It was impossible. It couldn't be. And yet it was.
Raf had fallen to his knees, was shivering uncontrollably, facing away from the hillside. It was one thing for a Decepticon to try and kill him, quite another for a human- any human –to want him dead. Someone, some human person, had just tried to kill him. He couldn't imagine why, he couldn't even absorb the fact of it. That hadn't been a Decepticon, or any twisted person from MECH. It had been just some guy (Was it a man? Raf didn't dare look to find out), someone he didn't even know (Did he know them? He couldn't bring himself to look), had wanted to kill him. Wanted to kill him so badly that they were willing to risk their lives to accomplish it.
Raf felt like he was going to be sick again. His head spun, he was dizzy even though he hadn't moved for what had to be fifteen minutes. Vaguely, distantly, he became aware of a buzzing noise. It was irritating, and he realized it had been going on since before he threw up.
It was Bumblebee. As soon as he realized that, Raf's head snapped up and he looked over at the Autobot, who hadn't moved since pushing the Viper off the hilltop.
He was making an infernal buzzing noise, but it wasn't words, just gibberish as best Raf could tell. He seemed to have been rooted to the spot, staring down at what he'd done either in horror or disbelief (probably both). Raf hadn't known a car could shudder, but Bumblebee did. Violent tremors shook the yellow car from bumper to bumper, so powerful Raf could actually hear gears groaning in protest. It looked like Bee was on the verge of literally shaking himself to pieces.
It was a long drawn out moment before Raf put things together and realized why Bumblebee wasn't taking this in stride. Though gentle and good natured, Bumblebee was a soldier. He'd killed Decepticons, done it without apparent remorse or hesitation. He'd been intending to kill a Decepticon just minutes ago. But that wasn't a Decepticon down there.
Autobots were sworn to never harm humans, and actually to protect them. Autobots were willing to die if they had to in order to protect humanity. And that included the worst humanity had to offer. The Autobots were reluctantly willing to let humans fight each other, but they themselves would have nothing to do with injuring or even terrorizing any human.
If there was any unforgivable act an Autobot could commit, it was the killing of a human being. It was a sin above all others, and Raf could guess that 'it was an accident' was no excuse. Bumblebee was expected to have made completely certain that no humans would be harmed.
Autobots even risked capture by Decepticons, risked being killed by them, just to protect humanity. There was no defense against murder of humans. Raf knew it because Bumblebee had explained it to him. If there was even the slightest chance that car wasn't a Decepticon, it was Bumblebee's duty to assume that it wasn't, and seek to protect any humans which were inside, even if they meant him harm.
But it hadn't been him the driver was after. It had been Raf. Bumblebee hadn't had a choice. Had he? Raf knew that he had. Bumblebee could have picked up Raf and run. But he hadn't. He'd assumed it was a Decepticon after them, and that Decepticon could transform and fire on them, killing them both.
He'd done exactly what he had to in order to protect Raf, but only if that car had been a Decepticon. But Raf knew that 'I thought it was' wasn't going to fly with Optimus Prime. Thinking wasn't good enough when it came to things like this. You had to know.
Raf didn't feel well. He wasn't sure his voice wouldn't shake. But he had to get Bee's attention. The miserable, incoherent burring noise was like a ringing cell phone set to vibrate, only louder. Raf had never once heard Bumblebee- or indeed any Cybertronian –make that sound.
Shakily, Raf got to his feet. He walked, or rather staggered, over to Bumblebee. He reached out with a trembling hand and rested his palm upon the battered left front fender of the yellow muscle car.
"Bee? Bee, you okay?"
The noise stopped, but the Autobot continued to shake. Raf could feel the convulsive shudders beneath his hand, each one of them was like a knife in his heart. He was scared for Bee. He was afraid of what Bumblebee was thinking, and scared of what the other Autobots would do to Bee when they found out what he'd done. And that wasn't all.
Even though there was no reason, Raf felt scared of Bumblebee. He cursed his fear, knowing there was no reason for it, knowing Bee would never hurt him, had just minutes before been willing to die to protect him, but he couldn't make the knot in his stomach uncoil. It wasn't just the Autobot that was shaking. It was all Raf could do not to snatch his hand away, all he could do not to cry.
Fear, horror, revulsion, all mingled together in a jumble he couldn't sort out. He couldn't even figure out which feelings were aimed where for sure. And yet, somehow, he seemed in better shape than Bumblebee.
"Talk to me," Raf said, aware of the tremor in his voice, aware of the tears welling up, threatening to spill over, aware that he was about to sob aloud, "Please, Bumblebee."
