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"I Just Came to Say Goodbye"

a Fireheart story

CHAPTER TWO

BPOV

For a long time, I couldn't listen to music anymore. Not because I didn't want to, but because it was all tainted. So many beautiful melodies turned tragic with the memory of him. I couldn't even look at a piano let alone listen to one apart from teaching at the studio. Every time I tried to sit at the piano, I could feel him. His arms around mine, guiding my fingers as he tried to teach me how to play. It started to weigh so heavy that I stopped listening to music altogether. Cut out every memory, or try to anyway.

My whole life, I've had a passion for music that ran soul deep. The piano, violins mostly, a love of orchestra and symphony to set my soul on fire. Even as a small child, I just wanted to dance. To move with a gracefulness I didn't yet possess. Years of lessons, recitals, costumes and audiences, it was the foundation of my childhood. I grew to appreciate the arts even more as an adult and went on to performing on prestigious stages all over Broadway. We all have a way to feel at peace in some way, to find something buried deep inside ourselves. My outlet was always ballet. For years, I danced to the most beautiful melodies the world has heard. From simple steps to divine tragedies, I became part of something more. More than music, more than art, something more than myself.

I knew who I was and I knew who I wanted to be. I had plans, although those tend to never work out and my case wasn't any different. My life was organized, well thought out and strategic. My ducks were in a row and I was ready to take stages bigger than any dreams I could've had for myself. Offers came in without even trying. Invitations to be included on the most talented productions the arts could ask for. Traveling the world with the elite, dancers I looked up to and aspired to become. A dream come true, it would have been. That was until I fell in love with Edward Masen.

"Shit!" Under my breath, I hissed to myself as I noted the time, everything I needed was inconveniently scattered all over my apartment. I moved quickly between the bedroom, the bathroom and the closet, getting dressed along the way. I stepped into my sheer black leggings as I padded my bare feet across the wooden floors, pulling my pants up to the waist with a wiggled jump while I glanced around for my sneakers. One was by the front door, the other probably somewhere under the couch. Gathering them up as fast as possible, I looked through the folded laundry still in the basket above the dryer, for a pair of black socks and slid them on. Before running back towards the bedroom, I stepped into my shoes, my toothbrush still in my mouth. Being on time for anything these days was somewhat of a challenge, but at least I was showing up. Improvement.

I didn't even glance in the mirror as I pulled my waist length, brown hair into a ponytail and clasped my bra into place, reaching through the closet for a long sleeve cotton shirt. I moved quick to grab all my stuff and throw it into my soft pink gym bag and be out the door by the time the alarm on my watch went off. I was already in the elevator heading for the lobby by the time it pinged.

My day flew by as it always did, too fast to really pay attention to anything other than schedules. I stopped for my morning coffee, opened the studio, held three classes and had enough time to clean the floors by the time I realized I was hungry. With a kids class in the morning and two adult classes in the afternoon, I was usually ready to head home by six o'clock everyday but today was just a little bit slower and it was almost seven by the time I finished the floors and some of the paperwork at my desk. I was just about to leave the studio when I just happened to glance sidelong at the balance bar on the far side of the main studio. Lights shimmered in from outside, rippling off the designed glass to make it shine and for some reason, my mind took me back to a night so far away that it could've been another lifetime ago.

A breathy laugh and intertwined fingers, he held my hand with one of his while the other rested low on my waist, his breath heavy against the back of my neck. "I'm not doing this." His voice was amused but laced with something else as I tilted my head back over my shoulder to try and glare at him, but in that moment all I could do was smile.

"Just lift me up and I'll do the rest, it's really not that difficult." My own voice was light and playful even as he rolled his eyes and dipped his head to bite down on my shoulder, his words barely more than a whisper. "Fine, but don't expect me to twirl around after."

Mingled laughter lasted only a moment until his hands gripped me at the hips and he lifted, giving me the height I needed to throw my head back, letting my upper body fall slowly over his shoulder, my legs locked into position while my arms moved slowly into place until my body was the perfect arc above and around him.

After holding the position for a solid minute, he lowered me to a standing position in front of him. The music was soft in the background but his voice felt even softer. "You're beautiful." Our eyes met and with no hesitation, his lips were on mine, slow at first, almost in awe but soon became filled with that familiar desire. That sweet kiss morphed into a burning fire that erupted between us, and we became a tangle of clashing teeth, tongues and moaned breaths. His hands were everywhere, mine forever trying to get closer. His hair was a mess, mostly from my fingers pulling on it as his perfect lips explored my neck and throat. It was then that I felt the balance bar behind me, my hands moving to brace myself against it as his kisses grew even hungrier. My breath came heavy, his name barely a whisper on my lips, "Mase." I felt his smirk against my skin before those deep emerald eyes held my gaze, his voice dripping with the promise of more, "My Bellarina."

His voice faded with the memory of his touch. I found myself staring at the very spot, my fingers ghosting across my lips, a single tear threatening to fall. It was a long time ago, I reminded myself as I found myself dropping my gym bag to the floor and moved towards the center of the studio. It was a rare occasion that I found myself wanting to dance but when I felt him.. that's when it came so easy. I kicked my shoes off and pulled out my phone, connected to the surround sound and set it down on the floor as the music started. One of his favorites, I realized without intending to do it but fell into position all the same.

