1. Anticipation
"I miss you already," Bella whispered against my chin.
"I don't need to leave. I can stay…"
"Mmm," she sighed, and pressed her lips to mine again.
It was the night before our wedding, and we were lying on Bella's bed, intertwined as much as possible, considering the afghan she was swathed in to keep warm. I was trying to avoid the bachelor party that Emmett and Jasper had insisted on throwing for me. I would much rather spend the night here with my fiancée. I was still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I was really going to be marrying the woman of my dreams tomorrow. Every time I thought or said the word fiancée as it related to Bella, I felt like I would explode with joy.
She opened her eyes and gazed into mine. I smiled. I could swear I saw all the way to her soul when she looked at me like that. She had the most beautiful soul. So brave, so trusting, so giving. Her own concerns always came last. And by some miracle, she was mine. What good deed had I done to deserve this truest of all loves?
She pulled my face back to hers.
"Definitely staying," I murmured when she let me speak again.
"No, no. It's your bachelor party. You have to go," she said, but she twisted the fingers of one of her hands in my hair, while her other hand pressed against the small of my back.
I stroked her face as I spoke. "Bachelor parties are designed for those who are sad to see the passing of their single days. I couldn't be more eager to have mine behind me. So there's really no point."
"True," she agreed as her warm breath caressed my throat.
She moved her hand from my back and ran it down my bare chest, tracing unseen patterns on my stomach with her fingers. A shudder of pleasure rippled through me and I kissed her again. She touched the tip of her tongue lightly against my lip. I sighed in ecstasy, but then started to pull away. Being this close to her made me nervous. I always shied away from my instincts when I wanted most to keep going.
"Wait," she said, gripping my shoulders and pulling herself closer as she kicked herself free of the afghan. "Practice makes perfect."
I chuckled, trying to keep my mood light. "Well, we should be fairly close to perfection by this point, then, shouldn't we? Have you slept at all in the last month?"
"But this is the dress rehearsal," she insisted. "And we've only practiced certain scenes. It's no time for playing safe."
Playing safe. What a perfect phrase to describe what I was doing. I was pulling away from this when a much more dangerous situation was just around the corner, looming closer and closer in the distance. I couldn't believe I had actually agreed to this. Bella never asked me for anything (although I wanted to give her the world and everything in it), and the one thing she wanted before she became immortal, the only thing she'd ever asked me for, was to make love with me as a human. The one thing I didn't want to give her, not because I didn't want it just as much as she did, but because I was afraid for her safety. She'd begged and pleaded with me, and it was painful to refuse her. After much persuasion, I'd agreed to try, after she married me. I'd promised her a real honeymoon. I had been blissfully happy that night, because it had gotten me what I wanted. That was the night that she had finally agreed to marry me.
But now, with the moment of truth coming closer and closer, I was nervous. Extremely nervous. It was too hard to concentrate when she was with me, even like this. I was so scared that I would lose my focus and hurt or even kill her. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did.
"Bella…" I whispered.
"Don't start this again," she scolded me. "A deal's a deal."
"I don't know. It's too hard to concentrate when you're with me like this." And this is while you're fully clothed. "I—I can't think straight. I won't be able to control myself. You'll get hurt."
"I'll be fine," she insisted for what seemed like the millionth time.
"Bella…"
"Shh," she said, pressing her lips to mine again.
I kissed her back, but I was more controlled this time. I didn't let myself go too far. I knew it was the wrong thing to be doing. I knew I should be encouraging myself to keep going, so that I would be able to control myself more when the time came for the actual act. But I couldn't make myself do it. I just wasn't as into it as before as I thought about the honeymoon.
"How are your feet?" I asked, desperate to change the subject.
"Toasty warm," she replied without hesitation.
"Really? No second thoughts? It's not too late to change your mind."
And part of me wished she would change her mind. I knew she thought she was the luckiest woman on the planet, but I didn't agree. I thought she deserved better, and I still couldn't understand what she saw in me, why she loved me. Not that I wasn't immensely grateful that she did.
"Are you trying to ditch me?" she teased.
I chuckled. "Just making sure. I don't want you to do anything you're not sure about."
"I'm sure about you. The rest I can live through."
She could live through it? So she wasn't sure about becoming a vampire? "Can you?" I asked quietly. "I don't mean the wedding—which I am positive you will survive despite your qualms—but afterward…what about Renee, what about Charlie?"
She sighed. "I'll miss them," she said for the umpteenth time. We'd been through this before.
