Darn, I hate technology.
As I regained consciousness, a sharp pain coursed through my hand. If I had been electrocuted, there was gonna be some serious heck to pay at the computer store. I opened my eyes.
The scariest sight I had ever seen hovered above me.
It was a pair of the most terrifyingly blue eyes ever. They were wide and vapid, and really scary.
Blonde hair hung down from the face and onto me.
I got up so fast I got whiplash.
"Who are you?" asked the girl in a fluttery voice.
"Who the in the flying Peloponnesian are you!" I said, panicking.
She had a shimmering blue dress, and on her finger was a silvery ring.
"Princess Morwenna of Lendrenor."
That blew it. I fell on the mossy floor, laughing so hard that I turned beet red. Then I realized I still had my copy of the Trilogy in my hand.
I must have a hangover. Your dreams get pretty funky after you drink. Yeah, I thought, it's just a little liquor in my system. So I got up.
That wench took one look at my jeans and tee and put her nose so high you'd think it was pulled by a puppet string.
"Ah," she said, "Will you kindly direct me to Bree, peasant?"
"Peasant! I got this outfit at Abercrombie! You look like you just stepped out of Green Acres!"
Well, not really. I just wanted to make a point.
She looked at me like I was a fresh lunatic.
"Do you know the way to Bree or not?" she asked me.
"Bree, huh? Well, if I didn't know any better I'd say I was in Middle Earth."
"You are."
Figures. I must've been dreaming. I slapped my own wrist. Ouch. Definitely not dreaming.
"Okay," I said, "I'll take you there. I'll play along."
Surprisingly, we found Bree easily. It was only a quarter of a mile off, from the edge of the "Old Forest", where I landed. Yeah, the little map in the book came in handy. So did my camping skills. (Ahem, the moss grows on the North side of the tree. Take that, Girl Scout Leader Rebecca!)
The town was small and, well, grubby. I know, you're wondering how a town can be grubby. Well, just picture it. It smells like beer and dirt, and everyone there looks like they've never set foot in a bathtub. Yuck, I am so glad I was born in the twentieth century.
"Hey," I said, "Where's the Prancing Pony?"
She pointed to the sign with the seemingly drunk horse on it.
Can't she tell sarcasm when she hears it?
Blah, the usual. Four cuddly hobbits in a booth, sipping some ale. Scary man in green hood chilling in corner, watch'n four hobbits in booth. Heeeellllloo, Viggo, here I come!
I shoved miss Mary-Sue-Who aside, heading toward Aragorn. That wench shoved me right back, her narrow cat eyes on handsome.
She turned to face me, again setting the record for the scariest face.
"Stay out of my way, or you'll regret it." Holy crap. That was scary.
"Okay, Miss Bipolar," I replied, mildly amused. Again her eyes narrowed on me. I held my palms open. "Chill," I said.
She strode over to him.
"Strider," she said, but I cut her off.
"My Lord Aragorn," I began. Hey, I'm good at this. I should ask Mrs. Mcmeans if I can try out for the play. "You are being followed. Five of the Nazgul are behind you. You must take the Halflings to Imladris immediately."
Hah! Take that poopskane! She looked daggers at me. Then again, I thought, she could just be upset because she didn't know what the heck "Imladris" was. That is the fatal flaw in Mary-Sues. They only know as much as their authors. This one looked like hers only saw the movie.
Aragorn took up his suspicious look. At least I think he did. I don't know, he was wearing a hood.
"Who are you?" he asked us.
Again, I was shoved aside.
"My Lord," she said her voice back to its bubbly, fluttery self. "I am Princess Morwenna of Lendrenor. I have been sent to aide you on your quest."
Poor, poor dear. She failed to know that the council of Elrond hadn't even gone on yet. No quest yet, sweetie. I think he knew, though.
"And you?" he asked me, cornering me with his sharp eyes.
Must make up alias before dropping in fictional realm. Remind me later. My real name: Elaina. Not too bad for fairytale-ish world. I'll keep it. Hmm. Elaina of America? Nope. Where did I like best? Let's see… Gondor, Rohan, Rivendell, Lorien, Harad, Mordor, The Shire? Elaina of Gondor. How 'bout that?
"I am … er… Elaina of Gondor."
The bastard still looked suspicious. Couldn't blame him, though. Morwenna was radiating a positively disgusting fake smile.
"How do you know my name?" he asked me.
"Telekinesis," I said, shrugging. He looked at me with a weird face. I stared blankly back. He ignored me then.
"How do you know my name?" he asked the fembot.
"I have been sent by my father, the king. We must meet the Lord Elrond. Our kingdom is in the gravest of danger."
"Is this true?" he asked me.
"Whatever floats yer boat." Again, he looked at me weirdly.
I had better get used to those looks.
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