RFSP episode #108
A South Park Christmas
Chapter 2-Problems arise
Later that night, Kyle and Ike found themselves staring into their toilet as they eagerly and patiently awaited the arrival of their fecal friend.
"Where's the poo man?" Ike asked.
"I don't know Ike." Kyle answered. "I'm…sure he'll be up…eventually." The boys had been waiting for Mr. Hankey for the past two hours.
"I don't get it." Kyle began to worry. "It's three days before Christmas! This is when he usually shows up! I mean, I know he's got a family and shit-." Kyle paused as he and Ike laughed at Kyle's unintended pun. "But he still at least makes an effort every year! What the hell's going on down there?"
The boys had stared at the clear colored toilet water for another twenty minutes when Sheila and Gerald came in to check on them.
"It's getting late boys." Gerald notified them both. "I'd think that if your little friend was going to show up, he'd be here by now."
"I just don't get it dad!" Kyle replied. "Even with his kids and insane wife, he's still managed to emerge every year! What the heck do you think is taking him so long?"
"Well…."
"He'll show up!" Kyle confidently continued. "He's going to be here any second now! I just know it!"
"Well…alright then." Gerald continued. "Don't stay up too long!"
"OK!"
Sheila and Gerald left the room, leaving Kyle and Ike to continue staring into the toilet once more.
"Maybe I can ask Mr. Hankey what I should get Red for the Secret Santa exchange…if he ever shows up…."
Another thirty minutes had gone by, and still no trace of the scent of poop had come out of the toilet. Kyle decided to try a new tactic; and began to yell into the toilet.
"Mr. Hankey! Mr. Hankeeeeeyyyyy! Are you down there?"
Kyle waited a few seconds and tried again when he heard no reply.
"MR. HANKEY! MR. HANKEEEYYYY!" Kyle screamed even louder, this time with Ike accompanying.
"Autumn!" Kyle began to shout the names of the rest of the Hankey family. "Simon!? Amber!? Cornwallis!? Is anybody down there!?"
Ike began to look pretty sad. "Don't worry Ike!" Kyle attempted to reassure the young Canadian. "He'll get here!"
The boys stayed up waiting for Mr. Hankey for another 2 hours and had both fallen asleep by 2 A.M. Kyle had fallen asleep rather disappointed and worried, not knowing whatever had happened to the Hankey's. At 2:30 A.M., Gerald and Sheila walked in and took the sleeping boys up to their rooms; being careful not to wake either of them up in the process.
It was at that same moment that Gerald and Sheila were putting Ike and Kyle to bed, that Stan had suddenly woken up. Stan just rolled over and tried to go back to sleep, but something in his mind kept bugging him; preventing him from sleeping.
"Unit 243…." Kept ringing through his head. "Unit 243…Unit 243…Unit 243…."
The storage unit that the mall employee had mentioned kept running through his memory; as if it were beckoning Stan to investigate. Stan tried to think of something else, anything else, to get his mind off of it so he could fall back asleep, but to no avail. Sighing, he got out of bed, grabbed his coat, and crept out of the house as quietly as he could.
He walked the somewhat long distance from his house to the storage complex.
"Wait, hold on…what the hell am I doing? It's probably not even open right now."
Stan pulled out the scrap of paper that the mall employee gave to him and noticed that he had also scribbled some numbers on it. "Open until the 24th, from 11 P.M. to 3 A.M. each night" was scribbled on the piece of paper.
"No, I'm not doing this. One way or another, I'm going to find something affordable." Stan began to walk away, but was quickly stopped by his thoughts.
"No, just keep walking. Don't look back, it will only tempt you more dude. Although…no, just go back home. No…those mall prices were too high…and besides…this…operation sounds a bit sketchy…no telling who runs it…need to get Christmas gifts…oh…oh…oh fuck it!"
