Wish You Were Here

Chapter Two

With few options and no idea where in the world she was, Danny wrote to Mary constantly.

The return home and the weeks that followed were difficult ones for him. He was preoccupied by all that had happened with his trip. He had gone seeking closure for his relationship with one of the most important people in his life and managed to stir up even more unresolved issues than he had left with. What she had said still stung. He could understand the place where it came from. He even agreed with some of it. Most of it actually. But not all of it and he wanted the chance to convince her otherwise. He wasn't about to let her have the last word.

Most of the people close to him thought he was simply mourning his long lost friend. That was still true, he supposed. Mary really was dead to him in most of the ways that mattered in the real world. But not in the important ways. Still, he didn't tell anyone about what he had discovered at her grave site and never would, not even Mike and Sam. It was the very least he could do to keep her secret. And, truthfully, he liked having her all to himself, even if it looked like he was never going to lay eyes on her again.

"I'd like to think that things are better than they've been in a long time. Actually, I know that they are. You're alive and healthy and hopefully happy. Or at least as close to happy as you can get given everything you've been through. And you left a window open just large enough for me to pry my way into. Sure, you didn't know that you were actually leaving it open but I appreciate it all the same. You could have completely shut me out or run away without a trace, but you chose to let me in at least a little bit and that means the world to me. I won't waste this, I promise."

He would sometimes sit and stare for long minutes at the piece of paper she had given him with her Caribbean address, or rather Shana Castillo's address. Her neat script was another part of her that had changed. But he had watched her write the words down so he knew that it was the only piece of the new her he had to hold onto. While he had heard every word she said to him that morning, he just couldn't let it go. He couldn't let her go.

"Will you at least let me guess where in the world Shana is? Can I get a prize if I guess right? Sure that would defeat the purpose of sending these things through this address but we've gotta liven things up somehow. You can't blame a guy for trying to get to know a pretty lady a little better. I hope I haven't scared you off and that I hear from you soon. You're like those damn dark chocolate truffles that I can never stop stuffing my face with. Or chocolate chip cookies. You know how much I love chocolate chip cookies, especially yours. The point is that once I've got it in my head that I want it, I can be a bit bratty until I get it. But you know this already. Some things never change."

He kept replaying all of their past history in his mind, some eliciting love and happiness while others broke his heart all over again. He remembered her holding his hand during his mother's funeral and the regret over the absence of that welcome comfort when he buried his father. That had been his own fault. He remembered the feel of her naked skin against his after they made love as well as the feeling of her palm making contact with his cheek in anger, betrayal and hurt. He had forgotten the sound of her voice by the time he had run into her in Switzerland. Now he longed to be enveloped in the sound of her joking with him, inspiring him with words of love and encouragement or revealing her innermost thoughts and dreams. Hell, he'd even take her yelling at him.

"But look at me, rambling on. Never thought I was much of a letter writer but I guess you learn something new about yourself all the time. I included some recent pictures of Lillian since you said you hadn't seen her in a while. Doesn't she look like trouble? The best kind of trouble though. Everyone here is doing well."

At least you're getting these ramblings -- or at least I think you are since they haven't come back to me. That really does make me feel better. It let's me know that you're out there somewhere. Hopefully, you're living life and having fun. Hopefully you're safe and loved. Hopefully, you're missing me like I'm missing you. So I guess, the selfish part of me is hoping you're not getting loved too much if you know what I mean. Besides, no one can love you as much as I do. I know, I know. That sounds creepy but after everything we've been through, I can't help but think it's true. And here we are, years later still loving each other. I know you don't quite believe me on that one but maybe you'll come around one of these days."

He wouldn't try to dig up her location. That didn't seem safe for her and it would piss her off royally if she ever found out. But he'd be damned if he did nothing. He dreamed of a day when he could see and hold her again, even if it was just as good friends.

So that's how it had started. He sat down and actually wrote out a letter telling her all this -- how he was feeling, what he wanted for her and for him. While the timing was sometimes sporadic for when he sent his correspondence, he always kept at it. Over time, it became a comfort for him even with her not responding. It made him feel like he was in some way a part of her life. He told her about everything that was going on with work and Lilly and with the people with whom she had once been friends and family. He sent her pictures and magazines and little things that he thought she'd like. It came easier than talking to her face to face, surprisingly. But as the months wore on with no response from her, he was becoming resigned to the fact that he would have to settle for this one-sided relationship.

