Here it is! Chapter two! I had a really hard time figuring this one out since I didn't know where to go from the last chapter. But I persevered. Thanks to everyone who reviewed, I always appreciate feedback from ya'll and I'm not one of those authors who requires a quota for their reviews or they won't update. I call them rev-whores with all my respect XP. Please enjoy!
Warning: explicit sexual descriptions, language, bad puns. Not beta read.
I don't own Kyou Kara Maou or any of its affiliates. I only own a laptop for which to write my stories.
"speech"
'thoughts'
Letter Sex
Chapter Two: the reply
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"Alphonse von Leiber!"
"yes, sir!"
"Edward von Albrecht!"
"yes, sir!"
"Heidrich von Fischer!"
"yes, sir!"
"Niklas von Weber!"
"Yes, sir!"
"Kevin Jenkins!.........Kevin!"
Wolfram von Bielefeld scanned the line of blue clad soldiers with annoyance and then the surrounding environment with increasing annoyance. It was the last day before they were supposedly to go home after two weeks of patrolling. And it had been the most difficult patrol Wolfram had ever been on in his young military career. Their first day on the border they had to investigate a robbery and track down the thieves, which went a lot harder than it had too thanks to the horrendous weather and accompanying mud slides.
And don't get him started about the locals.
His men had been summoned to do everything from find a little girl's lost pet to fixing the drainage system in one of the inns. They had been called on the settle domestic disturbances which involved saving a woman from being strangled by her ex-husband and arresting a stalker who was bothering a man's teenage daughter. Anything and everything under the god-blessed sun had befallen poor Wolfram and his exhausted fire wielders. And to top everything off there was a possibility he and his soldiers would have to stay an extra week if Conrad and his unit weren't able to reach Shin Makoku by tomorrow from a political visit due to yet another hurricane in Caloria. Why did they have to travel by boat?
All Wolfram wanted was to go home, eat food that wasn't salted or dried, play with his daughter, take a bath and go to bed… preferably with his fiancé.
But alas he could not, and now one of his soldiers was missing.
In all honesty, considering who was missing, he shouldn't be surprised.
Wolfram didn't bother to hide the growl scraping against his throat.
"KEVIN!!!!" he waited, no answer came.
"I know you can hear me! Get the hell out here!" He turned toward his punctual soldiers. "Where the hell is Kevin?"
The soldiers glanced at each other nervously. To say their captain had not been in a good mood since day one would be like describing the cleavage of Cecilie von Spitzberg as 'tastefully plump'. Granted, their captain rarely showed any other emotions other than grim barely concealed annoyance or apathy. To incite the full rage of their captain was certain suicide, yet one soldier seemed to invite death by the captain's hands on a regular basis.
Kevin.
One soldier, Alphonse, second-in-command, spoke up timidly. "I-I think he went out last night and hasn't returned yet, Sir…"
"And why hasn't he returned?" Wolfram barked, completely exhausted of patience. He suddenly spun around and screamed out towards the heavens with his signature decibel of 200dB. The soldiers promptly covered their ears to prevent added damage to their hearing already diminished from their rookie days.
"KEVIIIIIIIIIIIINNN!!!!"
"I'm right here! Damn it!"
Wolfram glared at the skinny figure trumping over the hill from the village they were stationed near by.
"Where have you been and where is your uniform?"
Kevin walked until he stood four feet in front of his captain. His blue uniform, once pristine and regal was now perverted into some shredded design that was reminiscent of the catamites that walked the streets of Shin Makoku's red light district. His blue jacket had been torn into a kind of vest with only one or two buttons that left his flat belly exposed, his pants hung dangerously low around supple hips. His ears and nose sported silver piercings and his left eyebrow was chained to his left ear lobe via a thin delicate sterling chain. His upper arm was tattooed with the words 'One o' da Bitchboys' inserted into a heart accented with a skull and crossbones. His hair once as blond as his captain's was streaked with loud shades of pink and blue and completed his punk look.
Overall……even words escaped the author.
Wolfram's right eye twitched uncontrollably, something it did quite often when Kevin was involved.
"What the hell are you wearing, Kevin!?"
Kevin merely looked at his superior with utter condescension. "How many times do I have to tell you, Wolfram? My name isn't Kevin, it's Ice Pick. It says so on my tongue piercing."
A vein popped on Wolfram's forehead. Every day, he was looking more and more like a blond version of his oldest brother. He kept his voice eerily calm.
"And besides mutilating your body and dressing like a whore, which can't possibly have taken an entire night, what were you doing since last evening, I-Stink?"
If Kevin heard the insulting homonym of his 'name', he didn't show it. He tucked a lock of neon pink hair behind a metal laden ear nonchalantly.
"I was out committing serial murder and raping sheep to satisfy my bestial desires for flesh..." He stated with utmost seriousness.
Wolfram wasn't buying. "Uh-huh. Why don't we have a little talk privately, I-Pink?"
