Dear Losers,

You are truly grating at my nerves. I am drunk again – wouldn't you be if you just read the puerile dung that I have? I can see I'm just not getting through to you.

I never took out a student loan. I went to uni when John Howard was the bloody prime minister, and he made HECS. Yes, stupid, HECS. Learn it, know it, live it! What are HECS? You're too lazy to google it? Fine. HECS means the fucking government paid for my education. When I earn enough, I start paying the fucking government back. Get it? I'm earning enough now, so I'm paying back my HECS fees. Student loan… fucking idiots.

It seems to me that I injured some egos the last time round. Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're too fucking lazy to do any research, and I'm sorry you're getting all offended when here I am doing it for you. I've had a fucking bitch of a day at work; I spend all fucking day fixing people who are often too bloody thick to tell us they've been using needles a friend gave them or some shit; I don't want to come home and deal with this. But while I'm at it, I've never had turkey dinner at home with my family as a kid; I never gave a rat's ass about Thanksgiving. Why the fuck should I care if a bunch of religious pansies came to a country I'd never been to until I was grown? The truth is, I and every other Australian just don't give a shit.

We don't fucking celebrate the fourth of July either. Well congratu-fucking-lations, some old guys made some document that had no effect on me whatsoever. You idiot, it's called the fucking Declaration of Independence, for Christ's sake! Independence, meaning it's for the fucking USA and the rest of the word can get fucked! In case you were wondering, which I am sure you weren't, Australia Day is on the fucking twenty sixth of January. But we never really celebrated that much either. Only the fucking politicians. We never wanted to be the America of the Pacific. We're not so fucking nationalistic like you.

And I don't worship Vegemite. Sure, it's rather enjoyable if you load it with butter and put on the tiniest smear imaginable, but I can really live without it. I enjoy Vegemite's other purposes: masquerading as Nutella to make Foreman puke.

You know I never imagined I'd have to convince anyone other than House that I'm not British, particularly not people who seem to just love taking my life to fucking pieces and watching me every night, analyzing my every move. I don't fucking drink tea religiously, okay? Get it? I really fucking hope so, because I'm not fucking British and I fucking love my caffeine hit to come from a real source: coffee. On top of that, some of you morons seem to think I say football instead of soccer. Jesus, you think I talk American in every fucking instance where it's fucking wrong, but when we get to a part of the fucking language where I do speak American you go and change it! My country already has three footballs: AFL, Rugby League and Rugby Union. They're all fucking football, or footy. Soccer is fucking soccer, get it?

We don't all talk like fucking bogans. I couldn't fucking believe it when I read what some dipshits were making me say. Have you never heard me fucking speak? In case you hadn't fucking noticed, normal people can understand me just fucking fine. I don't need a fucking Australian-American translator. I don't add a fucking "azza" to the end of everybody's fucking name. That's fucking stupid. "Housazza… Foreazza… Thirazza" – I don't even know why the fuck you thought of this; I can't even fucking translate that shit!

Oh, and another thing – I wasn't a fucking celebrity growing up because I had a successful doctor for a dad. My dad was never famous. Being well respected in your profession and being "famous" are two very different things, and Australians aren't so fucking celebrity starved that they need to turn a rheumatologist into a celebrity. I'm fucking off my tits drunk, so I'll admit it, doctors are fucking geeks. No one remotely cool gives a shit about us until they start keeling over. We have plenty of fucking celebrities. Try Rove. Shane Warne. Hamish and Andy. The Chaser. Hell, try Miranda Kerr; my father was never a fucking famous guy, and neither was I!

Let me give you a little grammar lesson here. You only need one fucking preposition in a fucking sentence. So you don't fucking say "I got off of the motorbike". You fucking say "I got off the motorbike". Drill it into your fucking skulls, even your American news programs fuck it up; there's no fucking need for the "of".

Alright, I know I'm a Catholic, but Jesus fucking Christ you're all getting on my nerves. I never went Trick or Treating; Halloween is a fucking American celebration. Aussie kids nowadays might sometimes try it; but I never did; it was never really big like it is here in America. I had five channels to watch on TV growing up: Ten, Nine, Seven, ABC and SBS, not the hundreds you guys get. I don't even fucking know how many you have since I spend too much time saving your fucking lives when you get yourselves sick. I don't call it a tank top; I call it a fucking singlet top. A girl's underwear is called her undies, not her panties. It's mobile phone, not cell, and I don't call someone on it; I ring them up.

And do I care that I'm being rude and abrasive? No! It's the only way to get any fucking results from you people. Maybe House isn't that great of a doctor. Maybe he just has the right fucking attitude to get shit from you. Yeah, I know it's bullshit and House is pretty talented, but I got a fucking point.

Seriously, at least put some fucking effort in. Don't come crying to me because I'm fucking pissed and I can say whatever the fuck I wanna say. Actually fucking listen to me instead of believing the world is one place called the USA, and Uncle Sam is everybody's God. Sorry to say this to you, but some of us just couldn't give a rat's ass about Thanksgiving and shit. Doesn't make a smidgen of a difference to us. Like I said before, put some effort in or fuck off.

Sincerely, once more,

Dr Robert Chase.

PS: If you have bothered to listen and reform your tragic misconceptions, I and 22 million other Australians thank you. We need more Americans like you.