A/N: Sorry this update has taken so long. My computer fried in mid-July and took my update with it. Now that I finally have a new computer, I can share what I've been working on (or what I have right now). Also, Bella is not going to be this frustrating for the entire story I swear.

The next few days were constant punishment for being sad. A nurse woke me up before I was ready and handed me a list of activities, ensuring me that the more bullshit I attended, the sooner I'd be out of there. At eighteen, I wasn't considered a teenager anymore so the group was filled with people ranging from college age to older than my parents. Everyone's reason for being here was better than mine. A fifty-year-old woman was raped repeatedly by her father and brothers when she was growing up and had just left a fifteen year abusive marriage and lost custody of her three children. The boy closest to my age heard Satan laughing in his head and took pills to save his soul. Someone else had grown up in foster care and been sexually abused by female and male caretakers and couldn't trust anyone of either gender. Thinking she'd die alone because of it, she slit her wrists.

When it came to be my turn, all I could say was, "a boy dumped me and I jumped off a cliff."

I expected them to laugh, maybe boo me out of the room, but no one seemed to believe that was the whole story. The fifty-year-old woman asked if the man had ever hurt me before, what my childhood was like, how I felt about myself, probing for some hell in my past that made my story less than mock-worthy. The counselor said some fluffy garbage about how beautiful I am and how I have plenty of time to fall in love. When it was finally over, I sat alone at the lunch table and spent the rest of the day waiting. I went through three days of this before I could see the psychiatrist and try to go home.

"I see you've been in therapy with Dr. Esther Franz," he looked down at a long record sheet that probably had every stupid injury I had ever suffered. "How is that going for you?"

"Fine. I don't feel like killing myself. I just made a stupid mistake, thinking I'd get a thrill out of cliff jumping. I'm not going to do it again," I tried to sound calm and nonchalant, knowing that defensiveness would only give him further excuse to mistrust me.

He yammered for a bit about depression and finally said, "I'm going to write you a prescription for ten milligrams of Lexapro. I want you to talk to Dr. Franz and find a psychiatrist you can coordinate with, but if you have any problems with it, I want you to call our office immediately."

"I don't need meds," I told him, "I'm just going through a rough time."

"We all experience periods of sadness and anger but it sounds like you are seriously and persistently depressed," his voice started to bear a know-it-all tone, like the nerdy student answering a question in AP history.

I sighed. "My depression is completely conditional. I was never this depressed when I was still with my last boyfriend."

"So are you just going to wait until you get another boyfriend and hope your depression goes away?"

"That's not what I said," I argued, but it was pointless. I left with the prescription in my hand and Charlie drove straight to the drugstore to fill it before I could object.

"Would you mind if Alice stayed with you tonight?" his voice carried a hint of uncertainty, but he seemed sincere in the request.

"Alice?" I asked.

"I have a shift tonight, and I really can't miss it. Another death was reported, and we have to keep after this bear," I immediately started wondering where my cell phone was, and whether I'd be able to reach Jacob in time. I pulled out my cell phone and started forming a text but continued to speak.

"Someone else?" I asked. "Who was it?"

"It was my friend, Harry Clearwater."

"Oh no! Dad, I'm...I'm so sorry." Knowing Charlie had to deal with that on top of worrying about his suicidal teenage daughter skyrocketed my guilt.

He nodded. "There will be a funeral soon, but people are getting antsy. We need to solve this case once and for all, but I can't leave you alone. I know you're too old for a babysitter, and I wasn't really comfortable having Jacob spend the night, so when Alice volunteered I couldn't really say no. I just hope her being here won't bring back memories of...him."

"Alice is nothing like Edward. She's a lot more mature, and she was one of the first people in Forks to genuinely try to be my friend," I wasn't sure if the part about maturity was true or not, but the second part was honest.

He nodded. "That's why I trust her. Girls are supposed to have girlfriends to talk to about things, and she seems a bit more with it than Jessica anyway."

That was the understatement of the century. "Sure, Dad," my tone was brighter than it had been, "I'll be fine with Alice."

He dropped me off with a vile bag of pills and Alice was already waiting for me. As badly as I wanted to run and hug her, I resisted the urge in front of Charlie. "Make sure Bella takes these," he told her, motioning to the bag of antidepressants.

"No problem. I promise I'll call if we have any problems," her voice was rich with confidence, and Charlie seemed relieved.

"Great," he said, "well...goodbye. Take care of yourself, Bells. Don't give Alice any trouble."

I felt like a five-year-old being left with a sitter. Alice waved as Charlie drove off and instructed me to do the same. When he was finally out of sight, Alice's perfect sight, she turned to me and said, "okay now we can drop that charade. We'll have fun tonight, trust me."

Alice took my hand and skipped inside. "Have you eaten yet? There's spaghetti in the fridge since I never got to see you eat it the first time I made it."

"Sorry about that," I grumbled.

