A month passed since he had left and she received a phone call. She didn't recognize the number, but answered it anyway. Hello?
Miss Nakajima Ami. She smiled.
Shingai Kazuhiko. How are you? Are you well?
Yes. Are you ok?
I'm fine.
Good. I must go. I will call again.
Ok. The call was over so quickly, she couldn't even thank him for calling, but she would, next time. He made it so brief, that he didn't even kindly tell her to take care, he would, next time.
And so it went on, once a month, he would check in. On the 3rd month, she answered the phone.
Hello?
We should meet, he said and she smiled.
Sure. He gave her directions.
He was met with wide curious eyes. He looked just the same as when he left, grey hooded sweatshirt and all, to blend in. He was calm and his mood somber. He gave a nod and a small smile.
"I read your online news articles. You write very well, he said breaking the ice. "You look well," she nodded.
"You too." Her mind wandered as to what to say to him after all this time. Their calls never allowed for much and she didn't want to ramble on about unimportant things when all she wanted to do from the start, was get to know him and help him know himself. "Thank you for your calls, each one telling me that you were ok." She said, settling for something simple.
"You're welcome."
"And for the puppy."
"I was hoping you'd care for it they way you care for me," he said with hands stuffed in his pockets.
"I do." She started to get teary. "It was a really sweet thing to do." She smiled and dried her eyes.
"I'll tell you about myself, but I fear it will make you sad."
"Before all this happened, right before, when I had lost my memory. I had lost my only sibling, an identical twin brother. We got mixed up with some bad people. I found him on a tree branch over a cliff. I tried to reach for him but the branch broke, he fell and I, after him. His body was never found. Then you found me." Her eyes wide finally knowing the truth about his family. "I'm so sorry." She put her hand on his and squeezed it, trying to comfort him when words seemed not enough.
"They were the people hunting me. They thought I was him. They thought I was Kazuhiko. They brought that girl with them to the hospital that day to trick me. They didn't know there were two of us, both males, but with one who is a cross dresser, thus mistaken for a sister. I was that 'sister.'" She looked him up and down in wonderment at his confession.
"If you're not Kazuhiko, then, what is your name?"
"Hiromi." She smiled a little.
"That's your real name, not just, your preference for when you dress up?"
"No. It was like that since I was a child."
"Hiromi means beautiful, like you." He smiled a little and whispered,
"Thank you. But the way I acquired that name wasn't beautiful."
"I'm sorry," she quickly lowered her head and let go of his hand. I'm sorry for being trivial when you're being serious." He reached for hers and said,
"It isn't trivial." Just holding her hand gave him slightly more peace of mind. "It allows me to walk about looking unassuming and disarming."
"My father gave me that name after my dead older sister. He was mentally ill and raised me as a girl. He forced me to wear a dress and abused me. I murdered him when I was 9. My brother and I said, he was dead when we got home," he said with ease. She stared at him in shock at his litany of endless sorrows.
"I-" she began but stopped. "What about your mother?" she asked, horrified.
"She died in childbirth, from having me." She looked to him, eyes full of sorrow. She was absolutely overcome and stunned into silence. She held his hand with both of hers.
"I'm sorry," she said.
"I didn't want to make you sad. I shouldn't have told you."
"No. You telling something so private makes me feel privileged, but heartbroken. I want you to feel at ease with me, like I told you that day."
"Thank you for your kindness but I'm afraid I will only fill you with sorrow and fear. I'm damaged, irreparable and irredeemably so."
"What do you say that? Why fear?"
"Ami, when we last met, you made me relax." A ghost of a smile appeared on his lips. "Well, you vexed me but also relaxed me. At a time when I was at my lowest and most stressful, you put your head on my shoulder. You let me hold you, allowing me some semblance of comfort. I don't think it's something I can have, let alone deserve.
"What do you mean? Of course you can have it. Why do you say you don't deserve it?"
"I wasn't myself at the time, but even when I regained my memories I found myself wanting, I- I wanted it again. I'm not only a, mindless, soulless…" he drifted off.
"Why would you say such things?"
"Ami," he said, as he put a hand up slowly, "can I hold you again?" Her eyes became misty and she stepped into him and he attentively wrapped his arms around her. She leaned onto the familiar spot on his shoulder and took handfuls of the grey sweatshirt at his sides because she knew it was welcomed this time. He stayed silent as her affection and peace rushed into him. After many moments he began;
"If I had not regained my memories that day with you, I wouldn't have survived. If I had regained them and you had not got involved, my mission would have been that of suicide. You're right to assume my loneliness. You and your intense optimism and kindness. I never had a friend before. I owe my life to you and I promised we'd meet again." She went to pull away to look him in the face but he didn't loosen the embrace. "I only wish you'd have saved a life that had more a reason to live," he said as a tear ran down his face.
"Don't say that. That simply isn't true."
"You might change your mind," he spoke into the side of her neck. My experience didn't come with out side effects…"
"I know, you think you're a monster because you murdered your father but you felt trapped and you feared what would happen if he even found out that you may have told someone. And the people from the underworld would have killed you, so you had to. I understand your actions."
"That's true, but I'm not talking about that…" he alluded, but stopped.
"What do you mean then?" He choose his words carefully.
"When I sought my revenge, there were agents that stood in my way and I, choose not to kill them for it.
Even when I was locked away for my impulsiveness, locked away to tip me into uncontrolled madness. They could've shot me if they wanted to, but they choose not to. They knew part of my story, perhaps they felt…" he drifted off momentarily. "And if I should ever be compelled to tell you what happened, I didn't want it to have to be a lie, omitting those senseless killings. I wanted there to be a person that I don't lie to."