My body moved gracefully, skilled and strong. I closed my eyes and let the height of the violins take me away from myself before the ivory keys and acoustic strings filled the room completely. Steps that were long forgotten, unpracticed yet smooth and perfect. Something inside myself snapped and the tears fell freely, the memory of him fresh in my mind as if it were only yesterday. But those happy moments, as always, became something else. Something dark. I wasn't remembering the feel of his lips anymore but instead, the icy cold rain that soaked me to my very core, my throat tightening as his agonized face came into perfect clarity.

"Mase, please.. just stay." My own voice almost unrecognizable as I shattered before the man I loved. I felt it, the moment my heart finally broke. Until that moment, it was a fracture. A threat. But when I looked into his eyes and knew there was nothing I could say or do that would've been able to keep him there. With me.

"You know that I can't." His own words seemed to shake him, or maybe it was the cold, but he fell to his knees in that moment. His arms thrown around my waist as he kneeled in a puddle of freezing rain just to hold me, to beg me. I couldn't even hold him back. My fingers reached for his hair, something so natural, to twist gently in his mess of bronze locks and just be close to him but I couldn't do it. So I just stood there, scared and breaking.

His words barely registered as I stared at nothing, rain dripping down my face along with silent tears. "Come with me, Bella. Just.. leave it all here and come with me. I'll take care of you. We can get married, we could.." I cut him off as I pulled myself out of his arms and screamed at him to stop, the pain on my face must've been enough to silence him because there were no more words, just tears. His and mine.

"I can't.." My voice was nothing more than a rasped breath from the cold, my hands were balled into fists at my side and he stood, acceptance in his eyes. Two different paths, it was our crossroads staring us in the face and ripping the world out from underneath us.

My steps faltered and I just stopped dancing, ignoring the music, the entire world stopping as I stared at my reflection in the mirrors. Trying everything I could to steady myself, I closed my eyes and focused on the breaths coming unevenly. I had to climb back out of the memory, a place that I lost myself in way too often. A moment of regret so strong that I wished every day that I could go back and change it. I wished so badly that I could take it back. I should've went with him, it was what I wanted. Him.

Wiping at the tears now falling shamefully, I didn't bother to finish my dance, his dance. I just turned off the music and picked up my bag, turning the lights out as I left the studio for the night and started to walk home, ignoring the emptiness inside; as always. These moments when I was completely alone, they were the only times I let myself feel him. To the rest of the world, I was moving on but in my heart, I knew I never really would. Friends knew not to bring up his name around me and family knew better than to ask anymore. But these private, solitary dances were still only for him. These were the only dances. There was no more ballet. Only teaching moments. No more dreams of becoming something more. I lost all of it. Couldn't bear it without him in my life. Everything had stopped and turned cold. A life of promise was nothing more than a distant memory of what could've been. The truth is, when Mase left, something inside me died and music died with it.

I never got over him, over any of it. But I taught myself to live with it; the guilt. Even the anger. Even after all this time, I might have felt guilty for my own selfish choices but I didn't think I could ever stop being mad at him for his. Six years is a long time to miss someone and some days I just wished for it to stop. I've had my weak moments before, especially in the beginning. Late nights of uncontrolled sobbing, writing letters that I would never send and long drives across state lines just to lose my nerve and turn around and go home. I don't know how to make it stop hurting, maybe it never will. But at least I was better at hiding it.

I usually enjoyed my walks home at the end of the day, time to unwind and leave things behind me, not that it always worked. Sometimes I would pick up some Chinese food along the way and on the rare occasion, I would go the long way. Four extra blocks and a left to go two more. Just for a glimpse of the past. I never actually walked down that street but I would just stand on the corner sometimes, looking across the street to the corner building. Our old place. I could almost feel him standing there with me sometimes and tonight would be no different.

I turned the corner and stopped where I usually did, leaning against the brick wall across the street from our building. I looked up to the spot I knew so well and stiffened instantly. My eyes were fixed on the corner wall of glass, the living room. Holding my breath, I started at the bottom and counted the floors, making sure I was looking at the right apartment, even though I could never mistake it. The lights were dim but turned on. For the first time, all these years, the lights were on. I swallowed nervously as a wave of nausea rolled through me, and I closed my eyes so tight I gave myself a headache. My fingers were braced too hard on the bricks holding me upright and I forced myself to look again. Slowly, I opened my eyes, not sure what I wanted to see and stared at our apartment. It was dark.

Equal parts dread and relief washed over me, still afraid of my own feelings as I stared at the darkness that once again tricked my mind into hoping just for a moment. I didn't know what I would say or do or even think if Mase came back but I would never stop wondering if he would ever come back to this place.

Gritting my teeth I pushed all thoughts of Edward Masen from my mind and slipped back into the lie. The image I created to hide what was inside. The daily effort of a lonely girl who suffered in silence. I turned the corner and walked home, trying everything I could to ignore the nagging feeling deep inside me. Maybe I was crazy now but what if I didn't imagine it? But the lights couldn't have been on.. I shook the thoughts from my mind and pulled my phone from my pocket, temporarily ignoring the usual unread text messages until later. Another part of moving on, that I convinced myself was the right thing to do. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't shake the feeling that my mind wasn't merely playing tricks as it had so many other times. That goddamn light was on.

authors note :

Thank you so much for all the follows, favorites and reviews. Please keep those reviews coming, we love all the feedback. Our next chapter goes back to Mase! See you soon!

~ Fireheart