"It's Ice Pick!"
"Sure."
Wolfram led Kevin away from the other soldiers who had now dispersed to their respective posts along their section of border. He came to a stop next to his horse and Kevin's under a tree where the mounts not in use were kept and cared for. Kevin sauntered behind the simmering prince, completely careless and completely self-assured he would get what he wanted.
Wolfram sized up the young demon.
"Let's make one thing clear, Kevin." The blonde spoke slowly and deliberately. "You can rape and pillage all you want. It doesn't matter how many holes or stains you have in your body. It doesn't matter what vulgar acts you commit in your off-duty time, it doesn't even matter how late you are or how often you show up for training or whatever. You can even be as rude as your little heart desires. I'm. Not. Going. To. Fire. You. Ever."
Kevin was honestly shocked. He was sure he would get kicked out of the Fire Division a hot second this time for sure. He had spent his last paycheck getting the tattoos and piercing and scissors to mess up his uniform and he still wasn't getting fired? He thought that after painting graffiti spewing racial slurs against the Maou and spreading rumors about Wolfram's sexual prowess, drastically changing his appearance to cause embarrassment for the Fire Division would surely be the last straw for his stubborn ass cousin!
Wolfram was delighted by the utter disbelief in Kevin's eyes as he absorbed his comments. "Do you know why, Kevin?"
"Cause, you enjoy watching me cringe in utter disgust as the hate seeps through my pores like a dark miasma of perspiration?" Kevin said, flatly.
"Well, there is that." The demon prince smirked. "But that's only a tiny little perk in the grand scheme of things. In reality, dearest cousin, I-Pod, you father and I made a deal; if I gave you a respectable job befitting someone of your birth and made sure you kept the aforementioned job, he would pay for my wedding ceremony upfront in full in addition to a dowry that would rival my mother's first marriage. I'm not going to let you ruin this opportunity for me and nothing - and I mean nothing will ruin my chances of having my dream wedding. Understand?"
"Would you fire me if I had Winigo?"
"What's Winigo?"
"A paralyzing fear of being turned into a cannibal by unseen dark forces."
"No."
"But what if-"
"I said no, Kevin!" with a huff Wolfram turned toward his steed and reached into the saddle bag. "I reiterate, nothing, will make me fire you. Now, be a good boy and take the morning border watch for me, hm?" He shoved a heavy telescope into Kevin's hands and proceeded to walk back towards the camp. His gait was one of complete self-confidence and authority and accentuated his ample hips.
Or as Kevin called it; his lady butt.
As Wolfram's figure began to disappear over the hill, Kevin made one last ditch effort.
"I slept with Yuuri-heika on the eve of his sixteenth birthday after he gave me head in the second floor broom closet!"
He saw the violent shudder tear through Wolfram's retreating back as the young captain strained to contain himself. Everyone knew that despite their now strong emotional bond, Wolfram was still very insecure about his relationship with Yuuri's solidity, especially now that his betrothed was named Shin Makoku's Sexiest Ruler Ever.
"Kevin Jenkins…" Wolfram hissed as he slowly turned around to face his annoying cousin. "You're……"
Kevin's pierced ears perked up in anticipation. 'Fired. You're fired, you're fired! Come on, say it!'
"Going on next month's patrol." Wolfram continued walking back towards his men. "Alphonse! Looks like you're getting that vacation after all!"
Kevin cursed as a distant cry of 'Yay!' rose above the trees.
"I hate that twink so much…."
So there Kevin sat on a hill overlooking the border. He lazily twirled the telescope in his hands while he stewed over his predicament. How? How could he not fire him? Half the things Kevin had done would have gotten any other soldier court marshaled in a second, but not Kevin. The unfairness was infuriating, just last month a soldier in the Fire Division had gotten fired because he was late one too many times! Kevin had skipped training and patrol duties without permission more times than he could count and he still wasn't thrown out on his rear like he should have been.
For the eight millionth time, Kevin sighed in defeat. He was really beginning to miss his friends at the Artist's Association. His father and Wolfram's Uncle Waltorana had never approved of Kevin's friends or his lifestyle. He never appreciated Kevin's paintings or sculptures no matter how hard Kevin had tried to make them fit his father's impossibly high standards. Waltorana had wanted his son to be a perfect heir for the Bielefeld family, so he forbid Kevin from hanging out with his artist friends calling them 'ratty, unsophisticated, uneducated, promiscuous, bohemian street urchins.' And forced Kevin to study things like military strategy and theory.
So Kevin rebelled. He skipped his studies, painted graffiti on the walls of the Bielefeld castle, snuck a one night stand into the castle, and got drunk at a state dinner.
So, Waltorana retaliated by naming Wolfram his heir and getting Kevin a job as a soldier in Wolfram's division.
Wolfram was everything that Kevin hated about aristocrats. Wolfram was the standard of the young noble. Good-looking, snobby, entitled, uptight, self-centered; everything Kevin hated about the court nobles.
