He sat down facing the sea, Cheryl and Ste either side of him not saying a word to the clearly upset man.
"I've had a lot of time to think lately and I need you both to understand. I've got things to tell you that I've never told anyone before; that I can't say in front of a counsellor. I know I've done some unforgivable things; I've hurt you both so many times and I'll never forgive myself for that. But I want to change, I need to change. I wasn't always the monster I am now."
He felt like his heart may explode out of his chest any minute. His heart beating faster as all the memories came flooding back to him.
"Everything changed for me when I was 8, that's when I started to get punished for things that I hadn't even done. It started with punches and burns with cigarettes."
"From who?" Cheryl asked confused about what her older brother was saying.
"Your dad." Ste said knowing Brendan's dad used to hit him although he didn't think it started when he was that young. Brendan looked down at the sand nodding slightly in response to Ste.
"No he can't have, he wouldn't do that." Cheryl shouted but the look on Brendan's face said otherwise. Silence hung around for a couple of minutes before Cheryl spoke again.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Please Chez let me finish first and then I'll explain."
"That's why I ran away on your birthday he hit me and I just wanted to go home back to my Ma. Later that night when you were in bed Da came into my room with a piece of cake. I thought he was going to hit me but he didn't. He took my hand and lay me down on my bed; he kept saying I was his special boy whilst he touched me. He pinned my hands above my head and climbed on top of me. I tried to shout but he plunged his tongue into my mouth and grinded himself down on me. I was so scared, I was too young to understand exactly what was going on but I knew it was wrong. He only stopped when he heard you shouting from your room. After he had put you back in bed he came back into my room; I was sitting in the corner crying and he stood over me smirking. He told me this is what happened to little boys like me, that it was my fault for being a queer, a fag. I didn't know what those words meant but when I got older and I found out I liked boys instead of girls I couldn't accept that his words were right."
Brendan's voice wobbled as he tried to contain his sobs. Cheryl and Ste instinctively put their arms around him, Cheryl eventually let go when Brendan fell into Ste's embrace. She watched as her big brother sobbed into his ex lover's arms realising the hard exterior was just an act. For the first time she could see the scared little boy that thought he deserved to be punished. It took a long time for his sobs to subside and he removed himself from Ste's arms looking embarrassed. He composed himself before carrying on like nothing had happened.
"He raped me every summer when we came here. I can still hear the sound of the door closing, the smell of his cigarettes, the weight of him on top of me, the feel of him inside of me. The sadistic smirk on his face as I cried out in pain."
He couldn't stop the sick from rising up through his body ruining the sand in front of him. Ste rubbed his back whilst Cheryl gave him her bottled water from her handbag.
"Why didn't you tell us?"
"When I was younger I was too scared he said he'd kill me if I told anyone and besides I didn't think anyone would believe me because everyone loved him. I threatened to tell me ma when I was 12 but he said that if he couldn't do it to me then he'd hurt you. I couldn't let him hurt my baby sister; you didn't deserve to be hurt."
"And neither did you Bren."
"Look at me." She looked into his pained eyes and seen the years of torment he had gone through.
"This was not your fault and you certainly didn't deserve this. He's a monster."
"And so am I." He said looking away from Cheryl not liking the pity he could see in her eyes.
"You are nothing like him Brendan."
"You are nothing like him." She reaffirmed when Brendan shook his head.
