Minor spoilers for "Arrival" ahead!
Joker tucked the hard raspberry candy to one side of his mouth, bulging out his cheek as he shoved the wrapper along with his hands into his pockets. His eyes were distant as he made the arduous trek back to the elevator. He had been walking a lot more than usual what with all the extra-curricular activities Shepard pulled him into. The exercise was probably good for him, but that didn't stop his joints from complaining every now and again. Recounting their times together in his mind he decided that it was definitely his turn for a massage. Oh, the perks of being the Commander's personal sex-toy.
He smirked as best he could with the sucker in his mouth, swapping it to the other cheek when the first became candy-coated. Activating the elevator's holo, he entered and as the doors closed he grew more thoughtful. It wasn't so simple as that, was it? Hell, even Chakwas could see it, even if he wasn't being honest with himself. Things hadn't gotten weird between him and Shepard at all. If anything they had become, as the doctor had so wisely put it...complicated. He felt a little embarrassed at letting the whole thing become so personal for him. It was something he tried to avoid normally; things were simpler that way.
Joker tried in vain to realize what exactly had pushed him across this line. Every memory plucked from his ever-growing collection made him feel the same. It was useless, no matter what he thought of all he knew was that it reminded him just how badly he'd fallen. Small things...how she said his name, how she looked at him, how she smiled just for him...
"Going up?" Joker didn't even realize that the elevator had stopped and suddenly there she was sliding into the it with him. And there itwas, she was smiling again.
"I shposh," he spoke around the sucker. That was wrong, of course. He was supposed to be getting off on that very floor, but somehow he had forgotten what he was doing entirely.
"Where did you get that?" Shepard asked with amusement as the elevator seemed to close off the world. The pilot opted to avoid spitting all over himself and tugged the stick out of his mouth.
"Special resources," he replied.
"Do I have access to these 'special resources'?" she asked, grasping her hands behind her back.
"Hmmm.. I dunno," he played. Shepard feigned a grimace at him and darted forward, patting down his pants while he held his hands in the air, more in an attempt to keep the candy out of her hair than surrender. "Hey, watch it...!" He squirmed a little and was grateful that her hands were quick and nimble enough to discover the newly acquired cache in his lower right pocket.
"Hell, yeah! Sour apple!" she celebrated when she found her favorite.
"That makes so much sense," Joker said slurred around the sucker again. His hands had found their way to her hips as soon as she had ceased her assault on him. Shepard swayed them side to side slightly and hooked her fingers on his belt once she had pocketed her spoils.
"I didn't know we had a session today," she noted, though she didn't sound particularly bothered. Joker blinked a couple of times and let the final bits of the candy melt in his mouth as he realized they had just arrived at her cabin. Pulling the stripped stick from his mouth he shoved it in his pocket with the wrapper, probably looking like he was paying the gesture far too much attention. "Everything alright?"
"Yeah... Fine," he said, giving her a genuine smile and letting his fingers comb through her hair.
"Ah. I hate it when you lie, Mr. Moreau." Her eyes seemed more vibrant today, shiny and playful. Bedroom eyes.
"I'm not lying," he replied, feeling the heat starting to rush up to his face again.
"There it is again." Damn, she noticed. Her fingers brushed against his beard and over the flushed skin. "I would say you're nervous, but... all things considered..."
"Tell me about it," he mumbled. "We don't have a session today."
"That's fine. I can make time," she smiled.
"You're not helping," Joker said, adjusting his cap once, then twice as if it suddenly didn't properly fit. He hated this. In what sort of insane world could he come up to her room nearly every night and do damn near everything possible and not be able to just look her in the eye and say a few words?
And she wasn't helping. She stood there looking genuinely inquisitive, eyes focused on him and lips softly parted while she fiddled with the collar of his shirt. He felt all the worries he had about his guilty admission pit in his stomach at once. She relied on him for a simple escape from the stark reality of her life, an outlet, and that was something he was perfectly happy being...originally. How could he expect her to suddenly emotionally invest in him, in anyone, knowing what she'd been through. It just seemed like too much to ask. Her attentions and concerns were already spread so thin between her crew, her obligations, her...