"Angela and Ben and Jessica and Mike."
"I'll miss my friends, too." She smiled deviously. "Especially Mike. Oh Mike! How will I go on?"
I growled playfully.
She laughed before continuing. "Edward, we've been through this and through this. I know it will be hard, but this is what I want. I want you, and I want you forever. One lifetime is simply not enough for me."
Much as I loved hearing those words come out of my angel's mouth, I was still scared. Worrying about everything that was coming. And I still thought I was the most selfish, deplorable creature on the planet for having agreed to all of this. First, I'd told her that I would change her myself if she married me (my idea, not hers—I knew it would buy me a little more time with her as a human, and being married to her was what I wanted most in the world). Then, I'd agreed to give her a real honeymoon, something I knew would be dangerous, even deadly, for her. I should be quarantined.
I was completely, madly, wretchedly in love with my Bella, and that would be true forever, every single second of every single day of forever. I wanted more than anything to be married to her. I didn't know how I would survive the wait, even though it was only a few hours. But the rest…it was so selfish of me to have agreed to it. I wanted it for myself, desperately. I never wanted to have to lose her, and I wanted so much to physically express the passionate love I felt for her. But even though she wanted to become a vampire after the honeymoon, or thought she did, I still couldn't shake the feeling that it was wrong. I was taking so much away from her by agreeing to change her.
"Frozen forever at eighteen," I whispered.
"Every woman's dream come true."
"Never changing…never moving forward."
"What does that mean?"
I hesitated, unsure if she would want to hear what I was thinking of. "Do you remember when we told Charlie we were getting married? And he thought you were…pregnant?"
"And he thought about shooting you," she joked. "Admit it—for one second, he honestly considered it."
I didn't answer. I knew Bella didn't want to hear that I wished I could have children with her. She was only eighteen, after all. Having children wasn't even a blip on her radar right now. She wasn't ready for that. But in the future…if she were a vampire, it would never be possible.
"What, Edward?" she asked after a pause.
I guessed it was better to just spit it out. "I just wish…well, I wish that he'd been right."
"Gah."
I amended my statement, although I did wish it were true. "More that there was some way he could have been. That we had that kind of potential. I hate taking that away from you."
She thought about that for a minute. "I know what I'm doing," she finally said.
"How could you know that, Bella? Look at my mother, look at my sister. It's not as easy a sacrifice as you imagine."
"Esme and Rosalie get by just fine. If it's a problem later, we can do what Esme did—we'll adopt."
I sighed. "It's not right!" I exclaimed in a fierce voice. "I don't want you to have to make sacrifices for me. I want to give you things, not take things away from you. I don't want to steal your future. If I were human—"
She put her hand over my lips to silence me. "You are my future. Now stop. No moping, or I'm calling your brothers to come and get you. Maybe you need a bachelor party."
"I'm sorry," I said, penitent. I shouldn't be focusing on the negative right now. I was getting married tomorrow, for goodness' sake! How could I be dwelling on the negative when I was getting the thing I wanted most in the world tomorrow? "I am moping, aren't I? Must be the nerves."
"Are your feet cold?" she asked.
"Not in that sense. I've been waiting a century to marry you, Miss Swan. The wedding ceremony is the one thing I can't wait—"
Get out here right now, or we'll come in there and get you ourselves. Emmett interrupted my train of thought.
"Oh, for the love of all that's holy!" I exclaimed.
"What's wrong?" my love asked.
I clenched my jaw. "You don't have to call my brothers. Apparently Emmett and Jasper are not going to let me bow out tonight."
She pulled herself closer to me for a second, and then let me go. She knew she didn't have a prayer of winning a tug-of-war with my brothers. "Have fun," she told me.
Emmett ran his fingernails against the window, and the sound was worse than fingernails on a chalkboard. Bella shuddered.
"If you don't send Edward out," Emmett hissed, "we're coming in after him!"
"Go," Bella laughed. "Before they break my house."
I rolled my eyes as I got to my feet and put my shirt back on. I leaned down and kissed my angel's forehead. "Get to sleep. You've got a big day tomorrow."
"Thanks! That's sure to help me wind down."
"I'll meet you at the altar," I said, and the anticipation made my stomach curl into a knot.
"I'll be the one in white," she said, sounding perfectly at ease. I knew she was mortified at the public exhibition she was going to be the center of tomorrow.
"Very convincing," I said with a chuckle. I crouched down and sprang out her window before Emmett could break it down.