"And just for the record, I doubt Charlie would have cared that much if you had hugged me in front of him," her voice was song-like and beautiful, even when she was teasing me.

Reluctantly, I wrapped my arms around her cold body and felt instinctively maternal, wanting to smother her with blankets and tea and affection before I remembered that this temperature was healthy for Alice.

"I went to group therapy with rape survivors and a guy who heard voices from Satan, and told them I jumped off a cliff because a boy dumped me," I drifted into the living room and fell onto the couch, "how pathetic am I?"

"You're not pathetic," Alice took a seat beside me. "Someone really close to me was raped, and someone else I love was manipulated into killing innocent people, but they still love their brain dead brother who's brooding over his own stupidity."

"Who was raped?" my voice shook a bit, imagining something that horrific and compromising happening to any one of the people who had ripped James, my almost murderer, to shreds.

She sighed. "I'm sorry. It wasn't my business to tell you, but I guess now that I did it was Rosalie. She had been left for dead when Carlisle found her."

My guilt flared up again, remembering my assumption that Rosalie was just a self-centered bitch who couldn't stand to see an ugly human with her brother. "I'm sorry," I said.

"I wasn't telling you that to make you feel bad," Alice moved closer to me, as if debating whether physical comfort was appropriate, "she has nightmares still, and she knows that without Emmett she'd break completely. That's why she'd never begrudge you or Edward for being heartbroken."

"Why is Edward heartbroken if he decided on his own not to be with me anymore?"

"It's complicated," she said, "he did love you, but he had to make a choice between staying in a relationship that he doubted would last, and that would either end with you dead or turned into a vampire, and he didn't want that kind of future for you. Thing is, though, he didn't really save you from anything."

My heart rate stated to accelerate. "What does that mean?"

"Truth is," her eyes lowered as if in shame, "I still see you becoming a vampire. And I still see you being a part of our family. Just not..." she paused, "with Edward."

I didn't understand. "Are you saying I'm going to get with Jasper? No offense, but he's really not my type. I mean he's gorgeous like all of you, but the shy and quiet type...we'd bore each other to death."

"You are similar in a way," Alice mused, "I suppose. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything."

I wasn't letting her off the hook that easily. "Well if I'm not going to get with Jasper, and I'm not going to be with Edward, then was I going to turn to get Edward back, get rejected, and just keep hanging around?" The idea horrified me. My imagination ran wild with visions of me being just as clumsy and awkward as a vampire as I was as a human, pestering Edward and grabbing on to his leg while he tried to walk.

"No," she looked almost as uncomfortable as I was. "I really shouldn't have brought this up. Why don't you get some spaghetti? It should be good."

"I'll get some spaghetti if you'll tell me what's going on," I said stubbornly, "who's turning me into a vampire and why am I stalking your family?"

She took an unnecessary deep breath. "Okay. As far as I can see, you're not stalking anyone. It looks like I'm going to turn you."

My breath caught. "But why? You already said Edward won't take me back, so why would you want me hanging around pestering him?"

When I glanced at Alice's expression, she looked as frustrated as I was in ninth grade honors English class, trying to explain to some pep club drone what the mockingbird in "To Kill a Mockingbird" had to do with some black guy. Even without being sure of what I had done, I felt like an incredible idiot.

"Edward really has nothing to do with this. I know when you're with your first love it's hard to imagine that, but you have to ask yourself what you would do if Edward wasn't in the picture. If everything else was the same, but Edward was gone."

"I think you already know the answer to that," I said flatly, "I'd jump off a cliff."

"No, no. I think you're missing the point. If Edward had never been involved. The Cullens exist and so do vampires and werewolves, but for whatever reason, you and Edward had never hit it off. What would you do?"

I frowned, leaning back on the couch and trying to imagine. "I would have been asked out by a million desperate horny losers, and eventually I might have given one of them a chance. Mike and I would have had maybe one date and that would've been it. The 'new girl' hype would have worn off eventually and I would have been exactly where I was before I came here. A loser with virtually no friends."

Instead of looking at me like I was stupid, Alice looked like she felt sorry for me. "If you had never met Edward, who would you have wanted to be with? I'm just curious."

"No one I guess. I've never really been that interested in any other guy as more than a friend," I was beginning to get frustrated, wondering if there was a point to this relentless riddle.

"I felt the same way about Jasper," Alice breathed, "still do."

Finally, it hit me what she was trying to say, and my body recoiled involuntarily. "Are you saying...you mean, you can't mean..."

"That's what I thought. I saw you coming to Forks months before it happened, and every time a new decision was made, you'd fluctuate between me and Edward. On your first day, I was almost certain we had a future. But then Edward threw himself in front of a moving vehicle for you, and that was that. You seemed to really care about each other, and I figured he could make you happier than I could."

