slip his hand under his pants, Remus was barely able to choke out the word stop. Sirius chuckled, though it sounded more like a growl, and gave Remus a good squeeze. Remus fought the urge to moan as he tried to climb out from underneath Sirius.

He failed at both.

Finally he pushed Sirius's hand away, clearly telling him to stop.

"Are you kidding me?" Sirius huffed, offended as he stopped and lifted himself off of Remus.

Remus adjusted his robes quickly, covering himself up, and moving to a sitting position.

"Sorry," Remus mumbled.

"God, I thought you were over this, what's your problem?"

"Nothing, I… I don't know." Remus said, upset with himself. He didn't think he could even begin to explain his actions.

"I don't get you! When we first, in the beginning you had no problem putting out! What changed?"

"I don't know! I guess I'm not in the mood."

"No Remus, I don't mean now. I mean when we were together. What changed?" Remus knew what he had meant, but he couldn't answer. It was too painful.

When they'd first got together they'd snogged everywhere – broom closets, the kitchens, behind the greenhouses, even the prefect's bathroom.

They had sex as often as they could, and had once even gone so far as to sneak out to the Shrieking Shack to see if they couldn't scare some of the locals with the noises they could make.

Slowly though, things began to change. Remus would seek Sirius out when he was down, or just needed to talk. He felt himself getting jealous over the time Sirius spent with James, and would sulk for hours about it. When he was with Sirius he was the happiest he had ever been, and when Sirius was away from him he was miserable.

And then he realized why, and that's when everything stopped. He loved Sirius; he was in love with Sirius.

At first when Remus had become conscious of this he was filled with exhilaration and bliss, but that soon gave way to terror. He couldn't be gay, he just couldn't. What if people found out? Him, a gay werewolf. He'd be excommunicated from wizarding society. Remus wouldn't be able to stand that. He could not be gay. He could not be in love with Sirius; it wasn't right.

The next time Sirius wanted to have sex with him he said no. After being rejected a few times more, Sirius had ended it.

It wasn't until after the relationship was over that Remus realized how stupid he'd been, and how much he missed Sirius.

Now it was just too hard; it would mean too much to Remus, and it hurt too much to know Sirius was likely thinking of another all the while.

Sirius was still waiting for an answer, but Remus didn't have one for him, so he just shook his head and stared at his feet.

"Oh, come on Remus, you do know. You know everything that is worth knowing. Merlin!" Sirius exclaimed, throwing his hands up and pacing the room. "We had so much fun before, shagging everywhere. Why did you have to go and ruin it?"

Remus reminded Sirius that it had been him who had broken up with him.

"No Remus, you ended it. I just made it formal. What – Why… eh. Why?" Sirius had felt too much rejection in his life, from his mother, his father before he had passed, his cousins, brother and relatives. All he wanted was to be accepted, to be liked. And Remus had rejected him. He had to know why.

"I don't want to talk about it." Remus said, still staring at his shoes, his face as red as the curtains hanging from the bed he sat on.

"Well then why the bloody hell did you even come up here for? Why bother me? Go back to your fucking party Remus, and just leave me the fuck alone. Please, G-d. Just leave me alone."

Remus stood up and reached for him, but was slapped away. He sighed, and shook his head in dejection.

"Fine, I'm going." Remus said, walking over to the door.

He hesitated when his hand was on the handle, not exactly expecting anything from Sirius, just holding onto a dim hope that maybe Sirius would tell him not to leave, tell him that he was sorry and everything would be okay. That he loved him and they could be happy together. But Sirius didn't say anything, and Remus turned the door knob and walked out, closing the door sharply behind him, leaning weakly against the wall opposite. After a time he wiped the tears away from his eyes, and hurried downstairs, disappearing into the bathroom.

---

When he was sure the danger was gone, James stepped out from under the invisibility cloak.

He hadn't meant to eavesdrop; he had been going upstairs to return the cloak to his trunk when he had seen Sirius had left it behind the table. He wasn't sure what had kept him from barging in, something about the tone of voice Sirius had used in demanding information from Remus, and the humiliated resistance Remus had shown.

It was just so much information to take in at once. His best friend was gay? His best friend had been in a relationship with Remus – a hidden relationship? Why hadn't they told him? When did this happen? Was he really so oblivious? How could he have missed this? As he thought back on it though, James started to fill in the missing pieces.

Last year Remus and Sirius had seemed closer. There were gaps of time when he couldn't find either one, and they had always taken the map, making up some lame excuse as to why they had been gone for so long.

And just as suddenly as it had started it stopped, and the two began to be short with each other.

James had just put it aside as stress; exams had been coming up after all. Besides, Sirius was spending more time with him again, so he hadn't much cared.

It hurt though, to know that all that time Sirius had been sneaking behind his back, shagging Remus in broom closets and g-d knows where. He looked down the stairwell to where Remus had gone, and then to the closed door where Sirius was hiding.

His best friends, his bloody brother, G-d! Hadn't they sworn in second year once they'd found out about Moony to never keep anything from each other ever again? How had this happened?

James stormed down to the common room where Lily was still sitting with Peter. He grabbed her by the arm and pulled her from her chair, receiving a few unsavory looks from those around him.

"What are you doing?" Lily whispered harshly as she was forcefully led through the portrait hole. James let go of her the second they were in the hall and let out a deep breath.

"Sirius is gay."

"What?" Lily said her stomach filling with terror and hatred. She knew it. He was making advances on her James. She would not let him get away with this.

"He's gay. He's bloody gay and he didn't tell me and he had been shagging Remus for g-d knows how long and he didn't fucking tell me! He's supposed to be my friend; my fucking best friend. What the fuck? How did this even happen? I mean, really. How do these things happen?

So, what he just walked up to Remus one day and said, hey, wanna fuck? And why would he go to Remus in the first place? What am I, chopped liver? I am his best g-d damned mate. We are practically fucking brothers! How could he do this to me, keep this a secret? How could he not tell me?" Without even knowing what he was doing James grabbed the nearest thing at hand- a candlestick- and threw it across the hall. Hot wax splattered onto his hand, but he didn't feel it. He was in too much emotional pain to notice anything.

"So, so what happened? Did he hit on you?" Lily asked tentatively, trying to remain calm, though she herself longed to throw something. Remus too? Why hadn't he told her? She thought they were closer than that.

"No! He didn't even tell me! I heard him and Remus fighting over some shit or another, and then Remus stormed out, crying. G-d, I just, I can't believe this." James said, breathing heavily as he leaned against the wall.

Lily put her hand on his shoulder, trying her best to be a good girlfriend and not air her worries. As it was James didn't seem aware of Sirius's attraction to him, and she sure as hell wasn't going to tell him.

"Which- what bothers you more? That he's gay or that he didn't tell you?" Lily asked, trying to feel out the situation. She hated to admit it, but she hoped it was the former.

James closed his eyes and let out a shaky breath. It hurt that Sirius hadn't told him, but that wasn't what was bothering him. He could barely admit to himself what was bothering him. Because the truth was that the first thing to come to his mind when he had overheard Remus and Sirius wasn't why they hadn't told him; it was that if Sirius could be gay, did that mean he could be too? And the fact was, when tried to imagine kissing Sirius, it didn't gross him out.

He opened his eyes and looked back up into his girlfriend's concerned face.

"Neither, nothing. I don't care. Sirius can do whatever the bloody hell he wants." He answered her, his voice not sounding convincing even to his own ears.

He shook his head as if to clear it of the troubling images he was suddenly having of he and Sirius doing things that no best friends should ever do.

"I don't care." he repeated faintly. "I don't care at all."