Renesmee
Yes, so, as I was being very modest about myself, I began to detect the sound of Auntie Alice and Auntie Rosalie approaching the cottage.
"Renesmee!" I heard Alice's tinkly voice, like sleigh bells. Of course, it didn't quite sound as good as mine, but still. I thought about grinding my teeth in response to the name she had called me, but then I remembered that grinding teeth was so incredibly unattractive.
"Well, Auntie Alice...I sort of changed my name to Mary Sue. Because I think I suits me better. I don't know why, but it just...does."
"Yes," replied Alice, "I know exactly what you mean. Anyway, Rose and I have come to take you shopping. Then, we'll take you to the ice rink so you can practice for the National Ice Skating competition coming up, then we're going to the bookshop, because you've read all the twenty books that we bought for you last week. After that, we might go to the leisure centre for some trampolining and diving practice. Then, if we've got time, we'll go and have a coffee. OK?"
I smiled at the thought of doing just a few of my favourite hobbies, the perfect white brilliance of my teeth making Alice and Rosalie look dull and boring in comparison. "OK! Let's go!"
As I walked through the shops, I couldn't help noticing the admiring glances I was getting from most of the boys, and the jealous glances I was getting from all the girls. Well. It was only natural that they would be jealous. As for the boys, they didn't have a hope in hell. I already had the most perfect partner in the world. Well, actually, I think Jacob has the most perfect partner in the world, but let's not be pedantic.
"Hey, Ren- I mean Mary Sue, how do you like this dress?" Auntie Rose asked me. It was short and hot pink, with ruffles and a low neckline. I could immediately see myself in it, looking great, as usual.
"I'll go and try it on," I smiled at her, "even though I know it'll be fantastic."
As I walked to the opulently-furnished changing rooms, I noticed two girls staring at me. They were very plain-looking (although, perhaps I'm just a little bit biased) and they were staring at me in...horror? How odd. And totally inappropriate, anyway.
Mary
The most stupid decision of my life was taking Art for GCSE. I mean, the amount of work involved was ridiculous. And then came the major annoyance. Halfway through our first year of the course, our teacher, the dippy Miss Drew, insisted that the Art students had a trip all the way to Seattle. Now you might be thinking that school trips are fun, and that a week in a foreign city would be a fun and interesting experience, but no. Not this one. Because our task was to find some inspirational clothing (what?!) and take pictures of it.
So that's how I ended up in one of the strangest and most alien places I had ever been in my life – an extremely upmarket clothes shop – with my best friend Sue.
So far, my camera had all of two pictures on it - and both were from when Sue fell over, bringing a whole rack of expensive dresses down with her.
I mean, seriously, this shop had to be the most expensive clothes store on the planet, let alone in the shopping centre. All the clothes were extortionately priced – pair of socks for $20 anyone? - and we, two schoolgirls, couldn't have stood out more.
"Hey, Mary! Come see this dress! It's absolutely horrible!"
Sue was obviously having the time of her life, surrounded by clothes that she was laughing at and prancing around with.
"Er, Sue?" I hissed. "We came here, yeah? Now can we g..." I tailed off as I realised that a stunningly beautiful teenage girl was walking towards us, holding a pink dress (which was pretty nasty, by the way). After reading Twilight, I promised to myself I would never spend pointless paragraphs describing someone's fantastically good looks using fantastically soppy words, but this girl was... Well, let's just say she was turning heads.
"Who the hell is that?" Sue wondered. Then she sniggered. "Nice dress," she said sarcastically.
I laughed. It was kind of hideous.
"I think I heard one of them," she indicated in the direction of two other women, "calling her Mary Sue. They probably have no idea how ironic that is."
This is probably a good time to point out that yes, our names are Mary and Sue, and yes, the combination of our names into a literary phenomenon with which we would rather not be associated is frequently irritating for both of us.
Unfortunately, Sue suddenly decided that she wanted to go and see a dress suspiciously near to where the two beautiful, pale-skinned women were standing. Unwillingly, I followed.
"...Yes, Rose, but she's so gorgeous, don't you think?" the dark-haired one was saying to the blonde one.
Blonde-haired...? Rose...? Pale skin? Looking at Sue, I saw horror flit across her face and I realised that she was coming to the same conclusions as I had.
Was it possible? Were these people the supposedly fictional Cullens?
The mysterious girl arrived then, trilling, "Auntie Alice, Auntie Rose, I want this one!"
"Of course, Renesmee dearest," Rose replied (oh my god, it was true) bestowing a glowing smile on the girl who I was beginning to like less and less. She pouted like a spoilt brat.
"Auntie Rose, I don't want to be called Renesmee any more, remember? My name is Mary Sue now."
Sue and I looked at each other, not sure whether to feel horrified at the existence of the Cullens or hysterically amused at the bizarreness of the situation, before choosing the latter option and bursting into laughter. How appropriate was a name like Mary Sue for a person like Renesmee?
Renesmee
Those two annoying schoolgirls caught up with me as we left the store. "Hey, excuse me? Is your name Mary Sue?" The dark-haired one sniggered.
"Yes..." I replied cautiously, "Do I know you?"
They grinned at each other. Then the blonde one said, "Actually, it's more of a case of do we know you. Have you ever heard of someone called Stephenie Meyer?"
I froze. They knew my secret.
Yes, this is a faintly (OK, extremely) ridiculous plotline.
Yes, everyone is way OOC. (That's the idea, remember? It's my attempt at the whole parody thing.)
Yes, I am British, so the characters are British and therefore have British education systems...
Yes, I just created two horrifyingly awful characters based on me and my friend, something which I promised myself I would never do.
Any more questions? Or would you like to just let me wallow in a pit of self-hate and despair?