Now I was starting to get dizzy. In Arizona, I failed to even get boys to like me, much less vampires, werewolves, and...women. "Oh no. So our entire history as friends must have been hell for you. Fuck, you even helped me shower when I was in a cast..."

"I shouldn't have done that," she said glumly, "but your father practically shoved me after you when it was even suggested. I'm sorry, I should have told you. I just knew that you were Edward's entire life and I didn't want to do anything to hurt either of you."

"I'm not hurt, just extremely confused."

Alice nodded. "Have you ever thought about being with a girl before?"

"Look at me," I said, "I look like a tall twelve-year-old. Puberty for me began the moment I met Edward."

"Bella, you do not look like a twelve-year-old. I am a lot of things, but 'pedophile' isn't one of them."

So that settled it. We weren't waiting for some magical X factor to change things between us. Alice Cullen was already infatuated with me. "I can't say that the idea totally repulses me. It's just not, it's never what I would have expected. I mean, I guess I figure there's enough weird about me without me being a lesbian."

Alice laughed. "If I take you out for a day at the mall, get you a hot new look and take you out someplace nice, I can assure you nobody is going to think 'weird' when they see you."

"They'll think 'how did that ugly chick get another gorgeous Cullen,'" I said dully.

"So you think I'm gorgeous," her tone brightened, "should I be hopeful?"

I wasn't sure how to respond. "I don't want to be the magical creature community's equivalent of a fag hag. Dating Edward, then leading on a werewolf, then dating Edward's sister."

"Is that a good reason not to give me a chance if you want to?" Alice asked, wrapping a cold hand around mine. "I'll respect whatever decision you make, but whatever you choose, leave Edward and 'normality' out of it."

I nodded, wondering if it was hypocritical for a girl who had begged a vampire to turn her into a vicious bloodsucking newborn vampire to be wary of dating another woman. "Charlie would kill me."

"Charlie is just an overprotective dad," Alice said, "he'll act that way about anyone you date. You know it's true. Plus, you can't let him control your life forever."

I knew she was right. I took another good look at her and tried to imagine myself doing with her the kinds of things I had always figured I'd do with Edward someday. It sent a not entirely unwelcome shiver through my body. "But...if Edward is still upset about me, not over me yet, I really don't want to hurt him."

"That's why I didn't tell him where I was going," Alice explained, "part of why anyway."

"Sure but I worry if someday you come home with your new girlfriend, Bella, he's going to kill you," I said.

There was a part of me that wanted nothing more than to throw myself at Alice in front of Edward, letting him see that he didn't have power over me or my life anymore, but I wondered if that reason would really be fair to her. Then there was another part of me that wondered, legitimately wondered, if the girl Edward left behind could love Alice just for Alice's sake.

"It's okay if you don't know. I really can't blame you for having less of an idea at eighteen than I do in my hundreds," Alice sighed, "still. I can't tell you Edward won't be upset, but I can tell you that you don't owe him anything."

I shrugged. "It doesn't matter what I owe him. I'm still in love with him."

"I suppose you are," she said, "forget I mentioned it then."

I wondered if it was needlessly selfish that I was disappointed to see the conversation end at that. "I don't want to just forget it though. If I didn't love Edward, I'd probably say 'yes.' And even if I can't help who I love, I do have to wonder if I should love him."

"I'm not trying to turn you against my brother," Alice winced at her own words, "fuck that. Maybe I am. I'm sorry, I'm being really unfair to you. But just like love makes you do some unfair things, maybe it does that to me too."

"So...you're in love with me?" Perhaps it would have seemed obvious, but I hadn't quite known if her interest really existed beyond a crush.

She nodded. "Either of us could protect you just as well as the other. I won't leave like he would, and he wouldn't make you shop like I would I suppose."

"My therapist did say I love Edward for security. Oh God, I don't want to have to choose against him."

"But you're considering it?" Alice asked. "You didn't consider it with Jacob, did you?"

I shook my head. "Jacob isn't my type."

"Do you even know what your type is?" she asked.

"I know it when I see it."

"Since Edward has left, I've seen his mind change a thousand times. He has considered coming back and considered not coming back, but either way I've never seen you two together forever. Even when he's considering coming back, you get stronger and more confident and believe it or not he starts to need you more than you need him."

"I don't want to hurt either of you. If I wait for Edward to magically change his mind, you're going to get hurt and it might not even work, but if I don't, I'll feel like I'm using you to get over him," I sighed.

"Well then, let's look at it this way. If I didn't have future vision, we'd have a good night together knowing that the possibility was there and just see what happens. Ultimately, you care about both of us and when you care even a little bit about two people in a romantic sense, someone will get hurt. It depends on who would make you happier, so before you make up your mind why don't you find out for yourself if I drive you crazy or not?"

I smiled vaguely, wondering why that hadn't been the first conclusion we reached. "Don't put this all on yourself," I said, "you never know I won't drive you crazy."

"I know you'll drive me crazy. But I wouldn't have it any other way."