AN; Thanks for the kind words. I was actually going to have this be just a one-shot, but I decided to extend it for a few chapters. Nothing too long but enough to comfort me after the weekly meltdowns I've been having the past couple of weeks.

Side note: Title is named for Ella Eyre's song If I Go, one of my fav songs to be played on the show to date. The chapter's named for Matchbox Twenty's Unwell.


"When are we hanging out again? I feel like I never see you anymore."

Most people might not know, or never know, but Alex can be needy. He says things like 'dude' or 'whatever,' but what he's really saying is 'whatever dude, I love you.' And he's right for the most part. I haven't seen him that much. I haven't seen much of anybody really. Of course at work, but it's pretty much been all work. All the time. And I'm busy…very busy. I'm busier than I ever was, and it's somehow okay with me.

"Alex, clingy doesn't suit you."

"Whatever." It makes me smirk, because I'm right. And I'm awesome. Most days.

"We'll hang out sometime."

"You know Mer wouldn't mind watching Sofia for a night."

I sigh, "I know, and she has watched Sofia the odd night where I was stuck here."

It's been a month since the judge granted me primary custody of Sofia. A month since I became an actual full time single mom. It was rough, and not once did I feel like I was doing the right thing, sitting there with Callie across the room. I was actually surprised and had to look at my lawyer for confirmation at what I was hearing. I was prepared to go to war, but I honestly wasn't sure if I would win. That a judge would actually look at me as a mother, although not a biological one, and say that Sofia would be best suited to stay with me.

I know a lot of it had to do with the fact that this is in fact her home, where she was raised. She was attending a great school. And that our family was here, our village. My parents migrated to northern California too, making more frequent visits. I had asked them not to come in support. Seeing my mom would've been too hard. And I don't think I could've listened to my dad try and berate Callie for 'dishonorable' decisions. I had heard it all before myself and it didn't feel good.

My lawyer made the argument that New York had no support for Sofia. The girlfriend would be busy with the grant, putting into question of how reliable Penny would be if Callie somehow wasn't reachable. There were no family members, no village, and it's not like Callie's family is a huge presence in Sofia's life. Her dad did manage to fly in for support. And glared at me the whole time in the court room. At least he didn't throw me against a wall.

I still remember the look on Callie's face when the judge recited her decision. And I didn't feel half as relieved as I thought I would.

Alex's voice shook me from my thoughts. "You know it's okay to have a life."

"I know. I just…I almost lost her. For the first couple of weeks I didn't even want to let her out of my sight."

"You heard from Torres?"

Barely. After the night she showed up at my house we had been pretty, distant. I felt like I had taken a huge step back in my post-Callie life. It wasn't fair for her to show up at my house. And it wasn't fair for me to let her infiltrate my soul like a rabid wolf.

It also wasn't fair that Callie now had to settle for scheduled visits, contingent on my approval. Power is sometimes not a good thing. Especially this kind.

"Kind of. She calls me at night and I just hand the phone over to Sofia. Usually we just text if we need to tell each other something."

Alex hit the button for the elevator. "Is she still pissed?"

"I wouldn't say she's pissed. More heartbroken." I couldn't even say anything to her after. And I don't think she could either. She was here for a couple of weeks, getting everything packed and shipped off before leaving. And I met her replacement, Dr. Humphrey. Who was even more of a dinosaur than Chang.

We didn't even really say goodbye either. Her and Penny had dropped Sofia off in the morning on their way to the airport. And it was hard to watch. Callie and Sofia were crying, and Penny was just…standing there awkwardly. I almost cried myself but once again, I had to be strong. And when Callie let her go and Sofia ushered into my arms, we still didn't say a word. She wiped her face and watched her daughter seek comfort with me.

There was a look. It wasn't too long, but enough for me to know that Callie didn't hate me. That she didn't, resent me. She understood then. And that was honestly enough, for now. Because Callie also knew, that I'd still love her now, no matter what. We couldn't truly hate each other.

Maybe I was selfish for telling her that. Or stupid. Callie makes me do weird things. And I don't know where we end in this, because we're never ending. We might have existed on the fact that we shared a child, and a hospital, but looking back I don't think that matters. Those things don't negate everything else.

There are times I feel settled, and then other times where I miss her. I had moved on from missing Callie, the wife and love of my life. That was becoming a nuisance to my psyche. It was the little things that drove it home that she actually left. I couldn't help but stare longing at an empty chair during our board meeting last week. Or at her empty parking spot. Her name absent from the surgical board. She was really not there anymore. But maybe she'd come back. At least that's what she said.

"You know if she's coming back for a visit?"

"I don't know. Sofia said she's starting her new job this week, so maybe after that?"

"I still can't believe she left."

I glance at him, "Were we in the same court room?"

