Chapter 2 : Solche hergelaufne Laffen
Your tricks, your wiles,
your schemes, your guiles,
all are known to me.
You'll have to get up early
to get the better of me;
for I know what's what.
It sure was taking a long time for Gorobei to get to their eating spot. Heihachi hadn't seen the man all day, which was not unusual given their very different assignments, but he still couldn't help but worry. Maybe something had happened to the man? Nah. If that were true, he would have heard about it a long time ago or at least while he was getting his dinner.
After sitting in the same spot for a half hour, food gone and the night's cold starting to set in, Heihachi was getting ready to leave. It wasn't like Gorobei to keep him waiting. Well, maybe it was. Maybe Gorobei had just been trying to confuse Heihachi with all the times he had arrived on time, only to catch him by surprise when he arrived late. For all Heihachi knew, Gorobei could be sitting in the bushes right now, watching him and taking bets on how long it would take Heihachi to leave.
Well, fine then! Heihachi was nobody's fool! If Gorobei was going to be an ass and make him-
"Heihachi." The sudden voice startled Heihachi, who had been standing with a determined look on his face, into letting out an undignified "eep" and turning around so quick he almost fell back to the ground.
Had it actually been Gorobei who had snuck up on Heihachi, it probably wouldn't have been so surprising. But, no, it had to be Kambei. Why was Kambei out here anyway?
"Oh, hey, Kambei." Heihachi tried to keep his voice light and airy, but it didn't do much to camouflage the awkwardness he currently felt. "Fancy meeting you out here. Need something?"
Kambei gave Heihachi a discerning look before answering. "Gorobei wanted me to tell you that he wouldn't be able to make it tonight. He wanted to make sure you still weren't waiting for him."
Still? That bastard. He had planned this all, for months and months. "So, where is he?"
"Working." Kambei answered that a little too quickly, almost as if he knew what Heihachi was going to ask next. Heihachi grew suspicious.
"Working? Really? After he's always complaining about how tired he gets after--"
"He took his rest period this morning. He volunteered for the night shift." That was answered too quickly. Kambei had interrupted him, which was very out-of-character for the quiet, polite samurai. Heihachi's suspicion grew.
It actually mad sense when Heihachi began to put the pieces together. Gorobei was late, Kambei was here answering his questions as quickly as Gorobei usually did during their little "chats," and there was now the chance that they were somehow working together. Heihachi had been waiting all week for Gorobei to get back at him for winning their last conversation. He never considered that he would get Kambei in on it, but Heihachi wasn't about to take any chances.
Sure, it sounded crazy. There was no other explanation, though, besides that Heihachi might be acting a bit paranoid, but that couldn't be right.
Kambei must have noticed the distrust in Heihachi's eye, for he answered, "Gorobei asked that I keep you company. He mentioned something about the intelligent, companionable conversations you two usually have."
There was another awkward pause as Heihachi considered what the hell to do in this situation. "He did, did he?" Was Kambei referring to their perverted chats brimming with sexual innuendo? Would Gorobei really send Kambei to fill in for him during one of those said chats?
There was no way Heihachi was going to do it. It was…wrong.
It wasn't that Heihachi didn't want to be around Kambei. There were few people in this world that could ever compete for the amount of respect Heihachi had for Kambei. There was no one you could trust more or who was more competent with a blade. The man was everything every other samurai strove to be. You would be hard-up to find any flaws to describe Kambei Shimada.
That didn't mean that Heihachi was about to start chatting with Kambei about the beauty of multiple sex partners or the other odd topics he and Gorobei would discuss. Heihachi shivered a bit at the thought. Would Gorobei ever ask Kambei to chat about those kinds of things? If he did, would Kambei ever agree to it?
Yes. Probably. Gorobei could be very convincing.
Noticing the long, unusual silence stemming from the younger samurai, Kambei spoke up to fill the gap. "It's getting late, Heihachi. If you don't want to converse with me out here, then perhaps we should make our way back to the village."