{I... I... I killed..} his voice, more vibrato than usual, for a moment descended into the indecipherable, then Bee recovered enough to be understood and went on haltingly, {I didn't... mean to. I didn't know... I should have been more careful... should have known. I should have known...}
The words seemed to evaporate, but the vibrato continued like the tortured wailing of a cello forced to continue long after all other instruments had faded.
"Pull yourself together," Raf said, but tears were running down his cheeks and his voice shook weakly.
He hated himself for it, but he couldn't manage to sound strong. Bee was the strong one. Nothing shook him. He rolled with the punches of life, never breaking under pressure, surviving everything, his altered voice a testament to that unalterable fact. He was strong in mind and spark. But now he was broken.
All the strength in the universe would not help him. It wouldn't change what happened.
"We have to get out of here," Raf said, "Before someone comes."
Bumblebee was silent, but Raf could feel him staring. Raf didn't have to clarify; Bumblebee knew what he was suggesting. Run. Hide. Hide from the consequences of this fatal error in judgment. Flee from the wrath of Optimus Prime, which was certain to descend upon Bumblebee like a lightning bolt.
For Optimus was fair and wise, understanding and tolerant, but this was a crime he could not forgive or allow to go unpunished. Raf wasn't sure what would happen to Bumblebee, but it wasn't going to be good. He didn't know if Autobots would kill one of their own. But, if they did for any reason, this would undoubtedly be that reason. At the very least, Bee would be cast out.
He'd go on the run, as Starscream had run from Megatron. He would be forced to scrounge around on his own, surviving only by way of stealing energon from under the noses of the Autobots or the Decepticons. Starving. Hated. Feared. And maybe even hunted.
If he ran before that happened, things would be better. He could hide, and settle amidst humanity instead of on the outer fringes of society where the living was harsh even for a Cybertronian. It would be best if the Autobots found out what had happened long after they were gone.
They'd drive. Just keep on driving, maybe forever. Raf wasn't going to abandon Bee, even if everyone else did. He only wanted his friend to be safe. To be alive.
{No,} Bumblebee said in a voice which sounded of defeat, {I will not run. I can't. The others must know. They have a right to know what I've done. I deserve to be punished.}
Raf knew Bee did not say 'killed' for his sake. He didn't want Raf to know, but Raf heard it in his voice. That bleak tone was reserved for one who knew they were going to die, who had resigned themselves to that fact and become deadly calm because of it. If Optimus didn't do it, then one of the others would. And if they didn't, Bumblebee would fall on his own sword, so to speak.
"Bee, it wasn't your fault-" Raf began, but Bumblebee interrupted him, possibly for the first time ever.
{I should have known!} He reversed suddenly so that Raf almost fell down as the fender leaped away from his hand suddenly, {I should have known! I should have made sure, but I didn't! I was my fault for not knowing, for not making sure. It is my fault that man is dead! Understand this: I murdered someone, a human. I can never be forgiven. Not now, not ever. But I will not run.}
"Then what will you do?" Raf asked, resisting the urge to approach Bee a second time.
Bumblebee had backed out of reach and then stopped. The message, unspoken though it was, was perfectly clear: Don't touch me. Don't look at me. Don't even speak to me.
{I'm going to call Optimus. I'm going to tell him where I am. I'm going to wait for him to come here. But first, I'm going to have Bulkhead pick you up, take you home.}
"Why can't you do that? Why can't you go tell Optimus what happened?"
Bumblebee did not answer, instead using his radio to contact Bulkhead. He turned away from Raf, drove to the edge of the hill and then parked there, right at the very edge. Raf understood. Bumblebee wouldn't allow Raf to touch him again.
He had committed a cardinal sin. He was dirty, irredeemable. At least, that's what he believed. Bumblebee didn't even trust himself not to hurt Raf, even to take him home. Bumblebee was afraid of himself, scared to death that this would happen again. He did not intend to move, to even do anything until Optimus could arrive and deal with him in whatever way Prime saw fit.
Bumblebee did not want Raf here for that, but he did not want to abandon Raf. To let him go home alone was to put his life at risk. So Bumblebee was going to have another Autobot take Raf away. He didn't want his friend to witness his shame and possible execution.
Raf tried to swallow a lump in his throat. Only he couldn't. It was lodged there, so thick he could hardly breathe. Tears still ran down his hot cheeks, and he couldn't see through his glasses. He hugged himself and walked to the tree. He sat with his back to the trunk, drew up his knees and wept.
"You saved my life," Raf cried, angrily wiping at his eyes, "You saved me!"
{That} said Bumblebee quietly, {does not matter now.}
"But he was going to kill me!" Raf protested, anger burning in hot denial of fear, "That's got to count for something!"
{It does not,} Bumblebee said, and refused to speak again.