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She didn't know what to think at this point. She figured that the correspondence would die down after a while, after it was clear that she wasn't going to respond. It was pointless to entertain the notion that they could be what they once were to each other. She honestly believed it was best for them to sever ties. He would eventually realize that too after he got over whatever residual issues he was struggling with.

But it was so hard not to reach out to him as he revealed himself through the words he shared with her on paper. She longed to laugh with him about something cute Lilly had done or scold him for doing something too dangerous on the job. She wanted to chat about how their friends were doing and where Ed was vacationing with Jillian at the moment. Most of all she wanted to share with him her new life, not that it was all that exciting. Actually, it was pretty quiet. She had settled nicely in Costa Rica in the town of Playa Jaco. Sure it wasn't the bright lights, big city of Vegas but it was home for her now. She went to work everyday with the national tourism office since she couldn't deny her knack for hospitality. She fixed up her house on the beach and probably drank alone a little too much.

And she surfed. She surfed a lot. It started out as a one time thing from a beach bum trying to put the moves on her and it turned into a passion that she pursued almost every day. It relaxed her and took her mind off of all the things she worried about on a daily basis. She was sure Danny would be surprised by that but he'd get a kick out of it no doubt.

She had to stop thinking like that though. Danny was out of her life for good, even if he hadn't faced it yet. She wasn't immune to his constant letters and pleas to give their friendship another chance. She just couldn't go down that road again with him. It was too hard and with her legal troubles, the stakes were way too high. A relationship just couldn't work with her living half-way across the world from him with her never, ever to return to the States. No one could even know that "Mary Connell" was still alive. And he certainly couldn't give up his job and his daughter, his world, to be with her. He hadn't said that but she knew it to be true and had no desire to face the reality of it.

She loved him, had loved him since they were children. But he had a power over her like no other. No matter that he had saved her and befriended her, that he had loved her in his own way even though he broke her heart time and time again. She could never be just friends with him. Not after having a taste of what could have been between them. And he had a new life, full of everything that she wasn't about anymore.

For Shana Castillo, there was no Delinda or Lilly, as much as she loved her namesake that brought so much joy to Danny. There were no years of abuse, no heartbreak, no rejection or being taken for granted. There was none of the loneliness of never having a real family besides Danny and his father.

There would never be any of those things because she would not let them back into her life. Those things had cost her too much. She wanted to focus on the future and whatever she could possibly have as who she was now.

She didn't know how he could have so much faith in them. She hated to hear the sadness in his words. But he needed to face the hard truth that there was nothing in the present or future for them. She was too scared to let him back in her life and he should be too. Just like always, she had to be the strong one for both of them.

Still, she didn't have the courage to cut off his correspondence. She couldn't be the one to put that knife through his heart. It made her feel awful knowing the perverse pleasure she took in hearing from him and knowing that she should tell him once and for all that enough was enough. Maybe it made her a coward or cruel but she didn't have it in her. She told herself it was better that he figured out on his own that they were never going to be.

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After months of not hearing from her, Danny was a bit discouraged. Contacting Mary was almost an obsession but if there was any hope at all for them, he wasn't going to be the first one to give it up. She might be trying to get him out of her system but he was going to make it hard for her to ignore him. He was never good at hiding his emotions from her whether it was his stress, his happiness or his pride. Whatever he was going through was reflected in his correspondence and as of late, he was angry and sad and feeling a little desperate.

"Do you recognize that sound? It's that weird spot on the bluff where the wind makes that terrible noise. I remember the first time we came out here when we were 12 and you jumped so high when you heard it. Of course, you wouldn't admit that you were scared but we both knew what was going on. Gosh, we used to sit here for hours and play and talk and just be together.

It's probably a little strange that you're actually hearing me babble on and on. It looks like I'm talking to my damn self I'm sure. But I've been missing your voice and thought maybe you could be missing mine too. I've been thinking about you all the time. You're everywhere here. Every time I turn around, I see something that reminds me of you and I want to share it. I know you've moved on from Vegas but I can at least bring the good parts to you."

"This is me fighting for you, can't you see that? What you said back in Switzerland hit me like a ton of bricks. It had been a long time since I felt as alive as I did for those few hours with you in that hotel room. When I think of you, I'm not scared, I'm not trying to use you, I'm not running from anything; not this time. Can you blame me for wanting to hold onto that?"