He shoots me a look, "All of that couldn't have been for nothing, sure. But to actually leave. I didn't think she would do it."

A part of me didn't think she would either. But she actually left. She was actually gone.

"Well, I hope she found what she was looking for."

And I actually mean it.

##

Meredith had been calling me, a lot. So was Owen. I spent the first few calls thinking that Meredith was just calling because she felt bad. For not testifying. Maybe she thought I was mad at her, that she's the reason why I lost. But I know it's not her fault, and I honestly don't think it would have made a difference.

My dad called a lot now too. He wasn't too happy with me when I told him I left Arizona. He thought I didn't try enough; I didn't take therapy or the marriage seriously. That I didn't try hard enough to keep my family together. Sometimes I think he's right. But nevertheless, he calls me, frequently. He met Penny for a moment, and after their meeting I asked him what he thought of her.

'Not much,' were his exact words.

Arizona might have cheated, and she might have fought for custody of his grandchild, but he still thinks better of her than Penny. He thinks more of her. Which should've set up some more red flags.

New York is unsettling. The apartment is nice, and the city's so full of life. A far cry from Seattle. Because it wasn't home.

I don't know what I was thinking. I don't think I was. Hindsight's never been my friend.

Which is why I'm standing back in Sea-Tac, a month later. And I'm not the least bit embarrassed about it. Well…maybe a little. I accepted the fact that I was, in fact, pathetic. And delusional, and everything else that everyone told me but I refused to believe. I glance at my phone. Meredith's name pops up.

"Hey, I just landed."

"I know, I'm over in baggage claim. Hurry your ass up."

I don't even bother to respond. Slipping my phone back into my pocket I pick up my carry on and make my way to Meredith. None of my stuff was really unpacked, which didn't make my split decision that difficult. It wasn't really difficult at all. It was probably the easiest job the movers had.

Penny knew what was happening. She was too busy getting familiar with work. She was gone pretty much the moment we landed. She knew that this wasn't going to work when she realized I was still living out of my many suitcases of clothes. She didn't blame me either. It was pretty obvious that the thrill was gone.

She did apologize last night. Penny was timid, and apologetic for putting me in that position. I'm not mad at her, I can't be. She didn't force me to go with her. It was her who first brought up the long distance. She thought that we could do it. I was the one who took the bull by the horns, like always. Which I'm learning just hurts me in the end. Along with anything else in my way. I was sad and I still am. But I know now that I didn't need Penny. I actually don't need anyone but my daughter. But what I want, that's different. They're not the same things.

I apologized too. I felt like I had led her, along with myself, to believe that this could work. That we loved each other enough to start over in a new place. I was prepared to take a step down in my career for this woman, so I know on some level that I cared deeply.

But working lesser hours and moving away from everyone that I love, that wasn't me. And I thought for a brief moment that I could take my daughter away with me. I didn't know who I was, and I still don't. But I can figure it out. I will figure it out.

Losing custody of Sofia was what made me see. Of course, I was hysterical those last two weeks before I left. All I could think about was the fact that I wouldn't see my daughter for at least another month and a half. Sofia was mad at me for leaving. And then when I was actually gone, she was giving Arizona a hard time. Sofia was a naturally intuitive kid and very calm but her temper had sky rocketed.

Even then it didn't sink in.

Everything was already set in motion and planned out to where I guess…I didn't think I could stop it. I had broken my lease, gave Bailey my notice, everything was a done deal. I didn't think I was strong enough to put it to a halt.

There were a lot of things I had made a mess of. I'm still lost, and I still don't know where the hell I'm going to live, or what's going to happen. But I needed to be here. This is where my heart is. And it's not that scary anymore. And I don't blame Arizona for knocking me on the head when she sees me.

I falter a little in my step. My heart flutters a little faster, its excited and not just because we're back home. I was pissed at first, when Arizona handed me her lawyer's card, and I was a little more pissed at myself for letting it get that far. I'm a little slow sometimes.

But I understand. I didn't want to put her through that. She was probably so scared to lose one more thing. Arizona and I, we're not good with loss. We also have loose ends, a lot of ends. I don't know what I was expecting showing up at her house that night. Maybe I wanted one more good reason to go. One last fight to push me over the edge. But for once Arizona didn't give me one.

Or maybe I wanted one more good reason to stay. I thought about that night a lot after. There were times when I was doing something so simple, like showering or reading a book that I would remember. Arizona told me to go. At the time I think she wanted me to go. To not be a standing reminder of what wasn't. And so I went. I'm trying not to be nervous about seeing her, but honestly I don't know what I'm going to get. Arizona's a little bit different. She's somewhat foreign to me.

I think she'll be skeptical, or maybe give me that disapproving mom look that looks just like her own mother's. But I'd like to think she'll be happy on some level, even if she doesn't say it. She loves me after all. At least I hope she still does. And after everything that's happened I still love her too.