Whatever Kambei had been saying was lost on Heihachi. Instead, his mind was somewhere along the lines of: Of course. That bastard really did expect me to talk with Kambei about sex.
Sex talks were weird enough with children - which Heihachi had dealt with a few times due to his curious younger siblings - but talking about sex with Kambei...It was like talking to your parents about sex, which, in many ways, was a lot worse than trying to explain it to an open-minded eight-year-old.
Something in the bushes rustled, shocking Heihachi back to attention.
Rustling in the bushes?
Of course!
Gorobei was listening to this conversation. There was no way Gorobei was going to set Heihachi up to flounder about without seeing it for himself. If that was the way it was going to be, maybe Heihachi would give in.
If he didn't, Gorobei would claim this as a win. That couldn't happen.
Pulled out of his thoughts by Kambei clearing his throat, Heihachi realized that Kambei was offering him an arm in order to help him up. The hand had been in front of his face for a long period of time, so the confused expression on Kambei's face was understandable.
"I can stay out on my own. I'm a great samurai like you, you know. Can take care of myself!" Heihachi laughed a bit, feeling the urge to elbow Kambei in the side, but managing to restrain himself. Kambei was a great guy, but one did not rough house with Kambei.
"What are some traits you might find in a great samurai?" Kambei asked seriously.
Was this a test? Or was this part of Gorobei's perverted plan? Heihachi decided to keep it innocent. "Uh, well, I suppose that a samurai is level-headed, never jumps into things without thinking, and never relies on others to do the work for him. Oh, and of course a true samurai never falls in love, right Kambei?" That last bit was meant to be a joke, but Kambei's face showed that he took that point especially seriously.
"That's a good point," Kambei said gravely. "I have seen many samurai fall to the dangers of love."
Heihachi's face fell. That was depressing. Still, Heihachi didn't feel like it was his place to argue with Kambei, of all people. "Yeah, I suppose I have too." There was nothing wrong with falling in love, right?
Kambei looked sternly at Heihachi, as if he realized that the man didn't completely agree with his words. "I think it is even more important to keep yourself pure from any and all sexual relations with those you are protecting."
And with that, Heihachi felt his brain break in about a million different places. What did that have to do with anything? Did Kambei suspect Heihachi of having a tryst with one of the locals? Was he teasing him? It was like hearing Gorobei's loud, boisterous and usually obnoxious words coming out of their solemn leader's mouth. All he could do was stare, trying not to look at Kambei for fear that he might have a stroke.
He had been unsure before, but now it was obvious. Gorobei really had set him up. Unless he had heard Kambei wrong? Better ask just in case. "Uh, what did you--"
"I'm sure I have many illegitimate children, born to a mother who fell in love with a traveling samurai."
Oh, hell no.
It wouldn't be so hard to take if it actually sounded like the man was kidding. With the way Gorobei teased him, he had become used to hearing the high lilt in the samurai's voice that usually accompanied something perverted. But no, not Kambei. He would be one to talk about sex like he was reciting from some ancient samurai texts. Gorobei was going to pay for this.
There was a bit of movement from the bushes--probably Gorobei trying to hold in his laughter. Heihachi managed to gain back a bit of his dignity at the thought of Gorobei besting him in something. It simply did not happen. Heihachi was now set on winning, and his resolve was usually quite strong.
"What a coincidence! Gorobei's been talking about the same thing a lot lately!" Heihachi chirped happily. It took every last fiber of his being to keep the smile on his face when Kambei sent him a confused look. It seemed Gorobei hadn't prepared Kambei for Heihachi actually joining in.
Gorobei just didn't give Heihachi enough credit. It would be his downfall.
Kambei was trying to save himself, but it was too late. "That's--"
"He's always concerned about the eyes all the village girls are giving me. I think he's jealous." Heihachi chortled a bit at this. "He's so old and worried about breaking someone's heart. Well, I am too, but, you know...