"I had a long talk with Mike about letting you go. He caught me making a message for you and thinks I'm having 'closure issues.' He's half right at least. The problem is that I don't want the door to close on us. I'm putting my foot in that door and I'm not backing down. I'm going to wait and hope and beg if I have to and maybe if I'm patient enough, you'll get tired of me harassing you and you'll open the door again.

"I know what I want. And you know it too. I felt that when I kissed you. I even felt it when we argued because it wasn't just about me. You were trying with everything you had to convince both of us that day. I need your friendship. Anything else is more than I can hope for right now.

"I don't know why you won't answer me after I pour my heart out to you month after month, letter after letter. I know you and you're not cruel and I know you're not trying to punish me. I choose to believe that you're reading this and I'm hanging on because you haven't told me to leave you alone. I know in my heart that there is always another chance for us. If you're so damned convinced that we should be apart then why don't you just put me out of my misery?"

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Danny walked through the casino thinking that the end of his day couldn't come any sooner. Even on a good day, running the ship was stressful. However, today was one of those days that had him wishing he had stayed in bed until the following morning. Between the scheduling problems, potential scams and security issues, he had run all over the property twice over, putting out fires and calming down angry patrons. When he got home, he wanted to take a hot shower, settle in with a beer and curse the day until sleep took over.

But that wasn't going to happen of course because Lilly was scheduled to spend the month with him and he had to get his condo ready for her. That meant hiding all of his toys, like the PlayStation and the booze, and making way for hers.

Finally Danny headed for his office where he could get rid of some paperwork before heading off to a meeting with several department heads. He'd sew that up and then head out to gather food and supplies to get his house in order. Then he'd call Delinda in L.A. to confirm their plans and if he was lucky, the conversation would be short and drama-free so he could at least enjoy that beer before turning in.

As he walked into the surveillance room, Mike waved at him from his spot in front of the monitors and Mitch looked up briefly before returning his attention back to whatever he and Mike were working on. He headed to his desk with a reminder from his assistant of his schedule for the rest of the day. He could see the stack of files on his desk waiting for his review as well as his mail and his cup of coffee from that morning. He wasn't looking forward to sitting down and dealing with the drudgery of the job but the sooner he faced it, the sooner he'd be done. He liked to think that after the morning he'd had, nothing else could go wrong. He didn't think he could take anymore bad news. But why tempt fate by even entertaining such a thought?

Since he knew the paperwork the files contained he turned to his mail. Luckily it was the usual stuff: solicitations, requisitions and various requests needing his attention. But there was also, surprisingly, a multicolored postcard with his name and address typed in neat letters. He picked it up wondering if it was junk since no one that he knew was on vacation or had been recently. It couldn't be junk mail though because his assistant would have thrown it out. Maybe it was from Delinda, a taunting reminder of a last minute weekend getaway. It would be just like the kind of hint she'd drop to get him to put work on hold for a while and take a vacation.

The postcard was standard size and had a picture of a beach and some tanned surfers in the background catching a wave. He had to admit that the scene looked inviting with the bright sun and clear water, not to mention the bikini-clad girls on the beach watching the boys in action. The words, "Wish you were here!" were scrawled in pretty cursive letters across the bottom.

On the face of the postcard, along with his name and address, was a short, typed message that made his face go pale and his hands tremble slightly.

He couldn't think. He couldn't breathe. He felt a little nauseous as he read and re-read the words that made his heart drop down to his toes.

"Your foot must be getting tired holding that door open. I guess I can give a little. It gets lonely at the beach and I could use some good company." He turned the card over to find that the scene was from some place called Playa Jaco in Costa Rica with the postage stamped the same.

He stared at the picture and examined the card from every possible angle. He could feel his hope rising but he was scared. Was this really from her? Did she really want to see him? Was she ready? Was he ready? The postcard was unsigned but Danny had to put his faith in the tempting, enigmatic message. If she was indeed opening the door then there was nothing else he could do but run through it.

His assistant walked in at that moment with a new cup of coffee for him and was surprised to see his boss in what appeared to be a state of bewilderment. That was new.

"Mr. McCoy, are you alright?" he asked.

Danny's head snapped up, unaware that someone had come into the room. He dropped the postcard and gathered up the files, placing the card back on top.

"Uh, yeah. Could you cancel my meetings this afternoon? I need to run." And after grabbing his things, including his new message, he was out the door before he could even respond. "Mike, you're in charge. I've gotta take care of something."

Mike looked up at the blur that was his best friend and boss. "What? Today? But I --." However, Danny was gone out the door.

He had important plans to make.