The thought makes me kind of giddy.

I see Meredith's head before I see the rest of her. She's standing there with her purse slung over her shoulder. It's only been a month, but god it feels good to see her. It's hard to believe that I thought I could just walk away from this place. Seattle ruined me at times, but it saved me more.

"Well, well, well," she stated, a smirk on her face.

I roll my eyes, dropping my carry on. I immediate grab her shoulders, pulling her into a big hug. It takes her a second to reciprocate. But she does nevertheless.

"Welcome home."

##

"Do you even know what you're going to say?"

"No."

"Sounds like you have this all figured out."

Most people would find this insensitive, but I appreciate Meredith's wit. My current situation is completely ridiculous that I don't blame her. I don't deserve her pity, or even understanding. But she's here anyway. She picked me up from the airport and kept my car at her house. Meredith's one of those people.

"You said Sofia's with Maggie?" I'm also antsy to see my daughter. The Facetime calls are just not enough when it's your kid.

"Yeah her and Amelia took the kids out for dinner and then a sleep over here later. Give Arizona a night to herself."

I sigh, "Yeah." From what she's told me, Arizona had been extremely busy, and it wasn't just with work. When she wasn't at the hospital her and Sofia were off on their next adventure. There were many visits to different museums and parks and play dates crammed into such a small window of time. And I know it's because she wanted to keep Sofia busy. Maybe keep herself busy too.

Meredith eyes the car keys in my hand, and then at the grey clouds above us. I missed the rain. "Are you sure you don't want a shot or something?"

"There's not enough tequila for this shit," I grumble, straightening my jacket. Going straight to Arizona's after picking up my car was the initial plan. The rest of it…I'm not too sure. Ideally I'd like to see Sofia first more than anything, but I can't without talking to my ex-wife. This situation was about Sofia at first, but some time along the way it became about us too.

Meredith smirks, patting me on the shoulder, "God speed."

Cranking the engine, I watch her wave to me happily. I flick her off.

She's enjoying this way too much.

##

You've got to be kidding. Like seriously, I'm hallucinating because Calliope Torres is not standing at my front door. Again. In the fucking rain. Looking all beautiful and lost, like a puppy. And I for one, freaking love puppies.

I love Callie, too. But a puppy didn't age me by 10 years, didn't rip my heart out of my body, or give Alex the nod to cut off my leg. A puppy didn't run off across the country with her 20 something girlfriend. Puppies are easier.

Calliope Torres is not. But then again, neither am I.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"I came back."

A smirk makes its way to my lips, "I can see that." This is too bizarre to be real. My plan for the day was to literally do nothing. I wasn't even going to take a shower, but then the neat freak in me couldn't help it. So I showered and got dressed, and then proceeded to stare at the TV. There's a reality show for everything these days.

I had kept Sofia so busy with all the activities that I was stumped when Meredith pointed it out to me that Sof and Zola hadn't had a slumber party in quite some time. Of course, sleepovers are a little more hectic the older they get, but I wasn't worried. Maggie and Amelia would be there to run interference. They had become part of the village.

"How long are you here for?"

"For good," she replied with serious conviction. And honestly, I don't know what to do with this new piece of information. I was finally coming to terms with my new reality, my new life, and then she comes back. Our timing was never good either.

I shuffle my feet, one hand still firmly grasping my doorknob in an attempt to prevent it from wringing her neck. "That didn't take long."

Obviously. I'm looking at her, and she's not reluctant. Don't get me wrong, she looks a bit sheepish, and a little vulnerable. But Callie's sure about this. It also doesn't make me feel better. I'm happy that she's back, so now Sofia can see her and have both of us together again. Well, together without being…together.

She stuffs both hands into her jacket. I see a shiver run through her due to the rain. I noticed the rain this time.

"I'm sorry. I – I thought I knew what I wanted, what was best for me. I made a huge mistake with everything. A – and I tried to make it seem like something it wasn't. And I dragged you and Sofia into it. So I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry. For doing that. I'm not going anywhere."

There's this thing that I do now when I'm interacting with Callie. I actually stare too much. Way more than I used to, and before it was a longing, wistful look, in admiration. Now I look at her and try to see where she's changed. If she means what she's actually saying when I used to know instantly. I'm better at hiding it, and most people would think I don't look at Callie Torres at all unless it's absolutely necessary. But I do.

And I don't know if I want her apology, or even need it.

I guess that's the morbid beauty of being ex-wives. You realize that down the line you don't really need them to do anything. You don't need the extra effort, or the therapy sessions. You don't tip toe around a conversation to avoid another argument. There's no expectations.

It just…it is what it is. My grip on the door knob loosens.