Stan turned back around and headed back towards the storage complex. As you would expect at such a late hour, the main entrance gate was closed. Stan shrugged and began to climb over the fence. Stan dropped down to the other side once he had climbed up to the top. Stan began to search for Unit 243 and it didn't take him very long to find; despite the unit itself being in a back corner. Stan slowly approached the door, unsure of what to expect, and cautiously knocked on the door.
"Who is it?" a voice asked from what sounded like the back of the unit.
"Uh…yeah, hi. I heard that you were selling cheap Christmas items, or something?"
A pause. "Who told you that? How'd you know that that's what I'm doing?"
"Because you just told me, stupid."
"…son of a bitch. Fine, just give me two seconds and I'll let you in."
A couple of seconds later, the unit's garage-like door began to roll up, revealing what lied inside. Stan walked in (with the door closing behind him) and stumbled a bit in the dark before a light was turned on. Stan got his bearings straight and looked around.
"Whoa…." Stan exclaimed as he noticed a few items from just about every category had been strung about and put up on display.
"Stan? How the hell did you find this place?"
Stan whirled around and gazed upon the identity of the entity running the miniature black market-esque room. The stranger's identity wound up being no surprise to Stan; not a complete surprise anyways.
"Cartman? You're the one behind this?" Stan asked.
"Well, well, well. I should have known you would show up." Cartman stated.
"What exactly are you doing? Where the hell did you get all this stuff from?"
"What's it look like I'm doing dumb ass?" Cartman asked. "Clearly, I gathered a bunch of stuff that I imagine people would want to buy somebody for Christmas and I'm selling them here."
"But…why?"
Cartman sighed out of annoyance and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Are you seriously this dense dude? What was the very thing that YOU were complaining about at the mall earlier?"
"The prices?"
"Exactly! With any luck, people will give up on the store prices, and will buy everything they need right here for a cheap price. If I sell enough stuff, I just might make it big!"
Stan rolled his eyes, no doubt in his mind that Cartman's scheme wouldn't net him any profits.
"Where exactly did you get all this stuff?" Stan asked, having no idea how Cartman could have acquired such a horde.
"Ha! You think I bought any of this?" Cartman snickered. "Well, OK, I did buy a few things, but most of this stuff is just my mom and I's old stuff from the basement."
"You think a grown man is going to buy your mom's old clothes?"
"That's just it though…they don't know it's not men's clothing." Cartman answered with a smirk.
Stan rolled his eyes. "Yeah, well good luck actually getting something from this."
Stan hung around for a bit anyways, hanging onto one small thread of hope that Cartman might have something he could get someone. He finally just gave up and left the unit and proceeded to head back home.
"Black market Christmas...what the hell hasn't that fat ass done yet?" Stan thought out loud on the way home.
The next morning, Kyle was eating his bowl of cereal on the couch while watching the news, when the reporter said something that piqued his interest; to say the least.
"Where are all the trees?" the reporter began. "Reports of shortages of Christmas trees during the last week have been sprouting up all over Park County. Nobody seems to know what's causing this, but from what we can tell, the soil conditions weren't the best to grow Christmas trees in."
"Yeesh!" Kyle exclaimed.
"As for the weather, radar has just confirmed that a huge blizzard is expected to hit sometime tomorrow on Christmas Eve. Towns are being advised to stay warm, stock up, and be prepared for whatever might happen."
"What!? Oh no!"
Kyle realized that he basically only had 24 hours to get Red a gift and find out what happened to Mr. Hankey. He quickly put his coat on and dashed outside. Kyle texted Stan, Kenny, and Cartman, telling them to meet up at the sewer entrance by their bus stop. All three of them were a little hesitant to come along though, as they had plenty of Christmas shopping to do, and with the fear of the possible upcoming blizzard, they all figured that the stores were going to be packed to the brim.
The boys entered the sewers and made their way over to where Mr. Hankey's house was; with Cartman constantly reminding Kenny that the sewers smelled like his house, much to Kenny's offense.
("What exactly makes you sure that he's down here?") Kenny asked Kyle as the four of them trekked through the murky waters. ("If he didn't show up last night, he could've left completely!")
