Journey to Babel – Amanda's Meditation
by
aurado
Summary: Prior to Sarek's surgery, when any hope of recovery seems vain, Amanda thinks of her family and of her failures. Bittersweet memories of the past.
CH. 2 ADDED. A MEMORY OF S/A BOND
Chapter 2
Babel was still far. Myriads of constellations, some white, some bluish, some crimson, kept flowing silently, out of the huge glass wall, on the observation deck.
A trek of stars that would have been so wonderful to observe, if only circumstances had been different.
But Amanda had no heart to look at them.
Today, galaxies and nebulas only reminded her of Sarek and Spock.
Of her first weeks in Shi'khar, when Sarek patiently had tried to teach her where the sun, her Sun, could be found among the thousands of stars dotting the Vulcan sky.
Of the many long hours spent on the High Terrace of their mansion at home, listening to a know-it-all eight year old, who could name the constellations one by one.
Turning her head abruptly away from the offending nebulas, Amanda stared into the dark, her eyes too dry to cry, due to past tears and to sleep deprivation, her lips to tight to sob.
Mechanically she straightened up, ironed with her hands the folds of her gown and checked her chignon for any loose strand.
She tried to breathe deeply and to employ some Vulcan meditation to empty her mind and find some peace. But the calm green eyes of him who taught her to meditate immediately flashed through her mind, disrupting any attempt at blanking memories out.
Resigned, she let the dam of thoughts flood her again. "I cannot think of anything else" she thought pragmatically. "Or better, I can't think of anyone else. My brain won't obey….don't know who's more obstinate in our family…" and a smile almost escaped her.
"They're both stubborn!" Captain Kirk himself had exclaimed, referring to Sarek and Spock, when in Engineering, after her husband's second denial of having his son as a guide of the ship tour.
Kirk had looked surprised, but perhaps not so much…
She had told a joke and defined their stubbornness "a Human trait", but Kirk, that was no fool, had certainly caught, in the remark, the clear hint of irony.
Amanda suspected his son's obduracy, no, let's say resoluteness, was somehow well known even among his shipmates.
And Sarek…well Sarek was certainly Spock's father in that…
He had unquestionably shown an exemplary Vulcan tenacity against his son's choice of life and career.
Not even eighteen years had softened his demeanour. Or not?
That he had not forgiven Spock was a fact.
But Amanda, in spite of being Human and having limited memory, had been noticing many other facts along the previous eighteen years. Facts at least curious. Though, if enumerated to Sarek, they would have been categorically dismissed as irrelevant.
How come he always seemed to know where the Enterprise was patrolling and when and where its crewmembers went on shore leave? Did the credit go solely to his ambassadorial privilege to read all that boring Federation stuff?
How come he had always learned about Spock's promotions and commissions, even before herself, who had been constantly in touch with their son? Only mere coincidence?
How come he had always refused to take and train, as his aid, another member of the family – one of Silek's sons, for instance- as it would have been only logical to do, on behalf of Vulcan and of their clan?
Such consideration sounded suspiciously, if not openly…paternal to Amanda.
Irrelevant as they might be, those little…could they be called weaknesses? on Sarek's side, were definitely what still allowed Amanda to hope.
And on the ship, in spite of his playing the oh-so-strict Vulcan father, Sarek had offered her another of these pearls.
"You embarrassed Spock this evening. Not even a mother may do that.", he had patiently reprimanded her, when they were alone in their quarters, like a wise old teacher would have done with a schoolgirl.
"He's a Starfleet officer. He must command respect if he is to function" he had added.
And Amanda…no, she had certainly not lost the occasion of teasing Sarek, in fact had promptly accused him of "almost human pride" in his son.
A really saucy allegation.
Of course he had denied everything.
God, how close destiny had for once brought father and son!
And why had Sarek been so headstrong and refused to take advantage of such rare closeness, if only to talk, to explain, to look for a reconciliation…?
And how could the same destiny be now so cruel and separate the three of them even more?
But then, could she blame Sarek only?
What about herself?
Hadn't she herself asked Spock, that same day, to renounce his own Starfleet responsibilities, in order to save her husband?
Hadn't she told him that she would have hated him, if he had refused to break Starfleet regulations and had not assisted Sarek?
Hadn't she beaten him?
So who wasn't accepting Spock's choices? Sarek or herself?
She had been the first Human to marry a Vulcan.
