She questioned whether any of their relationship had actually been real. Had she imagined the intensity? Had they just been casual and she read too much into the situation? Was she being too needy, requiring too much of Janet's attention? All questions which she was presently unable to clearly answer. There was no third party to provide an objective perspective of the situation. They had been so insular, other than Tony, there was no one else who knew about them. Was it like a tree falling into the woods, if no one knew of them, did it really happen?
She had invested all of herself so quickly, so easily in 'them', was that her mistake? She had thought it was reciprocal. They weren't teenagers anymore, and the flippancy and nonchalant attitude that came with that was long gone, she had been of the view that she didn't bother with flings or dalliances that she didn't think were a long-term prospect. Maybe Janet was different. She didn't think she was though.
It all just seemed to contradictory, if Janet had felt the same way why was it that she had been so apathetic following their last one-on-one interaction, that she took great lengths to now ensure they were not alone in a room together. Janet hadn't tried to save 'them', hadn't given any great Janet King closing argument to convince her they could work, hadn't uttered a single word. Was that her way of getting an 'easy out', of showing that Janet was almost pleased that she had ended it… ended it…..
It was at times like these, on her couch, alone with a glass of red wine that the fact that they had ended, were over, never more, played more insistently through her mind. It had been 2 weeks now since she had walked into Janet's office and handed back her keys. Two weeks of awkwardly trying to act 'normal' around their colleagues, of ensuring they didn't brush against each other entering or exiting offices, of locking eyes and tearing them away.
She still wasn't sure how she felt. It had all happened so fast, yet it had felt like a lifetime in the lead up. A gentle push of metal into soft, warm hands had said so much more than they had been able to say to each other.
Janet's words still rang in her ears, that Janet was ready now, when everything had already splintered, shattered, fallen down around them, now on her terms, Janet was ready to talk. That had almost incensed her the most, that she had been gently trying, nudging, suggesting for weeks, months for them to talk, for them to really talk about where they were going, how they were going to deal with issues, and then, only when she had come to her tipping point did Janet decide now was the time to half-heartedly open the door to discussions. Janet hadn't followed through, she hadn't tried to actually discuss anything, hadn't offered a word about them being worth fight for, or that they deserved happiness together, nothing. Janet had just pushed it back on her to do the work, yet again.
She knew she was riling herself up, getting angry about a situation that for all intents and purposes was moot now. She didn't mind the anger though, she could deal with that, it was when the sadness kicked in that she found it all the more difficult. Anger was an easy emotion to deal with, you can harness it, use it, pushing yourself into work, the gym, and expel the anger in a way that result, in most instances, with at least a quasi productive result. Sadness, that was a wasted emotion that sucked the energy, life and purpose from you.
Sadness came however, when she found herself looking into Janet's office, managing to catch her eye and hold it for a second too long. She couldn't help but feel that low flutter in her stomach, and a smile would unconsciously cross her face. Holding Janet's gaze wasn't the same as it had been before though, Janet's eyes no longer held the spark they previously had, the look that meant she was onto something, that she was on the top of her game. They were duller, more life-less now. She hated looking into those eyes and seeing that the spark was lost. There would be a new project for Janet to champion, and that spark would be back, she would be back fighting the good fight for whoever needed, there was no doubt. She just hoped the current look was not exclusively reserved for her no matter Janet's mood. Ironic wasn't it that what made her love Janet so much was also what pulled them apart. But, in that moment, eyes looked, all she could feel was sadness and love. For that split-second holding Janet's gaze, she indulged in the excruciating pleasure and pain that was Janet.
She loved her, that hadn't changed, and wasn't likely too in the near future. She didn't try to kid herself otherwise, it was no use. Best to give into the feeling and hope that as time went on it would hurt less and less, the anger would dissipate and she would no longer feel the crushing sadness when looking into Janet's eyes.
That was going to be made much easier given the news she received today; she was being relocated from the NCC. She would no longer have Janet in front of her all day every day. It would be real now. They would be out of each other's lives, in every sense. It was small conciliation that she was rewarded with being in Janet's presence on a daily basis at present, a means of weening herself off their relationship, but they would soon be cold turkey. No more Janet. It was all going to be very real very soon.
There was a knock at the door, odd at this time of nice, 9:30pm on a Thursday.
It was Tony.
"Tony, what are you doing here?" This was the first time he had ever come over to the house, she was surprised he knew her address at all.
"Mind if I come in"
"Yes, yes, of course" and a path was cleared for his entrance to the living soon.
In usual Tony fashion he didn't beat around the bush, "I heard about the move" there was a long pause.
"I didn't request it if that is what you are asking"
He gave a small smile and leant his head to the side, "Good to know. Look I don't know what's happened with you and Janet, but you had better not be planning to sneak away. She has had enough people leave her without a goodbye."
A sigh, "I wouldn't leave without a goodbye. I will let everyone in the office know tomorrow before heading off."
"That's not what I meant"
"I'm not sure what you do mean then Tony"
"Go over there, tell her…she needs it, needs to kick in the pants"
The anger was still present, still just below the surface, it had been simmering all night and when she finally had a chance, a moment to actually be able to say how she was feeling out loud, acknowledge that she was hurting, that her and Janet had even been a couple, she couldn't help but explode,
"She needs it? She needs to feel ok about me leaving? She hasn't bothered to try to talk to me. To tell me she wants this to work. Tell me that this is worth fighting for. You want me to go over there at the detriment of my own self worth, my own pride, and basically beg her to throw me a bone? Push her to give me some hope that will be dashed again in a couple of months? I am hurting and I love her, but I can not give anymore of myself than I already have when I have got nothing in return. Nothing! She didn't even say a word, not a word to try for us. I can't be the one to keep trying for the both of us, it hurts too much."
Tony bowed his head, "It's just her way"
A breathy laugh, "Yeah, and I love her for it but when you love someone you want them to show as much, if not more interest in you than there current project. Maybe that's just me, and I am selfish and needy."
"You're not" Tony sigh deflated, "You were the best thing to happen to her. I haven't seen her as happy as when she was around you for years. She is not good at knowing when not to take things for granted."
Bianca sighed, "Tony, do you think we would be in this position if I hadn't gone through every possibility, tried all I could? I love her, but I can only do so much. It's a two way street, and at the moment all traffic is one way." There was a pause, "I appreciate you coming over and trying, I do, I just wish it had been her trying and not you on her behalf"
The moment was awkward, there was nothing more to be said, or that could be said to make this right. Tony just nodded his head, "You look after yourself. You were a great investigator and a good person Bianca. I'm sorry the NCC won't continue to appreciate that"
"Thank You"
Another exhaustive evening and for what end?