"I don't think he'd do that without telling us first!" Kyle answered as confidently as he could.
The quartet finally got to Mr. Hankey's house. Kyle lightly tapped on the door.
"Mr. Hankey? Mr. Hankey? Are you in there? Hello? Is anybody in there?" Kyle called out as he tapped on the door again. A few minutes went by and nothing else happened.
Kyle scratched his head. "This doesn't make any sense" Kyle had really begun to worry at that point. "Where the hell did they all go?"
"I'm sure they're fine dude…wherever they are." Stan tried to reassure him.
("Hey look! Is that a note?") Kenny pointed to a piece of paper lying right next to the tiny house. Kyle picked it up and read it aloud.
"Dear Kyle." The note began. "I've had something unexpected come up at the last minute. Remember when the film critics came and the stuff they were flushing was making me sick? Well the same thing happened again, except it didn't happen to me this time, it happened to Simon. I don't know what's going on up on the surface, but I needed to get Simon out of here as quick as I could. You see, Simon's immune system isn't entirely great, so he caught the sickness pretty quick. I had to get him out of here, so I took the whole family up North for a little bit until Simon gets better. I apologize if I'm not able to make it back in time for Christmas, but hopefully Simon's illness will wear off soon and we can come back home. And hopefully my damn wife will stop begging me to give her some of Simon's pills…that bitch is so high maintenance. Yours truly, Mr. Hankey."
"Well, there you go Jew boy." Cartman added. "This Christmas just got a whole lot shittier."
Kyle just sighed out of disappointment and started to head back to the sewer access they had used.
The four boys headed over to the mall once they got back to the surface.
"So…there's a blizzard that's supposed to hit tomorrow?" Stan asked Kyle.
"That's what the news said." Kyle sighed. "As if this Christmas couldn't get any worse."
Just as they had expected, due to the imminent threat of the blizzard, the mall was seriously crowded.
"I just don't know Stan." Kyle confessed. "I have no clue on what to get for Red. You're much more experienced with shopping for girls then I'll ever be. Surely you must have some advice…right?" Kyle asked with a hint of disparity lingering in his voice.
"Dude, it's a Secret Santa gift, chill out."
"Huh?"
"Since when does anyone get the person they chose something more than $15? Nobody said you had to get her anything special, so just…I don't know…get her some candy or something. Get her something anybody would like."
"I know, but it's just…I feel like it should be something more than generic, you know?"
"Well if it means that much to you, just get her something that has some kind of meaning to it."
"But I hardly know her!"
"And I didn't know a whole lot about Bebe when we first got together. And even so, I wound up getting her a good gift last year."
"How though?"
"I got her a gift…with a message of sorts."
"Huh?" Kyle tried to ask Stan what that meant, but Stan had already started walking away towards a store.
"Message…what?" Kyle contemplated.
Meanwhile, Stan ad gone into a different clothing store, and just like the mall itself, that particular store was jam packed. Stan looked around and noticed that the store seemed to have lowered their prices in response to the fear of the upcoming blizzard. Because of that, the store had actually turned into a shopping frenzy; complete with people scurrying about trying to scoop up the discount items.
"Looks like I've been given a second chance…I just need to make sure I don't lose my sanity in here." Stan thought to himself. "Considering the situation I'm in, I guess I wouldn't be surprised if-."
Stan stopped mid-thought and turned around to have his suspicions confirmed. Sure enough, there was Cartman, trying to avoid the panic as he attempted to get Wendy's gift. Stan felt his jaw drop when he saw Cartman pick out a scarf that he thought might work, but ultimately neglected the idea and put it back where he found it.
Not wanting Cartman to interfere with his gift ideas, Stan tried to silently slip by him, but to no avail.
"Well, well, well, well, well!" Cartman stated once he saw Stan. "Look who should've gotten something from me last night and is now just as uptight as everyone else here!"
"What do you want fat ass?" Stan asked.
"Oh nothing…I'm just making sure that you don't beat me to whatever I might get for Wendy."