She kissed him, arms wrapping about his neck loosely. He fell right into it, embracing her back as tight as he could. Even in this he could feel her smile.
"Sorry. You looked like you were thinking too much," she said with a nudge of her forehead to his. Joker couldn't help but grin at the irony of her actions. She was picking up his tricks and it appeared that they worked just as well on him as they did her. That was fine. He really didn't want to dwell on it with her right there in his arms, warm and, as always, inviting.
So he didn't. He allowed her to lead him into her cabin, all kisses and passionate promises. As he rested against the sheets that enveloped him in her scent and watched her move over him he decided he had become utterly spoiled. Touching her, tasting her, smelling her, filling her...nothing even came close anymore. A few years ago he had resigned himself to the idea of sex being something that just didn't work into his personal equation, but he kept finding himself here. It was one of few things he would gladly admit being wrong about, but he couldn't help but attribute it to Shepard's uncanny ability to achieve the impossible. Though their first few times had been cautious enough, she quickly learned how to make love to him without seeming distracted by his condition. They wouldn't be slamming each other against walls in fits of passion any time soon, but damn if she didn't almost make him want to try sometimes.
Joker reached up and laced his fingers with Shepard's, his heart swelling when she squeezed his hands and locked eyes with him. She seemed to enjoy watching him as much as he did her, and often times when they caught each other's gaze like this he felt like doing something wonderfully irrational. It also was what finally did him in, and he felt his body submit to her, shuddering in blessed release.
Shepard had taken to curling up with him once their energies were spent, rather than sprawling on one side of the bed like she used to. Joker instinctively cradled her close and gave a deep breath as the fog of his lust began to fade and his thoughts became clearer. The first thing that crossed his mind was how things seemed to be getting better every time, and the second thing was what an idiot he was for getting distracted. His inner voice reasoned that the distraction was a perfectly rational one.
"We should go out," he heard himself saying in the stillness, his fingertips stroking her shoulder.
"Out? Like...out, out?" Shepard asked, her voice revealing just how relaxed she was.
"Like... oh, I dunno... Dinner?" He felt her laugh.
"You sure do work backwards" she murmured teasingly.
"Yeah, well... I'm just saying it could be nice. You know..., when you're not saving the galaxy." She leaned up on her elbows so she could look at him and he pushed the wayward hair out of her eyes so he could look at her directly.
"Not sure we'll have time to sit down and have dinner anytime soon, Jeff..." Her expression turned genuinely apologetic.
"I'm not sayin' it has to be at some fancy restaurant at the Citadel," he said, trying not to feel disconcerted by her subtle rejection. "I just want to spend time with you... for real." Joker wasn't really sure that was the best choice of words, but at least Shepard seemed to understand.
"How do you feel about dinner and a movie. Right here on the Normandy?" she asked. Joker felt the knot in his stomach began to unwind and smiled.
"That would be awesome." Shepard smiled and leaned over to kiss him before tossing the covers and sheets aside.
"It's a date, then. Now, come on. We best shower and get back to work."
"Commander, you have a new message at your private terminal."
"I'll take this in my quarters."
Shepard clenched and unclenched her hands as she walked towards the cockpit with purpose, her stride the most military it had been in a while. Her mind reeled as she tried frantically to think of the appropriate words while her footfalls echoed like a looming and calculated countdown. She hadn't told anyone about the private message she had received from Hackett. For once, the loyalty of her crew would have been more a hindrance than a blessing. They would argue and insist that it was suicide. But Hackett had been clear and she had agreed – she would be going on this mission alone.
How could she get this around Joker, though? She planned on taking a shuttle to the Batarian outpost, but she had to get to the Bahak system first. Usually, that would have been simple. She would tell him where she needed to go and that would be that, no questions asked, just another typical mission. But that was before...before they had gotten close...before he had come to read her like a star system. Would he be able to see all the things she wasn't saying? Yes, I'm heading into Batarian territory and, no, I'm not taking a team. No, I don't know all the details and am walking into this fairly blind. Yes, it's risky but I'm sure I'll manage...pretty sure.