"...what do you think about sexual relations with your own comrades, Kambei?" Heihachi wasn't exactly sure what possessed him to ask that, but the look on Kambei's face was worth whatever embarrassment it might later bring him.
After a few moments of consideration, Kambei was finally able to answer the question. "I suppose there are times when it is appropriate. Comrades die often, Heihachi. You need a strong heart to last through the death of a comrade, even more so if that comrade was your lover." Kambei was taking this so seriously that it almost pained Heihachi to continue.
"You wouldn't object, then?" Heihachi flashed Kambei a look.
Kambei stared. He recognized that look. He had seen that look many times on the face of a pretty young but infatuated girl or even on the face of one of his comrades after one of his many heroic saves. On Heihachi, it looked out of place.
"I've been bored, Kambei," Heihachi swooned, pouting out his lower lip. The rustling in the bushes increased, but Gorobei did not bother to reveal himself. "How about you, Kambei? Have you been bored?"
Kambei didn't answer that question. He was unsure how to go about doing that.
Heihachi was polite. He would clear up any confusion Kambei might have. He would do that by slinking closer to Kambei, so that their shoulders were touching. Heihachi leaned his head on Kambei's shoulder. The rustling continued. Heihachi would win this. Gorobei would reveal himself and have to declare Heihachi the master over all.
"Heihachi."
Heihachi "hmm-ed" in response.
"I do not think this is appropriate. Comrades may be lovers, but it is unwise for a man to entertain the idea of having more than one--"
Heihachi let out a small whine. "Don't be like that, Kambei. I'm sure that you've had plenty of times with Kyuuzo, or at least Katsushiro--"
"I WOULD NEVER DO SOMETHING SO DISHONORABLE WITH SENSEI!"
The rustling in the bushes had stopped. Standing behind them, instead of a perturbed Gorobei, was a very flustered Katsushiro.
Heihachi felt like someone had just punched him in the gut.
He wasn't able to talk, move, or even blink as Kambei slowly stood up, sending Heihachi the most concerned look he had ever seen the man give. "Perhaps you've been working too hard. You'll have the day off tomorrow to get some rest." After a moment of silence, Kambei motioned towards the sky and muttered under his breath, "And next time, find someone else to use for stirring up Gorobei's jealousy."
Kambei put an arm on Katsushiro's shoulder, trying to pull the boy away from the scene. Katsushiro was fuming from the gigantic hit his pride had taken. Still, he was able to finally turn around and follow Kambei out of the clearing.
Heihachi continued to gape a few minutes after they had both left.
Then, suddenly, when the extent of what had happened had finally hit him, he fell onto his back, letting out a loud, long groan. From this position, he was able to catch sight of something large sitting in the tree above him. Heihachi let out another groan.
Realizing he had been spotted, Gorobei left his perch in the tree, landing next to Heihachi rather gracefully. He stood there for a few moments, smoking whatever pipe he had tricked some villager into whittling for him.
"Okay. You win." Heihachi just wanted to get this over with.
"Of course I win, but to what extent? Let's summarize, shall we? You just hit on our great leader, accused him of sleeping with his pupil, and now he thinks that you and I are having some sort of lover's tiff and you were trying to make me jealous with that little show you put on. Did I miss anything?"
"I thought it was part of one of your stupid jokes!" Heihachi did his best to sound horrified, but the smile on his face refused to leave, making it impossible for him to be convincing.
"Gorobei: 1. Heihachi: 1."
"What are you keeping track of? You didn't do anything! You just watched."
Gorobei raised an eyebrow, smirking one of those horrible evil smirks that he enjoyed using so much. "Oh, didn't I?"
"...There's no way you'll ever get me to believe that you planned all this."
"Gorobei: 2. Heihachi: 1."
"STOP THAT!"
Slow as ever, but there you have it. Thanks to those of you who were still waiting to read. I apologize for the wait.
- Mayo