"You should dry off before you get sick."

##

"So you're back." I hear the tea kettle go off in the kitchen. Arizona likes to do things to avoid other things. So I guess I'll let her do what she's got to do and just hope she doesn't throw all that hot water on me.

"I'm back."

"Penniless."

She probably can't hear me, but I'm groaning miserably under the towel she threw my way after letting me inside. I'll give her that one. That's one thing I certainly won't miss. The bottomless jokes. Arizona's pretty funny and I know even she cannot contain a smile. She won't let me see it by any means, but I know she's giggling silently in the solace of her empty kitchen.

There are plenty of times where I think I don't know her. But at the end of the day…I kind of do.

I just sigh, ruffling my hair with the towel, "Yeah."

Arizona emerges from the kitchen carrying two mugs. She sits one down in front of me on the coffee table before sitting on the complete other end of the L-shape couch. Truthfully I didn't expect her to let me inside. I expected a door to my face, maybe some shouting and berating. And I was prepared to take it. Without a single retort or excuse. Mainly because I didn't realistically have one, but also because I deserved it. I deserved it a lot.

"Does Bailey know?" she asks conversationally. Her eyes peek up at me over her mug.

I rub my hands on my jeans, "Uh – well – no. Nobody knows really except for Meredith. Well, and you." I make an awkward grab for my own mug and take a little sip. I have the urge to not make any sudden movements. That if I startle the blonde, she'll snap out of the civility she's showing me.

"Hmm."

"Arizona," I lick my lips, "I really am sorry for putting you through that. I wasn't – myself…and I know that's not an excuse and I don't expect you to forgive me, but I just – I wanted you to know."

"Where are you staying?" Now's not the time I guess.

The mug is warm in my hands, and the tea is scorching hot but it feels good. The tea is good too, which I never really liked until Arizona got me into it. I still don't know what she adds to make me like it so much. "Meredith said I could stay with her this week. And I plan on looking for another place tomorrow."

Arizona purses her lips. The wheels are turning in her blonde head and I don't know if she's talking herself down from pummeling me, or saying something that might make her look vulnerable. But it's her rules now. She finally sighs, ending the argument in her head.

"Well if you end up settled in by the end of the week, you can have Sofia all next week."

Having Sofia with me, making sure she brushes her teeth or getting her ready for bed, that's the stuff I really missed. The little things that people don't really think about until they're gone. I know I'll see her by the time I get back to Meredith's. A Mami-daughter sleepover is just what I need. I really needed to find a place to live.

"Thanks."

Her eyes stare out the window. It's still wet outside but the rain has stopped pouring. "We'll have to arrange something more concrete, but she missed you…so we can just – wait…or something."

I want to bring it up. I want to talk about what we said that night in the rain, when I looked like a wet and selfish mess. Just thinking about it makes me blush. There's an apology due for that also, but I know she's not ready. I can tell she's still processing, and contemplating her next move if it is ever brought up again. And maybe soon I'll develop the courage to say something. To tell her that I wasn't just in love with the idea of love. That I wasn't just calling her the one because we were fighting and I was leaving. That I didn't say that just to lead her on.

But I won't tell her now. I'll give her time to process and I need time to get reacquainted with myself. But I will tell her, just not right now.

Because she's not ready. And neither am I. I never was to begin with, but the difference with everything else is that I know the truth.

"That's fine. You're the boss…" I close my eyes. That might have been too soon. "I better get going, Sofia and the kids should be home soon." The towel was already folded neatly over the arm of the couch.

Arizona nodded, "Okay."

"Thanks for –" I gesture towards the empty cup, "the tea. A – and the towel. It was really wet…outside." Nice one. Arizona blinks at my comment before setting down her tea and standing as well to walk me out the door. It's obvious now who's more put together.

"Yeah," is all she says in reply.

"Okay," I say, already on the door step, "bye." I smile politely and pretty much start an awkward scoot back to my car.

"Callie."

For a brief moment I close my eyes again. Because I had gotten through this short visit pretty unscathed, and I'd prefer it to stay that way. But once again, I would deserve it. I don't even bother to say anything as I turn around.

Arizona has her same right hand on the doorknob, and she's thinking again. Hard. This time she's biting her lip and her eyes were like saucers. It's actually endearing to look at. For an adult, Arizona's ridiculously cute. There's more she wants to know, more she wants to say but we both know it's not the time. She just takes a deep breath.

"Did you find what you were looking for?"

Like I said, there's still a lot of questions I don't have the answers for. But I feel like that one kid waving their hand around the classroom because I actually know the answer to this one. And it feels good to know stuff. To not feel so confused. Because it's actually pretty clear. Now I've just confused her, because not only have I not responded, but I'm smiling.

"No, I just – what I was looking for…was always here."