"You'd better not make him late," I heard Bella mutter.
Jasper sprang up the tree and poked his head in her window. "Don't worry, Bella. We'll get him home in plenty of time."
"Jasper? What do vampires do for bachelor parties? You're not taking him to a strip club, are you?"
"Don't tell her anything!" Emmett growled, mock punching me a little harder than necessary on the shoulder. Don't worry, kid. We'd never subject you to that.
I laughed quietly. Of course, I knew that. If they had even thought of doing anything remotely similar to a normal human bachelor party, I would never have agreed to go along with this.
"Relax," Jasper told Bella. "We Cullens have our own version. Just a few mountain lions, a couple of grizzly bears. Pretty much an ordinary night out."
"Thanks, Jasper."
He was back on the ground with Emmett and me in half a second.
"All right," I sighed in resignation. "Let's do this."
Jasper had been telling Bella the truth. My brothers were going to take me hunting before the wedding. I couldn't argue with the logic there, which was one of the reasons I'd agreed to go. But, even though we weren't doing anything extremely special, my brothers were still ridiculously enthusiastic to have some time with me. And, if I admitted it, I was glad to be able to have one last night to be reckless with them before I got married, too. Carlisle had wanted to come with us, but Emmett and Jasper convinced him to stay home. They wanted some brotherly bonding time with me without our father around.
I hunted, catching a few mountain lions, but I wasn't really into it. I was still worrying about the honeymoon. I was almost ready to back out of the deal, but I wouldn't do that to Bella. She wanted it too much, and I couldn't hurt her like that. When I had refused her in the past, she'd taken it as rejection. She'd thought I didn't want her. On the contrary, I wanted her more than she knew. I'd wanted her from the moment I'd realized I was in love with her, and the desire had only intensified over time. At times, it felt like I would explode from it. The only thing that had stopped me before was Bella's safety, and that was the only reason I was so apprehensive about it now. But if I refused her after we were married, it would be a hundred times worse. I would follow through with my side of our bargain, despite my qualms.
When we'd all drunk our fill, we sat down on some rocks to just enjoy each other's company. My nerves were getting worse by the second, and even Emmett, unaffected as he was by any serious climate, noticed it.
"Hey, kid, cheer up," Emmett told me. "You're getting married tomorrow."
I smiled as I imagined how beautiful Bella would look in her wedding dress. Not that I'd actually seen it. Alice was always very careful not to think of it when she was around me. But I could still imagine it.
"What's up, bro? Talk to us," Jasper encouraged.
"I…I can't," I said apologetically.
"Edward, you should be happy, tonight of all nights. You're marrying Bella tomorrow. We all know how much that means to you, and you're sitting here moping. What's on your mind?"
"It's too embarrassing to talk about," I admitted.
"Emmett, leave," Jasper joked.
We all laughed.
"Not a chance," Emmett said jokingly. "You need to talk to us, Edward," he continued in a more serious tone. "If you don't get it out now, you'll be moping tomorrow and you'll ruin it for Bella."
"Edward, we're your brothers. We're here to help you," Jasper reminded me. "Tell us what's going on. Emmett, if you won't leave, at least behave yourself, please. I've never seen him this nervous."
"I'll be good," Emmett promised. "You look like you're about to explode, kid. Talk."
"Okay, so I'm worried about the honeymoon," I admitted.
"What do you mean?" Jasper asked. "You're worried that something will happen to her on the island? I'm sure she'll be fine. You'd be able to save her from anything that could possibly happen."
My brothers had no clue about the bargain I'd made with Bella. Only Carlisle, Esme, and Alice knew. I'd wanted to keep it from Alice, because I'd thought she'd tell Jasper, but of course, it was ridiculous to assume I could keep anything from her. But she'd promised me she would block it out and she wouldn't tell a soul. She'd had faith in me when I'd almost given in before, and that faith hadn't been lost now. I wished I could feel that positive.
I sighed. Maybe it would be good to say it out loud. "You guys know that Bella never asks me for anything. I want to give her the world, but she doesn't want anything from me, except for one thing: me. She asked me…no, begged me, to have sex with her before she was changed."
Emmett howled with laughter. Kid doesn't think he's got game.
"Emmett, shut up," Jasper scolded him. "Let him talk."
"Sorry. I couldn't help it," Emmett said, grinning.
"Go on, Edward," Jasper encouraged, calming me with his gift.
