November 12, 2020, Kyouya's Office, Ootori Mansion, Tokyo
Haruka.
The memories were clearer still.
November 12, 2008, Kyouya's Office, Ootori Main Hospital, Tokyo
After I placed the phone back on the desk, I had sat and thought for a while. So Haruka had really succeeded in killing herself.
I had wondered whether I should feel regret, or another saddening emotion. I felt nothing, as if I were an empty void.
The solution was easy: I just went on with my work.
Yet, I still felt as though I were missing something important.
November 13, 2009, private den, Ootori Mansion, Tokyo
Haruka, my late wife, had only been dead a year until my family began to press me to remarry.
I invited Tamaki, Haruhi, and their children into my home one day, so that I could consult with them what was best to do. Not that I actually valued Tamaki's opinion. But, as always, the blonde idiot surprised me with pearls of wisdom.
"Remarry?" Tamaki had seemed genuinely surprised. "But isn't it a bit too soon? Haruka's only been dead for a year. She still left Ryusei, and I'm pretty sure the wounds still hurt, right, Kyouya?"
"What wounds?" I asked.
"Yours, Kyouya-senpai." Haruhi gave me a look of disdain as she fed her youngest child from a bottle.
"My wounds? Why would I have any?"
Tamaki was even more shocked.
"Didn't Haruka's death strike something in you?"
I contemplated that.
"No. Should it have?"
Tamaki sighed.
"Didn't you give that beautiful speech at her funeral? Sure sounded like you missed her."
"Politics, my friend. I couldn't say that I felt nothing at her death." I took a small sip of my coffee.
Tamaki and Haruhi stared at me in a shocked silence.
"Well…. Did she love YOU, then?" Tamaki asked delicately.
"Although you probably didn't deserve it." Haruhi scolded me.
I chuckled.
"No, I didn't." I pulled Haruka's suicide letter out of my suit jacket pocket, where I always kept it. I slid the letter across the table to the happy couple.
October 30, 2008
From the desk of Haruka Mikagawa-Ootori
To my beloved and dear Kyouya,
If you are reading this, then I will have traveled to another world already. I already miss you so much. Yet, I can expect that you do not feel the same way.
Let me clear up a few things.
Why did I choose to die?
Please, do not blame yourself. I chose this path, not because I despise you, or wish to tarnish the Ootori name. Really, none of those are my intentions. I have no resentment towards you.
In fact, Kyouya, I truly love you. So, so much, as you've probably noticed.
It is my love for you that causes me to write this and carry out my plan to end my life.
I noticed that you felt nothing towards me from the beginning. I don't blame you-when we began our public courting, I was a silly girl who had petty desires and such. I was proud to have snagged a man like you, even if the whole thing had been arranged. At first, I simply felt pride and puppy love.
Yet I fell deeply in love with you, a pure, wholehearted love. Even though you were only loving towards my in the public spotlight, I loved you. I relished going to press conferences and social events with you, for it was during those times that I felt loved. I do not know whether you were pretending or it was true, but I do know that you ignored me outside of the public eye.
Even so, I attempted to keep my distance from you for I knew you were more comfortable that way.
When we conceived our child, I felt that you had shown your true kindness to me during my pregnancy. I had my doubts, sometimes, that you were only kind because I was carrying a prospective heir.
I milked your love, false or true, for all that it was worth. You probably noticed my selfishness.
After Ryusei was born, I thought that you would truly, truly love me.
But when we discovered that our son had the heart disease, I gave up hope. At first you were fine, when the tics were less noticeable, but when Ryusei began to embarrass you in public, you reacted more indifferently.
I fell into a pit of clinical depression. I fought a losing battle against it for two years, for you had not allowed me to seek medicine for the risk of it going to the press.
Perhaps it was my untreated depression or not, but either way, I will be gone from this world.
Please don't hate me, Kyouya. I love you, even if you don't return my feelings.
Along with this letter, you will find some of my diary entries and Ryusei's drawings.
With all my love,
Haruka Mikagawa-Ootori
After Haruhi finished reading, she passed the paper to Tamaki. She gaped at me in horror.
"Yes?" I asked.
"What happened to you?" She cried. "During the years of the host club, I knew you were a dark shadow king, but I didn't think you were this cruel. You still had a kind side to you back then! What happened to the fake egoist? You've evolved into a true, dark egoist."
"You make it sound like I'm a Pokémon or something. Evolve? Honestly, Haruhi, I don't understand. I was a fake egoist during high school?"
"Yes! You spent a lot of your time and effort into creating this egoistic character, but we all knew that you were kind deep down inside. But now, you just disgust me. I can't believe you." Haruhi got up and walked away, taking her children with her.
Tamaki looked up now, and returned Haruka's letter to me.
"Kyouya….my wife is right. You were never this dark before. What…..happened?" Tamaki sounded remorseful.
"Nothing. What makes you two think that I was a kind person before?"
"I-never mind. I think Haruhi knows more about this issue. I'm sure that all these things will surface eventually." Tamaki stood and left as well.
Was I really altruistic before? I didn't remember much of my high school years, save for studying and managing the host club. I don't exactly remember having a kind streak. Or having fun in high school for that matter. Hadn't I always been en egoist, inside and out?
I felt like I as missing a key piece to this puzzle. Lost in my thoughts, I jumped when I heard my door click open.
Irritated, I looked over my shoulder to see Tachibana bringing my son into my room.
The boy looked more like me everyday, yet I wasn't proud.
"Good evening, Father." The 6-year-old spoke intelligently, I had to give him points for that.
"Good evening, Ryusei." I spoke with a cold civility.
"Master." Tachibana bowed and left the room.
I sighed. I looked at my son. He was still as pale and thin as ever. He looked weak, yet I could see an intelligent fire burning in his eyes.
"So, Ryusei. What happened in school today?"
"As usual, Father. I stayed in the classroom and studied as the others went to the playground." He spoke very intelligently, just the way I had when I was younger.
"I see. Does that make you feel any emotion?" I asked.
"No, Father. My duty is to perform well at school, not to play. Time is money, and I cannot waste either."
Did six-year-olds normally talk like this?
I looked at my platinum Rolex on my wrist.
"Ryusei, I believe that it is…"
"-Time for my medicine and therapy. I understand, Father. I will leave now."
How dare he interrupt me!
I didn't understand why I was angry. He was growing up exactly the way I had, if not better. Perhaps my hatred came from the fact that he might be surpassing me while being weak in body.
"Goodbye, Father."
I watched him leave with a regal grace.
After he had gone, I placed my elbows on the table and slumped my head into my hands.
I'm still missing something. Ryusei, my past, the letter…something isn't adding up. What is it? What is it that I'm looking for?
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Ouran.
Please review! Sorry for not uploading recently.