To make matters worse, nobody, especially Waltorana would shut the hell up about Wolfram von friggin Bielefeld. Every goddamn day it was:
'Wolfram did this!'
'Wolfram said that!'
'Wolfram's soooooooo pretty and handsome!'
'Kevin, why can't you be more like your cousin, Wolfram?'
It made him sick to the point where sick wouldn't accurately describe the amount of sickness he felt when ever he was compared or judged based on Wolfram and whatever little shoddy thing he did. Why couldn't anyone see what he saw? Wolfram was like any other nobleman; privileged, whiny, stuck-up, out of touch with the real world. His beauty and prowess were severely overrated. Kevin was never impressed by his cousin's looks or his skill at magic. He could think of a couple historical figures and present day people who were better and better looking than Wolfram. They only lacked a high birth.
Kevin hated his job, hated being outdoors, fighting, getting all sweaty and sticky and saving people's rears from stupid stuff like, bandits. The bandits around the border had a special brand of stupidity, anyone could take them on! So why did he have to and at the same time put up with these drooling fanboys who called themselves soldiers? He was surprised they got any work done between cooing over how awesome Lord Wolfram was and kissing the prince's rear all day.
Kevin really wanted to get fired, so he could run away and join a traveling band of bohemians and become an artist like his mother. But as long as he had this unwanted tenure in the military, his dream would sadly be all but destroyed.
His moment of self-pity was interrupted by the cooing of a carrier pigeon. The tiny bird landed in front of Kevin, since he was the unofficial message receiver. The creature stared up at Kevin expectantly, dark beady eyes fixed into Kevin's green ones.
"Whatcha got there, Pidge?" Kevin reached for the bird's leg that ad the small metal tube attached to it.
Thinking that it was just another official correspondence, Kevin simply took the note out of the tube without alerting his captain. Surprised at the quality of the paper used for a simple message, Kevin's curiosity was piqued. Unable to help himself and bored out of his mind from sitting and seething, Kevin looked around to make sure no one was nearby, when he was sure the coast was clear he carefully unrolled the paper and skimmed over the words. He stopped.
And read it again.
Seriously?
Kevin nearly made himself nauseous with the effort it took not to laugh at his monarch's corny attempt at seduction.
'He ended his love letter with a request for rash cream? That's awesome!'
Kevin continued to vainly stifle his laughter as he read the letter another four times.
'If the captain saw this, he would flip!' Kevin paused. A candle flame (they don't have electricity) went up above his dyed head.
He got an idea
An awesome idea
An awesome, fabulous idea.
An awesome, fabulous idea that would ensure his chance of dishonorable discharge from the military for sure! An awesome fabulous idea that would free him from the confines of soldier life so that he could finally pursue his art!
Kevin did an almost fangirl squee.
Immediately running to his soldier's pack, he reached his horse's saddlebag and rummaged around for a piece of paper and a pencil. He pulled out a cheap piece of parchment made from plant fibers that was wrinkled on one edge, but hey, it would do. He got the broken half of a charcoal pencil and used his horse's flank as a writing board and scribbled the dirtiest filth he could think of, taking extra precaution to mimic his cousin's writing style as much as possible, thanking Shinou for his artistic skills at forgery.
It was the perfect prank to pull on the uppity Prince of Bielefeld.
Ten minutes later the little bird, who had been waiting patiently perched atop Kevin's shoulder, flew into the late morning sky with all the drama of the previous lift off.
'Fly, young creature! Bring me my salvation from this utter torment of patriotic duty!'
Kevin grinned as he watched the pigeon disappear over the horizon. The letter would probably make it to the capital by late evening tomorrow if the weather stayed fair. Kevin watched as the bird carried his last hope for freedom across the sky.
Once the pigeon was no longer visible, the young anti-soldier turned and resumed his duty with uncharacteristic devotion as his inner mind celebrated his good fortune.
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FYI, Winigo does exist. I learned about it in my psychology class.
Well, that was….interesting. In all honesty, I think chapter one is my fave. This one didn't feel as…spontaneous to me. The character of Kevin was made up at the last minute, since my previous version of this chapter wasn't as funny as I wanted it to be and I also wanted to stall a little on wolfram's reaction a little for added suspense. That and I can't decide on a reaction for Wolfram, and because I didn't want to keep people waiting (cuz that's annoying) I created Kevin, who is a lot like me in personality once I think about it. But he is NOT a mary-sue (I'm allergic to those things, give me hives).
Please tell me what you think. Your opinions do matter. I do not want to write a fic my readers don't like!
Also, any ideas for the next chapter would really be appreciated, I'm running out.
A heads up for you guys. I'm on my last month of the spring semester at college so I'll be bogged down with projects and exams, therefore updating will be slow, but I will continue working on this fic, if people like it enough.
Love y'all! ElisiansBane