"This is the only thing Bella's ever asked me for. The one human experience she wants to have before she becomes a vampire. After she begged pitifully for about half an hour, I told her we would try, after we got married. At first, I was happy about it, because that was what finally convinced her to marry me."
Emmett guffawed.
"Emmett," Jasper growled. "Continue, Edward."
"Now I'm terrified," I said.
"What's got you worried?" Jasper asked. "Really, it's a good thing. There's nothing to be afraid of."
"Seriously, kid. The only thing better than sex is drinking human blood," Emmett said, slightly more serious. "And since we don't drink human blood…I guess it's the best feeling in the world."
"I don't think you fully appreciate how fragile humans are," I said. "Jasper, tiny as Alice is, you've never had to worry about crushing every bone in her body. And Emmett, Rose is, well, Rose. They've been vampires for as long as you've known them."
Emmett was still confused, but Jasper understood instantly.
"Does Bella realize how dangerous it is for her?" Jasper asked.
I sighed. "I don't think she does. Not really. She's convinced that I can't hurt her. She realizes that I'm physically capable of it, but she knows I don't want to hurt her, and I'm so careful with her all the time that she doesn't think I could."
Emmett finally got it. "So you're worried that you're going to kill Bella because you'll be so focused on getting some?"
Jasper growled menacingly at Emmett.
I sighed again. Tact was definitely not something Emmett had a knack for. "Well, basically, yes," I said. "I don't trust myself to be able to concentrate enough to tell if I'm hurting her."
"So tell her to tell you if you're hurting her," Jasper suggested.
I'd been planning on doing that already. "Thank you, Captain Obvious. But what if I can't stop?" My worry was becoming more pronounced now.
"You love Bella," Jasper said. "You've tasted her blood, the blood that smells sweeter to you than any other human's blood, and you were able to stop drinking it after you got James' venom out. I'm sure you'll be able to stop yourself, or at least reign yourself in, if she tells you that you're hurting her."
"What if she doesn't even realize it?" I asked.
"If you're hurting her badly enough, she will," Jasper said, trying to comfort me.
That had been the wrong thing to say. "Oh, so she'll be able to tell if I break one of her bones? She could be black and blue from head to toe the next day and not have ever known that I was being too rough with her, but that's okay?"
I suddenly felt very calm, and I knew it was Jasper's doing. But instead of being slightly annoyed like I usually was, I was grateful. I needed to calm down.
"It'll work out, kid," Emmett said, all traces of humor gone from his voice. He understood my worries now and he wanted me to forget about them. "Just relax. Think about tomorrow. Don't worry about the honeymoon now. Think about the wedding."
"Believe me, Emmett, I've tried. I've tried not to think about it, but it's looming on the horizon like a thundercloud. I can't ignore it."
"Everything will be fine, bro," Jasper encouraged. "I have faith in you. You'll be able to do this, and you'll enjoy it. I promise."
"I don't trust myself not to hurt her," I said, still not convinced.
"We trust you," Jasper said sincerely. "Have you talked to Carlisle about this?"
"Of course."
"Does he think you can do it?"
"Yes, he does."
"Well, Carlisle knows you even better than we do," Emmett said, still trying to help Jasper calm me. "If he believes you can do this without hurting Bella, you can."
"I'm not sure about that," I said.
"I know Alice has to have seen it. Does she see Bella hurt afterwards?" Jasper asked.
"Well, no, but she promised to block it out. So she might not see if Bella's going to get hurt," I told him.
"Don't be so negative about it," Emmett suggested. "If you think like this about it, of course something will go wrong."
I tensed with worry again, but I was calmed almost instantly.
Jasper hissed. "Emmett, that probably wasn't the best way to say that. But the idea of what he just said is good advice, bro. Think positively about it, and everything will work out well."
I sighed. They were right. I just had to have the same faith in myself that the rest of my family did. Everything would work out fine. Bella trusted me, Carlisle trusted me, Esme trusted me, Alice trusted me, my brothers trusted me. I would be able to do this. I just had to think positively.
"So, is Alice throwing Bella a bachelorette party?" Emmett asked, trying to lighten the mood.
It worked. We all laughed.
"No, she's not," Jasper said. "So at least Edward doesn't have to worry about a bunch of male strippers as competition."
We laughed again. I was glad I'd finally voiced my concerns out loud, and, despite Emmett's jibes, it was good to know that my family had faith in me that I could give Bella what she so desperately wanted without hurting her. For the rest of the evening, I locked my worries about the honeymoon in a little drawer in my head and concentrated instead on enjoying my time with my brothers.