For a split-second she thought of giving EDI the coordinates, but that would be like waving a flag right in front of the pilot.
"Hey, Commander," Joker greeted, his words professional, but his expression speaking of things much more personal. Shepard began to feel twitchy, but managed to keep her posture still.
"Joker, set a course for the Bahak system," she said.
"Sure," he obliged and turned the chair back round to do so. "What's up?" No, Joker. Please, no questions, Shepard silently urged.
"Just standard fare, Knocking heads and kicking ass." Her tone was well-practiced, casual and confident - everything one would come to expect from Commander Shepard.
"Well, I know how much you take 'kicking ass' seriously, and I know I don't need to tell ya... ya know."
"To watch my ass?"
"Right," he said, turning to face her again. "Too many Batarians in one place for my liking, but you gotta do what you gotta do." Shepard nodded, her fingers wringing tightly behind her back where he couldn't see. He was acting normal enough, not overly curious or inquisitive...just Joker. "Just make sure whoever's watching your ass isn't actually 'watching your ass'. I might have to get violent."
Shepard allowed herself to crack a grin. "I usually keep my eyes forward on a mission. How am I supposed to know that?"
"You're Shepard. Use your Shepard-senses or something," he said, waggling his fingers on either side of his head.
"Of course. Forgot I had those." She turned from him to make a quick exit while things were light.
"Shepard." Mentally, she swore in frustration but turned back anyway. "Up for that movie and dinner after you get back?" Shepard faltered just a little bit, assuring herself quickly that things were going to be just fine despite the knot in her stomach. This was going to be simple...a quick, quiet, there-and-gone mission. All she had to do was find Dr. Kenson, get some intel, and she'd be back on the Normandy in no time.
"Sounds good to me. I'm sure I'll need the break." She tried not to let the outright fondness in his gaze go straight to her heart as she left, suppressing the urge to run back and kiss him. Not a 'goodbye' kiss, necessarily, but more 'see you soon', as if she was just going off to work for the day. As she headed to her quarters to prepare to go it solo, she told herself that she would give him one when she got back.
Everything up until that moment had made sense to Joker. They had taken the Normandy in with stealth systems activated to avoid any unwanted conflict and, when they were close enough, Shepard took the shuttle in to Aratoht. He had sat dutifully in the cockpit awaiting her pick up call or maybe even a status update, all while trying to shake the eerie feeling he was getting hovering in such a hostile system. When the hours became long he didn't think too much about it. Some missions took longer than others and he was happy enough to take the down time to figure out what movies would be best to watch with Shepard when she returned.
It was going to be the first time they would be spending time together that didn't lead to sex...at least not immediately. Inwardly, he sassed himself for being so utterly unmanly, but, damnit, Shepard wasn't just some woman he saw every now and again for a good time. The whole point of the date was to tell her that, to let her know that she meant the world to him. Not that he had become clingy or anything...he just wanted to be around her all the time, if that made any lick of sense. Joker paused his search through the old sci-fi classics as the feeling of Shepard curled up in his arms rose into his memory. Would it be too much to go to sleep like that and wake to see her every morning?
His sigh turned into a light groan. God, he was getting corny.
It wasn't until Joker finally rose from his chair to get something to eat when he realized how late it really was. Time had passed faster than he had noticed and when he reached the mess hall it was empty. The crew had all retreated to their quarters for the cycle. Something coiled in his stomach then and when he checked the time he forgot his hunger. As fast as his rickety legs could carry him he made his way back to the cockpit.
"EDI. Has there been any transmissions from Shepard?"
"No transmissions have been received from Shepard's frequency in the last eighteen hours and thirty minutes."
"What about the squad? Who went with her?" EDI's silence was excruciating.
"All crew mates are accounted for aboard the Normandy."
"Shepard went alone? Why didn't you tell me?" he asked angrily.
"Shepard requested that the details of this missions be kept confidential." Joker gripped the back of the chair as he stood there to stop himself from tripping into the console. What in the hell would have made her do something this stupid?
"Tell me what you know," he insisted.