"Pfft, please I've had way more experience with girls then you ever will!" Stan shot back.
"So? 'Experience' doesn't mean 'ultimate shopper' dumb ass! Well, not to me anyways."
Stan just realized that that he had actually looked at that scarf the day before. He had thought it would work, but it was just as expensive as everything else he had seen that day.
"You're…not going to get Wendy that scarf, are you?" Stan asked.
"Why the hell do you-oh I get it!" Cartman realized Stan's intent and flashed him a smirk in response. "You're trying to get that for Bebe aren't you?"
"Uh-."
"Well I wasn't going to get it, but now that you want it, I may as well!" Cartman taunted as he grabbed the scarf.
"Hey!"
"Finders keepers, loser's weepers, asshole!"
Stan narrowed his eyebrows, realizing he had entered some kind of competition.
"Alright then Cartman…if that's how it's going to be…hey look over there!"
Much to Stan's surprise, Cartman fell for it. Cartman turned around, giving Stan the opportunity he needed to punch Cartman's stomach and grab the scarf while he was stunned.
"Hey!" Cartman called after him. The boys then began to fight over the scarf like a couple of other people were doing over other things in the store. At one point, Kyle and Kenny walked by and observed them fighting. Kyle just groaned saying that he could totally see Cartman doing that, but not Stan. Kenny just thought it was hilarious and recorded a video of it.
Eventually, Stan came out on top and had worn Cartman down. Cartman finally gave in, flipped off Stan (and Kenny when he saw him videoing the whole thing), and left the store to try his luck elsewhere. Stan triumphantly walked up to the counter and paid the reduced $20 price for the scarf.
"I must say, as…dumb as the two of you looked, I'm kind of impressed dude." Kyle stated when Stan walked out.
"Eh, you would've done the same. You hit him more often than I do." Stan replied. "Thought of anything for Red?"
"No…but I'm finally starting to get an idea…."
Cartman didn't bother hitting any other stores.
"Fucking asshole…." He mumbled to himself. "I should've grabbed that god-damn scarf when I had the chance! Now what am I going to do?"
Cartman headed back home, realizing that his mom probably had dinner ready for him. Sure enough, he smelled something delicious the moment he walked in the door.
"Is that you Eric?" Liane called out from the kitchen.
"Yeah, it's me, mom."
"You're just in time sweetie! I made you some chocolate donut pot pie surprise!"
Cartman took his seat at the table where his food was waiting for him. Mr. Kitty strolled in and began to meow.
"No Mr. Kitty! This is MY pot pie!"
Mr. Kitty kept meowing anyway.
"No Mr. Kitty! That's a bad Mr. Kitty!"
Mr. Kitty meowed yet again.
"No kitty, that's a bad kitty!"
Mr. Kitty began to hiss at Cartman.
"Mom! Mr. Kitty's being a dick!"
"Well then, I know a certain kitty-kitty that's sleeping with mommy tonight!" Liane replied as she came out and sat down at the table.
"…Ewww…." Cartman uttered once he realized what she probably meant.
It wasn't long after when Liane realized that something was troubling her son.
"Eric, what's wrong?"
Cartman sighed. "It's nothing it's just…well…I can't seem to find a great Christmas gift for Wendy. I don't know what to do! And now with this blizzard supposedly coming tomorrow, I don't know if I have another chance."
Liane began to think of a solution; albeit not entirely sure if it would be a good idea, due to the imminent blizzard.
"Well…I do recall hearing something the other day about North Park's stores having an amazing selection of items that I'm sure your little girlfriend would want."
"North Park!? How am I supposed to get over there and back before the storm hits?"
"Well…you're right. I guess that wouldn't be very safe…sorry sweetie."
Cartman sighed…only to immediately have a light bulb go off in his mind; causing him to put his fingers to his chin in thought.
"Safe or not…North Park is my last chance…."
A/N: And chapter 2 is done! I'm sure I can get the last chapter up by the end of Christmas Day, so stay tuned for that!
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