The first woman to conquer an alien heart.
It had seemed so amazingly wondrous at first.
But then…
Had she been so selfish and not anticipated that her decisions would have affected not only herself but her children as well?
Had she been so young and superficial?
Had she been so blindly in love?
So…emotional?
So…Human?
She still remembered the joy she had felt in learning that a healthy new life was eventually forming inside her. That time, she was positive she had sensed pride through her marital bond.
No, she surely could never forget how Sarek's eyes seemed to smile and glow with the news of his eventually living child, after so many failed attempts.
A promise come true, a dream fulfilled.
She could not forget how, once in their bedchamber, far from the presence of the healers, he had embraced her tightly, but tenderly, how he had caressed her, first her hair, then her face, brushing lightly against her melding points, kissing softly her eyes, then her belly, with almost trembling hands.
She had sensed his contentment, his affection, his sense of being one with her, and now with their child.
At last he had made love to her, so slowly and carefully and only to pleasure her, repeating her she was his, and his alone, and she was his forever.
He had kept her in his arms all night long.
She realized, the morning after, that he hadn't slept at all, but had stayed awake, cuddling her, watching her, guarding her, as his most precious belonging.
As the Vulcan sun was rising in the sky, the bond was vibrating with such a unique unforgettable passionate chant.
The bond…yes...the bond…this amazing Vulcan wonder, which had been staying with her, in her mind, for almost forty years.
A channel to her beloved's mind, but also to his heart and soul.
A source of immense joy, peace and contentment.
The first sensations had been overwhelming.
She could not sense anymore the Embassy private garden around her, with its tall murmuring trees, she could not sense anymore the cold great stone bench she was sitting on, or the water gently splashing in the ancient fountain, or the soft breeze dishevelling her unbound hair and brushing her cheeks, she could not even sense the air she was breathing, all she felt were Sarek's fingers tracing a path of fire through her skin, her flesh, her soul.
And, after that, an explosion of colours, faces, vibrations, flavours, sounds, voices, shapes, sensations, images, recollections, all mingled and mixed together, melting one into the other.
For an instant, it was like going into warp without control.
Like falling without hitting the ground.
Heat, yellow, soft, passion, silence, cold, spicy, warmth, smooth, water, harmony, green, rough, pain, hard, blue, peace, desert, desire, small, red, wet, huge, mountains, black, sweet, beauty, space….
It was like spinning at high speed into a tunnel, where lights, sounds, tastes and thoughts incessantly exploded, dazzled, detonated, hit and stimulated her, leaving no clarity of mind for realization or awareness.
She had no time to feel scared.
There was no fear, no time, no space, no Amanda. Only confusion and existence.
Then something begun to take form in the middle of this twirling entropy.
A white spot, no…a glow…a ghost… a lighthouse in the tempest.
Suddenly a force held her, a strong hand caught hers, her wandering ceased.
A gentle guidance took possession of her thoughts.
She was again aware, she was again Amanda.
And she eventually saw him.
No, she…sensed him.
Among a jungle of maddened chains of thoughts. Hers.
She recognized him and she didn't.
It was him and it was not.
He was the same and he was different.
He was full, he was rounded, he was a solid form with many facets.
Where she had thought him empty, he was brimming; where he had been closed, she found him open; where he had been cold, he was warm; where he had been logical, he was passionate.
And, soon after, she felt a sense of possession and oneness, she could hardly breathe.
Existing and belonging became one.
Belonging became the essence of being.
And after that, she felt acceptance and peace.
And ultimately she felt…affection.
She opened her eyes and this time she truly saw him.
They were still sitting on the stone bench.
The fountain was still splashing, the leaves were still murmuring.
His lips were still closed and his demeanour still serious as before.
But nothing was the same.
And, inside her head, he was murmuring an ancient song and was…smiling.
Love is a human emotion, Sarek had stiffly told her, at the beginning of their acquaintance, when they were still trying to understand the wideness of the gap between their own cultures.
After bonding with him, she had discovered that was an untruth.
Author's Note: Thanks to those who read, to those who reviewed and to those who story-alerted and author-alerted. Your preference greatly moved and pleased me. I might write down another chapter, if you think it would be interesting, i.e. if you are not bored:)!
I re-read this chapter several times, but I am almost sure there are some verb tenses which are inappropriate. Always waiting to find a beta-reader. Have a good time.
Ciao e grazie, belle bimbe.