"That is all I know, Jeff. Truly." Shit, she was being honest. Joker brushed his hand over his face and rubbed at his eyes, sore from how long he had been staring at the console. Eighteen...fucking...hours. Something was wrong. Neglecting to tell even the AI where she was going, and then being gone for almost a day without any communication...? Shit, shit, shit. Why hadn't he asked her more about the mission? Why didn't he ask her who she was taking?
Because he never did. He always just assumed Shepard knew what she was doing. Even if she did something stupid he always trusted she could get out of it. Hell, he'd been there when it had happened numerous times.
"Fuck..," he muttered, head still in his hand. "I fucked up again..." What if she didn't come back? What if she was lost...for good?
"Shepard received a private message before she left," EDI spoke up. "I may be able to hack into her email." Joker glanced up at her globe and realized he had been clenching his jaw so hard it hurt when he relaxed it. Slipping into his chair he calmed his panic and took control.
"Let me see it, EDI." Not a second time. I'm coming to get you, Shepard.
"External comm channel open."
"Shepard to Normandy. Joker, do you read me?" Shepard called as the satellite dish shifted position with a protesting groan. She had no idea if the asteroid was anywhere near the Normandy at this point but she willed Joker to hear her. If he didn't show up, and fast, she was going to be obliterated right along with the Mass Relay, and worse, so would he and the entire crew. Her heart sank when no answer came, but she was given no time to try again as a frightfully large tentacled apparition uncoiled before her.
"Jeff, I have picked up something."
"What do you have for me, EDI? Be brief." Joker was having a hard enough time keeping his eyes open without her techno babble. He didn't know how long he had been awake. All he knew is that EDI had attempted to persuade him into leaving the cockpit to get some sleep numerous times and he just wasn't having it. If any sign of Shepard came through he wanted to see it. He wasn't going to be able to sleep until she was back on the Normandy and in one piece anyway.
EDI had managed to not only find Shepard's email from Hackett, but also the recording of their extended conversation after. For the first time Joker was thrilled with Cerberus' deliberate invasion of privacy. Listening in on Batarian transmissions on Aratoht soon informed them that Shepard had escaped the planet with Kenson, but after that she vanished again.
"There are transmissions being broadcast from an asteroid not far from our current location."
"Anything useful?"
"Shepard to Normandy. Joker, do you read me?" Her voice over the comm startled him extremely awake even in his exhaustion. He looked at EDI, as if for confirmation that he wasn't hearing things, but when her globe did little more than blink like usual he opened the transmission.
"Shepard? Shepard!" he called, but received no answer. "Damnit!" The asteroid EDI spoke of loomed into the Normandy's view, a dark, ominous contrast to the light of the Mass Relay within its proximity. Joker's eyes darted between the two, drawing dangerously close. Two things crossed his mind then. The first was a colorful plethora of foul language. The other was that it was time to burn some space. "EDI, punch it!"
"Know this as you die in vain. Your time will come. Your species will fall."
As Harbinger spouted threats that seemed never ending, Shepard felt sweat trickle from her brow and down her face beneath her helmet. The relay grew closer with every second and there was still no sign of the Normandy or Joker. She refused to believe everything would end here, to believe the fight would end before it started, to believe her time with the pilot would be cut so pitifully short.
"Prepare yourselves for the arrival," Harbinger boomed before the projected likeness disappeared. Shepard stood still on the platform, the sharp blue of the relay's light hurting her eyes. She closed them and was surprised to find her cheeks staining with two solitary tears.
She had died alone once, floating in the crushing emptiness of space. The experience haunted her nightmares, her subconscious the only place she could clearly remember everything in frightening detail. One thing she could clearly remember, though, was that she had a fleeting moment before her final breath abandoned her. At least everyone else was safe. At least Joker was safe.
It was absolutely jarring how so much could happen in such little time. Facing the impending disaster, all she could think of was the pilot, how she hadn't said goodbye, how she foolishly hadn't kissed him like she had wanted to. What's more is she couldn't believe how terribly alone she felt and, somehow, it was a deeper loneliness than she could ever recall having.
Wetting her lips, she raised her hand to her helmet. Maybe she could warn them if they were in range. Maybe they could get out alive.
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