"You're not answering my questions. Why are you saying you don't deserve this? I already said I understand your reasons for taking matters into your own hands." For as much as he longed to confess everything he was to her, he knew he would disgust her. It would ruin her and sever the last threads tying him to this world.
"I went to the swing set that my brother and I used to play on…I wanted to share. I'm still…human, and, I feel far more then I'd like to," he said a few stray tears fell again. He felt her breathing change and realized she was crying. "Oh Ami," he whispered masking his own sadness. He starting to rub her back with his fingers unsure of what to do. He relaxed when he realized it was ok for them both to be sad. All that mattered was that they were sharing. Moments passed and he could feel her breathing steady again.
"I am sorry. I've burdened you enough. I never wanted to allow you this darkness, but it is me."
"It's not that that I'm not appreciative for what you've already shared with me," she started, "but why would I fear you? Why are you saying those terrible things? What side effects? I want to understand." He finally pulled away just enough to smooth her hair and place his hands on both sides of her face.
"Can I honor my brother by having a couple secrets that only him and I share?" She nodded.
"Of course," she said with tears in her eyes. He brought her close and buried one of his hands in her hair, looked up at the sky, sighed and closed his eyes.
"You cannot imagine the hurricane I was in at that time," he started after a while. "And I was part of it. You fought for me and I needed you to. As much as I pretended I needed no one. Your conviction was so strong and…I wanted to let you in, even though it's dark."
"See? That's a good thing. You're becoming trusting and opening up."
"No, it's selfish. It's selfish. I confess these things to you at risk of dragging you down with me."
"Do you not know what friendship is?"
"It's not a luxury I've been able to afford."
"Friends carry each other through hard times. They help in healing."
"There's no healing for me. I was damned since I was a child."
"Then why are you here? You could've just disappeared after the rampage you went on, but instead you choose to share yourself and a rooftop with some girl who you barely know."
"You're not just some girl." He whispered. He allowed her to pull away some.
"See? I saw you healed here" she put her hands on his face where the bandages used to be. "I want to see you healing here," she put her hands over his heart. He started to shake his head.
"It's black. It's black. Trust me. I'm 2 different people with you. The one you know and the one you don't." He said growing louder and taking her upper arms in a death grip as he spoke. "Because if you did, you'd rue the day you ever met me. I don't know how I ever thought that I could have even this much. It's a tortuous reminder of what I'll never have. All I have is a wretched existence and it's permanent," he said with tears in his eyes. "I would disgust you. Trust me. Trust me!" He noticed her wincing, causing him to take her shirt in the same desperate grip instead. He took a few breaths and calmed himself. "Trust me," he whispered.
She was astonished and shaken at his sudden heated, desperate reaction and she avoided his eyes. For the first time she looked like her faith in him had been shaken and that actually scared him more then anything. For moments they just stared at each other, him not letting go, if she didn't pull away first.
"Hiromi…" she said softly. He let go of the breath he had been holding, relieved that she had used his name, somehow talking that as a sign that she wasn't completely disgusted and discouraged by his outburst.
"Ami…" he said longingly. She looked at him and said,
"If you can't see a bright side, I'll sit with you in the dark." He was overwhelmed that he wasn't met with anger or fear or her just walking away.
"Oh Ami." He threaded his fingers through her hair and brought her forehead to his chin. Her mind finally reeling as to what kind of a monster he alluded to. There was impulsiveness, not wanting to lie and omit the senseless killings of the agents if they had occurred and his involvement with the criminal underworld.
He finally pulled away slightly and put both hands in her hair.
"I can't stay in Tokyo." he said, pulling her from her thoughts.
"Where will you go?" she asked concerned.
"I'm not sure yet."
"I could come with you or meet you there." He smiled.
"You never cease to surprise me. That's something that needs more then a rash decision. How could you even consider that?"
"You shouldn't be alone."
"It's what I am."
"You had a brother who loved you and looked after you. You aren't meant to be alone."
"I will always be watching my back. That's not a good life for you."
"I have to make sure you don't…hurt yourself." He placed her head under his chin. He waited a few moments and cleared his throat.
"I will make my best effort to live, ok?"
"Promise me that you will contact me somehow. Leave comments on my news articles." She smiled some. He pulled away just to look her.
"Promise me that you won't worry your life away because of me."
"Don't say that. You say that like I won't hear from you again." He parted with her reluctantly. He thought about reassuring her but he didn't want to make a promise he wasn't sure he could keep. She had a death grip on the bottom of his sweatshirt. "You told me you were glad I didn't let go, that you didn't want me to. Give me some kind of plan. Please. I don't want you to just disappear." Like a moth to flame, he couldn't stay parted with her for long before his hands slid to her shoulders and his fingers played at the back of her neck. His face inches from hers.
"I would tell you if I knew. I'm not sure of my resources or where I'll find stability. Also, there is hollowness burning a hole in me from the inside out, till there is nothing left but embers. I'm grateful you helped me regain myself to do what had to be done. That was my purpose for surviving, if I had one. I guess that makes you my angel then, for guiding. No matter what happens to me, please be at peace with that, being my angel." She honestly understood, but wanted to change his mind so badly.
"I understand," she said with her gaze down cast. He used his thumbs to push her chin up to look him in the eyes.
"Are you sure you understand?" he asked.
"I understand, Hiromi. I'm sure."
He discreetly followed her home to make sure she got there safe. From a rooftop he watched her disappear from sight and suddenly felt as alone as ever. He closed his eyes and weighted his options again.
